Why do we give them so much power?

mtfMember

I've been so distraught lately with everyone's traumas here on the boards.

I know it's scary for all of us. It's amazing to see the strength in each person though as they struggle through their pain and keep pushing forward rather than staying stuck in a hole. I'm encouraged by the support everyone gives each other, as it makes it such a great place to come to, knowing that there are others 'out there' that understand the pain, or at least the potential pain, that is being experienced. This place can be both a comfort zone and a minefield.

Of course all of this can't help but kick up a bunch of fear for those of us that aren't going through the hell ourselves. I've been terrified since day one with my T of telling her about my attachment issues because I sensed she wouldn't accept me if she knew all the details. Once I developed my attachment to her I developed even greater fear of telling her about that because it was focused on her and what would the ramifications of such a disclosure be? Termination? Transfer? At the very least, a major strain on our relationship with her distancing herself and giving me some big 'talk' about boundaries, etc. It's taken me a long time to work out attachment stuff with my T and I'm still working at it, but things are slowly getting chipped away at bit by bit. It's a tedious and painful process. Throw in some serious ruminating/obsessive thoughts about the T, fears of abandonment/rejection, avoidance on the part of the T, medications not working, and a really crappy life situation on top of it all and you've got a big mess.

My attachment is severe. In the beginning I couldn't think of anything BUT my T. It was a 24/7 preoccupation with her that I really could not control.

Scared me a lot!! I'm on medication now that helps quite a bit, plus I think that the more willing my T has become to working through the attachment issues, the less severe the obsessive thoughts are. This attachment makes the relationship difficult. My T can find herself on my black list over the smallest and most harmless things. But if she does something significant?

I spin on it non-stop. I was in a non-stop spin for 2 weeks over a negative comment she made about herself just a few sessions ago. My life literally was 'on hold' for those 2 weeks. I couldn't do much else besides worry about what my T meant by her remark, what it meant about her, about me, about our relationship, etc. I was consumed by this. This wasn't the first time this has happened. In fact, it's more frequent an issue than I care to admit. But when I told my T about this she said something to me that keeps coming back to me. She told me that I have to stop giving her my power and living at her mercy--that it is self-destructive to do so.

As I keep pondering the issues that have gone on in peoples' lives here on the board, I keep wondering to myself: Why do we give them so much power? Why do we put them on the proverbial pedestal? Why do we allow our Ts to be so important to us, even so much so that our lives can be shattered by them? We live in fear of losing their care for us, we long for them to love us, wish we could truly know them, be a part of their lives. Why? Who are these people, really? Do we truly know them enough to actually want all of this from them? Can having what we want truly help us heal? I'm really starting to feel that my T isn't anyone. Sure, she's a woman I pay to listen to me, to give me counsel and advice, to help me see things objectively, to look at the pieces of the puzzle and help me put them back together correctly. But can SHE heal me? Can she give me back what I lost in childhood? Can she really meet my needs in the present moment? Is it her responsibility to do so? How much stress can one person take from another before they crack, and say "enough is enough"?

I'm starting to believe I've put my hope and faith for healing into the wrong hands. No human can heal me, not without God's power aiding them. My T can direct me for good, she can advise me on things, can see issues I can't and will handle them objectively. But I've got to stop giving her power that isn't rightly hers, always living at her mercy. She doesn't even know that I'm doing this either unless I make it known to her. And when I do, she feels awful!! How would it feel to know that someone you care about whom you are trying to help has put their life and their healing completely in your hands? To make their pain go away, to help them feel better about themselves, to fix them, to heal their wounds, to listen to all of their 'stuff' no matter how painful? To be there to listen objectively and have to tell them things that you know will be painful to hear, to have to try to maintain firm boundaries when it would be easier not to? To know that one day you will have to say goodbye to that person and like them also lose that connection and relationship so you must protect yourself somehow?

