Hi Everyone,

I decided to write this morning because I survived yesterday and used my DBT skills to help myself. However, I did lose ½ a day to my emotions since not hearing from my therapist who I recently returned to after he sent me to another therapist essentially because I was too much and he did not think he could help me until I worked through something else with a colleague.

I have not heard from him since last Wednesday’s session. After the session at his request, I emailed him a copy of the DBT diary card I made for myself (he liked it). In the email I asked him to let me know his availability to schedule because I will be away part of next week and he books up quickly. I did not hear from him even about the appointments.

On Sunday, after some significant challenges with my mom and brother at Grand Canyon, I sent a short email to him about what was happening and again I asked him to let me know about appointments.

Yesterday afternoon, I texted him only about setting up the appointments, suggesting that maybe he did not receive my emails. In my heart I know that’s baloney. I’ve had thoughts that he’s had a great and terrible tragedy in his life and that’s why he isn’t responding. I feel so sad about that.

I am still struggling a lot because I think I am going to have to leave this T. Being in wise mind, I know that his not responding between sessions is not me. I do not worry that he is singling me out and doesn’t like me or care about me. I do wonder if his not responding is an effort (completely inappropriate and ineffective) to be therapeutic. I wonder if he reacts to me like I am one of those people who is always dramatic and therefore he ignores me so as to not buy into the drama. I do feel like I am being punished. I realize those thoughts are my emotional mind. That is not me. However, if my therapist cannot respond to my need for outside contact or if he continues to deny or ignore my need for outside contact then I think it’s making it worse, just like the T who abandoned me after avoiding transference. I know my T cares for me like he cares for any other client. I know that if I am no longer his client I will no longer have a relationship with him. I get all of that and I can handle it again (more than tears just thinking about it- think about dying). However, I can’t deal with this anxiety between sessions when I actually need something (like setting up appointments). Maybe that is not the kind of therapist he his. Maybe he does not want to have to deal with anything outside of a session.

I start to assert myself but I do not follow through. We have not discussed out of session contact "rules.” I do not have clear boundaries and explanations for them. If he does have a no contact rule then he is not the therapist for me. I sometimes need to feel connected outside of the session. I did that with the T he sent me to and we checked in on Sundays for while. Then I didn’t need it.

It’s like I’m afraid of my T and I have to take what I can get to have anything (like sex or nothing to be loved). It’s obvious that I have an attachment injury from childhood.

On top of that, I’m dealing with my son's birthday. It’s tomorrow. This will be the fourth birthday since he died at 20. It’s been a very hard week. I’ve even gone back and looked at his obituary and guest book. I keep wondering if any of his friends even remember him.

I’ve used as many DBT skills as I could and am in a much better frame of mind this morning. But sometimes you just need to be “held.” Is it too much to expect that my therapist might not exacerbate the situation by ignoring me? Just because I’m using DBT does not mean that I don’t need true emotional support. I’ve actually had the thought that I might be instigating something between him and the T he sent me to (who I emailed this morning and I expect she will not respond as to not interfere with the current therapeutic relationship.) That’s the person I’m afraid I am. I've always been afraid I'm this horrible, instigating faker.

I want this to work with T because I want to get through this the pattern of being too much in a relationship and having unrealistic expectations and pushing people away, idolizing them and then hating them or being hurt by them.

I am really scared again and I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to reach out to him again. I assume I’ll just show up at my session on Saturday and the - - - - will hit the fan. As clear as my mind is my body is having a visceral reaction to losing another relationship. I don’t know what to do.