Hi Starfish!

Far out, I want to kick your friend for saying that to you! It sounds like such a scared thing for her to say - like she really doesn't believe that *she* could handle responding to your trauma - that she sees herself as really fragile. But what about you? Why are you on the pedestal of stability here?

quote:

They are good people but have their own issues and see me as the ever stable one who copes and looks after others. And I find myself thinking then, am I so bad that nobody wants to know what's happened, will they think bad of me if they knew?

quote:

I haven't felt up to posting much, always feel my contributions aren't helpful because I am so wary saying too much or triggering anybody. I have spent my whole life looking out for others but it feels lonely just now.

I really relate to a lot of the feeling you express here. I am a 'helper' and have often found myself surrounded by people who are emotionally very fragile and unstable. I realised at some point that almost all of the people I'd been close to in my life had suffered major, major trauma. And I was always in the situation of being the 'okay' person, the stable and together one.

Of course, I surrounded *myself* with those people, and it was painful to realise this. I hated myself for it when I did realise it. Now I have some compassion for myself though - I understand that just as I'm not really the perfect, together angel helper (that was an illusion), I'm not the evil exploiter of other people's pain, either. I think I have genuinely given to other people when I could.

BUT - to rebalance the equation I've needed to recognise my motivations in surrounding myself with people who are, on the surface, less stable than me. When I am helping someone else contain their bad feelings - soothing someone, helping them out - my own bad feelings get contained. But indirectly - because they are never fully acknowledged or processed. I have the security of being 'stable', but oh my god is it lonely. It feels like no one could ever ever understand or help me with my pain, because my pain is not legitimate, nor is it even something I can put my finger on.

Anyway, needless to say all of this is stuff I learned as a little kid. To stuff my feelings away and be there for other people instead.

One of the major problems with doing things this way (aside from the terrible loneliness, and the terrible disruption in my life when once again someone is falling apart and 'needs' me) is that it can easily turn sour. The hurt when you give every last resource to someone, and they keep squandering those resources... or they STILL have nothing to give you when you need it....

Well, I'm not sure how much of this is applicable to you, but I heard some echoes there. For what it's worth. For me this started to ease when I started admitting the depth and legitimacy of my own needs. When I started to let my own bad feeling bubble up, and to contemplate that as as legitimate as anyone else's trauma. To see those feelings as my first responsibility. I've still got a long way to go with this.

So, I don't know if you relate to this, but if you do I would recommend that you give yourself permission to post what you need for you, and to use this space as a practice zone for putting yourself first. If you are worried about triggering, put a trigger warning on the top (which reminds me I need to do this with one of my old posts). Your contributions are very, very welcome here.

Take care, SF.

J

Starfish that's a resounding YES on my part in answer to your question. I go so far as to say NO-ONE gets it, from husband to friends to family to therapists inclusive. The only place I've found where anyone has some idea of this stuff is on this forum (where I have now started to build my own log cabin, the tent is not permanent enough lol).

As for what your friend said WOW. That really is a 'I don't want to hear about anything distressing to me thanks very much' red stop barrier to being able to trust. Just reminded me of a conversation with my mother at a time when I was REALLY down and going round in circles trying to understand what was going on and she said 'I can't listen to you when you are so unhappy it makes me really depressed and I don't want to be depressed it will make me sick no I can't bear it I don't want you to visit me anymore if you're going to be so unhappy' something like that it was years ago. And she meant it. I ended up not being able to see her unless I pretended I was ok and didn't talk about anything 'upsetting' to her. But she's an extreme case in point.

Having said that I'm wondering whether your friend maybe meant it more jokingly because she didn't seriously think that that's what might have happened? Or it was her way of trying to tell you how seriously she would take something like that having happened to you? Also in defence of well meaning friends, most people I've found actually don't know what to say or do when faced with a serious disclosure - their instinct is to make things better, to be helpful and heavy emotional stuff can make them feel inadequate and pressured and guilty. Not that that makes it any easier on us to get the message to shut up about it because it's distressing to THEM!

