(((cnfusd))) I don't think I've properly met you, hi!

I could be way off... but I kind of think that sometimes emotions come up when they are ready... when you are ready. I'm of the opinion that forcing stuff isn't really healthy, but that's just me. I feel like some stuff is shut off if it's just too painful or threatening to "go there" yet, and there could be good reasons for it at present. There's a lot of material I couldn't access years ago, that I can talk about now, but it took time and patience and I was able to get it out when I was ready, and not a moment before.

I'm wondering if you could start smaller, like instead of trying to access whatever things are really scaring you, maybe you could try to access what exactly scares you to talk about them? What is it that you feel when you think about accessing your more frightening feelings, or opening up to others, or even yourself? I had to go through that process anyway, of figuring out what was scaring me about talking or opening up, before I dove into the scary subjects themselves. And then before that I had to even make sense of what it felt like when I would shut down.

Hope that makes sense. I think the more pressure you put on yourself to access stuff, the harder it can be to access it. If you are in favor of creative types of therapy, sometimes it kind of helped me to try drawing my feelings out.

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I'm wondering if you could start smaller, like instead of trying to access whatever things are really scaring you, maybe you could try to access what exactly scares you to talk about them? What is it that you feel when you think about accessing your more frightening feelings, or opening up to others, or even yourself?

I struggle with ambiguity A LOT, so just working out how I really feel about something can be a challenge. Then expressing it? That's a whole other obstacle.

I agree with Armored Heart: the first step is to identify and discuss your fears and feelings about opening up. I did this at my last session about connection/attachment. It really helped. And in the process, some connecting occurred. You may find that once you voice your hesitations about opening up, opening up will happen naturally - and in a very safe way.

Hi AH! Glad to properly meet you too!

Thanks for you response. I do agree that emotions will come up when they are ready but I feel that I am ready. Maybe my mind and body know better though. One thing is I can access my past traumas and talk about them. It doesn't bother me. However, it's as though I am speaking about them happening to another person and I never speak of any emotions attached to them. T tries to ask "how were you feeling at the time?" I always respond with "I don't know how was I supposed to feel at the time?"

I am definitely going to try and start smaller. I think I will work this week trying to figure out why emotions scare me. I also hate when people are emotional around me. I can't handle them or rather I don't know how to handle them.

Affinity thanks for your response! I am so glad I am not the only one walking this crazy path. My T has tried to get me to discuss my feelings about opening up but I just shut down. (Shocker right?) It's as if there are several ways I could react to anything and I never know which one is right and appropriate so I choose not to feel anything.

I just want to make sure I do everything right as I am a slight perfectionist and I can't stand for someone to see my flaws.

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It's as if there are several ways I could react to anything and I never know which one is right and appropriate so I choose not to feel anything. I just want to make sure I do everything right as I am a slight perfectionist and I can't stand for someone to see my flaws.

Oh, I so wish my T were here to respond to this! He is a first-class perfectionism buster.

I was a perfectionist for a long time, too. It is a really common trait among people who have grown up in abusive/volatile families. It comes from caregivers and others being threatened by a child's emotional responses. Everything is labeled as "appropriate" or "inappropriate," and then those falling into the inappropriate category are shamed and/or punished - which often results in the withholding of affection or, worse, more abuse.

At least, that's how it was in my house.

The problem is, after coming out of that environment, you start looking for others to supply those labels. And when said labels aren't forthcoming, you sink into fear and ambiguity because you can't judge or control how others will respond to your feelings. (Holy cow, I think this is the first time I've articulated this for myself! ) To actually express yourself without any sort of prior value judgment on your emotions feels both terrifying and impossible. Been there!! Still trying to get out of it!!!

My T would say that there's no such thing as appropriate or inappropriate emotions. Emotions are our natural, spontaneous, rational reactions to our circumstances. They can't be "right" or "wrong"; they just are. What's right or wrong is how we act on those emotions - how we behave. Religion and society puts value judgments on behavior, not emotions. So it's ok to talk about feelings in a healthy way and expect that we won't be punished or abandoned...which is really what we fear will happen.

If your T is like mine, therapy is a safe place to explore your feelings and express them. It's a terrible feeling to go through life feeling unable to ever voice your true thoughts - or worse, not knowing what those thoughts are! Keep trying, and be gentle with yourself. You'll get through this!

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Originally posted by Affinity:

The problem is, after coming out of that environment, you start looking for others to supply those labels. And when said labels aren't forthcoming, you sink into fear and ambiguity because you can't judge or control how others will respond to your feelings.

Um do you mind if I take this? You just described me to a t! Want to put this in my journal for reflection later and to possibly read to T.

Absolutely! I'm glad that my words could help.

I think you can - and HAVE worked it out though - you're aware of that it happens. So I think the issue isn't that you are somehow 'dumb' and not able to 'work it out' but that it's an old pattern and you're finding it mega hard to learn to do things differently.

In the past, your shutting down response served to PROTECT you - the wise wee girl in you learnt it was the safest thing you could do at the time. And it worked - cos you are still here

But now, like the rest of us - things are different in the 'adult world' and we fight so hard to learn newer ways of being and responding. Put simply - are needs have changed and the way we seek to have our needs met needs to change.

So instead of it being a 'I'm stupid I can't work it out' thing, it's really a 'patience and kindness to myself while I re-learn years and years of doing things one way and I keep trying to do practice a new way'

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Originally posted by ElizaJ:

So instead of it being a 'I'm stupid I can't work it out' thing, it's really a 'patience and kindness to myself while I re-learn years and years of doing things one way and I keep trying to do practice a new way'

ElizaJ Thank you for your kind words here!! So hard to be kind to myself.