This whole relationship is so unnatural, somehow feels so wrong. I often wonder if I had known what I was going to go through with my T--if I had truly known how much my attachment to her would totally turn my life upside down--if I would have ever entered therapy at all. I feel sometimes like I have wasted nearly an entire year of my life because of this attachment. Because I have given my power to my therapist. I have allowed the attachment to cripple me, allowed it to put me in a position where I feel like I can't function without my T's acceptance, without her unconditional positive regard, without feeling like everything between us is in harmony. I only see her once every two weeks, and in the interim my life is practically at a standstill. What about my family? My husband and three boys? My house that has become a total disaster? My depression has gotten worse, my anxiety increased, my self-esteem fallen further down the scale--all because I need/want something I can't/will never have from someone I don't really even know and never really will know. So much is riding on a 'therapeutic' relationship that so far has been anything BUT therapeutic. Things ARE getting better, I AM feeling less obsessive, I AM feeling more accepted, I AM starting to see this relationship more realistically, but it has taken me almost an entire year as well as watching/reading the therapeutic relationships of others on this forum either hurt like hell but still grow, slowly fall apart or simply suddenly drop dead. It has been a real learning experience for me, to say the least.

But I still wonder why we give them so much of our personal power? How can we keep ourselves from doing it and ultimately stop the hellish pain we put ourselves through in doing so? Is it even possible, or are we just condemned from the start, no matter what?

One day I love my T, the next day I'm not sure I even like her. I want to get off the attachment roller coaster and just get back to 'normal'--whatever that is.

MTF

9/1/1012:18 PM

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halsMember

More Than Fine...I can't speak for anyone else on this board, but your comment was so thought provoking for me and the exact place that I am at. I have been struggling with this very thing, not just with my T, but with quite frankly many people in my life. For me, I'm starting to see that if I take that power back, if I admit that only I have the power to heal, then I'm faced with the certain reality that I am also responsible to take the necessary steps to facilitate that process. I am then faced with the responsibility to quickly admit when I am allowing myself to wallow or when I am sliding off the back side of the mountain waiting for someone to rescue me. My T has always said, why does it matter why? I find myself asking, "why did this have to happen or why do I always do that or why, why, why.....". That is when he reminds me that although it is important to have a certain understanding of the why, why does it matter. He encourages me to accept the why, ponder it for a bit, but then to figure out the "how" sooner rather than later. For me, this has helped me get to a point in therapy where I am seeing that when I rely on him for an answer, or when I rely on this one or that one for advice on what to do, I am giving them power that rightly belongs to me and in doing so, I am also giving them responsibility for myself that I need to take over. I need to be responsible for the life I create for myself and the decisions I make. That is a damn scary thing for someone who has given that power to others for much of my life. That sometimes gives me anxiety over and above any trauma I have experienced. I have found that as I continue to get better and to heal and to enjoy some of the freedoms that therapy has afforded me, with that freedom comes great responsibility and the reality that I am responsible for ME.

That is where I am at and thank you More Than Fine for your post. Incredibely thought provoking....

9/1/101:04 PM

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strummergirlMember

What a great question, MTF!!! This is huge. In fact, this reminds me of my favorite high school teacher, who would rate how "good" a math problem was by how long he drew out the "oo" in "good". So if I may borrow his scale, this is a goooooooooooooooooood question.

But there is no way I can talk about this without bringing God into it...so I'm glad to see you mentioned God.

This is something I've wondered about all through therapy. As I started considering, doing, and reading about therapy, I thought it sounded like a "dangerous proposition" to give that much power over to another human being.

There are two things that have influenced me about that and I want to explain them (sorry but this is going to get long...I hope it makes some sense!).

One reason has to do with my history of participation in a 12-step program from about age 20 on (I'm 40 now). The whole idea of "power" is a big part of those programs, where one first admits "powerlessness" over the disease in the first step, and chooses to trust in a "higher power" in the second and third steps. Now I've heard many people protest at the idea of "powerlessness" because it sounds like a cop-out. But what you find out if you work the rest of the steps is that you get your power back!! In other words, it's (among many other things) an exercise in redirecting our energy from the things we can't change, to the things we can. The "powerlessness" admitted in step one was a fact all along...it's not a giving up of power, but a giving up of railing against the fact that I never had any power over it in the first place. Or another way of saying it could be, the way I've been going about it is all wrong - trying to change what I can't, instead of what I can (which is why the Serenity Prayer is so important).

