(((SP))) Thanks for answering and understanding. You make a good point that knowing it's not true almost makes it more difficult to manage. I'm trying to feel like it's OK for me to go back Friday. I'm pushing through. But, I really just feel...his life would be so much better if he had never met me, and it's hard to continue inflicting myself on him.

According to the articles etc. on psychotherapy, the hate and fear will eventually turn into a positive transference. It takes awhile and you working steadily with the therapist. Have patience with yourself. I think you have a good T, from what you've said before.

Yak, you received some good advice here. I also feel like you do, but it is not as intense. I don't think my T hates me....I just think he tolerates me and we have had many "fights". He did tell me the other day....that he did not like me...because of the way I acted. I was okay with that and deserved it and was so glad he was honest with me. We talked it out and that is something I never learned to do...and..he did not leave me. We worked it out. He felt comfortable to tell me that and I was able to withstand it. Your relationship will become stronger You will come together. Stay strong and know you are not alone in this struggle.

(((Draggers)))
(((Skylynx)))
(((VH)))

The thing is...I have worked with him four years come September. Three of that has been double sessions two to three times a week (mostly two). I know for a certainty that he in fact loves me (in a very appropriate way). We get along great, though I have terror reactions, and don't really ever have arguments, though from his point of view, that's because I'm terrified of anger, as it was unsafe, and only turn it on me. But I can't stop feeling hated, and if I manage to for a bit, I can't help but feel there is something wrong. With his NOT hating me. After all this time, is it really likely to change? Maybe it's just impossible for me to equate attachment with anything else but terror, rejection, unsafety, abuse...

If I am honestly still so scared after all this time, do I really have a chance of moving forward?

Yaku, for what it's worth I see huge positive changes in you since you first started posting however many years ago. I know we see only a bit of you here, and it's hard to articulate what I see without feeling like I'm being reductive. Also don't want to trigger you by saying good stuff! But still, maybe it's worth saying that to me you seem so much more connected, present, in balance, grounded. Of course there are still big struggles and things I know you are working on, like this painful feeling of being hated. But if you are questioning whether your therapy journey has been fruitful, whether it's taken you anywhere, well, it has, and I'm very sure (from my perspective) that you are still moving forward.

(((Jones))) Thanks for holding hope for me while I can't...

I think I figured out that I am hugely triggered right now, being brought on by Father's Day upcoming.

Sorry, had to delete...I don't even know what's true or real. Sorry.

Jones, That clip was so funny..thanks!!
Yak, You are moving in the right direction and that is critical. The process is slow and frustrating at times, as we all know. There are ebbs and flows too. You're doing fine.

Hi yaku. My heart really goes out to you. Feeling hated by the person you want to love and accept you is so painful. And I can agree that attachment has been all those things you mentioned and more.

I want to tell you there is hope for moving forward. Unfortunately, it’s been a very slow process. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone, but I can share what I learned from another T that I saw for one session. She said I would feel what I feel with or without my T. She said I feel hated with or without my T. My feelings are my own. So I needed to think about what is the feeling behind the obvious feelings.

I’m slowly finding some relief from this idea of feeling hated by my T. It kind of led down this path… I felt that T hated my guts and despised me. But under that was the fact that I actually hated myself. The process of self-hatred was even more intensely painful than feeling that T hated me. I’ve come to learn that my extreme self-hatred was/is probably a strong defense against feeling intense amounts of shame.

I am currently working on my shame by accepting my own humanity. I am human and the things I've experienced were violent and brutal. While my million defense mechanisms are not normal for "normal" people, they are completely understandable and expected for someone with my history. Ever so slowly, I am learning to have compassion on myself by accepting that how I feel and what I think about myself are a result of what was done to me. But what was done to me does not determine or define who I am. I am a human being with dignity and value. I haven't completely or perfectly internalized this truth, but I'm slowly allowing it to seep into my heart.

I hope this helps somehow.

PassionFruit