Starfish maybe it's time for you to stop being so there for everyone else and show a little 'weakness' and neediness on your part? I have been amazed sometimes at how what to me is obvious distress on my part yet when I ask people afterwards they've had the impression that it wasn't really a big deal to me. I think our own defences present us as more together than we are, but people don't know that and see us how we present ourselves and quite naturally respond to that. Maybe you could start up the odd conversation with your good friends with a view to testing the waters by talking about some of the more 'minor' details of what happened to you. You may be surprised at how accepting they might be. Risky, but maybe worth it in the long run if you do manage to form closer bonds with your friends?

Hang in there Starfish, a couple of weeks is a LONG time when you're desperate to get the bad stuff out to someone you can trust, but really it will whizz by. :hug:

Lamplighter

Jones
Thank you for your reply - I really needed tha.

quote:

It feels like no one could ever ever understand or help me with my pain, because my pain is not legitimate, nor is it even something I can put my finger on.

I so relate to that. All my troubles have been kept as secrets and pretty awful ones too, so now I can't imagine sharing them with anybody because either they are too horrible and might affect the person I tell, or that somehow I should be dealing with them myself and others might think I was making a fuss. Yet I do know my feeling are legitimate, but at those times quickly tell myself they are not. I guess also for me my major stumbling block, is that if I admit that the feelings are legitimate, I am(really very)frightened of the emotions that go with that acceptance. Do you know what I mean Jones? It's easier for me to be in denial sometimes than to face any sad or difficult emotions. Especially if I have to face them alone, that's very triggering for me, so I tend to just smile and carry on..and everybody thinks I'm always fine because that's the impression I guess I give.

quote:

to use this space as a practice zone for putting yourself first

Thank you Jones, that's quite hard for me, but thank you for saying it

LL, thank you for your validation of how I was feeling, that helped too. I do think my friend was serious, that she had an inkling and didn't want to know more, that she couldn't face it. That's fine, but it leaves me feeling that I have some bad secret that nobody wants to know about; that I'm somehow tainted. It's not so much that I don't say, I would never give such detail to a friend BUT more that I can't say even if I wanted to, because nobody wants to know. Abuse is so taboo here, people just don't admit or talk about it do they?

quote:

a couple of weeks is a LONG time when you're desperate to get the bad stuff out to someone you can trust, but really it will whizz by

Thanks LL, I know it will, I just feel under pressure right now that I need to tell someone even a tiny bit of the memories inside and that's why the break from my T is hard. So I was thinking about my friends and just realised that even if I wanted to confide a little in some of them, I couldn't because, very nicely, they don't want to know. They say they can't bear to hear of my pain... and that makes me feel very alone.

So thank you both for your replies, they've helped with that feeling,

starfish

Starfish,

So sorry you are feeling the way you are. I have no answers for you, but wanted to offer you a hug. ((((((Starfish)))))

I know what this feels like and is so hard. I have no friends that want to know what I go through in therapy either, and it's hard to be alone in it. Even my husband doesn't want to know. Just want you to know you're not alone, if that's any comfort to you, although it's probably not. Hang in there. We're here for you!!

MTF

MTF

Thank you for the hug and understanding.

quote:

Even my husband doesn't want to know.

I do know how hard that is, my husband is wonderfully supportive but cannot really tolerate hearing anything but the basic details of what happened to me, finds it upsetting to think that any of that could have happened. But he says he will always listen if I need to talk - but it's hard to do that now. But we do talk at length about the process of my therapy, so that helps me, he really does know how hard it is. But again, no detail

STRM
Thank you for sharing your similar experiences.

quote:

One thing that I've sometimes found helpful in relieving a bit of the pressure is to write out the detail of what happened. It sometimes can take the edge off a bit, but it depends on how triggering that might be for you.

That's helpful, I write loads but can easily trigger myself when writing, so sometimes just a few words seem to help. The writing is also helpful to hand over to my T, when words are difficult too.