The second step is where we "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity". The third step is "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him". I was not a Christian then, so I got stuck on these two for a while. I had to hear about a hundred thousand times that step 2 is where we "came to believe" that it could happen, we were willing to believe it could happen, and step 3 is where we turned it over to whatever power we did understand. That's it. Not a deep understanding of theology, no membership in any church, just a beginning that started with an openness to where I was at right then and an admission that I certainly needed some help.

So it didn't matter what or who our HP was, so long as we had one. And with one extremely important caveat: it could not be a person.

Years later now I am a Christian. And this is the other reason I think about your point a lot. I won't go into the details of how I became a Christian, but all I can say is that my ideas of HP have changed over time and through circumstances. And they've changed a LOT even since becoming a Christian.

One thing that has become more and more uncomfortable for me in the Christian faith is the idea that we only know and love God to the extent that we know and love other people. And I'm all into worshipping and music and reading theology...but I really suck at connecting with other people. So more and more this unease has been building...how authentic is my faith if I can't connect with the people God made?

So I have to work out why I have a hard time connecting with people. And the only way to do that is to try connecting with people and see what happens (and NOT running and hiding in the bathroom after church, which is what I often want to do

). Like AG has said so many times, we can only know ourselves through relationship. A friend of mine once told me that other people, especially trying ones, could be called "holy sandpaper" in shaping us.

So in therapy, I was hoping to find out who I REALLY am in relationships...despite who I'd like to think I am...with the ultimate purpose of changing what doesn't work.

Trusting a T IS a dangerous proposition...if I give them the power of God or HP. And I made that mistake with my ex-BF, and again with my former T. But I think you hit the idea right on the head, MTF, the idea is to keep God (or our higher power) ABOVE the T. And I have an EXTREMELY hard time doing that...but that is one of the very problems I need to work on so I can actually HAVE relationships with people (particularly MALE people) that don't crash and burn. And as I can keep God/HP in his right place, and as I get better at connecting with people, I'm hoping to get to know and love both better as time goes on, and close that gap.

MTF I'm so glad you asked this question...thank you!

It sounds like you are in a really important place in your therapy. I just loved your whole post. What you said really helped me too, I really needed to hear it.

I've been thinking I've really gotten kind of "lost" and far away from my "HP" through going to therapy, and that I need to put it back in perspective while STILL doing therapy. I've been really stressing out, too, over all the pain on the board with T's letting so many down, and thinking again about my former T...but you hit such an important point, that ultimately everyone will let us down eventually. That is really one of the biggest lessons any of us have to come to grips with, isn't it? I really don't know what the answer would be, other than to start building one's own idea of a higher power, right exactly from where one is at the moment, and then being open to having that change as time and circumstances go on. As long as it's not a person...not even a really great T.

Peace,
SG

9/1/104:09 PM

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jillMember

beautiful stuff, mtf. i really enjoy what everyone had to say here, and it is so true. the gift of 'ourself' is undoubtedly going to be rejected to our adult eyes. there is hardly any way it can't be, the task of filling what was missing in childhood can't be achieved now! it IS too late. so the 'radical acceptance' a dbt term i am trying to embrace, of that reality is a step we all, i presume, have to make.

the summer was a bit of a dry spell, my three bible studies were on break for the summer, and i got hyper involved in this site, in therapy with t3, and my faith has just been a sunday morning faith. but, i just love what you all have said, and know that our utter reliance, for me, anyway, has to be on God, and on the faith that my journey went this way for His good reason. accept it, radically accept it, and cling to Him, as HE will never abandon us!

my bible studies are starting up again, and i pray for the passion to burn as brightly as it did last spring, and thanks friends for the beautiful insight. i feel warmer already. if anyone is interested, my favorite study is called BSF, bible study fellowship, and is in most cities in the usa, interdenominational, and spectacular. you can google it for a location near you. really inspiring and full of kind souls, many unique journeys, a trusting environment and so inspirational...i don't think i ever had a bad day on those days i went to bsf...

