I wrote this earlier today. Im just gonna post it now and maybe edit later.

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I’m stuck.

I’m going to call a specific feeling that I am having a hard time describing as “xyz”

Whenever I feel in danger, unsafe, uneasy, scared, I feel either a number of body sensations and emotions that are easy to describe and understand (or I will go numb in every way, and not feel anything.)

Whenever I feel "xyz", my hands, wrists and a few inches up my arms hurt. They hurt the same way every time.
I think this is linked in some way to traumatic event I went through in the past.



****possible trigger about one brief detail of traumatic event****

I think the hurting is linked to trauma where I was tied up by my wrists. The clearest memory I have of the whole event was looking at my left hand and trying to get my hands free while numbing out everything else I was physically feeling as I fought to get my hands free. I remember at the time only being able to feel my hands, and too horrified to let myself feel anything else the rest of my body was feeling. I fought hard to get free and as I couldn’t I think I let my brain numb out everything but my hands – because if I could have just pulled them out of the rope they were tied up with, then I could get away. Otherwise, I was stuck, unable to physically escape the horror. There are a few other events in my life where I vividly remember trying to get free of my hands being held, and numbing out the rest of my body during the trauma itself.

****end of trigger *****



At the time of the trauma, the one body part I didn’t numb out was my hands. But now, when I think of this traumatic stuff itself, I go numb and I can’t speak. I don’t have any conscious body sensations at all when I think of what happened. All I feel is numb, cold and shivery. My hands don’t hurt. I’m just numb. When I feel unsafe or in danger, or even just unsure, I don’t ever feel this hurt in my hands.

But they do hurt at other times. I wonder if some connection to the trauma is being stirred up or not. I wonder if they just hurt because they just do, it’s just my body’s way of responding to whatever xyz emotion is.

They hurt when someone is being kind about a sensitive issue and/or when someone is kind when I’m in the middle of struggling with deep pain. They hurt when I go see a doctor.

They hurt when I feel close with my T or anyone or even an emotional connection with an animal.

They hurt when I think of the words self defense and the word vulnerable. Either of those will trigger it.

I don’t know what I feel. I wonder if this is me struggling with feeling vulnerable and this pain is my body remembering how vulnerable I was during the trauma?


(section deleted for personal reasons)

I’m not sure why I am scared to face what my hands feel. I wonder if it’s just something I feel when I feel vulnerable or if it is because I’m scared it will lead to memories of the trauma. Even if it is about the trauma, I don’t have to talk to the eq T about it. She never pushes that. It could be just how my body feels when I’m vulnerable. So I wonder why I push it away so much. I can understand pushing away being vulnerable… but I’m not doing that generally… except maybe today… in some weird way by being vulnerable and yet hiding my hands. It really doesn’t actually change the vulnerability… yet I still hide them.

When I try to sit with the hurt in my hands when they come up… I can’t do it so well. I think I feel really embarrassed about it. I’m fine with sadness making my chest heavy and stuff like that. But hurt in my hands? Why would I feel ashamed of just admitting I feel that? Why do I not want that feeling to be seen or noticed, even by an animal? When I do let them see, it does help, and it’s hard. But it’s very exhausting to hide.

I’m tired of hiding.

Anyone have any thoughts?