I am sorry to hear about the friend who let you down and abandoned your friendship; one of my close friends is very much of the 'leave the past in the past' ilk, so I smile and never really talk about it. And I suppose she thinks because I don't talk, that I have taken her advice and moved on. And you are right

quote:

They will sometimes ask if I'm doing ok, but most of the time it is the type where you know they want you to give the "I'm fine" answer. They don't truly want to know how I'm doing

Some people only want to hear positive replies and are at a loss when I say anything even remotely negative, especially as I am always 'Mrs Nice and Happy' for most of the time, and that seems to be the expectation. Normally it's fine, I just seem to accept it, but I'm struggling now with my T away and it seems to have highlighted all of the secrecy there is in my past. Have you ever told anybody other than your T, STRM? Don't feel you have to answer, but I often wonder how other people manage to contain such memories - I feel pretty overwhelmed by them at the moment.

Thank you both for the hugs too,

starfish

STRM

I read your reply and thought you could be me, so strange when someone posts what you could have written yourself..

Thank you for your honesty. I think one of the reasons I haven't told my husband much, is that I hope one day this will be behind me and I don't want him to be left with memories that I have dealt with, if that makes sense. Don't want him to think of situations as triggering or a problem for me when in fact they no longer (hopefully) will be. My T says that I am protecting him, and I guess in a way I am.

quote:

I usually contain by using distraction and staying busy. I can only do it for so long though and then I just can't anymore without it interfering so much with my daily functioning.

Exactly, keeping busy and smiling normally works well for me, but I am feeling overwhelmed right now and the usual distractions don't work as effectively. So I am just sitting tight and taking each day as it comes,

starfish

Oh DF

Just crossed posts I think, but many thanks to you for the hug and agreement

starfish

STRM

Still keeping the cork in place but lots of stuff still bursting to get out. Just hoping that I don't press the cork in too hard so that when we do resume again I can't release it. That's happened before and feels almost worse - probably like your session with the other T there too. Or else she asks me what's going on, and it's almost got too big to let out safely, so I then clam up totally. Neither good options and I'm afraid either is likely to happen.

starfish

STRM

More than a week to go, thanks for asking

Have been writing quite a bit, not about the memories as I don't think I could, but about how I'm feeling about keeping them in, and that's helping a little somehow.

quote:

It is such a hard balance between keeping things inside and keeping yourself safe in between T sessions, but then having the ability to let it out when you finally get to T.

I know outwardly I look and behave fine as ever, because nobody apart from my DH has noticed, but inside I'm feeling like jelly, quite jumpy and tearful, but can't shed a tear. Anything sets me off, even TV adverts at the moment, either makes me sad or terrified ....what happened to the in-between?

Scared too that I'll take one look at my T when we start back again and either start crying (fine by her, but not by me) or have a terrible urge to run away, which has happened before. Actually sometimes just the thought of driving there feels scary, like I'm putting myself back in a vulnerable situation, even though I know I am in totally safe and gentle hands. Then I feel dumb for feeling scared etc etc and so it goes on.

starfish

Thanks STRM

It does feel that exactly, as if I am carrying this big weighty burden around.

When I get that urge to run I tell my T, although everything inside tells me not to. She says she always knows anyway, as I keep looking at the door, which I do, wishing I could be anywhere but there! So I have this big 'stay/go' battle going on in my head, which inevitably leads to me staying but keeping silent as I feel so vulnerable. It's got better since I've told her about it, them we can look at ways of making ot safe enough to stay and be productive. I used to just sit there when I had that battle going on, old memories made me feel as if I was in danger, that surely the same things were going to happen again etc etc, not tell her, and then leave at the end feeling bad. Then she pointed out that I was just reactivating the old stuff, by not telling her and us doing something different, I was telling my body I was in danger again, sitting through it and escaping at the end. All unhelpful and not good.

quote:

I used to not be able to cry in front of my T (or hardly at all), but at some point something changed and now she probably wishes that I'd stop blubbering all of the time. Actually, she probably doesn't, but sometimes I feel like I just sit there and cry the whole time.

