((CD)) I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate to deal with...some of it, you've dragged all the way through childhood and some of it is maybe newer feelings. I wish I could offer more than a few words, but I just wanted you to know that I read your update and am thinking of you! I think you are right to start with the drinking before getting into the deeper stuff (I know it's hard to not think about the deeper stuff, but having a clear head to deal with everything will be very helpful I'm guessing).

((CD))Its hard to go through the despair that you are experiencing, and I'm sorry. You have a lot on your plate right now, so it has to feel overwhelming. I think you are more organized then you think, because you made a very wise choice to start with actively working on dealing with your booze intake. Please don't be hard on yourself, just take one day at a time, and feel what you need to feel, so you can make those positive changes.

(((CD)))

I want to let you know that I am on a similar journey. Nearly 3 years ago, I needed to get out of my 16-year marriage, but the end result is that I am all alone, too. I have joint custody of my daughter, and that is often the only thread I have to the world, but handing her over to my ex every other week is kind of like dying repeatedly. Try as I might to relatively stable, I always plummet without her.

I often wonder if I should have stayed with my ex, because the process of leaving that relationship exposed all the other trauma, abandonment and abuse in my life. But my T reminds me to look at those years with him as clearly as I can--the abuse in its own right--but then, that elicits all sorts of waves of grief.

The ever-present financial hardships also weigh on me, too. I am one small misstep from major financial doom. And retirement -- not an option in my life either.

So, I know how hard your road is. And I am sad for you.

The other day I was ripping into myself for "wallowing," and my T looked at me and said that there are times when you just have to let yourself acknowledge how hard the journey is. Basically, he was giving me permission to wallow.

You are strong, CD. There is no way you would be where you were if you did not have incredible strength. That is not to say that you shouldn't agonize. How can you not? But you are taking steps to heal. It's not instantaneous -- all of us here know that well -- but you are taking steps and that is HUGE!

I'm not sure if this applies to you, but I know for me, I need to hang on to the help that I have. Right now, that consists of my T only, but he is steadfast and deep down, I know that even when I can't hang on, he will hang on to me if I let him.

So, I guess that I hope that you can hang on to your T and Doc and if or when you can't hang on, that you allow them to hang on to you. And keep reaching out to us. We're listening and we're here -- as much as we can be in this virtual world.

CD, I can relate to what you are feeling. I have had my job cut to part-time going on four years now. I have lost so much money that I will never ever recover at this point in my life. I always thought life was supposed to get a little easier as you got older but for me it has been quite the opposite. I am around your age and I think when you get to this point in your working life you know the inevitable.

You are not coming across as self-pitying, you are explaining where you are in your life right now. I have told my T that I don't even know who I am anymore. I completely understand your feeling of doom if you don't start to move forward. That feeling is a constant in my life every freaking minute.

I think you are doing a very good thing by tackling your drinking. It's a great step. I am so sorry for your loneliness. That can be so hard. Take care.

(((CD)))I don't have much to add to what has already been said, but wanted you to know that I read what you wrote. You do not sound like you are wallowing at all, just trying to take a clear look at the realities. You are in a difficult situation in so many ways and I am sorry for all that weighs you down. Especially the loneliness. That can make it harder to handle everything else. FWIW, I see your work in therapy and dealing with the drinking as things that will allow you to open up in ways that can lead to authentic, caring relationships, of truly allowing you to move closer to other people. I'm also 52 but remember you're not done and it ain't over 'til it's over. Life can take us places we never imagined. Be proud of yourself for the very courageous steps you've taken to live a more full life. I think they will pay off.



AG

(((cd)))
wanted you to know I'm listening and thinking of you. I'm sorry to hear of all the pain you are going through. One thing that stood out to me is the idea of idealizing T's family life, and the comparison leaving a feeling of inadequacy and grief. It really stings to the core as you said One thing I have to constantly remind myself of, especially with T, is 'I can't compare my behind the scenes with someone else's highlight reel.' Easier said than done, for sure, but it's so easy to idealize them and others in the first place.

I read a lot from Pete Walker, he's written much about childhood trauma. Your post reminded me of one of his articles, when I read your fear of sounding self-pitying. He wrote a wonderful article about how our society has completely shamed people out of normal, healthy, self sorrow. We are never shamed for feeling compassion for others, but if we express sorrow for ourselves we've been taught to view that as self indulgent. He said that it really is one of the most healing experiences, to genuinely get in touch with inner nurturing, and it's essential for recovering from the grief of childhood and adult pain.

Thinking of you, know that you're doing an awesome job and keep hanging in there.

