why | The PsychCafe

llilangel02Member

I can't help but to ask myself why. I ask that question a million times a day. I am a 26 year old single mom to a wonderful little 4 year old girl. We live with my grandparents. I have a great job that I love and pays well teaching middle school students technology classes. On the outside I am ok. I am a strong person. I had to grow up kind of quick because my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in middle school and my dad was so messed up on drugs and alcohol that he couldn't take care of himself muchless my mom or my younger sister. I stepped up and did everything possible to make sure my sister wasn't effected. My grand parents helped as much as they could, but when they couldn't the responsibilities fell on me.

I often wonder why that was. I wonder why my dad couldn't have grown up. I wonder why my sister got pregnant and had my nephew when she was 16 and of course I helped with that too cause her husband is OCD and has only recently after 6 years started taking any steps towards getting help for his issues.

I wonder why even though my life isn't that bad my anxiety is so bad. I wonder why I can't have a relationship that doesn't end in heartbreak from "him" cheating on me. I wonder why I have trouble trusting, even when I try to trust.

I wonder why my mom died in January before my daughter was born in November. I wonder why a lot and I can't seem to find any answers. Am I too hard on myself? Am I not hard enough on myself? Do I push myself enough?

Why do I not look the same as I did a few years ago? Why can I not just be happy with things the way they are?

I want happiness, but I just don't know how to get there. Everytime I've been in thearapy before I haven't really gotten any of the answers either. I don't know if I don't pick the right therapists or if there just are no answers to my questions.

I am on medications again, and they help me to function, but I still don't feel happy. My anxiety hasn't been that bad lately and I haven't needed to take my anti anxiety meds lately, but I also haven't been dating anyone since November and I am starting to wonder if dating guys is what makes my anxiety soo bad.

If anyone was any input I would truely appreciate it. I am at a lost for what to do.

2/2/106:32 PM

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mad hatterMember

Hi llilangel, thank you for posting and welcome to the forum! I read your post yesterday but didn't reply right away because I have been trying to think of a good enough response. Trouble is, I don't have one. I ask myself some of the same questions and often feel I am spinning my wheels.

But I wanted you to know you have been heard!

I was wondering if you would like to share more about your previous therapy experiences? Would you be willing to give it another try? Therapy is an up-and-down experience for me. I have quit or almost quit several times. I am not a patient person (with myself or others) and I get frustrated easily. But I have to admit that when I look backwards far enough, I can see progress in myself. It is not obvious to me from week to week, but compared to where I was a year ago I can say that at least some of my questions are different now. I don't know if that sounds very hopeful or not. Sorry, it is the best I can do!

2/3/107:13 AM

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amazonMember

Hi llilangel,
I also try to find happiness in my existance. I hope it won't be all grey and miserable and I hope I will share my life with someone someday.
I believe therapy can help me find the answers. It already did help me find something and I feel a lot better than around the same time last year. I can't say that I feel happy, but I don't feel overwhelmed by loneliness, isolation and anxiety. My little anxiety feelings that were appearing out of a sudden are pretty much gone. Sometimes I would feel very lonely, but it doesn't take me into despair, thank God.
I think I desperately needed to love, with my whole self, the way a child loves, absolutely and totally. I also would like to be loved but that is a different story. But the fact that somebody let me love him to that extent is something I was waiting for all my life. I know that is going to change me and I am not afraid to feel lonely or depressed now or in the future anymore.

2/3/1011:43 AM

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llilangel02Member

I am not against trying thearapy again. I just don't know where I would fit it in to my schedule or really even where to start again. Being a single mom who teaches full time including being the advisor for yearbook and having a homebound student that I see two times a week after school hours limits my free time. When I has in therapy before I went every other week to sessions with my thearapist. She was an extreamly sweet lady and in ways helped to to see some of what I needed to do to get through what was going on at the time, but I don't feel like I got any long term questions answered. It's kind of hard for me to open up to someone I don't know, and it takes time for me to tell it all when the person is looking at me and I feel like judging me. How do I get past that? Any advice?

2/3/103:07 PM

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amazonMember

quote:
Originally posted by llilangel02:
She was an extreamly sweet lady and in ways helped to to see some of what I needed to do to get through what was going on at the time, but I don't feel like I got any long term questions answered. It's kind of hard for me to open up to someone I don't know, and it takes time for me to tell it all when the person is looking at me and I feel like judging me. How do I get past that? Any advice?

I think it just takes time to trust, and takes time to have the long term issues sorted. You are very busy person, but probably you need to do something very important for yourself to find your happiness. Few years ago, when I was 26 I just made my recovery from my give or take 3-years depression. But that still didin't make me quite happy. I knew there is something in me, that perhaps would start crying out again sometime in the future. So I had a plan, once I will have fairly stable financial situation, fairly stable job and a place to live I will do the long term therapy I didn't have a clue how it works, all I knew was that it's supposed to take time and it's supposed to be a fairly permanent fix.