Thank you Liese, stoppers and Kashley. I like that she said "therapy isn't really a big deal." I can't explain it, but it somehow was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm hanging onto that right now. Just seems kinda gentle and relaxed about it, no big thing, but also not at all "ho-hum I don't care." I'm also kinda shocked that she would fit me in so quickly. Not sure what to make of that, but, it's probably good otherwise I'd have, like a week or two to change my mind.
No big deal, no big deal, no big deal.
phew!
Beebs that took enormous courage. Be proud of yourself. I'm glad she called back and seemed nice and relaxed about the whole thing.
It's just a meeting. No pressure. Just a chat.
It will be okay. Really.
Hugs
TN
It's just a meeting. No pressure. Just a chat.
It will be okay. Really.
Hugs
TN
quote:No big deal, no big deal, no big deal.
I love this! I think I may have to borrow that and start chanting that to myself.
Glad you are doing okay, Beebs.
AAAAAAHHHH!!! (((((Beebs))))) this is wonderful news!!! You already like her phone style and we can glean so much over the phone!!! You're doing so much better than you realise - truly!!!
I'm so pleased you took the appt and am so looking forward to hearing how it went!!! Power to you BB!
Love, Morgs xx
I'm so pleased you took the appt and am so looking forward to hearing how it went!!! Power to you BB!
Love, Morgs xx
Oh, Beebs...I like how she sounds, too. 
And I really like how you sound in response to her. This is good. Good job, honey. Please let us know how it goes...we are here for you!
Much love,
SG
And I really like how you sound in response to her. This is good. Good job, honey. Please let us know how it goes...we are here for you!Much love,
SG
Beebs,
Excellent work reaching out and making that step. I think this T sounds really good so far and I hope that you like her when you meet. Looking forward to more updates!
Excellent work reaching out and making that step. I think this T sounds really good so far and I hope that you like her when you meet. Looking forward to more updates!
Well, I met with her.
She was nice, very sweet. I talked about stuff I think. I was pretty surreal feeling. She seems really young to me, even though she is almost 15 years older...I felt like I was soooo much older than her. Like 90 years older. She literally felt about 16 years old to me.
My gut says it's not gonna help me, no way, no how. She recommended a psychiatric eval, but said they are pretty hard to come by around these parts. She suggested no more online therapy for me. Seemed to think I, in fact *am* carrying a load of trauma, in spite of what I think. I said..this just seems like it's more for anxiety or trauma, and I'm not that, I just am really...flat. I don't really have trauma. She kind of laughed and said "Oh I think you are carrying trauma...like, *extreme* .." I was actually very surprised at that. She gave me a sheet on practicing good self-care. She was gentle, there was absolutely no intensity to her at all. But ..nice. She was nice, but...Lots of self-disclosures, chattyness...she told me she cries in sessions, and some clients find that confusing, but she has to let emotion go through her when it comes. ???
she went over by like half and hour and didn't charge me..maybe purposeful, maybe just poor boundaries, I wouldn't know. It seemed natural to give her a hug when I left, so I did. I felt like I wanted to take care of her. She seems very childlike to me. She made me feel about a hundred years old. Like Methuselah. I might go back, simply because everything in me is saying that this is totally ridiculous and will never be able to help me as it doesn't go deep enough... since that has clearly not worked wlel for me in the past, it might be good to try a totally different, uncomfortable, very light approach. Very light, almost...girlish.
Not sure about this at all.
I really really miss my T...more than ever. I'm just...
BB
She was nice, very sweet. I talked about stuff I think. I was pretty surreal feeling. She seems really young to me, even though she is almost 15 years older...I felt like I was soooo much older than her. Like 90 years older. She literally felt about 16 years old to me.
