Hi MM...I can certainly relate to how you are feeling. I had a session with my T where for some reason that made no sense at the time I got really angry with him. I didn't tell him right away but later sent a scathing email to him that he did not deserve at all. He was frankly shocked when he got it and had me come in for an extra session to discuss it. Of course by this time I felt just awful at all the accusations I spewed at him for no reason. When I finally calmed down and journaled a lot of my feelings from that day I realized that a very innocent part of our conversation triggered some old abuse memories and I sort of projected them onto him. I was not really angry with him but with the situation I found myself in back in the past.

To his credit my T did not get annoyed with me or defensive in any way. He was just confused with my reaction to our session. It took that extra session plus another one to finally get to the bottom of everything that triggred me. I apologized to him but he tells me I never have to apologize for anything I say to him.

Another reason I find this happens is when I'm getting close to some really painful issues or memories I use the anger defense as a way to push my T away from me so I don't have to face up to things. It feel safer to push him away and keep him at a distance than to talk about what is really troubling me. You may have felt ambivalent about your last session where you say some important things were discussed. Maybe you thought you wanted to continue with that but in reality you were uncomfortable with letting her in closer and so resorted to attacking your T instead.

Try journaling or writing about the session and letting your thoughts flow. I find that this really helps me to zero in on why I reacted in an out of character way.

And BTW, welcome to the Board.

True North

LOL! Been there. I told my T that I never know how I'll act before I get there...

Hopefully this will make you feel a little less guilty -- your T will be looking at your behavior as an exception to the norm, and probably will wonder what caused it (meaning, she won't take it personally), and how you felt about it. You'll be going over some new material in the next session, which is a positive. It sounds like a defense mechanism became a personality -- keep exploring it!

Hi MM

Welcome!

I've been where you are .. twice, and for me the hardest thing (like you) was not having a clue as to why I acted the way I did. The bad thing is that my P tends to feed on my defensiveness by pushing me harder, which seems to fuel the fire for me. I see her 1x a week too and it kills me sometimes to have to wait to get back to the issue or to apologize (more often than not I'm not able to revisit the previous topic).

This happened the day I told her about the transference I was experiencing, she appeared to have changed her tactics with me after I told her and she started to push to get to the real reason behind the transference. I felt like I was being attacked and felt as though I had to defend myself from the things she was saying. Then it seemed like she became defensive and like we were just argueing back and forth for an hour. I was extremely angry about that session for a week, and then some after the next session. But the time between sessions felt like weeks, it dragged and dragged AND DRAGGED .... (sorry for telling you that part )

I also used to tell my P that I would never be emotional in front of her and that if it was going to happen I would get up and leave the room because I don't show emotion (crying) infront of anyone, and very little even when I'm alone. We were both shocked the first time I cried in her office and stayed there, though I fought it off quickly and now tend to only tear up occassionaly vs a full out cry.

So I guess the short side of that is that I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and there are probably many of us that have experienced what you are.

TN had a good point in saying that when things get close to coming out she/he (sorry TN, I've not talked to you enough to be more specific)use anger as a shield .. fight or flight. So maybe that's something you could look at, and like TN said .. Journaling is a good way to help figure that out for yourself

Anyway .. not much help for you, just some support

Be well!

Holly

Thank you TN, QG, and HB for your suggestions and words of support.

After journaling extensively for the last several days, I think I have some glimmer of what set me off. I decided to write a letter to my T to read to her in my next session. This way, I have in front of me on paper what I want to discuss, and won't have to try to remember all the parts and pieces. I started this letter yesterday, and hopefully be able to at least touch on all the points I need to bring to my T's attention.

Thanks again,
Musical Me

MM -- that's an excellent idea!

MM

Let us know how it goes for you. I occassionally will write things down to talk about or something to read so that I don't miss anything. As soon as I display a piece of paper, my P tells me to put it away and just talk about what's there. It makes me crazy that she won't let me read it, and like I anticipated happening - I never get everything out that I want/need to say.

I hope your T is receptive to it It sounds like I have the only Therapist around here that is a bit of an ass so you're probably safe LOL

quote:

Originally posted by Musical Me
I decided to write a letter to my T to read to her in my next session.

I have found that this works well for me. I find that I don't always have the courage to actually say the words that I want to. Writing it down in a letter helps, both with the courage and with getting my thoughts organized. I hope it works well for you. I think it's a worthwhile thing to do whether or not you end up delivering the physical letter.

quote:

Originally posted by HollyBaby0:
I hope your T is receptive to it It sounds like I have the only Therapist around here that is a bit of an ass so you're probably safe LOL

My old P really hated it when I'd bring paper too. At one point I had written down a few notes for myself. During our discussion, I wanted to change the topic (according to my journal, it was because I was bored of the current one ... but who knows) ... so I looked at my notes and he says to me "I doubt what's important is on that piece of paper." If I had him read something that I'd written, he wouldn't actually say anything about any of the subjects on there, I still had to spit it out myself.

So, no, you aren't the only one with a therapist who is a bit of an ass

Hi Heather (Z)

Hey at least your previous P rad something you had him read. Mine wouldn't even do that! It must be a P thing. I'll be happy when I find a T to help me with my P LOL

Holly

I have to really wonder about this kind of approach to therapy. If we are attachment injured, which we are!, then healing comes in an experience dependent way. If you feel you need to be comforted, then you do!.....who knows better about what you need than you??.....if these therapists would move out of there own fear and follow the lead of the client, then maybe change would really start to happen.

It has been healing for me to have a therapist move over and sit beside me and wrap her arms around me while I cried. I had never had that experience of having someone strong and safe comfort me when growing up and it was a very new and healing and comforting thing to have happen. It made me feel safe and I trusted my T way more than before because I knew she "got it" and knew what she was doing with me. She was attuned to my needs and was giving me what my mom didn't so that I could grow past those old childhood wounds. In my 4 years of therapy with that person, it happened maybe 8 or 10 times and that was all. Why would it be such a problem??? You can talk about everything that comes up and work thru the feelings and thoughts associated. My T was very discreet when she got close to me, we talked about boundaries a lot, and she usually wrapped a blanket around me before she held me. I can't even begin to tell you how important it was in my recovery....or maybe you already know how important it is by the need you are describing! This particular therapist has taken Allan Schore's master class in attachment and right brain therapy...she has a lot more successes with her clients than some others ...and my experience with her validates why.

If all P's and T's understood Right Brain Therapy which is talked about a lot on this website and did their own personal recovery work in therapy, then maybe they'd understand the "experience dependent" aspect of therapy (meaning you need the experience for the brain to process the experience, heal the need and close the wound. The new neuroscience is out there and getting a lot of attention but many are not really doing what it shows us works. It makes me angry that they leave you hanging like that. My new P also is very careful to keep her distance and leaves me sitting in my pain, she's young and has been taught in the old medical model way... but I am teaching her