Why can't I talk?

mtfMember

I am so tired of going to therapy and being asked questions by my T about my attachment to her and not being able to talk. I freeze up solid and feel like there's this wall around my feelings concerning my T. I'm so discouraged by this. I've been in therapy for almost 20 months and I'm still stuck in the attachment department. I can't verbalize and it's making me crazy.

I got stuck spinning over the weekend about my session last Friday and my T asking me how my relationship with her is different from other attachments. I felt like asking her if she was serious. It seems like a no-brainer to me. She's a therapist and it's not a 'real' life relationship. Duh! I told her I didn't want to go there. She thinks it's more about embarrassment than fear but I told her it's both.

Anyway, I called her Monday and she called me back. I told her I am frustrated because I can't talk to her. She said that the 'secrets' I'm keeping are what is killing our relationship, like the secrets I keep from my H are what is killing my marriage.

I don't open up and share my feelings and don't express my needs. My assignment for this next session was to look at all my needs and list them for us to go over next session. Now she just wants me to journal my feelings and what I'm struggling with saying to her and be ready to let her read it if I can't read it out loud (which I have only been able to do once, a year ago). I told her I was frustrated by her question about how this relationship is different and that I felt like it was a 'no-brainer', and she said she just wants me to see the patterns. She said it's not the people, but the patterns in how I think, act, and feel within the attachment relationships that are important. She said it's NOT a no-brainer because I am the only one that 'knows' the differences and similarities, as she can't read my mind--I have to open up to her about it all. I guess I was looking at it too generally because I was looking at the facts that it's a therapeutic relationship and there are glaringly obvious boundaries. I thought she wanted me to articulate those things as the differences, and it made me mad. I think she wants me to look closer and more deeply. She said she was glad I called her, that for me that was progress.

I just don't know why I am so scared to talk to this woman. It's not like she's going to bite my head off or anything. It just scares me so much. I'm tired of getting nowhere in my therapy. How can I get past this? Is this much fear and anxiety normal/common? Any ideas? I know a lot of us struggle with this to some degree. I feel though like I'm paralyzed by it and I tend to start shutting down when I have to go near the subject with my T. I just wish I had some solutions as to how to get over it.

MTF

5/11/119:41 AM

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yakusokuMember

MTF - I'm sorry I can't give you helpful advice, because I'm even further back on this journey that you are. It is nearly impossible for me to tell things to my T face-to-face, nor can I read my journal entries to him out loud, and it pains me if I hear him read more than a sentence either. So, I do think that much fear and anxiety is normal/common, at least for people with attachment issues. I find the only way I can really TALK to T about things like this is if he asks very specific questions. Like, he asked if I wanted to share my dream, and I desperately did, but felt like I couldn't, like I needed him closer, but I couldn't ask for that either (because I don't know what he'll say). Anyway, if he had asked me, "Do you need something specific from me to be safe sharing this?" I could have told him I wanted him close. If he had asked, "Do you think you could just tell me one thing about the dream? Like, just the very first part? Where were you at the beginning of the dream?" I could have answered. But, if he doesn't go to that level of engagement with me, I just blank, freeze, etc.

5/11/119:55 AM

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mtfMember

Thanks, Yaku. I'm glad I'm not alone, although I feel bad for everyone that struggles to talk to their T about this stuff.

I wish my T was more specific. I have to ask her a lot what she means because she's not very specific, or I assume she means something but then I'm scared I'll answer the wrong thing because I interpreted her question incorrectly. When she just asked, "What makes this relationship different than your relationship with Howard?" I literally froze and my mind couldn't even go there AT ALL. And I sat there with this feeling of disbelief just thinking, "Are you serious? You don't know the differences between that relationship and this one? Uh, I can't see you socially, I can't know you, you're not my friend, I can't just call you up and chat about 'stuff', I can't know your family, be a part of your life, etc. Do you really need me to say all that?!!" I was pretty angry at her at that point in time, but of course couldn't tell her I was angry, because I just don't tell people I am angry at them. I stuff it. She told me on the phone that my inability to tell her in session about those kinds of things is also what makes our relationship like it is (i.e. not going anywhere positive). Then she said she needs to know the differences so that she can know what I need, what boundaries are needed, which ones aren't, and I was again speechless. I'm just so confused, and I know I need to tell her that. I just don't know how.

Thanks for understanding. I guess I need to tell her she needs to get more specific in what she is asking me. I'm sure there are other things she could do to help too. I need to really get deeper in my thinking about this. It's just hard to go there because I'm SO afraid she won't be able or willing to do any of those things, or I'll get hit with boundary issues, or something awful. And of course I don't actually 'know' how she'll respond, so I'm not giving her the opportunity to show me.

Ugh.

