quote:

I want so badly for everything to stop. I give up trying. I give up. I don't have it in me to try and keep failing.

Right where I am at this moment. (((incognito))) I'm sorry. Sometimes it seems like the blows are coming from all around and we don't even have time to brace for them. I wish there were more I could do. Can you take the appointment with T and try to take a chance on sharing the feelings you are having? Maybe bring it in on a piece of paper? It might help...

(((Incognito)))

I'm sorry. It certainly sounds like the saying, "When it rains, it pours" is fitting here.

It is interesting to me that when your doctor said therapy isn't working, you took that mean that you had failed. I interpreted it differently. I see it more as a reflection of your T rather than a comment about you.

I know how frustrating it is when meds are pushed on you when you dont' want them. I hope that you can find your voice and stand firm in your stance that you don't want to take them.

Hi incognito... as I see it your weight loss doctor triggered feelings of failure in you and because of that you also believe therapy is not working. May I suggest that your weight loss doctor is not the one to judge whether or not therapy is working for you. That is a conversation you need to have with your T. And it does not at ALL seem like your T is angry with you. He is not. He is working with you to find an appointment time that works for you because he WANTS to see you. There are many reasons why he did not address the feelings you are having via phone message. Neither of my T's would ever do that in a vm message. Always live on phone or in person. And perhaps he was just rushing and felt this topic deserved more time.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much and feel in so much pain. I'm against meds myself so I don't have much to offer there. But I do want to point out that your dh is wanting to go out with you and he wouldn't make the effort if he didn't want to. This is a good thing. Go out, have fun, see your T another time or day, and don't worry about the kids. we all feel like horrible mothers at one time or another. And kids always hate something or another... they are kids that get in bad moods and are overtired and whiney. And let me tell you something a good friend once told me. . "only good mothers worry about being bad mothers. Bad mothers never give it a thought." I think those are wise words.

Hope you can see your T and process all those yucky feelings that were dumped on you by the weight loss doctors.

Hugs
TN

What a terrible domino line of upsetting things.

Sometimes when it gets this bad - I just go to bed or vedge out for a bit, as being up and about only makes things worse, sometimes I do the opposite and go out for a long swim. the spirals that I get into are very compulsive, esp the failure one and if I can spot it early on and do something completely different to change my whole mood, I give myself good stars.

Hope you go out and just appreciate each other. Remember the good in each other. Have a cuddle. BE glad for small things, see if it helps.

You might have seen your T today or maybe decided to wait until Friday, which ever you did I wish you well in it. He will be happy to talk about your feelings and how you can crash and feel really useless and he will help you with some perspective on that.

thanks for venting, I appreciated knowing how you are doing.

I went today. It didn't go well. T talked a lot and I didn't stop him and say I need to talk. I feel awful. I'm on my phone and will write more later.

Thank you for the hugs and support. I really felt much better after venting here and decided to see T today. I was late because traffic was so much worse at that time of day which made me anxious because I am never late.

Then T asked me a few questions about what the weight loss doctor said and why I felt like he said therapy wasn't working. Then he started talking about the fact that I often feel like I'm wrong and that I shut down and try to figure out what I'm doing wrong to avoid conflict and him rejecting me. He told me that it was like I had a faulty alarm system that was always going off and warning me that there was danger and I had to realize that the alarm wasn't necessary. Basically he said that I will always feel wrong but I need to stop shutting down because of it. He said I feel wrong whenever intense and painful things came up and that wasan't a surprise considering my life experiences but I needed to challenge that feeling in order to experience something different.

I didn't say much other than to tell him I understood in theory but I didn't know how I could actually do that. As time ticked on I wished I could start to talk about some of the things I mentioned in my first post but I just couldn't say anything. Near the end he asked me if I felt wrong and I said yes. He said of course you think I've been telling you all about what you do wrong in therapy (which is true but I also feel wrong for not telling him I needed to talk). Then he said that I was doing therapy exactly right for my life experiences. He ended by saying maybe what he said would make more sense on the replay because I record all my sessions. I was so upset it was over I got up and picked up my recorder and it was off. I choked up and said I don't even have a replay and I ran out of his office. I think that is the first time I opened the door and didn't wait for him to check his schedule and confirm our next appointment. I ran out of the office almost slamming the door behind me because I knew I was going to break down when I left.

I waited 15 minutes and left him a voicemail apologizing for running out and told him a lot had gone on this week and I wished I had been able to talk about it but I knew it was my fault. Luckily my husband was very supportive because I spent a good chunk of our anniversary dinner telling him about it and trying decide if this is the time to quit therapy altogether (maybe), try a different therapist (no because I think mine is good and my issues with feeling judged and fear rejection will come up with anyone), or call and ask him if I can come in Friday to try and talk about what I want to talk about (my husband's suggestion).

I was hoping that my T would call or email me at the end of his day today in response to my voicemail but I didn't hear from him. I wish I wasn't me because it seems like my fear of conflict, judgement, and rejection prevent me from working on any of my other problems.

((((( Incognito )))))

It sounds like you are really struggling with EVERYTHING at the moment and I'm really sorry you are in such pain and confusion.

Something you wrote that your T said though leapt out at me and I wonder if you haven't had a chance to take it in yet - where he said

quote:

Then he said that I was doing therapy exactly right for my life experiences.

Wow to me that says a huge amount, it's so positive. And shows how accepting he is of you and not at all judging you or thinking that you are doing things wrong. I wonder if hearing that comment will give you a little space to just be where you are, and not feel like you have to keep struggling to understand and change everything so much. To maybe have faith and hope that you are actually doing the work, and doing it correctly?

I hope so, because I get only too well some of how you're feeling right now and it's a bad place to be. Sending you lots of support here Incognito.

LL

Thank you LL for your support. I appreciate that you could give me support even in the midst of your pain of being Tless again. I think you are right and my T is very good, accepting of me, not judging me and it doesn't seem to help me open up and talk to him about the things that are important to me. It also means that I don't think finding another T would help me I tend to think I am permamently damaged and I don't know what to do. In many ways I wish I hadn't started therapy. Now I'm so attached to my T that I can't imagine stopping but going hurts so much.

I called today and asked if I could see him tomorrow morning which was the other appointment he offered me yesterday. So I will try again to tell him what is going on. I think 3 times in the same week is a first for me.