God is my attachment figure. a t will be a tool, an advisor, a tutor in these dbt skills, but i can talk to God every day,

y'all are great.

anytime i think i need to put my time in elsewhere and drop this site (all or nothing thinking) i gain such a great truth.

thanks all for these beautiful thoughts, they warm my soul.

hugs and prayers to you all. jill

9/1/105:32 PM

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forlornMember

Wow MTF, good topic here.

Especially since this is an issue I swirl around and around with myself.

quote:
The gift of us. Here is my heart and soul...can you please water it, fertilise it, nurture it, grow it, prune it...just TEND to it. By giving them ‘us’, we give them a crap load of power.

Yes, this explains me exactly. When I found therapy, I found someone who for the first time since I can remember, made me feel sooooo important. This person cares, I told myself, yep. This person wants me to grow and wants to teach me things, yep. And the will be so proud of me, yep. My T is going to feel good about helping me into this better life, yep. My Mom is going to love me too, aw crap, wait, I meant My T, My T is going to love.... no no no wait, My T is going to like? Aw crap, no that's not right, is it? I didn't mean mom, I meant, well but maybe... Um okay, so it would be nice if T was mom cause then she'd listen all the time... wait um, sooo confused. Hellllloooooo Mr. Attachment, how are you?

I'm not sure why it happens, or why it happened to me, again. You'd think after experiencing T-Attachment once and having it fail, I would learn NOT to get attached again. So why did I? Hmmm Desperately seeking parental figures is what always comes to mind. And I don't necessarily mean that in a parent-bashing way. I just realized I've been wanting something and trying to place what it is. So when we're kids, we give our parents power. We don't know any better than to do this. We don't see them as humans or as flawed. And we put our worlds in their hands. And sometimes it goes terribly wrong cause parents are humans. So we look for better humans than our parents. We see them on tv and in movies. Happy smiling faces, we want that. That connection to another person who gently kisses us goodnight, reads to us, takes care of boo boos, and eventually sends us off to college.

But when that doesn't happen we are told to grow up and deal with it. Sure sure, you can mourn what you didn't have, but then get right back to work and be an adult ya crybaby.

That's where my attachment comes from. I don't want to mourn. Not ready to give up. There must be someone... but nope, there isn't. So then I found therapy and that person "seemed" an awful lot like what I was looking for. And then came all the weird confusion cause I would probably do 100 cartwheels if I could ever have mom-love. Real mom-love. So therapy has been seen (for me) as the closest thing to it (and that's sad really)

I've given serious thought into why there is nothing for the childhoodless person. How does one who missed some key component of growth then just accept it and move on with life? But what would be the answer. Cause no, no one is willing to nurture and tend to another person unless they are their own son or daughter or still a child. Orphaned children are adopted by caring parents wanting to share their love and grow their families (ideally) But orphaned adults are just people with problems. No one will come to me and say, Forlorn you seem nice, would you like to join my family and share in the holidays and knit together, go shopping and garden? That's completely unheard of. Cause who in their right mind would adopt a grownup into their family? And why is there something so wrong with that? Why is there something so wrong with wanting to belong. I guess cause I never will.

Cause regular people can take in a child because they still have some influence over how they turn out. Adults are already whatever they were going to be so the only people able to stand how they turned out are therapists?

thought-provoking topic MTF (even if I did sort go off on a weird incoherent ramble)

9/1/106:22 PM

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jillMember

yall inspired me to do my bible study lesson for the week, and that warm place in my soul is feeling so much better. why do i neglect God? why do i look to humanity to fulfill what only He was designed to fulfill...that 'God-shaped hole in all of our souls".

still a bit drugged, but warm and woozy with God.

jill

9/1/107:29 PM

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blackbirdMember

Oh, there you are, MTF! I was wondering how things were going with you. This is a very timely topic for me. I need to read what all of you have written here, and ponder as this is where I am stuck as well....I'll be back when I can...

