This afternoon I called my T to ask about when something was scheduled for. She said she would send me an email yesterday or today - because it would have been yesterday or today. I didn't get any email, and my email server was down. So I called. Except for my very first call to make the very first appointment with my T, we have never actually talked on the phone. We have texted or emailed... and it has worked well. Today, I called. (Which I am totally welcome to do) and I got the secretary. She put me through to my T and she surprisingly picked up. I just hung up. I couldn't even say my name... seriously... I called from my work number, and I don't think my T could have known from caller ID it was me, but still. I hung up on her. ugh. I am such a dork.
I think it is likely that she will figure out it was me that hung up. I told the secretary I was calling to ask about scheduling. She could tell my T that the person who hung up on her was asking about that. After I hung up, I text my T after I hung up. I didn't mention calling, but just texted to ask about the same scheduling thing.
About and hour later, I called and someone else was answering the phones and they easily gave me confirmation that what was going to be scheduled for yesterday or today was moved to next week. Then they asked my name... I said oh, I'll just follow up with (my T). They said ok and we ended the call. Ugh. I just keep making this worse.
I do have the info I wanted now. So now I'm just left with the reality that I hung up on my T. And that she probably knows I did all of this about a rather simple thing, so neurotically. And there is the text I sent her that she will probably respond to eventually.
I feel amazingly anxious about what I did and sick with worry about what my T thinks. It's been a very long times since I have felt this way... and it hasn't been this bad about something like this very many times in my life - but today, I feel almost paranoid about this. I don't even know what I am fearing exactly. I mean really, what could the long term consequences of this nuttiness of mine today have? I hope not many, and not very bad ones...
On a deeper level, I think I am struggling with something with both of my Ts. I don't quite know what it is, but I think it is related to attachment. It has been a very hard week. It feels like my defenses are melting in the mix of deep pain.
I'm also just plain worn out.
Maybe that's why this thing about calling my T is really getting to me. I wish I hadn't tried so hard to call her only to just hang up. I should have just let it all be. Yet what happened, happened. And it triggered me deeply. It's just a call, not a good thing to hang up, but shiesh, I am still beating myself up for this minor thing. Why? It's not helping me. My inner critic doesn't actually help me be a better person - not when I get this hard on me.
I took the battery out of my phone, and can't bring myself to put it back in and see if I got a text back from her. I'm terribly worked up about this, and it shouldn't be this hard.
sorry to rant on and on about this battle with myself.