My gut says it's not gonna help me, no way, no how. She recommended a psychiatric eval, but said they are pretty hard to come by around these parts. She suggested no more online therapy for me. Seemed to think I, in fact *am* carrying a load of trauma, in spite of what I think. I said..this just seems like it's more for anxiety or trauma, and I'm not that, I just am really...flat. I don't really have trauma. She kind of laughed and said "Oh I think you are carrying trauma...like, *extreme* .." I was actually very surprised at that. She gave me a sheet on practicing good self-care. She was gentle, there was absolutely no intensity to her at all. But ..nice. She was nice, but...Lots of self-disclosures, chattyness...she told me she cries in sessions, and some clients find that confusing, but she has to let emotion go through her when it comes. ???
she went over by like half and hour and didn't charge me..maybe purposeful, maybe just poor boundaries, I wouldn't know. It seemed natural to give her a hug when I left, so I did. I felt like I wanted to take care of her. She seems very childlike to me. She made me feel about a hundred years old. Like Methuselah. I might go back, simply because everything in me is saying that this is totally ridiculous and will never be able to help me as it doesn't go deep enough... since that has clearly not worked wlel for me in the past, it might be good to try a totally different, uncomfortable, very light approach. Very light, almost...girlish.
Not sure about this at all.
I really really miss my T...more than ever. I'm just...
BB
quote:She was nice, matter-of-fact and kept enough distance on the call without being too impersonal and cold. which really helped me, actually I felt calmer and better right away after talking to her.
I think that what you wrote up here BB is exactly the way to start off a new try at therapy. If you felt calmer talking to her on the phone...
I'm glad to hear that you went and that she was gentle and nice. I know that the going over the time could be a boundary thing, but you know what? It IS worth a try!
Even though your gut says it isn't going to be helpful, I like that you are seeing that the past approaches weren't earth-shattering, so maybe trying something you'd never consider workable is actually going to work?!
A piece about the trauma... I didn't think that my life had any trauma - grew up with both parents at home, clothes, food, school, friends, all the basic needs and a bit more. After talking through some memories, though, my T pointed out that the experiences I have lived through are traumatic, but for me, it was just my norm, so I didn't think anything of it. It was really REALLY hard for me to wrap my brain around the idea that I have quite a bit of trauma in my past. I'm still not always convinced, but when my T points out that if I heard about a child living through what I lived through, what would I think? So maybe this new T has a point, a different perspective, and since you carry it differently than she hears it? Dunno
I'm glad, though, you're giving this a go! Hope it is helpful!
((((Beebs))))
Hey Beebs...
A lot of times it is SO hard to tell what exactly is going to happen with a T in those first few sessions. I know I've told you plenty about my T, but I actually had plenty of doubts about her for about 10 sessions. About session 3 or 4 I was thinking that maybe I should call another T. There was finally one session where it just felt *right* and I knew I could stop worrying about possibly finding another T. I didn't have nearly the connection that you had with your old T, but I think a huge reason why I had such doubts about my T was because I did really like my first T. Or it maybe have just been that I was used to her. Anyway, I spent a while comparing and wondering if my current T could help me.
My T also talked about the way she worked in the first session. I think it actually intimidated me at first because she was saying that sometimes she tends to be sarcastic (and said a few other things...can't remember though), and something about that made me wary that maybe it wouldn't work. But she's ended up being fantastic. At the end of the first session with my T, she said that she did most of the talking this session but that normally she would sit back and let me have my say and not impose on my time.
I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I do see a bit of a red flag when she said that she has to let the emotion go through her. That's great, but she should only do that if she thinks it would be beneficial to you. I think, for the next session, it might be a *really* good idea to have a list of questions. You don't have to say them if you don't want, but try to bring them with you so that if you feel like you want to ask something, you won't be scrambling to remember. Asking questions about anything you have doubts about will help you recognize sooner whether or not she can help you. I think you've done a really great job being open with her even though it is so hard...I just want to encourage you to keep trying to be open with her right now. Since it seems like the perceived age difference may be a problem, I would really try to bring that up and just see how she responds.
