HI Yaku

The decisions you are facing are extremely stressful. My old T just left as you know. Wasn't my choice. I can't imagine having to make that choice. Have you spoken to your T about a sliding fee scale by chance? I know that can be risky.

Jo

Hi Yaku,

I don't know if my point of view is helpful here, as I haven't experienced the kind of attachment you're experiencing with a T. I did decide to leave my last T (Art-T) after a few months because we just weren't getting anywhere. She kept saying dumb, irrelevant stuff - and I didn't feel like she really had a clue about my emotional experience at all. Even given that, it was hard to come to the decision and to make the decision clear to her (I was scared about hurting her or being rude). But I kept thinking about how fast life moves, how much I want out of my life, how little control we have over some of the things that happen - and I decided that seeing as it was going to take me a while to sort out what I needed to sort out *even if the therapy was good*, I'd better get a move on and not waste any more money or time. I know that sounds ruthless, but I had actually already been through two previous T's who I had mixed feelings about, and I was tired of treading water and feeling stuck. And I had zero emotional attachment to Art-T.

But I have been through the process of voluntarily walking away from a couple of people (not therapists) I *was* attached to, and who I didn't want to leave. It hurts like hell. For me it's been a process of getting mentally clear about my decision, and then just keeping that *knowing* while also letting the grief come tear me to shreds. Allowing the grief means feeling it, rather than acting to stop it or act it out. I remember lying on the floor by the phone, crying my life out, and yet not calling. It passed. Slowly and slowly, and I felt every bit of its passing, and I came out alive and whole.

I don't know what your eventual decision will be, Yaku, but you will survive it. And you seem to have a huge commitment to getting well, so let that guide your way. Somewhere inside you you have the knowledge you need.

By the way, I'm glad you have a reprieve from your husband's trip, and can take your time to work these things out.

I'm sorry that I have not been following along closely so might not have recent updates on what's going on Yaku., but as you know I'm breaking from my T, starting today in fact. It's not set in stone. I think the level of pain staying with my T has reached a tipping point. It doesn't hurt any more to leave therapy with him than it does to stay- and I may as well just go if I'm not at least making measurable progress. My T will not lead me or direct me at all, so that I may as well be doing my own therapy. He is not a leader or guide in my life, just someone I can talk to about problems if I want to- or not.

Your thread title: how did I decide? It took me a very long time as all the patient people on this forum can attest. I literally woke up one morning with the full realization that my life is *not* better as a result of therapy, but that it has gotten worse and more unmanageable and that I feel very alone and uncontained in the feelings my attachment to my T stirs up in me...I have not been organized with this decision, part of the problem, but it just hit me that this has been going on for long enough now with no change. When my T told me that he has not session for me the second time this month, I said that is it, he does not understand or want to address my needs by meeting them, and then I decided to take a break.

That is how it happened for me. The projections that I deal with have made it nearly impossible to discern it, as I am sure you can relate to- but in the end it became something very concrete- I told him after much angst and guilt about asking, that I needed weekly sessions, even related that I was *determined* to make that happen- and though he said he would be happy to do that, except occasionally- still, he was not able to consistently meet that legitimate need, leaving me feeling very abandoned and misunderstood, and distrustful, as if my needs really aren't importnat or trustworthy, as if my attachment to him is something "bad" that is "my fault" and I am too dependent. I just couldn't take the feelings anymore. If he really cared about clients like me, than he would have understood how important it is to put me on his schedule- but I was not in the least important, not even to make a commitment to as a client. Adn- too many promises were broken. He promised me to answer emails that never got answered, and in particular one about a year ago that was of crucial importance to me, so much so that I actually *reminded* him about it and his promise to answer it. He never did. He has been inconsistent with billing, and makes a lot of practical mistakes around issues that are very painful to me, showing a complete lack of understanding or commitment to helping me work thorough the issues that I have- he is literally clueless, and doesn't even care enough to want to become less clueless. It is I who must adapt to him at all times and that has been very difficult and confusing in dealing with.

hmm, this is just me, I hope it help[s a bit...i'M also very hurt because he was truly wonderful T, and extremely skilled and respected all over in his field. And so I feel it is because of me, there is something wrong with me. I know I am not supposed to feel that way, so I would encourage you to try not to leave your T unless you are sure you can do so without taking the balme.

hope this helps a bit,

BB

Thanks, BB. It does help. Right now, I'm feeling like T gets it and want to stay...but, I found out my H was wrong about insurance and we could be saving nearly $6500 a year if I find a new T in our network at my current level of visits...

Considering we could lose our condo and my daughter is getting to preschool age, but we can't afford to send her to one...it seems like, how selfish would it be for me to insist on staying with my T, especially considering I keep getting worse, not better?