I wish I could sit and cry and cry, I have so many tears inside, but I know they will come in time. I'm glad that you can feel safe enough now to cry with your T STRM, and that she feels the same about it too. Cry for as long as you need to - I am sure the tears are better out than in.

starfish

quote:

t's easier for me to be in denial sometimes than to face any sad or difficult emotions. Especially if I have to face them alone,

Hey starfish It sound like you are really struggling, and I am so sorry for that. I did not read all of the post yet, but I will. Your above words resonated quite highly with me, but what I have found- is that even though the real world does not understand, the people here really do. And you are not alone - here.
I have read things on here that have triggered me, but I know nothing was said at my expense,- also working through the triggers make them easier and softer to deal with- that is my experience anyway.
Your words are of great value to us, and let us reach out to you. Lean on us for support.
And yea- the crying thing- i can relate- still can't, but maybe one day.
Ok, going to read the rest of the post now.
Be gentle with yourself!

Mayo

Thank you for your thoughts and offers of support, that means a lot to me because I always want to hide away with my emotions and not share them when the going gets tough. I'm having trouble asking for a place to lean on at the moment, survive by letting others lean on me. Feel I need to be careful with my words and what I post, need to protect myself as well as all of you. But I'm finding it tough right now to deal with certain cluster of memories that won't shift, feel horrible and make me feel as if am the terrible one (So now I feel as if I am doing that bit of leaning and want to delete that bit) Don't know if any of you can relate to that?

starfish

quote:

Originally posted by starfish:
Mayo

Thank you for your thoughts and offers of support, that means a lot to me because I always want to hide away with my emotions and not share them when the going gets tough. I'm having trouble asking for a place to lean on at the moment, survive by letting others lean on me. Feel I need to be careful with my words and what I post, need to protect myself as well as all of you. But I'm finding it tough right now to deal with certain cluster of memories that won't shift, feel horrible and make me feel as if am the terrible one (So now I feel as if I am doing that bit of leaning and want to delete that bit) Don't know if any of you can relate to that?

starfish

((((starfish))))

I can definitely relate to what you are describing. I know that part of the effects of the abuse that was done to us as children is twisting reality and making us feel responsible for things that no child could possibly be responsible for. I struggle with this as well and what can sometimes help is to imagine another child of that same age in that situation and then ask myself if I would think that child is responsible for what happened? It doesn't always work, but it is always worth a try. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so stuck and haunted by these memories. I know there isn't anything that I can say to make it better, but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you and I'm here anytime you need to talk.

(((((Starfish))))

quote:

I always want to hide away with my emotions and not share them when the going gets tough. I'm having trouble asking for a place to lean on at the moment, survive by letting others lean on me. Feel I need to be careful with my words and what I post, need to protect myself as well as all of you.

When you lean on us, you give us a very precious gift, little Starfish...I am always so glad when I see you daring to lean a bit on here, how often have I leaned on you and others, and if felt so good, to receive your understanding and support.

(((Starfish)))

BB

STRM,

Thank you for understanding (again) re feeling stuck and haunted. Why can't I have happy times flooding back and catching me unawares? It all seems so cruel

Thank you also for your suggestion - In a similar light, my T has often asked I imagine what happened to me as happening to another child, what are my emotions, my feelings of responsibility now? But I can't, it feels too big and too overwhelming and that's what I can't seem to do. And then I struggle that I can get sad for someone else, but can't get sad for me. Too scared to cry for me, so won't even touch on that sadness. But maybe I should try a bit more and perservere as a way in?

BB

Thank you, I'm struggling to lean on anything right now - realise I normally lean on me, but when I'm not strong can't even do that. Then feel all at sea.