Thanks for updating us, Beebs...I'm sorry you're missing your T. It really makes all that you are doing even more courageous. ((((hugs))))
A lot of times it is SO hard to tell what exactly is going to happen with a T in those first few sessions. I know I've told you plenty about my T, but I actually had plenty of doubts about her for about 10 sessions. About session 3 or 4 I was thinking that maybe I should call another T. There was finally one session where it just felt *right* and I knew I could stop worrying about possibly finding another T. I didn't have nearly the connection that you had with your old T, but I think a huge reason why I had such doubts about my T was because I did really like my first T. Or it maybe have just been that I was used to her. Anyway, I spent a while comparing and wondering if my current T could help me.
My T also talked about the way she worked in the first session. I think it actually intimidated me at first because she was saying that sometimes she tends to be sarcastic (and said a few other things...can't remember though), and something about that made me wary that maybe it wouldn't work. But she's ended up being fantastic. At the end of the first session with my T, she said that she did most of the talking this session but that normally she would sit back and let me have my say and not impose on my time.
I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I do see a bit of a red flag when she said that she has to let the emotion go through her. That's great, but she should only do that if she thinks it would be beneficial to you. I think, for the next session, it might be a *really* good idea to have a list of questions. You don't have to say them if you don't want, but try to bring them with you so that if you feel like you want to ask something, you won't be scrambling to remember. Asking questions about anything you have doubts about will help you recognize sooner whether or not she can help you. I think you've done a really great job being open with her even though it is so hard...I just want to encourage you to keep trying to be open with her right now. Since it seems like the perceived age difference may be a problem, I would really try to bring that up and just see how she responds.
Thanks for updating us, Beebs...I'm sorry you're missing your T. It really makes all that you are doing even more courageous. ((((hugs))))
I dunno. I just feel so completely abandoned tonight. I thought the pain about my T would get less but it is worse and worse. I keep imagining my Dr. just holding me, giving me a hug, say there, now it's alright. Then I feel so guilty for such imaginings because he would be disapproving of that maybe, and it is weird and makes me feel completely mental and like it's not allowed to even wish for such a hug.
I don't think I will be able to see this T again. She was too...fuzzy. Informal. Huggy, chatty...more like a girlfriend. She didn't have me sign any forms. She was late enough that I was waiting outside locked door for long time, wondering...if she forgot. Lots of talk about her own stuff...kinda, not big deal at all, and I could see it could be useful..but I think, just...the way...now I appreciate my nice formal serious, grave, T- even though it hurt that he was like that and not a friend. I don't think I want a friend for a T.
I'm really sad, but I just don't think any T is right for me but...my Dr. I didn't like feeling like Methuselah next to a 50 year old. I really felt...old. I felt like patting her on the head when I left and consoling her that her therapy didn't seem right for me.
I miss my Doctor.
My H had a very interesting idea today after I came home. He suggested that I take the money I would have spent on therapy, and find a personal trainer... Like...somebody to help me get in better physical condition. Like hire my own personal butt-kicker, instead of go to therapy. I am seriously considering this idea, since mind and body are so connected, and I have no energy, interest, or stamina. It might help...it can't hurt. I could not really be worse off than I am in terms of emotional health, so why not try. And it won't be more expensive. I will be horribly embarrassed if I go through with it, but as they say, no pain no gain. I hate the thought of it. But it might be the ticket to just make me get me moving, at least?
I don't think I will be able to see this T again. She was too...fuzzy. Informal. Huggy, chatty...more like a girlfriend. She didn't have me sign any forms. She was late enough that I was waiting outside locked door for long time, wondering...if she forgot. Lots of talk about her own stuff...kinda, not big deal at all, and I could see it could be useful..but I think, just...the way...now I appreciate my nice formal serious, grave, T- even though it hurt that he was like that and not a friend. I don't think I want a friend for a T.
I'm really sad, but I just don't think any T is right for me but...my Dr. I didn't like feeling like Methuselah next to a 50 year old. I really felt...old. I felt like patting her on the head when I left and consoling her that her therapy didn't seem right for me.