((((AH))))

quote:

He wrote a wonderful article about how our society has completely shamed people out of normal, healthy, self sorrow. We are never shamed for feeling compassion for others, but if we express sorrow for ourselves we've been taught to view that as self indulgent. He said that it really is one of the most healing experiences, to genuinely get in touch with inner nurturing, and it's essential for recovering from the grief of childhood and adult pain.

Wow, that was really timely for me as I have been struggling with that exact thing. Feeling on the one hand that if I don't feel sorry for myself, I won't actually be feeling my life. Of course, on the other hand, worrying that I'm wallowing in self-pity. For most of us here, however, we're been taught to be ashamed of our needs and our hurts and it seems like we do have to embrace them, as CD is doing, in order to be able to fix them. That doesn't sound like wallowing in self-pity. It sounds healthy.

((((CD)))))

I know it hurts but it sounds like progress. When we face how we feel about our lives and what we are escaping from, we can then do something about it or at least think about doing something about it. You never know. You might find someone to share your life with. Why not?

thanks all for your support and feedback. i was just on the verge of taking it down, not sure if it was too much information. but it really is where i am, and i'm trying to work through it all. i'm hoping i can work through it because it's about the furthest thing from fun that i can think of.

(((erica))) don't belittle your "few words" because just the thought that you read this and are reaching out to means so much more to me than you can imagine. i truly need all the support i can get right now.

(((eme))), same goes to you ... i appreciate that you are here, sharing and supporting. and don't think your support on my other thread has gone unnoticed, cuz it hasn't. i appreciate it sooo much.

(((outsider))) i am so sorry you can understand so much of what i'm going through. i also sometimes wonder if staying with him would have been the right thing, but i don't stay there long only because i know that it just wasn't working and never would, there was just too much that was wrong and not enough that was right. but i know what you mean, how the absence of this person opens up waves of "other" stuff and it really, really hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.
thanks for sharing the words from your T. i only see mine when i can't stand it anymore due to financial reasons. i imagine the next session will be a doosey.
and thanks for reminding me that this stuff won't change in a day. my doc recently told me that, and i appreciated hearing it then, too. i think i need to keep hearing that.
and thanks for the hanging on/letting others hang on to me. i'm really not very good at either one, so it's important for me to hear that. thanks for the reminder and the encouragement.
i hope things get better for you, too

awwww, (((Becca))), i'm with you! life IS supposed to be easier by now, right?!?!? apparently not for all of us thanks a ton for your support and encouragement. i really appreciate it!

(((AG))) lonliness/aloneness suck to the nth degree! yes, it absolutely does make things harder to handle everything else when you know you don't have a co-pilot. i really appreciate your encouraging words. deep down i do believe the work i'm doing will open my life up to deeper relationships than i've ever known. i just feel like i'm still so far away from that. "life can take us places we never imagined". i know that, and i'll try to remember that while i'm in this funk or whatever it is. thanks again, AG

(((AH))) thank you for your thoughtful reply. i hear what you're saying about idealizing, and i'm sure there's some of that at play. but, in spite of difficulties, and probably more likely because of the difficulties, people grow closer together over time. people fall in love and get married and have children and raise children and are a unified front, yet remain individuals and are appreciated and respected as individuals by their love, and have difficulties, and their children emancipate and they go through that together, and they grow old together and remain in love after everything. i may be idealizing T by believing that is the kind of life i think he lived/lives. but what i mean is, that that is the kind of marriage i imagined whether T has it or not. that's what i think i wanted to have, but never really had a chance, what with my lack of tools. that's what i was "shooting" for, but never had a plan. that dream is gone. i just am realizing that, and now i need to mourn it. it hurts, but that's a part of life and hopefully i can do just that and move on to better places than i currently am.

hmmm, yeah, the Pete Walker stuff sounds like something i need to read. even going to therapy i feel like i should be ashamed because i'm just being self indulgent. "He said that it really is one of the most healing experiences, to genuinely get in touch with inner nurturing, and it's essential for recovering from the grief of childhood and adult pain". thanks for that quote, it resounds. thanks for all of your thoughtful response ((((AH)))) i so appreciate it and i appreciate your presence here on the forum an awful lot.

thanks for your encouragement, ((((Liese)))). thanks for saying it sounds like progress. yeah, so we can't change something until we admit that something isn't what we think it should be. story of my life.

really, thank you all for your support cuz i really need it right now, and it really does mean the world to me.

(((CD))) stands for 'Champion Dame'!!! (that's a compliment from an Aussie). You're really going great guns lady! Just try not to take on/address all of your concerns at once - maybe think about what will help most in the short term coz the medium and long term is 'out there' and unknown!

Big s

thanks for your wisdom ((((morgs)))). it's all just oozing out, you know?