Lovely to see you posting and thank you for your support

(little) starfish

quote:

Originally posted by starfish:
STRM,

Thank you for understanding (again) re feeling stuck and haunted. Why can't I have happy times flooding back and catching me unawares? It all seems so cruel

Thank you also for your suggestion - In a similar light, my T has often asked I imagine what happened to me as happening to another child, what are my emotions, my feelings of responsibility now? But I can't, it feels too big and too overwhelming and that's what I can't seem to do. And then I struggle that I can get sad for someone else, but can't get sad for me. Too scared to cry for me, so won't even touch on that sadness. But maybe I should try a bit more and perservere as a way in?

BB

Thank you, I'm struggling to lean on anything right now - realise I normally lean on me, but when I'm not strong can't even do that. Then feel all at sea.

Lovely to see you posting and thank you for your support

(little) starfish

This is one area where I see the benefits of having a dissociative disorder. Most of the memories that I deal with that cause me problems are in 3rd person. I see them as happening to someone else. Some work in T involves dealing directly with a memory where it feels like it is happening in the 1st person, but not all of the time. I'm sorry that it feels like it is happening to you. I think I would be cautious in trying to tap into those feelings when you are outside of T. There is probably a reason why you are shut off from them and even though the pain of dealing with this is nearly unbearable now, your mind might be protecting you more than you realize. I apologize if that all sounds too presumptive on my part. I wish there was something that I could do to make it better. ((((starfish))))

STRM

Thank you. You are so right

quote:

I think I would be cautious in trying to tap into those feelings when you are outside of T. There is probably a reason why you are shut off from them and even though the pain of dealing with this is nearly unbearable now, your mind might be protecting you more than you realize

My head it desperately tring to process and has to remember in order to do so, but my body is saying a big NO, especially with my T not being around. I feel cowardly somehow not being able to face up to the memories on my own, but I think you are right, our bodies do react for a reason, so I shall try and keep that cork in for a little longer. Oh and it doesn't sound presumptive at all - it's true.

Thanks again STRM, it really helps to have another validate when you are not even sure of youself,

starfish

Starfish,
Having the memories pop up and trying to keep them away is the hardest thing to do. They come through anyway no matter what we do. You are in no way a coward for not wanting to face them alone. Even facing them with someone is scary so I can totally understand.
Just wanted to tell you that you are A-ok!

Smiley

smiley

Thanks,I really don't feel a ok today- my boss asked if I was all right. As I said 'yes' and tried to smile I welled up instead, which threw me and surprised her. So I swallowed it down quickly and made some lame excuse. It's just getting harder and harder to contain - I'm sure I'm going to burst soon

Oh I feel very moany, sorry everybody,

starfish

((((Starfish)))) You aren't moany and no need to apologize. You are going through a really hard spot right now. I hope the time passes quickly so you can see your T soon. Oh and you are most definitely not a coward. You have the courage to face this every day and you are working on it in T. That is so very brave of you.

Thanks STRM,

starfish

Oh, Starfish....big hugs for you, please be gentle with yourself right now. You are not moany in the least, you are suffering. I wish I could say something to ease your burden, I know it isn't possible, but I am thinking about youand sending prayers your way. Hang on little Starfish, hang on!! It seems an eternity, but it's not much longer now until you see your T. Just one day, even, one hour at a time. You can survive this moment, and then the next.

(((((((((((((((((((((Starfish)))))))))))))))))))

BB

(((Starfish))),

I feel your pain! I know how hard it is to wait and hold down disturbing thoughts and memories that are demanding center stage and are screaming to be heard. They can consume me at times. The difference with us it seems is that my memories are repressed and can be triggered through emotional connections and body memories of the trauma, but not with visual flashbacks....so far at least. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to also distract myself from images filling my head for a long period of time.

One weekend I called my T and begged for a follow-up appointment to the one I already had scheduled for the next week so that i could talk to her about the intense emotions I was experiencing about a suspected memory. She could not give an extra appointment to me and I thought I would die from the pain. Therapy ended with that T and I have not yet felt safe enough to share it with anyhone else. Therein lies the proof that the mind is an amazing organ and will find a way to preserve life as it had in the past.
I learned I would not die from the pain and did not go crazy.

