So, I get there, and I start thinking about my parents in the waiting room. I was remembering being denied things I needed. And then remembering, "Hey, but my mom gave me a credit card at 11, so I could take care of myself." She would yell at me about charges, but I was able to get food for me and my younger siblings, sometimes get some clothes or school supplies. So, I wasn't always without. And then I start crying a little, because why the F--- is an 11-year-old needing to get all her own food, clothes, etc. and care for toddlers? So, that went away and I just kind of blanked out staring at the rug and then T came out and invited me in.
I sat in the chair closest to the door for the first time in months. I did it, semi-consciously, because the two times I have moved to the floor and he moved over by this chair, all the way away from me, it was too painful. So, I guess I was punishing myself (or him) for wanting to be closer and connect more. He made note of it and I misled him by saying I "couldn't say" why I had sat there, which made it sound like I didn't know, but in reality, I kind of had an idea and didn't want to admit it. So, he asked how things were going with me (nothing to say came to mind), me and God (blank brain), me and H (told him about last night's episode), me and my sisters (a little news there).
I was feeling extremely anxious and couldn't identify exactly why it was beyond my usual level of, "Crap, I am thinking about how I have to leave before we even get started," stuff. He started talking about philosophy for some reason (I was blanked and totally focused on physical sensations like nausea--actually, I think nausea is what got him on philosophy some how) and asking about college stuff and I outright said I didn't want to talk about it, because it wasn't important. He said it was and I said, "Not to me. I don't want to talk about that now. It feels like a waste." T asked, "Because it's small talk?" And I said, "Yeah." And he said, "But you don't like big talk!" So I said, "Yeah, but that's why I'm here. I can't always avoid it."
So, we went back to my anxiety and he said talking about my anxiety was big talk, and maybe did I want medium talk? I said I wanted to talk about it, but I didn't really know what was going on. And he said, "Are you sure? Because you've written about it before." So, I guess HE knew what was going on, but was not enlightening me about it. I said I just couldn't get comfortable and he asked what would make me comfortable. He was going to make me work for it. And though I had an idea that this would be a good time for me to say, "What would you say if I asked you to sit with me or at least closer to me?" And I had practiced saying this to T in my head...but I could not. I was frozen. I went away in my head.
Somehow, the topic of my parents came up and he asked if I had a picture of them. I had brought my wedding album (June 2003), in case we reviewed my family tree, and so I opened it up and pulled the only photo I have of me with my mom and my dad. When he saw I had an album, he got all excited and asked, "Oh, is that your wedding? Can I see!?" I said OK, so he rolled his chair over and set the album on the evil, glass coffee table that I hate because it usually separates us. So, we looked through the album together and I pointed out all the family members and friends we had talked about and some we hadn't. He noticed the pastor who married us, who is also a MFT, and he knows personally.
I didn't realize how comfortable I was and at ease sharing it with him. He was literally closer than he has ever been, just a foot or two away. At times, I would take over flipping pages to go back and connect one person to another for him. At one point, my hand grazed his as I did that, and then I realized very suddenly, "Whoah, wait, T and I are occupying the same space!" It felt so comforting, but I felt miserable that it was going to end at the same time. When he saw our wedding cake, he looked at the clock and I went into a panic. He explained that the cake made him hungry, which made him wonder what time it was and why he was hungry. I gave him my printed out family tree and we discussed it a bit (at slightly more distance).
Then he asked if he could pray and pulled back and I got VERY angry...mostly at me for letting myself get so comfortable and close when I should have known how much more painful leaving would be. But, also a bit angry at him, because he didn't transition very smoothly. Having felt that close, I needed him to pull back slowly, maybe even give me a chance to realize that the distance and closeness stuff was what had been going on and have a chance to verbalize it to him. But, it was my fault for not jumping on my opportunities when I had them, so I can't really be angry.
