Hi gang... I just wanted to stop by and say hello to everyone and update you on what I have been up to and why you haven't seen me around very much lately.

There are a couple of things going on that are sapping my energy and ability to post very much. For one, I have started a new class at school and for some (stupid) reason they have changed the entire on-line platform for my classes at the University. So I had to learn a whole new system which they made tons more difficult and confusing. And to add to my anxiety the professor has assigned a "group" project that we need to work on aside from our usual readings, discussion posts and weekly papers to write. It's so complicated to do a group project in the virtual world. We have to "chat" or skype or do group emails and trying to figure out the logistics of this has been a major headache!

The other thing going on is having to do with work. My big boss is here in town for the past two weeks. He usually works from home in another far away state where he moved a few years ago. I also work for his son who is in the office on a more daily basis. They are both miserable to work for. I think some of you may remember how they cut my salary that awful summer when I had two hospitalizations and was dealing with the trauma of abandonment by old T. I was so ill and suffering so much and trying so hard to keep things going but I was struggling and not up to my usual perfect performance, so I got penalized. Well, they are up to their usual tricks of harrassment and threats and just being generally annoying. I also had to sit through another performance appraisal with the manager of the office (who sides with my boss) and was SO hostile towards me it was shocking. My wonderful T was so helpful to me with this review meeting. I had a session an hour before the performance review meeting and my T did a lot to steady me and to prepare me to handle it. He told me that I am a wonderful person and that he would hire me in a second if I applied to him for a job. He also told me as I was leaving that "no matter what happens in that meeting, I will be here waiting for you on Thursday, as usual". That made me feel so cared for and warm inside and I held onto that very tightly for days.

Aside from this, I found out that there was an opening for my same kind of position in my office, most likely for a better salary, and I gathered my courage and applied for it! It's not a perfect situation and I will have to give up my office and sit out in the cubes again but I could really use the money and the main boss is much nicer. So I am anxiously waiting to hear something about that. My boss does not know that I applied... at least yet... not sure when and/or IF he will be told.

Lastly, despite the wonderful, warm, feel good meeting I had with T on Monday... when I went back on Thursday... really happy and looking forward to seeing him and telling him about the new job I applied for... well I walked in and there was his wife's large nameplate back on the office door next to his. It had not been there for the last two weeks so I thought that maybe they decided not to have her name so prominently displayed... of course I hoped she changed her mind and went somewhere else to practice her stuff...but that was just a fantasy as I knew that would not change because I was freaked out over it.

Well, I got so freaked out all over again seeingi her name there that I could not talk to my T and the session was a mess for me. And again, I could not tell him or talk about it. Especially, since the last time I tried to he appeared so angry and abandoning to me that he scared me to death. I just kept telling him that I did not feel safe and that the safe place was gone. I know he is confused by my behavior and reactions and he probably had no idea that seeing her name on the door AGAIN had me freaked out to the point that I was contemplating running out of there. I was so terrified sitting in the waiting room that she was going to open her door and walk out that I felt sick to my stomach and was struggling to stay present and not run. It was just awful.

And so, I called him on Friday and asked him if it would be okay to send him my thoughts and fears in an email since it has been just impossible for me to tell him how I feel about things. I don't like doing it this way and I really do pride myself on facing the scary stuff and talking to him directly but this has to be said because he is in the dark again and I am unable to feel safe and do therapy like this. I don't know what the answer is and I do feel hopeless that I will ever feel differrently about her being there. I just cannot imagine feeling good about having her on the other side of that thin wall. So while I AM going to write to him and try to explain my fears and feelings, I don't really have much faith that it will do any good and I fear he will just get pissed off and tell me to leave because it's HIS practice and if he wants his wife there I have nothing to say about it. I just want this to not be happening and I cannot change it so I feel frustrated, hopeless and helpless.

All of the above has been sucking all my energy in addition to the usual family stuff. I just wanted to let you all know what has been happening and why I have not been posting much lately.

thanks for reading,
hugs to all of you
TN