When I read your thread today I had just finished writing in my journal of an imaginary appointment regarding that weekend incident. It describes the way I wish my T had handled our appointment after the fateful phone call. It incorporates some things i've learned but mostly what I think I might need particularly. It is simplistic but it shows me what I need to see in a concrete format. I hope there is something in it that you find helpful. I know this is an 'out of the ordinary' kind of post and ifeel a little insecure about sharing it. I hope you don't mind. It is a visit that never happened (and may not be the way a professional would actually handle it) but it gives me hope and reminds me why the process is so hard and takes so long. Some day I will have all this out and behind me...and you will too. Until then, I must wait until I have the resources and an attunded therapist that will help me with it. I am glad your day is on the horizon and pray it goes smooothly for you and that you find the relief that you seek.

Starfish, I am amazed at your strength to wait, to endure and to stick yourself out here for help and support during this difficult part of your journey. The support you've received here is palpable. HUGS TO YOU!

Imaginary appointment with therapist:

Therapist: Woud you like to talk about what you were feeling when you called me last Saturday?
Client: Yes.
T: You sounded upset when you called on Saturday.
C: Yes, I was very upset. I want to talk to you about something that feels really big.
T: How do you feel about talking to me about it?
C: Terrified.
T: Are you feeling terrified right now?
C: Yes. No. Well, maybe a little when I start thinking about it.
T: What will help you stay calm?
C: I can take a few deep breaths and remind myself that I am safe.
T: Good idea. We can continue talking after you do that.
C: Okay
T: Can you tell me what you are afraid might happen when you share this memory?
C: I am afraid I will die, or that I wll be left alone and I won't be able to handle it.
T: How true are these options to you right now?
C: I am nervous but I know I will not die. You will not leave the room. I am unsure about the latter.
T: Is it the emotions you are afraid of feeling or the details of what you want to share?
C: I can't separate them right now.
T: Without telling me any details, can you name the emotion that is under the fear?
C: I think it is shame.
T: What do you think you need from me?
T: I need you to help me contain the emotions of this big trauma.
T: How can I best do that?
C: Can you come closer or sit next to me so that i only have to whisper what i need to say. Maybe that would help.
T: Yes; I will come and sit a little closer. Is this better? (yes/no) What can you do to help contain your emotions?
C: I can speak slowly, take slow deep breaths as often as I need to stay grounded. (discuss adding other grounding techniques)
T: Good. It is hard to talk about hard stuff isn't it?
C: Yes, it is.
T: It is hard especially when sharing something aloud for the very first time.
C: Yes. I am glad you understand that this is hard.
T: Healing comes when we can speak the truth and then grieve whatever that truth reveals. Take your time. No one is forcing you to do anything you are not ready for or do not want to do. That happened once when you were young, let's not let it happen again!
C: Yes. Thank you. I had no voice or power as a child. I want to stand with her and help her speak what she knows. I also know I have to grieve the fact that my mother was too preoccupied or disociated to protect me from harm or provide a safe home for me. I know I have to grieve the fact that I too have disociated and was unable to keep myself safe and that I prefer to live a lie than to face the truth about my past.
T: Denial can be very strong defense mechanism. You suffered profoundly and facing that as a young girl would have been devestating. The defense has kept you alive.
C: Yep.
T: Disociation is also a defense mechanism and it has served you well during those traumatic events.
C: Yes, I guess it did. I need to see how it saved me but also how I don't need it anymore. I want you to help me tear down the walls separating me from the parts that hold the memories and many intense emotions. Can you help me do that?
T: Absolutely! I am glad to hear you want to do that. Those defenses exist for a good reason. You were not equipped to handle the emotions attached to the memories they protect. Removing those protective walls is a process and might not be safe to tear down all at once. Some of the work you have been doing up until now is developing coping skills to replace those defenses. Skills you were not taught or were too young to know at the time of those traumatic events.
C: True. Thanks for helping me slow down and stay safe.
T: (is using whatever the technique is that helps a cleint here. I don't know how to make this a perfect imaginary visit). Let's talk about what those skills are and which ones you now have at your disposal so that when you start removing bricks from the wall you will know what to do to stay safe without having to resort to disociation or other dysfunctional coping mechanism. If we are out of time, we can talk about what makes you feel so afraid to face this memory. The idea is to work our way backwards into the memory that is causing you so much distress. That way, you won't have the whole thing in front of you...which is probably what is causing you to feel so overwhelmed.
C: That makes sense. Thank you for helping me take it one small step at a time instead of trying to dump it out all at once, and for assuring me that you will not leave me and that you will help me contain the memory until it begins to lose strength or I possess enough of strength to stay in the present and look at it.
T: I know you want it out but taking your time and doing what you can to stay in control is something that was stolen from you at the time it occured. Sharing it will help you regain you voice, remove the power it holds over you and help you process it with someone who is safe. That, Client, is what I want for you to know.
C: Thank you, thank you. I feel much better knowing that I have someone to help me through all of this.

