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7 replies

Why I retracted my Post

flickaflickaMember
I decided to retract my post on the countertheory of transference because I could see that it hurt some of you.

If there was something or some way I expressed myself that came across as
hurtful or demeaning to you and your therapy, in anyway, I am really sorry and apologize.
I can assure you that it was definitely not my intention and that when I wrote it
it was coming from a good place.

My intent for writing the post was never to convince anyone.I just wanted to
express my opinion about my journey to this decision. My hope was that if anyone disagreed with the countertheory view, that they would allow my being wrong,from their standpoint, and just agree to disagree.. I would have appreciated it too, if instead of talking about me behind my back, that you would have replied back to me and told me how you felt. That way I could have tried to clear up any misinterpretations. But that's ok, we are all human. Nevertheless, I realize that perhaps it may not have been the right forum to post this stuff, anyway. This is a support forum and
not a debate forum.

My therapy experience with my P may have been very different than yours,
and I’m sure it plays a part in why I believe the countertheory.
Almost all of my healing from the childhood abuse by my father, and then my ptsd as a adult, has been with emdr therapy. The light therapy through eye movement helped process & digest all the stuff that was floating around my brain & still causing me problems. I did have CBT, but it wasn’t such a big factor
in the process, mostly helping to understand what came out of the emdr . My P played the role of a male role model -mentor - guider- friend type.. I don't feel I projected anything onto him.. In my eyes, I never saw him as a father figure, and he never posed as one.
His major role was to supervise, control and basically help me connect the dots..and then, of course provide the support etc..- that all P’s give.

I don’t know if what I’ve written helps or not. To me the most important part that
I want to clarify and for you to know, aside from everything, is that I never intended
to hurt or demean anyone or their therapy experience. I hope you can forgive me if I did
come across that way.


Regards, Flicka
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sarahsarahMember
Flicka:

I haven't really been following along ... so not too sure about your retraction....I think debate is healthy and can serve to enrich the learnings of all involved.....I hadn't noted anywhere on the site that this "community forum" was "debate-free"....I challenged an individual on this site once (simple looking for learnings from the great debate on DID) and instead of having my voice heard, I had my voice deleted by Shrinklady....this is one of the main reasons that, although I may read many of the postings, I post very little on the site any more...
L learningtoflyMember
Hi flicka,

I'm sorry you decided to retract your post and that you feel like you weren't able to express your opinion safely. I am not sure I read the post you're talking about, I certainly haven't seen anything I found hurtful or demeaning. I am sure that whatever it was you wrote, you were more than entitled to write it. You were speaking from your own experiences and who am I or anyone to cast judgement on that? Your experiences are real and even though some people may not understand/agree with them, I do believe you should be able to speak freely about them.

I really hope this won't stop you from posting in the future...

LTF
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
Hi Flicka,

Just my two cents' worth...with all the stuff I've read on transference (message boards, websites, books, etc.) I've had the growing impression that not everyone means exactly the same thing when they use that word. In fact, a few sessions ago, I finally asked my T for his definition because we'd been using the word for a while, but never directly defined it. He said a few things, but what was most useful for me going forward was to look at it as the feelings I'm having about my relationship with him. That simple definition helps me a lot. If I have to talk about my "transference" - what do you mean? Oh, talk about my feelings? Now I know what you mean. Still difficult to talk about...but at least now I know what I need to talk about.

And so many things I've read about therapy say it's not so much the type of therapy, but the quality of the relationship between therapist and patient, that is the key in making lasting changes. I don't think anyone would argue with that.

Maybe I didn't read your post carefully enough, but that was the overwhelming impression I had from your post - it's the relationship itself that matters. You were just saying it in another way I hadn't heard before. Your relationship with your T was clearly very important to you and you wanted to describe what it was like for you. And I was very interested in what you had to say.

Of course, in any kind of email/message board communication, there is so much that is lost with no non-verbals...misunderstandings are bound to happen, some little, some big. I hope if I ever say anything to offend someone, they will tell me so we can straighten it out. It seems to me we are all here to support each other, and I can't imagine why someone would deliberately discourage anyone else in any way. But I can understand how things could be taken personally when they weren't meant that way.

Oh yeah, that's right...I do that in therapy all the time, WITH non-verbals! Big Grin

I second LTF's motion, Flicka...please don't let this keep you from posting in the future. We need you.

SG
zzMember
quote:
Originally posted by strummergirl:
I've had the growing impression that not everyone means exactly the same thing when they use that word. In fact, a few sessions ago, I finally asked my T for his definition because we'd been using the word for a while, but never directly defined it.


I completely flubbed up when trying to identify some of my feelings as transference recently (it was projection) and so my T explained what his understanding of the term is. He said that transference is when you have feelings directed at someone because they remind you of someone else in some fashion, and your feelings are unwarranted.

So, by his definition, the vast majority of my feelings towards him are not transference.

Just thought I'd throw that out there. I agree that not everyone uses or understands the term in the same fashion.

Flicka, I hope you don't feel too discouraged. I enjoy reading all the different points of view and experiences, and I certainly take what I find useful or interesting from each one.
russrussMember
Hi,

I didn't read the thread you're referring to but here's one thing I've learned about transference so far; I think you can have it and not even realise it.

For example, there have been times where I was so furious with my therapist that I wanted to tell him to go F himself and never see him again because he said something that hurt me. It took a while to see that the hurt feelings - triggered by my T - were really kind of a referred pain from an original hurt from my father...or my mother...from a loooooooooooong time ago.

So, is that transference? Projection? I don't know what you'd call it, but I do know that it elicits real anger, and that anger has its roots elsewhere.

I don't fantasise about my T being my father...God knows I don't need another one of those...and I don't pine for him between sessions. But, regardless of what you call it, there is a connection there that is central to the whole thing.

I think transference can be a real murky and muddy thing, and it's not black and white. Maybe this is because I'm a guy and I've been conditioned to repress and deny my feelings.

Russ

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