Liese... I think your T is trustworthy. Yes, he has made some changes but he is not inconsistent which is a red flag. Once he understood attachment and what you needed he made the adjustments to your treatment and has stuck with it. He has not wavered or gone back and forth and all around with no reason to what he does. My oldT would do that. He would encourage my attachment and then back away and act cold and detached and then warm and then angry. It was crazy-making. I don't see that in your T.

Your T is not a cold man and that is not why you perceived him as cold. He was being a CBT T who does not put much effort and value into the relationship part of the therapy. He was more focused on technique and structured mechanics of change. I just think he has a much better understanding now of what you need and what works for someone with attachment injury.

I think you are reading him fine. Of course you feel vulnerable because you are invested in the relationship. But your T is aware of this and I very much doubt that he will ever hurt you intentionally. And if he does something upsetting, then you have the option and opportunity of talking it over and coming to an understanding.

I know it seems scary, but it's not dangerous.

Hugs
TN

He's become a better T now, but I don't think he's changed as a person, and he seems very steady now. Understandable that the past stuff is still in your mind, however.

I thought of this post the last couple of hours. TN Explained it really well. I think you helped your T become a better T - I think he was slow to catch on as to what you needed from him for your relationship. I think he has now added a lot of things to his repertoire. His patchiness shattered you for a very long time - and now I think you need to trust that he is consistent and safe.

hi liese,

i could have written some of the things you wrote... i also have huge issues with trust and find it very hard to believe someone will actually be on my side and even want to look at me let alone 'look after me'. it sounds like your T has adjusted the way he used to practice to meet your needs but that you still find that very difficult to believe and understandingly return to your doubts because i imagine that's what you knew as a child - mostly the evil side of the people who were supposed to look after you. so maybe he wasnt as cold as you imagined him to be, if he is so different now, but the fact that you hadnt yet experience any warm things from him made him seem 'evil'.
i dont really have anything helpful to say... it will probably take time and he will have to prove it to you over and over again.

hugs,
puppet

I just wanted to come back and thank everyone for giving me their support in my desperate hour of need. It really helped me get through the night last night when I was struggling.

I saw my T today and was and still am overwhelmed by the session. It was very touching. He reached me on a deep emotional level that I'm not sure I understand yet but I'm just overwhelmed with feelings of calmness and gratitude.

It's as if I finally trust that he's not going to emotionally abandon me. It took a long time to get here but we're here now.

He asked me what triggered the evil thoughts and I couldn't really come up with anything concrete except to focus on some things he said in my last session before the holiday that put a different spin on things for me.

As I'm sitting here tonight I recalled that between the two sessions before last Thursdays session, I finally told my T my entire history. He now knows everything about me. The entire story. Aside from me, I'm not sure anyone else on the planet knows my entire story. I didn't think I felt vulnerable about it and I'm still not sure I do but throughout these disclosures, he's just been amazingly caring in an extraordinary way. He really is being extra supportive since I started disclosing more and it's difficult not to be touched by his caring.

Could I have been worried over the holiday that he would reject me or think less of me for what I just told him? And instead focused on this other stuff? And relief today at seeing and feeling that it's quite the contrary?

I'm not really sure that's what happened because I genuinely thought I was upset about these other issues I was focusing on. Could I still be so out of touch with what I'm feeling that I wouldn't be aware that my disclosures were the source of my vulnerability?

Was I just looking for reasons to distrust him because I felt so vulnerable? Looking for reasons to doubt him so as to protect myself just in case he was not as accepting today? Am I asking the same question but in a different way? LOl!

I guess it's all quite possible. It's hard to say because we had the separation in there due to the holiday. Not sure if I would have had a similar reaction or would have struggled so much if I'd had my normal appointment.

quote:

Was I just looking for reasons to distrust him because I felt so vulnerable? Looking for reasons to doubt him so as to protect myself just in case he was not as accepting today?

I think this is probably it Liese. I think this is the case for me.

Something else you said has rocked me. That you have told him all your story now. I don't think I ever will be able to be at that space. I have never told people anything - so to tell one person everything seems so terrifyingly impossible.

So glad you feel some peace Liese. I hope it lasts for a long time.
SD

quote:

Could I have been worried over the holiday that he would reject me or think less of me for what I just told him? And instead focused on this other stuff? And relief today at seeing and feeling that it's quite the contrary?

Liese... I think this is spot-on! I have often done the very same thing. It does not happen as often now with my T because after experiencing this a few times ... the revealing stuff and his kind, warm, positive reaction... the fear and need to be angry at him for protection seems to diminish. No matter what horrible stuff I tell him about me, he is always the same kind, caring , sweet, accepting, funny T. He is truly my rock.

Liese, good for you for having this great insight about things and I'm so happy you had a good, intimate, warm and connecting session with your T. He continues to prove himself as a really good T.

Hugs
TN

((((MONTE))))

quote:

Liese, no matter how many positive interactions I have with my T, it's the (far fewer) less-than positive ones that seem to impact most. It's a bit like the media...only bad news makes the headlines!

So sad, Monte, but so true. I'm still holding onto the good feelings today, though, thank goodness. It's going to take a while before this beat-up psyche is able to hold onto the good stuff most of the time, I think.

Somedays, don't lose hope. I honestly never thought I'd ever tell anyone my whole story. I actually never gave it any thought. There were things that I never thought worth mentioning but only learned how significant they were from this forum. And, I've been with my T for 4 1/2 years. It's been a long time. I know why I told him these things now but it was really never planned. They came up in the context of other things going on.

((((TN))))

It was validating to hear that you have experienced something similar. I still can't connect with it though as far recognizing a tangible thought process, even on a subconscious level. It just feels like a guess and only because T asked what triggered this stuff now. I truly thought I was upset over what he said. But because of the missed appointment and his triggering comment, it's hard to really trace it back with any certainty. Although maybe his comment wouldn't have been so triggering if I hadn't just revealed all that stuff? Who knows. '

Thanks for saying he continues to prove himself. He is feeling really solid and really safe and it's very nice. No more emotional abandonment going on. That was awful.

xoxo

Liese

((((DRAGGERS))))



Thanks. That was really sweet.



Liese

Liese - Glad that holding onto your T is easier today. I think, despite my best efforts, I also get caught on past perceptions of my T and they interfere with me staying connected. It can be so hard to hold on at times and it takes me an extreme amount of reassurance to do it still. It can be difficult not to beat myself up over it, but my T has always said he understands that when someone's trust has been so wounded, it is difficult to be vulnerable again in that way. There are pockets of vulnerability (and maintaining the "connection" itself is a vulnerability), then overloads resulting in shut downs. But, as we continue to see safety in those vulnerable places, the ability to hold on seems to increase. I do wonder at times, however, how long it might take to get to the point where I could feel what he feels. He says he feels connected to me from the moment I leave the room until he sees me again. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I feel like I can barely hold onto the idea that somebody like him exists once I leave without verifying it constantly. And sometimes I'm so scared to verify it that I'm stuck in disorganized attachment hell starting toward one direction or the other and then freezing, unsure what to do. But, it slowly gets better. I think it used to be more often than not that I would retreat and punish the attachment drive. Now, it seems more often than not that I am able to at least say, "I'm scared that you're gone, and I'm scared to ask and find out it's true, and if it's not true yet, I'm scared that my asking or being scared will make you change and be mad at me, be mean, leave me all on my own to sort out this stuff."

Anyway, I don't know if this related at all to what you have been feeling, but most of my bad T images come from a place of fearing he doesn't REALLY care and/or is fed up with my inability to feel safe.