Of course, during this appointment of my imagination, the T would sit with me and allow me to express any emotions that arise as long as they are therapetic and do not cause me to decompensate. What I am feeling is more important than what I have to say and she would not rush me in them or in the telling, nor should I. Somewhere in here she would include questions to help me identify the lies I am beliving about myself or about other people in this memory.

deeplyrooted

Wow Deeplyrooted thanks so much for posting that. You have just given me a wonderful idea that I can use to help myself - writing out an imaginary ‘how I want it to go’ session - you know that would never have occurred to me in a zillion years and I’m SO glad you posted about it, for someone who writes a lot (me) that is such a good idea I can see right now how useful and helpful it could be. So thank you really thank you.

Sorry I know you were writing to Starfish but just wanted to tell you what a great idea it is and also to say how brave you are to post your private stuff here - please don’t feel scared about having posted it, it’s a great post and amongst other things is very moving that you are able to express what you instinctively know you need from a therapist. I hope you are on the way to finding that good therapist?

And Starfish you hang in there, the days are counting down - sending you hugs and support as much as you can take.


LL

deeplyrooted

I was so moved by what you shared. It was so powerful and so simple, but so perfect in it's simplicity. I saw myself in what you wrote, everybody who has been through trauma seems to share similar emotons, once again I could have written it myself....

The only difference is that IS exactly what my T does say, it's just the Me bit that doesn't respond like your scenario. I shut down all too quickly and she is that patient, gentle T who sits alongside, stopping me from running too fast and falling. Those are the things she says (hmm you aren't her by any chance!) absolutelyand when I read what you wrote it looked so good and so simple for me to respond. I am so fearful, it really holds me back.

So thank you deeplyrooted and to you LL for your help and support. I just need a bravery pill or two now for next week,

starfish

Starfish - I hear ya. My T is the same way, extremely patient and is just there for me when I'm ready. LL deeplyrooted this was a great scenario. Thanks for posting it.

Smiley

deeplyrooted

I reread your post with that powerful conversation bteween therapist and client.

quote:

Some day I will have all this out and behind me...and you will too. Until then, I must wait until I have the resources and an attunded therapist that will help me with it. I am glad your day is on the horizon and pray it goes smooothly for you and that you find the relief that you seek.

That made me think of two things: firstly that although I am scared about seeing my T next week and trying to look at some of the bigger more scary memories, I am fortunate to have someone to lead me through this, so thank you for prompting me with that; secondly, where are you in the process deeplyrooted? Have you found another T since that phone call that stopped your therapy with her? How are you managing without a T when you obviously have so much inside that you need to share? Your post was so very moving, it made your needs very real to me as I read it, but the T in the post and her response should be available for you.

Thanks for your support, I am feeling very nervous already and just pray I am strong enough to face this,

starfish

Starfish,
I am glad you are feeling lots of support. Even though you are nervous, you are going to get through this. It is easy to feel the weight of the bigger more scary memories and to imagine how good it will feel to have them gone. But the part inbetween, where we have to name them before they will go, is so very hard. We are not prone to move easily out of what feels comfortable and their weight is very familiar. Even if we could release them on command, that may knock us completely off balance. I think the mind is geared to insist that it protect our equilibrium and keep us from falling. The reason I think that is because no matter how hard I try, those bigger memories do not drop off without putting up a fight.