I miss my Doctor.
My H had a very interesting idea today after I came home. He suggested that I take the money I would have spent on therapy, and find a personal trainer... Like...somebody to help me get in better physical condition. Like hire my own personal butt-kicker, instead of go to therapy. I am seriously considering this idea, since mind and body are so connected, and I have no energy, interest, or stamina. It might help...it can't hurt. I could not really be worse off than I am in terms of emotional health, so why not try. And it won't be more expensive. I will be horribly embarrassed if I go through with it, but as they say, no pain no gain. I hate the thought of it. But it might be the ticket to just make me get me moving, at least?
Hi BB
Oh what a difficult dilemma for you. I must admit my own thoughts keep wavering as I read what you write. I guess there maybe is no obvious right answer. I think monte was really wise in suggesting a trial period on both sides if you do see the T again. That way you have the ability to walk away if it continues not to feel right for you.
I must admit the being late, sharing her own stuff, giggling, huggy chatty etc does ring a few alarm bells for me. She might though have been wanting to put you at ease on your first session, but it still seems a bit unusual. I guess I am worried about you being hurt Beebers.
The age thing is difficult too - age in itself is not so important, but it's the maturity that is needed isn't it?
Beebers I must say I warmed to your H's idea, if you were in agreement and weren't doing it because you felt pressurised into doing that. You are right about the mind/body connecton and about the link with derpression being helped by exercise. Don't be embarrased if you do go through with it (maybe another trial is in order?!) the trainer will be used to all personalities, shapes, sizes and abilities - they'll just think you're brave for talking that step. But you might need to share just a little of your stuff so the trainer can adapt a programme that's right for you and your needs.
Do let us know what you decide, meanwhile sending massivest hug (((((((((((feathery one))))))))))))))
starfishy
Oh what a difficult dilemma for you. I must admit my own thoughts keep wavering as I read what you write. I guess there maybe is no obvious right answer. I think monte was really wise in suggesting a trial period on both sides if you do see the T again. That way you have the ability to walk away if it continues not to feel right for you.
I must admit the being late, sharing her own stuff, giggling, huggy chatty etc does ring a few alarm bells for me. She might though have been wanting to put you at ease on your first session, but it still seems a bit unusual. I guess I am worried about you being hurt Beebers.
The age thing is difficult too - age in itself is not so important, but it's the maturity that is needed isn't it?
Beebers I must say I warmed to your H's idea, if you were in agreement and weren't doing it because you felt pressurised into doing that. You are right about the mind/body connecton and about the link with derpression being helped by exercise. Don't be embarrased if you do go through with it (maybe another trial is in order?!) the trainer will be used to all personalities, shapes, sizes and abilities - they'll just think you're brave for talking that step. But you might need to share just a little of your stuff so the trainer can adapt a programme that's right for you and your needs.
Do let us know what you decide, meanwhile sending massivest hug (((((((((((feathery one))))))))))))))
starfishy
quote:...I will be horribly embarrassed if I go through with it, but as they say, no pain no gain. I hate the thought of it. But it might be the ticket to just make me get me moving, at least?
Too much of a novice to comment on therapy and therapists but having been out of shape, in shape, out of shape, wash, rinse, repeat, I can tell you this:
There is nobody more admired and respected in a gym than somebody who is out of shape working hard to get in shape. There is an almost reverence and sense of "let's take care of this one" directed towards those folks who are putting that first foot forward to find better physical health.
Please, if you go the trainer route, do not be embarrassed. Celebrate the first step because it's a safe bet that everybody working out around you will be silently cheering you on.
The exercise thing sounds like it might be something to try. But with the T - is it possible her relaxed manner was an attempt to put you at ease rather than an indication she is really too informal, boundariless etc?
