Okay Sheychen, I asked and I'll try to report as objectively as I can and you can give me your take on things ... I should mention he practices CBT ... so that could explain some of it .... although i do believe that he acknowledges the important role of emotions .... but our sessions do lack a bit of emotion and he has told me in the past that he thinks most people overreact ... leaving marriages and stuff like that ...and that most problems can be worked out ....
I should mention that when I first started to see him, he told me that I should feel good after our therapy sessions .. not bad and that if I feel bad, I should call him .... I really liked the part about feeling good ... because I want to feel good and it gives me a baseline .. I felt so bad with the last therapist that I started having panic attacks when I was seeing her and going home after sessions and drinking ... so I liked that I could actually feel good .... You figure, these people know what they are doing ... or should anyway ....
Just a little background stuff:
I went into the waiting room 2 minutes late ... his secretary knocked on his door but he didn't come out until 8 minutes later .... So my session started 10 minutes late .... He's usually very prompt ... so it's unusual for me to sit there for 8 minutes .... He really sticks to his schedule ....
Anyway, our sessions are always kind of blank slateish ... he infrequently asks about things we talked about in our previous sessions ... it's kind of like, so what's going on today? ;
so I told him that I was feeling really panicky about the trip (we're leaving tomorrow for Nova Scotia - my husbands father died) and that I didn't think I'd be back in two weeks (I meant to see him because I felt so crappy after my last appointment, but I'm not sure he took it that way) ... and I'm surprised I'm back 3 days after my last session .... It's always hard for me to call for extra sessions ... but I did it ....Anyway, so he starts to ask me questions about the trip and why it might be causing me anxiety ... and we talk for a while about that .. nothing earth shattering ....
So then I make the big departure and I tell him I was bringing up the caring thing again, and I wish it would go away but it doesn't ... His response was pretty measured ... and he just defends himself and says .. well I'm here, I'm listening to you ... I'm not taking notes, I don't answer the phone .. I'm not playing on my computer .... kind of like, what more do you want? So I tell him, well, you're schedule is so packed and sometimes it feels a little like a factory ... and one comes in and we put a little paint here and the next one comes and we put a little paint there ... and i also tell him that I tried to put myself in his shoes and imagined seeing all the people he does and the students he teaches .. and how could he possibly care about all those people ... so he's kind of getting frantic, well this is exactly what he tries to teach his graduate students, make eye contact, put the pen down, let people know you care ... and well, maybe it is a little like a factory, the 3 goes out and the 3:45 comes in ... but I'm here for you 100% when you come in here .... and he is ... but then I tell him, well every week, it's like a blank slate, and there's no continuity ... actually the session before, he did ask me how an event I attended was (Eckhardt Tolle for you Buddhist fans)... and it felt nice that he remembered ... so I brought that up ... and his response was, well of course, he remembers who I am .. and that's his style ... he's a here and now kind of guy ...
so then he starts to rattle off a bunch of stuff really fast, like it's really important stuff that he has to tell me .... and then he says, oh, the times up ... and i ask him what time it is because it didn't really feel like 45 minutes and he tells me 3:07 .... and I should have gone to 3:10, I'm thinking because i started 10 minutes late ... so now I'm getting 42 minutes ... and I'm thinking, well this is just proving my point, isn't it? He has to stick to his schedule .. and here I am complaining, well, you know, it's feeling a little like a factory .... and he's just thinking he's over the limit ... the session should have ended at 3:00 if I'd gone in on time .... so I tell him, well I came in at 2:25 and he asks me, you were late? and I tell him, no i sat out in the waiting room till 2:25, Karen knocked on you door and you didn't come out ... and he looked confused, as if he hadn't heard the knock .... and then I ask him for 2 more minutes .. that I'm not really feeling this cared for thing right now ... and so he makes eye contact for a really long time, I guess to prove he cares and then I leave and he rushes off to his next appointment .... so I went to the bathroom and had a good bawl .... and then I pulled myself together .... At the end of the day, I think it says more about him than me .... that maybe his practice has turned into a little bit of a factory ... and maybe he is doing too much teaching 2 graduate classes ... but maybe I need someone who isn't so rushed all the time? Or mabe I can accept it's him, and I can cope with his busy schedule because what he gives me during those 45 minutes is enough? at least I'm not having panic attacks like i was with the last one ....
So what's your take? I'm trying hard not to run like everyone else!!!
Also, a little more background, he never explains why I'm feeling what I'm feeling ... hasn't talked to me really about attachment issues ... I told him that he was my wire monkey and he said that was okay .... so we touched on it ... but he doesn't talk to me the way all your therapists seems to . ... he hates labels and diagnoses ... if I press him, he'll tell me I have adjustment disorder ... and we're working on self-image stuff ...and I'm a people pleaser ... but he seems to like to keep it all covert ... and it drives me a little crazy .... I want to get better but I can't read the map ... He's got the map ... and he won't give it to me .... I want to see the map!!! There must be a map!!! How can I stay in therapy if I can't see the map?????
And one last thing ..... you've probably got the point by now that he's not a big emotional kind of guy ... he's really nice ... and he, most of the time, gets the point across that he's a really nice guy .... and he never talks about intimacy ... he knows i have acquaintances but that I long for those deeper connections with friends .... we've talked about that ... so how can CBT help me get those things? Anyway, so he doesn't usually use warm and caring words but over the past four months at different times he has mentioned that he doesn't think I trust him ... he's brought up that therapy is painful and a lot of people quit because it gets too painful .... and he told me that I am not alone and over the phone, he told me we're working together .... so all of a sudden, I feel like he's drawing me in a little - which he's never really done, there's this professional distance always .... So I'm starting to think that maybe he wants to hear more of all this emotional stuff that I'm so good at keeping hidden ... and then I bring up the caring thing and I kind of feel like it blew up in my face .... He insists he's caring, so I decided to be the big person and say, okay, so it's me .... and he says yes, it's your insecurities .... see ya, miss 42 minutes .... I have to stick to my schedule and I can't take the time to make sure you are feeling okay ....
