Lately T and I have been making daily pacts to keep me from ED behavior.

At first I found the pacts really helpful because the thought of having to tell her I broke a promise I made to her was just unbearable for me.

However, as time has gone on, I've realized that T doesnt ever ask me about the pact. She will just text something like, "should we make another pact for tomorrow?"

When she doesn't ask about it, it is VERY upsetting to me, and of course this comes at the end of the day as I am getting ready to go to bed for the night, so i usually end up in a total state of triggery mess and cannot even sleep properly.

I expressed last weekend via text how distressing this is for me. She said she was having a hard time following the texts. So then we talked about it not once but TWICE last week in therapy. I explained that when she doesn't ask about the pact, the pact loses meaning. If I KNOW she isn't even going to ask me how I did with the pact, I no longer have that fear of telling her I broke the pact which was my compelling reason to not purge. So basically the pacts become meaningless.

She told me that she doesn't like to ask me how I did on the pact because it feels sort of authortarian, like a parent making sure their kid did their chores after they were punished or something. I quickly told that is not at all how it feels to me and that in fact, I NEED her to ask in order for the pact to work. (this convo took place on Thursday). So Thursday night, she asked, "How is the pact going?"

But then Friday and Saturday night, she was back to not asking me about the pact and how did but instead just saying, "how about another pact for tomorrow?" The first night she did that, I let it slide and didn't make an issue of it but the second night in a row, I sort of lose my shit over it and texted her that I feel hurt that even after I asked in clear terms about what I need with regard to the pacts, she is still not hearing me or perhaps it just isn't important to her. I told her that the pacts lose their meaning when I know she isn't going to ask about them. I said that I am starting to sound like a broken record because I've already said this stuff several times before. lastly I told her that I see that she does a lot to try to help me adn I am grateful for those thins, but this issue regarding the pacts is painful to me.

I haven't heard back from her and sent those texts late last night. I know I probably pissed her off and seem like an ungrateful brat who eats up her free time with endless texting, but honestly so much of the texting lately has primarily been about her lack of follow up about the texts.

This issue is reminding me of my marriage in which I used to ask my husband to text me if he was going to be late so that I could plan dinner accordingly or stay at the gym a little bit longer before going home to make dinner. I would ask for this simple request time and time again and he'd say ok, he understood the importance of it....and sure enough, he would continue to not text me to tell me if he was going to be late. I should have stopped trying to change him in that area because it was pointless. It was never going to happen. He is not the type of person to ever take anyone else's schedule into account and it was like beating a dead horse to have the same conversation over and over again and the more we talked about it, the more angry and bitter and resentful I became. This is what is happening with T. I can rationalize that she does all of these wonderful amazing things to show me that she cares, but really...she is totally screwing the pooch on this pretty big issue that shouldn't be so difficult to do. But just like my ex and just like most people in the world, you cannot change them. You cannot control them. You can only control your reaction to them.

....which leads me to this question. Where I go from here? How do I react? I've expressed myself plenty about this at this point. I don't feel like I really need to say anything else to be more clear or firm about what I need. She just isn't getting it. So does that mean I just let it drop and forget about it? Or do I acknowledge to myself that this is something that makes me feel not very good about myself and my relationship and T...and do I take my business elsewhere? I guess my thoughts about that are that from what I've read here....just about EVERY T has some area that they are failing their client, where they are either negligent or their boundaries are too tight that it becomes a dis-service to their client. So what's the point in shopping for another T?

So then it becomes of a question of do I just quite therapy altogether and realize that I am wasting my money on this and instead just get my shit together on my own? Right now I'm feeling like therapy is causing me more grief than help and safety if I am being entirely honest. If I didn't love my T so damn much, I could easily walk away and feel like I am doing the right thing. I honestly think it would be better for me. But I love her so much that the heartache that will go with walking away seems unbearable.

So who knows what I will do, but I do know that its pointless to discuss pacts, make pacts, discuss what would make them more helpful ,or even talk about how her totally ignoring my simple request that she ask me how I did with my pact. Its a lost cause and if I've learned one thing in my life, its that the more I try to get her to hear me, the less she will care about me and the less she will like me...and the more she will dread having any contact with me.

So I guess I bury this issue if I am going to continue with her.