I don't have the right words to say at the moment. I can offer my support and virtual hugs!
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I don't remember your full story about old T.
This sounds painful for you though.

I'm feeling a similar feeling about my former T. I'm obsessed and my mind keeps drifting to thoughts of her and things we did in session and my longing for that attachment. I know my new T would tell me to focus on my breath, the present moment, and do some yoga. Easier said than done.

Know you are not alone AH!

((((athenacus))))
Thank you for the hugs and solidarity. I'm sorry you are also feeling those terrible attachment pains, it really is the worst

I've had bits and pieces of my full story on OF and sensitive issues, but have had recent trouble leaving my posts up because it's just so painful. And my last deletion spell was from totally questioning my mind about the whole thing.

Basically I left him in October because he was bringing his needs into the room and causing me to care for him, disclosing large amounts of personal information, making unethical/inappropriate comments about me and some other questionable, hurtful behavior. I spent a large amount of time consulting other's views about whether this was becoming a dangerous situation, and tried talking to him but it just kept getting worse.

So I spent several weeks in agony after I left, and unable to afford to see a T anywhere else. 2 weeks ago I started seeing a T that was the first person I'd ever worked with about 5 years ago (she'd moved and come back) and she's now beginning to process the pain of me leaving exT.

I'm really in more pain than I've ever felt since childhood. There is so much confusion... I was so very attached to him, and he hurt me so much. I can't stop crying today, I just feel waves of grief and pain that are intense and unbearable. I had no idea this much damage had already been done...

((((pengs))))
I feel so badly for you that you've also had this permanent loop, but I appreciate you letting me know I'm not alone. What your T said makes sense.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I really wonder if part of the intensity is just how much this mirrors the childhood experience of trusting someone, being attached and needing them, and feeling complete betrayal of trust, while still caring about them and needing them.

Maybe the intense loop is because the adult feels hurt and traumatized, and the more childish part of me is re-living a much deeper wound, when she thought she was getting a healthy "re-do" of attaching to a safe male this time around. I think that part of me is screaming to be tended to, and won't stop until some sort of comfort is granted.

There's one more thing... that I'm swimming in anxiety over. I haven't been able to bring myself to mention yet. I hope I'm within the rules to mention this here...

***CSA trigger****
new T said something in our last session that I can't come to terms with. we were talking about everything new since I'd last worked with her years ago. I told her the last year I'd no longer been able to ignore strong evidence I'd found that I'd been SA at a really young age from a family member. No specific memories, but more than enough evidence, too triggering to go into here.

She told me that the entire time we worked together she had a strong feeling of that being true, from clinical symptoms and her own intuition. I came home and told H I was really surprised she said that, and he told me he has suspected the entire time he's known me.

I imagine that would maybe fit into why I picked up such early signs of exT being inappropriate, and why feeling a sense of 'violation' from him would cut so deeply, esp if I've never processed any of the CSA material.
***end trigger***


I really hope this lets up as new T keeps working through it with me I want relief, and to stop letting another person's behavior have so much control over my life This is really a tough day.

(((draggers)))

Thank you for all you said too, and I'm sorry you felt this way That all makes sense, it's like a battle of the heart and mind. I really resonate with what you said about the 'fantasy of perfect AF who could finally stop all the pain'

That's just where I'm at this moment, feeling as if he holds some magical key to ending all the pain, and I've ripped myself away from that ultimate power. As strange as it sounds, there's been many times I've wrestled myself away from the idea of going back to him, esp during the time there was no T with me.

If I can grieve the fact that he holds no such ultimate power and never did, that feels like it would go a long way toward pulling my thoughts back over and over to him. Sometimes it feels like it parallels an addiction of sorts, as if I'm drawn to the idea of what I wish he could provide, even though all he would give me is pain

Thank you for the comfort Draggers and the hope that it will let up

*I wanted to add thatmy last post isn't meant to say that I believe if a healthy attachment was formed and my old T would've stayed in his boundaries that amazing healing could have occured.