Peace,

BB

9/5/101:10 PM

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Attachment GirlAdmin

quote:
Why do we give them so much power? Why do we put them on the proverbial pedestal? Why do we allow our Ts to be so important to us, even so much so that our lives can be shattered by them? We live in fear of losing their care for us, we long for them to love us, wish we could truly know them, be a part of their lives. Why? Who are these people, really?

Hi Guys,
I've been meaning to respond to this thread for quite some time. It's difficult because I find myself knowing truths (at least for myself) that I find incredibly difficult to put into words. But I'm going to give it a shot.

The quote above, why do we give them so much power? I want to address first. I honestly don't believe we give them the power, what we're doing is experiencing the memory of how powerless we were as children. The truth is that human beings when they're born are powerless, dependent creatures. The whole point of attachment behavior in the first place is to keep us close to the adults that we need to stay close to in order to survive. A very important part of what we should learn during childhood, and we learn it through being able to DEPEND on a stronger, wiser attachment figure (ok, for everyone here, we should have been able to learn but were denied it through the failure of our caretakers) was how to handle our emotions, understand our needs, how to get them met, and that we could come to depend on ourselves as well as others. Our worth is inherent in our being human, but we must learn of it and to trust it through another person's eyes. Our sense of worth and power always come from outside of ourselves.

When we aren't taught what we need to know and develop the necessary skills, we still grow up and many of us learn to mimic really well adult reactions and behaviors but we still still carry a bewildered, confused, longing child within us. A child that BELIEVES they are powerless because that's the only experience they ever had. When we enter therapy, we enter a relationship in which it can be about only our needs and these unmet needs and undeveloped skills come to the forefront. And what we need to learn is that we are NOT powerless, that we possess everything we need to live our lives fully, to reach out to others to get our needs met, to be in close intimate relationships without giving into all the terror that invokes. It's not that Ts take our power, have our power or even want our power. Actually I think one of my Ts main goals was always to have me realize my own power.

We blame therapy somehow for bringing out this horrible dependence, but I know the truth for me was that I experienced similar feelings in other relationships, my life was one long search. But instead of trying to meet needs that they can't, or promise what they cannot give, a good T holds their boundaries, so that all those feelings, including those of powerlessness, can be identified as ours, and can be understood. At the end of the work is I believe a reappropriation of our power. I know I now have a sense of own power that is unlike what I have felt for my whole life. I believe in my ability to face my feelings, to handle the things that occur in my life, I understand that I can ask others for help when I need it. There is now a deep sense of knowing what I can control, realizing that there's still a lot I can't but that I can come through anything that comes my way.

And interestingly this came from my T having the power. For so long when I didn't trust myself, he trusted me enough for both of us. My T has NEVER done anything for me that I was capable of doing for myself, but is there in a heartbeat with the things that I need from him that he can provide. His treating me this way taught me that I could be trusted. And because I saw him as SO powerful, I could trust his trust, if that makes sense. Until eventually, I learned that his trust in me was not misplaced, and it became also my own.

So part of what I'm trying to say is I do NOT think we choose to get attached to our Ts. We are driven by deep biologically driven developmental needs for an attachment figure. When someone in close as behavior as a therapist looms over the horizon, it's not really a choice, but a very predicitable reaction that we feel this way.

I want to agree with what other's have said. I do ultimately believe that the healing comes from God (my T has often spoken of being a conduit for a much higher source of infinite energy, that the healing flows through him but does not originate in him.) I know I was led to him by God (it's a long involved story but the way we found him made it pretty clear that this was an act of God) and that he was God's provision for my healing. So in that sense I didn't depend completely on my T. On the other hand, I really did depend on him to be there. I loved what STRM said, I didn't give him my power, I gave him my heart. And thank God, my therapist proved worthy of that trust. He did that by being very aware of his own humanness and limitations even when I did not see or believe them. (I had a bad case of idealization, and I don't think all of its gone, tough to get rid of all of it when I still experience him concentrated so wholly on my needs.)

