Four of my closest friends know, but I only ever really talk about it with two of them, and only with one in any detail (the one who has also had extensive therapy and majored in psychology). My mother knows, and one of my brothers, although I don't think he knows I'm *still* going, and so does my H.

I got married, moved to a new city, and had a few children (and very difficult pregnancies) all within a few brief years, so I've just told the people who know about it that I've needed some support through all the transitions, especially because getting to know people here has been tough. In reality, therapy has been more about my crushing anxiety and earlier traumas, but people don't really need to know that. And there are a lot of people I *don't* tell about T at all, just because I know or strongly suspect they'd be judgemental.

H knows more, but that has grown over time. It used to be I'd come home from therapy and he'd ask how it was, and I'd say, "Okay" and that would be that. Then I started telling him little funny anecdotes and things that would happen, or that T would say, and only gradually (and with support and encouragement from T) did I start telling him more about the content of our sessions and some of the difficulties in my childhood. And I brought him in for a session once, just recently, to meet T and talk about the idea of couples counseling. I was a nervous wreck about it, but it was actually kind of fun to see the two of them interacting.

I don't think there's a "should" to the level of emotional closeness in marriage, but for me, cultivating more has made the relationship more interesting and I'm also able to draw more support from it. It involved taking a series of small risks with H that I guess could have gone either way, but have gone well for the most part. Developing deep trust, even in a "good enough" marriage, always entails a level of risk, I think.

Anyone who knows me in any sort of depth knows I am in therapy. Heck many of the people I know are in therapy too.

Jillann I'm with you on that!

2 of my friends know I go to therapy - they don't know much more than that. One doesn't even live in the same country. They've only found out because I was in such a state when old T left me. I don't think they really understand though coz they somehow think you talk for a few sessions and then you feel better and within say 6 months max you are completely over your problems. I told H that I need to go (that was about a year ago when I was suicidal) he said fine and I think he thinks I maybe needed to go for about 3 or 4 appointments to sort out my depression. He doesn't know all of my issues (hardly anything really and I'm not comfortable discussing any of it with him). At the moment I go once a week and I know he has no idea. He doesn't ask - I don't say. Is that bad? I don't care.

I think everyone is different and with different problems. We also all have different friends and some people are more open to it than others. Some people are just naive and it's not even their fault. Don't worry what other people are doing or saying I think it is a personal journey. I have a good friend who experienced terrible CSA, but her and I are completely different (I've never even told her about my CSA). She finds it healing to talk about her journey and somehow thinks to wash away the shame a person should talk about it. She may be right, and it works for her, but I can't see it working for me. I've never told her because she is exactly the type of person who would call my H and think she is doing me a favour. I love her, but we are different and I don't want to walk her path.

Different strokes for different folks. It's your journey Jillann.

B2W

Only two people -My partner and my closest friend.

My best friend knows, and the friends that referred me to my current T. Some friends I have that are local, but also in another support group I'm in know, people here I'm friends with obviously know. If they know it doesn't really change anything in the relationship. Most of my relationships are non-emotional (they are growing though, and some are very rich)... so I have no idea what the advantage would be to them knowing... unless they were asking why I'm CONSTANTLY POOR.

just two ... my sister and my brother. and if i had any druthers, i'm not sure i'd have ever shared that with my sister. oh, and my two darling daughters ... that's it

quote:

He doesn't know all of my issues (hardly anything really and I'm not comfortable discussing any of it with him). At the moment I go once a week and I know he has no idea. He doesn't ask - I don't say. Is that bad? I don't care.

The same for me b2W. When oldT abandoned me I was in such a terrible way that my dh suggested I go talk to someone. At one time he knew I was seeing someone but I think he figures I settled everything and am not seeing any T right now. I just never clarified anything. And even though he thought it was okay to talk to "someone" he really does not believe in therapy and was not supportive of my taking my son to see oldT.

So in real life only 2 friends and my sister really know about my therapy. I only talk about it with one friend. My T once mentioned maybe meeting my dh one day and I freaked. He does know that dh does not know about my therapy.

I would not be happy if T was pushing the idea of being more public with my being in therapy and the issues that I am addressing there.

TN

My family mostly knows, because initially it was the result of a very painful family thing some of you know about...and because sometimes I have to count on them for childcare. They know almost nothing about what it's about, though.

Some very close church friends know, either because they were backup support people with H out of town or else because the schedule conflicted with other stuff I volunteer/help with. H has told some other friends both about my therapy AND my diagnosis without my permission...that was great...

Hi Jillan,

I have two close friends whom I share experience with about my sessions. One is a T herself. I like getting additional feedback from them about what I’m feeling and/or just ‘use’ them to vent. Some other people know I’m in therapy but have no clue as to why or how.
I wouldn’t be too happy about my T pushing me to tell more people, or make the kind of phone calls you describe. In my book, as a client you don’t need that kind of pressure. If you don’t feel ok about that, you should really tell her that.

Hope it helps

My H, brother, some in-laws and a few close friends know. But on very different levels about content I discuss- my H knows pretty much every detail, brother knows but we don't discuss it a ton b/c he views it as something unnecessary that I'm choosing to do, and 2 close friends know bits but I don't divulge info I feel would overwhelm them. (even though they have expressed a lot of concern and curiosity)

For me it's always been mostly a matter of testing the waters with people I interact with the most, and deciding whether that info would be handled with the appropriate amount of maturity and insight. In a few cases it has been a huge relief to just know that I don't have to keep to myself such a huge part of my life.