MTF

5/11/1110:22 AM

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blackbirdMember

MTF, your anxiety does sound severe. Mine can clam me up too, and I know how awful it feels to not be *able* to discuss what you so badly need to discuss. You know what I have been doing lately- and it is working in some way, though I am pretty emotionally shut down on my T anyway, lately..so maybe that is why I can, oddly, be emotional, or oh- it's hard to explain. Anyway- that's my stuff not yours so I won't go there. Your question is what to do. I've been physically *forcing* myself to utter the words/questions that I *do not* want to say. Just literally forcing the words to come out of my mouth. It's really hard. It's like: " mouth, say this. say it now." Then I eek it out in a monotone with lots of pauses and it takes me forever to just *say* it, whatever it is. But he's patient, mostly and lets me take my time saying things for the most part- and then at least we have something to work with. I both hate and love my T for doing this to me. I guess that is the only advice I can give you...sadly, I think at some point it becomes an exercise of the will. Just to make yourself say what needs to be said. Read it out from a sheet of paper even. Now when T starts the session with.."what do you want to cover today.." which I find so difficult..I read out from my notebook *literally* and probably in a monotone- "I need to work on my trust issues with you,"... and...whatever else I have written down there usually icky questions about him and the relationship we have. I feel myself being able to open up to my Husband a little bit more lately and I'm sure it is as a result of doing this excruciating exercise with my T. I absolutely hate it, feel stupid, feel ridiculous, embarrassed anxious, afraid- but it works.

Gosh I hope this helps. I have found that it is the only way. I have to make myself say it. That's all there is to it. You can do it, MTF- you can say the words you need to say to her, even if you don't feel them, connect with them, or get anything out of it at the moment- it will help. My T said that even if I don't connect to what I need to ask anymore or the questions and notes I've written down, I should still make myself say them. ((((MTF))))

5/11/1110:48 AM

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mtfMember

Thank you BG and BB.

I think I do just have to force myself. I've done it before, it just wasn't a good turnout on the part of my T and so I think I just hold a lot of fear of what her reaction will be. If I tell her what I want but know I can't have, it feels like a pointless conversation, or one that is just going to end in pain. I wonder why she is asking me this stuff when I feel she should know the answer. I feel like asking HER what is different about this relationship and others in her regular life outside of therapy. Maybe then she'd get it. But maybe not. Maybe that's like comparing an apple with an orange when I'm supposed to be comparing an apple with another apple? I don't know.

I think I'm just afraid she's going to reject me for my answers, or laugh, or act surprised/shocked. Sometimes she's been good with just being unfazed by what I say, and others it's like a sort of bomb went off. Maybe I need to tell her she needs to put a paper bag over her head so that I don't have to see her. She once said maybe she should do that, half-jokingly.

Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. I know it's tough and that I HAVE to force myself to do it. I guess I should be grateful that my T is finally welcoming even written communication, as at one point she told me no more letters/writing. I think she realized that stifled me a lot.

Thanks again!
MTF

5/11/1112:31 PM

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mtfMember

Monte,

quote:
As you know I experience a very similar type of angst. I relate to your awareness that what holds you back from verbalizing is your fear of rejection and humiliation. Maybe also a fear of being received with coldness and indifference, or being misunderstood in spite of your best efforts to communicate clearly. It is so distressing to come away from a session dis-attuned and uncomforted that fear of this alone is enough to have you clam up.

I know you relate, and you articulate it so well!

Maybe I should take that quote above into my T and let her read it so she can understand better what it is I feel when I have to talk about this attachment stuff.

I have written to my T several times, sometimes 5 typed pages doing a dance around what I really need to say. Sometimes I feel I have actually said it though, and she never adresses it in session. So I know I am going to have to read it to her and then pause and talk about stuff. Or let her read it out loud and pause when she wants to. I don't know. This is sort of unfamiliar territory for me, and it makes me really anxious. I have to tell you that I think you are doing so well in your therapy that I am in awe of where you are going with it. It's a wonderful example to me of how being direct and getting real with needs, etc., can really propel things forward in a positive way. I desperately need that.

I think my T is finally aware of how sensitive I am to her reactions to what I tell her, and I do believe on some level that I won't get a really negative response from her, I will instead be wondering just how much self-control she is exerting to keep from saying what she wants to say but knows will shut me down. I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting when I feel like she is freaked out by me and my issues.

I think a list is a good idea. At a minimum I will be more specific in the things I write about so there is no question what I am trying to express. I don't really want her to have to ask me to expound on stuff verbally. I know I'll freeze up if it comes to that.

Thanks for the response. My next session isn't until next Friday, so I have a week to stew about it. Sigh.

MTF

5/12/118:21 AM

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ladygreyMember

MTF,

I recently started discussing my attachment issues with both of my Ts and I was so nervous and embarrassed at first, but I have to say that once I started to get the words out, it felt so much better to talk about it instead of keeping it inside. My only advice to you is to push yourself to work through the fear and embarrassment and take a leap and talk about it. I think you will be surprised at how good it feels to get it out and the relationship will grow stronger.

5/15/1111:19 AM

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