I meant that he, in particular, the flesh and blood human does not possess some all healing power that only he can access to help me. (although it feels that way) I just wanted to clarify that in case it sounded like I was saying the process itself is hopeless and flawed.

I really suck at explaining anything today

Draggers-That's exactly how it feels to me too!
For two nights in a row now I've had dreams of former T. I'm sooo glad that I have therapy with new T in about a week. I need to process some of these things and let it out. I have been crying on and off for a couple of days. I think it's also the time of year, the holidays, and not having my regular routine and ton of junk food and some alcohol within reach. Not good.

AH-You are in my thoughts! I'm sorry you are hurting!

AH... I am so sorry you are going through this. I know personally how hellish it can feel. There is nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing the stages of grief. You are also trying to come to terms with the fact that your oldT caused a reenactment of your past parental betrayals and abuse. The AF that you finally thought you found to heal all the old wounds just reinforced all the past negative things you experienced.

I can promise you that it gets better but it takes a good while. I can only speak from my own experience (and the difference being I was abandoned and banished from old T) was that I cried hysterically every day for about six months. The first 3-4 months were a blur. I was so traumatized I can hardly even remember just how bad things were for me. My T said it's good I don't remember and there is no reason to remember that pain. He saw me six weeks after my abandonment and said I was pretty bad. I can only imagine how I was the first few weeks. In fact, I do know that I was almost catatonic for the first week. I couldn't eat, drink, sleep or talk. I was a true mess and then I had complications from surgery which took place a few days before being terminated, and I had to go back into the hospital. So I also had physical pain to contend with and the worry that I was very sick.

I cried each time I saw my current T. I could barely talk to him. If I drove by oldT's office it would send me into hysterics because other people were there seeing him and I could not. I could not focus at work. I just about totally missed the entire 5th grade experience of my son. The holidays were absolute torture for me that first year.

What helped me was developing a strong attachment to my current T and having him validate the abuse of my oldT. He defended me, he explained just how unethical oldT was and how inept he was at his job. He offered to come with me if I wanted to bring a case in front of the board of licensing against oldT. He said he would testify on my behalf. When I finally met with oldT, a year later, for "closure", my T protected me and took care of me at that meeting. I think seeing how well T took care of me, how he protected me and how he explained over and over and over again that I was not at fault and not to blame, that eventually it just began to feel better.

As my feelings for my T grew, I began to talk more and cry less. The horrible pain inside began to diminish and eventually fade. I took about 14 months for me to start letting go. Here I am just over 3years later and I'm totally over oldT. What is left is only the remnants of damage he left in his wake.

Attaching to my current T has been a very rocky road because I am so hypervigilent that any hint of him behaving like oldT sends me running, even if it's only my transference kicking in and he is doing nothing wrong.

You will get past this and you will heal but it takes time and lots of hard work by you and your new T. You need to be patient with yourself. You just can't rush this. It happens in it's own time.

I think that if you keep talking and writing about it, that will help you.

Hugs
TN

((((TN))))

You have been such an inspiration to me in going through this. I think of your story each time I feel like I'm just not going to survive the pain. I remember going back through it to read of when your old T met with you and your current T, and I was amazed beyond words at your strength. It really gives so much hope that even the worst situations can be endured, and you have proved it is possible to keep going.

It is deeply saddening to hear how much you suffered from old T But as hard as it is to know you went through that, I feel a less alone that my symptoms of grief aren't out of line with how others would react.

I've only been introduced to the concept of having a part of me that is childlike (just from my own research and feelings) but today has made me realize how much deeper I need to explore what that really means for me specifically. During one of the intense crying spells today, I suddenly stopped dwelling on my thoughts from an adult standpoint, because they just weren't articulating the loss quite accurately.

Something about 'I miss him and want him with me again' didn't quite fit with my adult feelings. As an adult I'm actually rather disgusted with him on many levels. I do care about him as a human, as far as appreciating what efforts he did make, and I don't wish anything bad for him really. But it doesn't feel authentic that these intense longings for connection stem from my adult perspective.