And Forlorn, I wanted to address your sense of belonging. I really do understand as I had to grieve so much loss around those issues. Not having experienced a loving home, or even a sense of a home where I was welcomed. I finally achieved that in my relationship with my T. He IS home for me. That place where I know I'm welcomed and accepted completely for who I am, that who I am is valued and listened to and cared for. That barring any major disasters, or unforseen acts of God, he'll be there for me. And the wonderful thing about that is that I have learned the things from him that I needed to learn to move closer to other people. It took me a very long painful time, but I have finally learned that I have so many people in my life who love me, that I matter to and that I'm a part of. Yes, what I lost in childhood is still a loss, but that doesn't mean I have to live the rest of my life deprived. I really do view my attempting to leave therapy as my leaving home, I have grown up and it's time to try this on my own for awhile. I'm not ruling out moving back in at some point.

9/5/103:50 PM

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forlornMember

Wow AG, such wise words. Your story makes me want the same from my T relationship and hopefully I get it.

This has been a really good topic. Everyone's responses are very thoughtful and thought-provoking.

9/5/104:57 PM

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mtfMember

WOW!!

Thanks for all the responses you guys! I've read each of your posts and gained something from every one.

Hals:

quote:
For me, this has helped me get to a point in therapy where I am seeing that when I rely on him for an answer, or when I rely on this one or that one for advice on what to do, I am giving them power that rightly belongs to me and in doing so, I am also giving them responsibility for myself that I need to take over. I need to be responsible for the life I create for myself and the decisions I make. That is a damn scary thing for someone who has given that power to others for much of my life.

Thank you for this. I too have given my power to others for most of my life and need to take it back and own it for myself. Thank you for pointing that out.

Monte:

quote:
Here is my heart and soul...can you please water it, fertilise it, nurture it, grow it, prune it...just TEND to it. By giving them ‘us’, we give them a crap load of power.

I think this is what I fear. I have given her my heart and soul, as STRM talks about in her post. That is a lot to give someone, especially someone you know you're destined to lose.

quote:
The thing with allowing God his rightful place in our heart though is that it is not a walk in the park. It is not about immediate pleasure and comfort. There is great joy and peace and hope to be had, but it also means sacrifice and selflessness and humility. Worldly 'fillers' are so much more...umm...accessible? Quicker to gratify? Flexible? And let's not forget the BIG one. THEY ARE TANGIBLE!!! But God loves us and wants us with a fiery passion we cannot begin to comprehend, but the trade off is that we must bow to him. Obey him. Do things his way. Uggh...we revolt against such an idea...it's in our fallen human nature to rebel.

Yes, this is all so true. It's a constant struggle for me, even though I know I could find such peace and joy if I would just put my focus where it belongs.

quote:
It's all about perspective isn't it? Expectation. Are we expecting them to be really good Ts...or are we expecting them to do the supernatural stuff only God can do? How can they fill our soul with their clumsy, fallible wordly ways and means? And how crazy that we might expect them to!

Amen!!

Now could you just tell me how to STOP all of this expectations crap?!!

quote:
But my problems would be solved...simply by the act of re-focusing and burning with a desire to serve and please my Creator. I believe the past would cease to matter.

Well said, Monte. I agree with you 100%. (as usual

)

SG:

Glad you brought God into this. I have actually tried my hand at a 12-step program run by my church. It's terrific, but unfortunately I didn't keep at it. I started it before I started therapy and went because I thought I was co-dependent and wanted to help with that. Life got too crazy and so I quit going to the weekly meetings. Plus, to be honest, there was a LOT to do in those 12 steps, and I didn't really feel ready to commit to doing it all, although I really should as I know it would help me immensely. Maybe it was the adversary's way of keeping me from doing something that he knew would be of such tremendous healing and helping power that he did what he could to convince me that I just couldn't do it. I'm seriously thinking about giving it another shot.

quote:
One thing that has become more and more uncomfortable for me in the Christian faith is the idea that we only know and love God to the extent that we know and love other people. And I'm all into worshipping and music and reading theology...but I really suck at connecting with other people. So more and more this unease has been building...how authentic is my faith if I can't connect with the people God made?