I had asked him yesterday (via text) if he could print a statement or receipt, because we're trying to modify our mortgage and the expenses for therapy are the best chance for us to show why we need it. He disclosed here that he doesn't even go home until Friday mornings, so that would be the soonest he could do it and would that be OK? Poor T...he works all over the place and only sees his wife on weekends and I'm sitting here texting him all the time and invading his life! I felt awful. I know that wasn't his intent, but to just let me know why he couldn't get to it any sooner (so I wouldn't feel like he was denying my needs, which is a very big issue to me). Then, he asked me to text and remind him Thursday night or Friday morning and then said, "Actually, when we do our call on Friday morning, if you could just remind me then." He seemed to realize that he was assuming we were doing a call, like it is a regularly scheduled thing now, and said, "Are you available for the Friday morning session?" And I explained that I had left it open, but "Is it really OK?" And he said, "OK...with me?!" like genuinely surprised that I felt at all hesitant about whether or not he wanted to offer me that extra time. And I said, "Yeah." He said something emphatically affirmative, so that made me feel a little better.
He said his usual, "God bless," and I muttered, "Thanks" and walked out so dejected. I had to sit halfway out to my car, because I had very strong SI urges come over me for letting myself be so close with him. I just sat and prayed and waited it out for a few minutes and then went to the car. I texted H that I was too upset to drive right away. I felt like I understood what happened, and before I could chicken out on T, I sent him a very long text explaining it.
Basically, I told him that I thought I had sat far away to punish myself (maybe him too) for me wanting go be closer and connect more. That the anxiety I had been feeling was probably from my self-imposed distance, and that reflecting on it, I had felt very comfortable and at ease when he came close to discuss the photos. And then, when it came time to go, I got extremely angry at myself for having basically negated the distancing myself to defend against the pain of leaving him. And I let him know, that yeah, I supposed it was about the same vulnerability/abandonment stuff and asked if that was what he had been trying to imply...though not really expecting a reply. I told him I felt like a ridiculous part of me was playing a chess match, moving around to prevent a check-mate, realizing the best I could hope for is a draw, because I'm unwilling to risk a bold move. Then, I drove home. When I got home, I felt overcome with regret for sending the text, so I sent another one asking why there is no "unsend" feature for texts and apologizing that I blank and freeze and cannot talk or even think in person with him and then dump all over him once he's out of sight.
Ugh, I am feeling so broken right now. I want to talk to him about this stuff...but I want him to ask. I want him to say, "Yaku, you keep writing about wanting to be closer to me. Would you like to know my boundaries? Is there a reason you feel like you can't ask? Would it hurt very much if you asked and I said I wasn't able to do it? Where do you think that hurt comes from?" But, without him saying something very specific like that, I panic and despite my feelings screaming through me, I can't actually put two words together to describe what I want to communicate. It's not that I don't want to...I literally can't even form the thought of what I want to say, no matter how much I have practiced it in my head. And, even if I have it written down, I literally freeze and cannot read the words out loud.
I am so exhausted. I want to be with T so badly and I want to never see him again. And I got home and suddenly have stabbing cramps. I haven't had my cycle in six months, since I went off the pill. Last time I went that long and got it, it was my first post-pregnancy one (10 months after I had my daughter), and it was so heavy and painful that I had to go to the ER and almost lost consciousness.
I just need to make it two-and-a-half days until I can talk to him on the phone. I hope he texts me back tomorrow and just lets me know that it was OK to text him. Why is this so hard? Why is T so wonderful and safe and everything I needed during my childhood, but way too late and I can't even keep him?! Why can't I talk to him, in person, about how painful it is to need him in this way and be so attached? I am so tired. I want to be done. I don't want to ache like this anymore. I am starting to feel the anger of never having had adults be safe and stable for me when I was vulnerable. I don't want to feel so alone in these "little" feelings. I am tired of fighting against my urges to SI and having ideas of how to be gone pop into my head. But, I'm pretty certain I won't do it, so I don't even feel like I can call out to T for help with those feelings and thoughts, so I just sit with them, ALONE AGAIN.
Sorry, this is so long, but I can't journal and email it to T, because it is just me not talking to him in person and then unloading on the "idea" of him. Thanks for anyone who read all of this and sorry (projecting here) if you are all sick and tired of me.