It is a very personal decision, and I would also be really uncomfortable for a T to put pressure on me, as it takes time to decide if each individual involved in the disclosing is capable of being understanding and supportive in a way you need. I would suggest telling T you feel that this should be decided at your pace and judgement, since you are the one who lives with the results of the disclosures.

AH

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your responses. I was feeling like maybe I was strange for wanting to keep this private and not share it with the folks in my real life. I have to say this board is a Godsend. It helps so much to know that I am not alone in my feelings about this.

HIC all that change in the space of a few years definatly merits some time in therapy to process. Especially dealing with difficult pregnancies. I'm interested to hear how you thought it was bringing H into your therapy space. My T does mostly couples counseling and she really believes that I need to do that with H. She said if I was uncomfortable bringing him into her office she would refer us to someone else that works like she does.

Turtle T was saying that in some areas of the country most everyone does go to therapy and its just normal for folks to relate what their therapist said or what they were working on. Where I live in the rural south that is so NOT the case! It would be nice if I thought others might understand but I don't really feel that way.

B2W I understand about different people handling things in different ways. It is good that you understand your needs and how not to get them met. I need to think more about this but I think I will lean toward privacy being the best thing for me too. You lose too much control of the information when you put it out into the real world.

Stoppers Thanks for responding.

Cat you do make a good point. Friends just knowing I'm going to therapy is not the same as knowing what I'm talking about or doing in therapy. I can choose how much to share. And I can definatly understand being poor because of it

Closed Doors Can I ask why and how you told your girls? Are you glad you did? My kids are 15,13,and 11. The oldest knows I'm seeing someone. He saw a website open and asked. As this is the second time in my life that I've fallen into a major depression I do somewhat feel they should know there is a genetic component to this. But I definatly don't think they are old enough to understand all the issues.

TN - good for you doing what you need to to take care of yourself. How on earth does your H not know that you are seeing a T. My husband has to know because of insurance and financial reasons. I do need to let T know that she kind of freaks me out when she starts suggesting that I should be more open about therapy.

Yaku - Ouch, H telling others without your permission had to be awful. That is exactly why I don't feel comfortable telling friends. I don't think H would tell others but I'm not so sure about friends. Thanks for helping me see this.

Shaman - It would be so nice to have a friend that was a T that you could bounce things off of or just relate with. Someone that would really understand the "unique" nature of the therapy relationship. I guess that is sort of T's point by keeping is silent I will never know if any of my friends have ever done therapy either.

Monte - How did you get to that place with your H. I would like my H to be a little interested, a little worried about me. He has shown no interest and no concern. I don't know how to bring him into what is going on without giving him too much information. It seems like a giant wall between us right now.

AH - this -each individual involved in the disclosing is capable of being understanding and supportive in a way you need - is exactly why I have stayed so silent. T want me to reach out more and part of that is sharing some of my struggles with friends. I just feels too risky to me right now.

Thanks Everyone,

Jillann

quote:

I'm interested to hear how you thought it was bringing H into your therapy space.

It was not what I expected at all. I was worried about H feeling uncomfortable or out of place because T and I have this close relationship that he has not been a part of. I worried that my therapeutic alliance with T (which is, I think, pretty strong) would be felt in the room to an awkward degree.

But really once we were all settled and had made introductions and some small talk, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself feeling more linked to *H* (of all people, lol) than T. In retrospect this makes some sense. Even though T is the one I talk to primarily about the deep stuff, the sensitive stuff-- after all, I *live* with H. We eat dinner together almost every night. We have a million and one little common habits and associations.

I think T's style of interacting with us as a couple in session strengthened this linked feeling. If anything, she "catered" a little more to H than to me, treating him like the honored guest, someone she'd heard about and was now happy to finally meet. I was surprised he didn't seem more nervous, but he chatted along with her quite comfortably. And I think I subconsciously responded to the shift in the usual dynamics of the room by using "we" statements when I talked about H and I, and speaking to T with a smidgen more distance and reserve than usual. It was just a totally different scenario than an individual session, and more comfortable than I would have expected.

I told her/them that I mainly brought him in so everyone could meet, and also I thought H might have some questions about me/my treatment that he might like to talk to T about, and also that we wanted to explore the idea of couples therapy-- whether it would be a good idea for us at this time or not. So, T asked us questions and got us talking about our marriage, ourselves, eachother, the kids, stresses. It was kind of clarifying to talk about all that stuff undistracted, in a neutral space. It ended up being decided not to pursue couples counseling further at this time-- er, because it seems most of my issues are mine and not specifically problems in the marriage. T did give us some pointers and told me I needed to work on communicating more openly.

Anyway, that was that. Lemme know if you have any other questions, and sorry if I went on too long!

Best!

Thank you so much HIC and Monte for sharing your stories about bringing your husbands into your therapy space. Part of me see why T wants me to do this. H and I are living more like roomates than an intimate married couple these days. We are very alike. I think that surprised T because she was saying people often seek out the relationship they saw as children. H and I are both very avoident personality styles. We say very little of what goes on in our heads. I was telling her Friday that the risk of upsetting the apple cart or changing something was too frightening for me. She said I have a marriage contract with him. Thats more than I have with her!

I don't know. I think I need to ponder this a little more. H and I are dealing with some difficult family news right now (his mom is having a lung biopsy today) so I think I will wait for that to play out a bit before tackling therapy with him.

Thanks again for your sharing. It sounds like overall it was positive for both of you. I so hope to get the same result when I get brave enough to approach it.

Jillann