Hmmm. This is interesting, SG. I'm not too good at connecting with other people myself. I too would rather hide in the bathroom after church.

I know this is something I'm hoping I can find some help with in therapy, and that is one of my T's goals is to help me with relationships. But yes, it's super important to keep people and God in their right places in order to get to know and love both better. I've always struggled with putting attachment figures in the place where my HP should be. It never works. Thanks for your perspective!

Jill:

Funny how easy it is to drop our faith when other worldly things call, isn't it? I know that's true for me, anyway, and it's really sad that it works like that.

quote:
HE will never abandon us!

Thank you for the reminder. It's such a comfort to know that, and I'm grateful for that one sure thing when there are so many uncertainties in life.

Forlorn:

quote:
That's where my attachment comes from. I don't want to mourn. Not ready to give up. There must be someone... but nope, there isn't. So then I found therapy and that person "seemed" an awful lot like what I was looking for.

Boy can I relate here. I have done this with many people, my T isn't the first. She is the hardest though because I have to talk about this with her, and that is so uncomfortable.

quote:
But orphaned adults are just people with problems. No one will come to me and say, Forlorn you seem nice, would you like to join my family and share in the holidays and knit together, go shopping and garden? That's completely unheard of. Cause who in their right mind would adopt a grownup into their family? And why is there something so wrong with that? Why is there something so wrong with wanting to belong.

This makes me sad.

It's that longing we have that drives us into these attachments. Hopefully through them we can find the healing we need to stop the cycle we're in and finally have some peace.

Hi BB!! Come back when you can. Look forward to what you have to say!

STRM:

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I believe that God led me to my current T. Without a doubt I believe there is a reason that we met. I haven't given her my power, because ultimately what we do and whether or not I participate in T is still up to me so in that sense I have my power. What I have given her is my heart. With that comes the risk that I will get hurt (again), but by trusting her with my heart and all of my flaws, I am able to experience true connection and attachment which is something that I have never before experienced. I believe that even though it is intense right now that it will be worked through and eventually I will "grow up" and be ready to spread my wings and leave the nest

I too feel like God led me to my T. That is why even though she has made her share of mistakes with me and isn't what some would call a 'good' T, I have stuck with her. And I love what you said about giving her your heart. It is frightening beyond belief! I don't think I have experienced this level of fear before--fear of being hurt--and that fear seems to keep me feeling powerless. Maybe that is what this is more about than giving my T my power. It is scary to risk so much of ourselves and having to put our trust in another human being, but yes, it does lead to true connection and attachment, and for those of us that haven't experienced that before, it is powerful and can be very healing. Thanks for the reminder that

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I am the one that is really going to have to do the work.

AG:

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We blame therapy somehow for bringing out this horrible dependence, but I know the truth for me was that I experienced similar feelings in other relationships, my life was one long search. But instead of trying to meet needs that they can't, or promise what they cannot give, a good T holds their boundaries, so that all those feelings, including those of powerlessness, can be identified as ours, and can be understood.

I hope you don't mind my bringing this up, but I've been really struggling lately with my T's offer of post-therapy lunch dates that she made many months ago. As I've read your thread about leaving therapy and many others, it really stands out to me, even here in this quote of yours above, that by holding out to me that offer as a way of 'saving' me from my fear of losing her she is really doing me a huge injustice. From what I'm understanding, she's sort of sparing me the feeling of powerlessness that comes with loss and in a way depriving me of the opportunity (although I don't think I would really call it that) of grieving a natural loss and having to deal with all that comes with that. Her offer also brings with it many other repercussions, many which I am sure I don't even have a clue about, and I'm really confused and anxious about the whole thing. It's ultimately my choice, but I'm struggling with it. I have a long time to think about it, but for some reason it's really been bothering me lately.