Thanksfully, you don't have to face the scary memory all at once; your T will guide and be with you every step of the way.

deeplyrooted

deeplyrooted

quote:

no matter how hard I try, those bigger memories do not drop off without putting up a fight

Oh absolutely and I have been fighting my bigger ones off for years So I have made a decision to look at just one or two of those stubborn ones, which seemed lie a brave idea at the time, but now am feeling like I will chicken out. My T has not put the pressure on me - it's me, but I know I have to do this sometime if I am to ever be free of them hanging around, affecting my life and how I feel about myself. And the more I try to forget whilst I wait for our next session, the more I remember, so end up caught up in some horrid vicious circle with myself and my past.

Thanks for your encouragement deeplyrooted, I hope you are ok too

starfish

Starfish,

"I am so glad you were able to experience the release of the really hard stuff causing you so much distress last week. That stuff was eating you up inside while you were waiting. What a relief to learn your T did everything you needed her to do to help you get through it. WOW! I know you feel devestated by all that you now 'know' but keeping it locked away was hurting you. I don't hear the anxiety and stress so evident in your posts prior to exposing the truth. Instead, I hear sadness and perhaps a temptation to disbelieve what you know is real and that knowing the awful truth is a actually a good thing. What you have done is remarkable. You are very brave and strong. You have survived some devastating stuff and have also made it through an intense battle for the truth! Give yourself time and take the suggestion of the others to pamper yourself and do whatever will help you feel nurtured. (((((SF)))))"

deeplyrooted

P.S. I read your comments to DF on another thread about what you did this week with your T and left the comment copied above. Though I don't think my comment was placed inappropriate on that thread,(please tell me if I am wrong) I wanted it on your thread so that your voice on the subject can heard. Because what you just went through is HUGE on the emotional richter scale and you will need all the encouragement and support you can get to help brace during the waves of aftershock. ~DR

Amen, DR- Starfish needs a lot of support and encouragement, and we are all so so proud of what she has accomplished. (((((((Starfish))))

BB

deeplyrooted
How lovely you are ! Thank you for moving me back to my original thread and for your words of encouragement and understanding. Yes last week was very tough, one of the hardest things I have ever chosen to do I think. Your talk of shock waves is true, one minute I am ok - the next it all comes flooding back with full force again and I think I will never cope or move out of it or move on, but when it settles again, I know I will and My T says that I AM moving on, so I must believe her.

DR, BB, DF you are all wonderful people and moved and encouraged me so much yesterday. Having your support here meant so much, I felt really alone with all my memories and you made me realise I wasn't. Thank you so much for that,

starfish

SG

quote:

I wish I could help you carry that blasted burden and make it lighter somehow, or even better, make it break apart and fly away so you don't have to carry it anymore

Thank you for that, do you know I did feel lighter for sharing here, even though it was hard to do, and even though you say you feel you don't have anything to add, just having encouragement from others really helps. Thanks SG

starfish

I think most people are afraid of hearing other people's feelings because they don't know how to react/help. That they will somehow screw up and make the teller feel worse. Our culture seems to have lost the ability to relate honestly and with our heart. That the only correct response to someone confiding in them is just the honest simple heartfelt one.

When my partner with abandonment issues told me about certain events in his life, I very much wanted to discuss them and I was ready. My only apprehension was if my questions would impose on his privacy. So if he would have blatantly said to me, "I want to discuss something with you very intense that happened to me when I was younger", then I would have felt permission to ask and listen. I love this man very much and sooo want to understand. Saand

Deeplyrooted - I think it was very generous of you to share your "ideal" T appointment. I'm sure it was helpful for lots of folks, myself included. It also sounds to me like you are firmly in the process of healing yourself and I am happy for you. saand