So I just tried to sit with the grief a bit and imagined myself as a kid sitting next to me, and what she would say, and let that perspective pour out. Her agony of wanting him here forever to protect and love her and view her as important made much more sense. It felt the grief was really coming from the right place at that point, and I tried to imagine soothing her while helping her face the hard facts- that he wasn't going to do any of those things, and you just have to start letting go now. I tried to reassure her that I'd take care of her.

A lot of this came to me because I have a similar feeling as you had, about imagining his current clients and being thrown into intense grief. But where my feeling differs is I have that reaction thinking of his daughter. That's what gave me a clue as to where the center of my pain is now, and where I needed to go to address it.

Wow I can't believe I just rambled all of that out, feels like a lot

It is a complex web to unravel I keep trying to remember it takes time...

(((AH)))) - I'm so sorry for what your going through and your pain. Please do not think there is something wrong with you. There is NOTHING wrong with you. And the pain will pass. Like, all things, takes time. I went through the exact same thing with old T as well. My new T says that you have to think about it like this: You are literally grieving like you would a death. It's like someone very close to you died. And in addition to grieving this "death", you have tied in with it is a very confusing situation with an attachment figure that that was left unresolved.

quote:

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I really wonder if part of the intensity is just how much this mirrors the childhood experience of trusting someone, being attached and needing them, and feeling complete betrayal of trust, while still caring about them and needing them.

Maybe the intense loop is because the adult feels hurt and traumatized, and the more childish part of me is re-living a much deeper wound, when she thought she was getting a healthy "re-do" of attaching to a safe male this time around. I think that part of me is screaming to be tended to, and won't stop until some sort of comfort is granted.

- You could have taken these words right out of my mouth. I think this is exactly what happened with me. The problem with my old T (her intentions were always good) was that she made herself a mother figure in my life and MANY boundaries were crossed. I too, thought I was getting a healthy re-do with a safe attachment this time around. And yes, I believe that the inner child is screaming to be tended to. I know mine is.

I don't know that I have anything really helpful to say (and I don't know your whole story) but I just wanted you to know that your post could have comes straight from my mouth, especially after old T and my relationship first ended. (It's been a little over a year for me.) There is nothing wrong with you, it is totally normal. It will hurt and you have to go through the process and it sucks, but it WILL get better. And your not alone. So many of us, as you an see, have gone through the same thing. I'm sending big 's your way. Hang in there

(((kmay)))
Thank you for all you wrote
Your pain sounds so awful, I'm sorry you felt that too. It does feel very much like a death, and when it is an unresolved, complicated ending the grief is intensified. I think the fact that new T has mentioned old T, and I know they may still see each other at the old clinic and she is friends with him on FB is really complicating things. It's making the closing of that wound much harder than I thought, and I've today been considering if that will always be a problem.

I've had endings with my two T's prior that didn't involve so much intense grief, so I believe what you said about the boundary crossings really makes things unbearable. It adds more confusion and pain to an already tough situation. I am glad to know it gets easier, and I'm very thankful for all of you here

Big hugs back to you

AH, Draggers, TN, kmay, and pengs-

I was focusing on my kiddos this afternoon, took them shopping, and out for supper this evening. We were having a nice time and I felt good that I was actually focusing on them instead of drifting to thoughts of former T! I hadn't had a thought of her for several hours. So, get this......I get on the main drag/highway to head home and who was directly in front of my car??? Yep, former T! I know her car and her personalized license plates with the university mascot on it. sigh.
I can't seem to get a way from thoughts of her. On my way to work or going to certain places I pass by her clinic building and I do get sad thinking about how I'm not there and I won't be.
I know former T and I are bound to run into each other or see each other in some way due to our somewhat small community and her living only 6 minutes away from me (by car).

(((athenacus)))

Ouch, that sounds rough!! I would have a really hard time with that, especially after feeling that thoughts had just become in the moment prior to seeing her.

Small communities definitely have drawbacks