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I do ultimately believe that the healing comes from God (my T has often spoken of being a conduit for a much higher source of infinite energy, that the healing flows through him but does not originate in him.) I know I was led to him by God (it's a long involved story but the way we found him made it pretty clear that this was an act of God) and that he was God's provision for my healing. So in that sense I didn't depend completely on my T. On the other hand, I really did depend on him to be there. I loved what STRM said, I didn't give him my power, I gave him my heart. And thank God, my therapist proved worthy of that trust. He did that by being very aware of his own humanness and limitations even when I did not see or believe them. (I had a bad case of idealization, and I don't think all of its gone, tough to get rid of all of it when I still experience him concentrated so wholly on my needs.)

Interesting that you also feel like you were led to your T by God. And also interesting that you too have idealized your T. I have come to realize that idealization is where I start getting attached, or it's what leads me there anyway. It's hard to not get attached to someone with so many wonderful qualities, especially when they are focusing on you.

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And the wonderful thing about that is that I have learned the things from him that I needed to learn to move closer to other people. It took me a very long painful time, but I have finally learned that I have so many people in my life who love me, that I matter to and that I'm a part of. Yes, what I lost in childhood is still a loss, but that doesn't mean I have to live the rest of my life deprived.

This is something I'm hoping for--being able to learn how to move closer to other people. I'm so glad that you have had such success in your therapy AG. It makes my heart happy for you!

I know it's not going to be easy to walk away from your T, but you have such strength now, resourcefulness, and skills that you did not before. You have grown immeasurably and it really shows in your post here. Thanks for taking the time to post.

Thank you everyone for responding and adding your valuable insight and answers to my questions. I'm so truly grateful for this community and the wonderful people here that offer so much to others they don't even know. You guys are wonderful!!

MTF

9/5/109:43 PM

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blackbirdMember

I've also had the thought that if I could only place the amount of interest and trust and hope and desire for connection I have for my T onto God, than I would also be Mother Theresa II...and I think that is actually true for everyone. Mont, m'dear, you've said it again, thank God for you....MTF I only hope, that your T is able to grasp some of this stuff if you can put it out there for her, I know, I know, impossible to talk of, but we have to talk of it all, and how hard is that, but, well...my husband told me to have a drink or two before a session, now isn't that a really, really funny pice of advice? Sometimes, I am very tempted to TAKE that advice!

BB

9/6/106:42 PM

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True NorthCo-moderator

MTF I loved your original post and the questions you pose. It seems that everyone on here puts their faith into some higher power and allows that to be some type of answer to all of this. But what if you have no higher power or you cannot connect with one and struggle to believe anyone would allow such horrible things to happen to you and still be this all loving power? I find it hard to buy that.... sorry to the ones who believe.

About giving a T power.... I remember quite recently telling my T that I had stopped my researching on my issues because I felt he was more confident about things and I was feeling good. I also admitted to him that I had stopped thinking and worrying that he would leave me or abandon me. I told him I was at about 90% sure he would not leave me and it was getting closer to 100% although I felt that 100% would be impossible. But letting that worry go enabled me some space to do other things, to focus on other issues in therapy and it felt good. I also told him that in telling him all of this I was giving him an immense power to hurt me, even destroy me. Because now he knew I trusted him and how I felt about the relationship. I told him that I believed he would not use this power to hurt me.

Maybe two months later... I'm gone... dismissed from therapy... abandoned and hurt in the most horrendous and painful way.

I'm not saying this to scare anyone nor do I feel it happens all the time. But I guess I'm saying that NEVER AGAIN will I allow anyone any power over me in any way, nor will I ever give my heart to anyone so they can smash it. It's a good thing to keep your power and stay empowered even in your therapy.

So in answer, MTF... I have no idea why we give them so much power over us, except that we somehow believe they will treat us with kindess and care and somehow make all the old hurts better.

TN

9/6/107:01 PM

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forlornMember

I don't know how to not give my heart away. I tried after evil ex-T broke it and hurt me so bad.

I tried to resist and to keep my heart within, but it went off on its own. And here I sit venerable again.

9/7/1012:18 PM

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