(((BB)))
So glad you H is being supportive of you. That's really nice. Working out can make you feel good. Just my opinion on that T you saw. Since you are shopping for a new T or may be shopping for a new T, you might as well hold out for a really good one. IMHO, there were too many red flags with this woman that you saw to stop here. You know what they are, you've already pointed them out to us. Take advantage of NOT being really attached to anyone yet. Then again, if you decide to go back to her, just forget everything I've said.
Hugs,
Liese
P.S. Sorry you are missing old T so much. Wish I could wave my magic wand and take away your pain.
So glad you H is being supportive of you. That's really nice. Working out can make you feel good. Just my opinion on that T you saw. Since you are shopping for a new T or may be shopping for a new T, you might as well hold out for a really good one. IMHO, there were too many red flags with this woman that you saw to stop here. You know what they are, you've already pointed them out to us. Take advantage of NOT being really attached to anyone yet. Then again, if you decide to go back to her, just forget everything I've said.
Hugs,
Liese
P.S. Sorry you are missing old T so much.
Wish I could wave my magic wand and take away your pain.
Thank you starfishy, hemlock, Monte, Kashley stoppers Liese R2G and Frosty..thank you everyone.
Blackbird,
Reading your posts left me thinking more about getting back into moving my body. I am severely out of shape, unless the shape I'm aiming for is Far Side cow, so yesterday I just made up my mind to move. Even if only a few minutes. I ended up "moving" for 20 minutes. Today I went out again, this time for 30 minutes which probably will be my max for the next several days.
It has made a very slight impression in the gravity of my agitation and depression but given how deep it is, I'm hoping every wee smidgeon will count for something.
So, all these words to encourage you when you're ready because your words encouraged me.
Reading your posts left me thinking more about getting back into moving my body. I am severely out of shape, unless the shape I'm aiming for is Far Side cow, so yesterday I just made up my mind to move. Even if only a few minutes. I ended up "moving" for 20 minutes. Today I went out again, this time for 30 minutes which probably will be my max for the next several days.
It has made a very slight impression in the gravity of my agitation and depression but given how deep it is, I'm hoping every wee smidgeon will count for something.
So, all these words to encourage you when you're ready because your words encouraged me.
Thank you so much for the encouragement and sharing hemlock! You really made my day. I'm glad that my idea gave you a spark. Let me know how it is going! So proud of you! Cause I *know* how hard it is to make yourself do that. I think over time it will make a big difference.
hugs,
BB
hugs,
BB
I hope you're doing okay, Beebs..
thanks for asking, Kashley...I am surviving! I still miss my T so much. It would be right about now that he would have sent that email response he promised me, and every day I check my inbox, thinking maybe he will relent and respond to it as he said he would. I'm not even sure when I should give up hope of getting a response. He could just all of a sudden find time and decide to send one. He said he would. I wish I could forget about T, stop hoping, and get unstuck. It feels just like if my own father has rejected me and left me to fend for myself, even though I am the one who said I need to break. I need to get a grip on life again somehow.
BB
BB
((((bb))))
thanks jd for the hugs, sweetie. how are you doin'? I'm thinking of you.
Beebs,
I believe you will get a response any day. I am guessing that he has thought about you and wanted to reply, but is also giving you some space and giving you the break you asked for. I admire your strength for taking a break. I know it wasn't an easy decision, but I think you are doing what is best for you.
I believe you will get a response any day. I am guessing that he has thought about you and wanted to reply, but is also giving you some space and giving you the break you asked for. I admire your strength for taking a break. I know it wasn't an easy decision, but I think you are doing what is best for you.
((((BB)))) I wasn't able to catch up on this whole thread since my absence, but I did want to know I have been thinking about you during your break from T. Glad you are still searching for the right solution for you and I'm praying that the right path becomes apparent.
Thanks LG, thanks Yaku...my H says he believes that my T will respond to my email at some point too...but I am just not so sure. i think he has gratefully, forgotten me, or that I never really mattered to him in the first place. I think I perplexed and disgusted or irritated him with my confusion and neediness. I am still not sure where to go from here. I miss him. I wish I could just contact him and get back on track with him again. I guess that would not be smart, though.
yarg..I'm deleting a couple posts because I can't stand to see my name poking out there...PAD attack!
yarg..I'm deleting a couple posts because I can't stand to see my name poking out there...PAD attack!
Beebs, just wanted to point out that if he does not respond to your heartfelt email it is because of who HE is not who you are or anything that you did. If he does not respond then he is an uncompassionate coward who is afraid of emotion and the honest truth.
You were courageous enough to put it all out there and to propose this break so you could take care of you. You are the stronger one as I see it.
Sorry you are still in so much pain. I know how that feels and would never wish it on anyone.
TN
You were courageous enough to put it all out there and to propose this break so you could take care of you. You are the stronger one as I see it.
Sorry you are still in so much pain. I know how that feels and would never wish it on anyone.
TN
Beebs,
I really have a difficult time believing that your T has forgotten you. I truly think he is respecting your wish for a break.
I really have a difficult time believing that your T has forgotten you. I truly think he is respecting your wish for a break.
Thanks TN and Thanks LG. I'm confused about why he would say, just after I had sent this email proposing my break from therapy, and all of my very questioning of him, and his methods in this email, I really laid it all out there- why he would say that he would not have time to respond to "such a comprehensive and thoughtful email" for 3 weeks, since he was booked solid and had a conference to attend...He could have just used the time he would have scheduled my session in for, to respond to my email since I told him I would pay for a response- unless he was thinking of putting me on an enforced break from therapy, anyway- clearly he has a busy schedule, maybe he just was not going to tell me, but wouldn't be able to schedule me in all summer anyway. sheesh. I mean clearly this break was not my choice anyway, or wouldn't have been- do you know what I mean? And then to hold out to me that he would reply in three weeks...and then never actually do it, but leave me twisting in the breeze here, waiting to see if there *might* possibly still be a chance to salvage my therapy with him...reinforces my original reason for needing a break from therapy in the first place- his lack of consistency in responding to me, or his constant "partial reinforcement" of my needs, that mouse-and-cheese thing Jones was telling me about. I can only think that it's more of the same...he's throwing a promise out there and (maybe?) never meeting it, even though I told him I would *pay* for a response to my final email, just as I would have paid for a session. It just feels like he has done everything in his power just *perfectly* to retain *all* the power in the relationship, and to keep me also hooked to him, hoping and waiting, wishing- without ever really responding to me. I can't understand why he would do such things. I think...maybe be knew I need to stay attached, so maybe it was purposeful...maybe he doesn't give a flip, maybe he is incompetent, maybe he is brilliant! sheesh. 
I told him I would *pay* him for his time- as per our (eventual) agreement, and what he stated- that I should request a paid response on email correspondences. I did just that. He knows that this kind of stuff is why I had to take a break in the first place, so he's either avoiding on purpose, or he just, seriously and entirely forgets I exist.
I told him I would *pay* him for his time- as per our (eventual) agreement, and what he stated- that I should request a paid response on email correspondences. I did just that. He knows that this kind of stuff is why I had to take a break in the first place, so he's either avoiding on purpose, or he just, seriously and entirely forgets I exist.
(((((Beebs)))),
I think it is entirely possibly that yes, he needed a break as well. Perhaps he is realizing that he was not meeting your needs, that he was losing ground as an effective therapist, etc. Maybe he needs those 3 weeks to work through his own feelings before he is able to respond to your email with the defensiveness that a therapist needs to work through before responding.
Or perhaps it is something else entirely. We could speculate on all of the reasons why he hasn't replied, why he asked for three weeks to reply, etc. but I don't think that we will ever fully understand his reasons.
I do think, however, that it does not have anything to do with his level of care or concern for you. I don't think he is not replying as a means of demonstrating power over you or to regain the control of the relationship. I also do not think he has forgotten that you exist. I'm sure it feels that way to you though because you don't have contact with him anymore, but we are not in our therapists minds...we don't see how often they think of us. We are only able to gauge it by their interactions with us, so of course you are going to feel this way when there is no interaction. But I promise you, he has not forgotten you. People don't forget others that quickly. Have you ever forgotten someone so quickly? Ever?
I am wondering if perhaps it would help you if you sent him a follow up email in a few days if you have not heard from him, and kept the email very simply....something along the lines of, "I was wondering if you would have an opportunity to reply to my email sometime this week?" I feel like perhaps he will be able to help calm some of these feelings of being forgotten if you reached out to him and asked for contact.
I think it is entirely possibly that yes, he needed a break as well. Perhaps he is realizing that he was not meeting your needs, that he was losing ground as an effective therapist, etc. Maybe he needs those 3 weeks to work through his own feelings before he is able to respond to your email with the defensiveness that a therapist needs to work through before responding.
Or perhaps it is something else entirely. We could speculate on all of the reasons why he hasn't replied, why he asked for three weeks to reply, etc. but I don't think that we will ever fully understand his reasons.
I do think, however, that it does not have anything to do with his level of care or concern for you. I don't think he is not replying as a means of demonstrating power over you or to regain the control of the relationship. I also do not think he has forgotten that you exist. I'm sure it feels that way to you though because you don't have contact with him anymore, but we are not in our therapists minds...we don't see how often they think of us. We are only able to gauge it by their interactions with us, so of course you are going to feel this way when there is no interaction. But I promise you, he has not forgotten you. People don't forget others that quickly. Have you ever forgotten someone so quickly? Ever?
I am wondering if perhaps it would help you if you sent him a follow up email in a few days if you have not heard from him, and kept the email very simply....something along the lines of, "I was wondering if you would have an opportunity to reply to my email sometime this week?" I feel like perhaps he will be able to help calm some of these feelings of being forgotten if you reached out to him and asked for contact.
I agree, BB, that it seems like he could have used your scheduled time to respond to your email... Although I don't agree with this method, I think that he might be using this whole 3 week thing as a way to give you space and time to think before he imposes his reply on you. He might think it's like giving you a 'clean break' for a while with no contact from him so that you can think things through. I don't agree with the way he went about it, and I could also be completely wrong, but it seems possible to me.
I can see that it might be some sort of power play, because he *is* retaining all of the power in the relationship when that's exactly the opposite of how it should be. But I can also see it as him just totally lacking insight into the experiences of other people (a little ironic considering his profession, don't ya think??). He might think he's doing something beneficial to you but he's totally unable to put himself in your shoes and see how his actions come across. It's as if, when he doesn't have verbal feedback on his actions he's just fumbling around in the dark (although he may think it's educated) to do what he thinks is beneficial to you.
I could be totally and completely off, but I'm just speculating here. Thanks for posting your thoughts, BB.
Although I don't agree with this method, I think that he might be using this whole 3 week thing as a way to give you space and time to think before he imposes his reply on you. He might think it's like giving you a 'clean break' for a while with no contact from him so that you can think things through. I don't agree with the way he went about it, and I could also be completely wrong, but it seems possible to me.I can see that it might be some sort of power play, because he *is* retaining all of the power in the relationship when that's exactly the opposite of how it should be. But I can also see it as him just totally lacking insight into the experiences of other people (a little ironic considering his profession, don't ya think??). He might think he's doing something beneficial to you but he's totally unable to put himself in your shoes and see how his actions come across. It's as if, when he doesn't have verbal feedback on his actions he's just fumbling around in the dark (although he may think it's educated) to do what he thinks is beneficial to you.
I could be totally and completely off, but I'm just speculating here. Thanks for posting your thoughts, BB.
quote:I don't think he is not replying as a means of demonstrating power over you or to regain the control of the relationship. I also do not think he has forgotten that you exist. I'm sure it feels that way to you though because you don't have contact with him anymore, but we are not in our therapists minds...we don't see how often they think of us. We are only able to gauge it by their interactions with us, so of course you are going to feel this way when there is no interaction. But I promise you, he has not forgotten you.
Thank you LG- Maybe what I mean is that...in his therapisty way, he could *like* to forget about me...i.e., not be at all emotionally involved, have no emotional reaction of his own to me and my failed treatment- which is what as a therapist he is supposed to do, but it just hurts. I'm really, really hurt that he would promise to respond and then not do so. I'm hurt that he would do that to himslef as a therapist,, because, even if it is just forgetfulness, it is unprofessional. If it is purposeful, and he needs a break from me, or thinks it is best that he not respond due to the content of my eamil- then he should openly communicate that to me. Maybe he is "proving me right" in the things I said in the letter by not responding- so that I will have no choice but to stay away. If that's tru- and I'll never know unless *he actually responds* -then it's a really avoidant way of terminating me. That hurts too, worse than anything. I wanted him to never give up on me, and if he hasn't given up on me then this is a pretty strange way to communicate that to me, especially after the things that I addressed in my letter to him. He's a pretty smart guy. Like *really* smart. I think he knows a hopeless case when he sees one.
quote:But I can also see it as him just totally lacking insight into the experiences of other people (a little ironic considering his profession, don't ya think??). He might think he's doing something beneficial to you but he's totally unable to put himself in your shoes and see how his actions come across. It's as if, when he doesn't have verbal feedback on his actions he's just fumbling around in the dark (although he may think it's educated) to do what he thinks is beneficial to you.
Kashley, thank you- I actually think you nailed it here...and also I think he thinks it is "beneficial" to me to leave me twisting in the breeze, because he probably wants me to move on and be less dependent on him, or find something/someone else, turn to my husband, (don't get me wrong, turning to my H would be good if I could do it consistently) or some other such thing. Or maybe he just couldn't care less about how much he hurt me as long as his professional status and self-concept stays intact, idk- However, and again...if that's the case I wanted himn to clearly communicated it to me. But the reality is that he has avoided communicating clearly with me, kept his cards hidden all the time in reagards to me, my treatment, what he thought of me, what to do...he was always just kinda "there." Because, he has no thoughts or opinion at all about my existence on this planet. I could come to him if I wanted to if not, that was totally fine too, he didn't care or have any opinion at all about me, or my relationship to him. I don't think Dr. Avoidant thinks about me or remembers me at all, amongst his many real-time clients, phone clients, and conferences and speaking engagements, etc, etc.. and I think...why should I trust anybody, anymore? If somebody in that much emotional power over me tells me that it is really imporatnt that I trust them, that I learn to let their care in...that I communicate my needs honestly to them, that I tell them clearly when things are not working, in order to help guide them...and even, yes, that it is ok to depend for awhile and that it is the relationship that will heal me, all those things- and I try my utmost best, I *did* try.. and *still* get treated like this...by somebody like *him* no less, who really is good, really solid, truly- he's a really good person, and a smart person who "get's it" - that's been demonstrated over and over again, by many of the things he said and things he taught me about- I'm not just saying that, he *is* then...there is something clearly deeply, deeply flawed in me. I feel completely unfixable, just bad.
Thanks for your replies even though I can't really take them in, I do want to get rid of the self-hate if I can. I'd like to be able to turn to my husband for support instead of feeling so toxic that I avoid him as much as possible, or turn to a bottle to numb it all out.
On the positive my SD was really nice to me, sent me a really kind thank you email for a going away gift and letter I gave him, so that has picked me up and I feel better for a little while.
I am really sorry to all reading that I am not posting much on other's threads, I just am afraid that I am in one of my insensitive funks and will say all the wrong things and hurt people or drive them away even without meaning to. I know it's not true biot it feels that way really stron, so I can't post much now.
but, sending care and thoughts to all of you, and am trying to keep up with what is happening for each of you, as I can, and when my H doesn't flip when I spend time on here. oh, and sorry this is so long.