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4 replies

Why, oh why, do I continue to do this?

T tasMember
Okay guys, if I have ever NEEDED to hear the truth...it is NOW.

I took a break from therapy and the Therapist was working on getting the name of another Therapist to do a different kind of work, not to replace him...but in addition to...

SO, I have been waiting to hear from him...and the fact that I didn't hear from him was really starting to irk me...I kept thinking, "I'm so glad everyone thinks I have all the time in the world...I am in no hurry to solve this problem...etc, etc, etc."

I texted him asking for the Therapists name so I could contact her...he didn't reply. I then stated that if he doesn't reply...he may as well be telling me he doesn't care. I asked him if he didn't feel comfortable leaving a text, that he could leave a voice mail.

He called and you could hear that he was mad...he said that he was waiting to hear back from his sister who had a biopsy done today to determine if she had cancer...He said that was more important than getting back to me...

After I heard his message I called him back...he answered...I asked him "Are you mad at me?" He said, "I am irritated." He said, "I have repeatedly told you that I don't want you to text and I have repeatedly told you if you want to discuss something, you have to bring it up in session. I do not discuss issues outside of sessions." He continued, "I have also told you about my work day and that it ends at a certain time." (I texted him at 5:02 and he ends his business day at 6) When he didn't reply, I did text him again and said that if he was ignoring me, it means he didn't care about what I was requesting.

I have never heard him this upset...although I could tell he was still trying to maintain control over his emotions.

I told him his sister was most definitely more important and that I was sorry for upsetting him.

I just don't know why I keep pushing him and pushing him. I am trying so hard not to put all of my past, all of my longings for a parent onto him...but I feel that I am failing in that area.

Can anyone tell me if you have crossed a boundary that upset your Therapist (trying to push them away by crossing the boundary)?

I am not scheduled to see him and I definitely have a lot to think about when it comes to relating to him. I just have to stop this! I have been seeing him for a year and a half and he has gone above and beyond...

It's like I want to shake myself and say "STOP THIS!" I tell myself I will and then another situation comes up and there I am...pushing as hard as I can to see if he will up and leave...

I cried when I got off the phone with him because I don't understand why I keep doing this...

Thanks guys. I can't seem to see clearly...and I desperately need to see how things truly are.
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greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Tas Hug two

It seems like there are a couple of issues here.

Firstly, if there is an agreement not to text between you and you cross that boundary then your T might get irritated. Personally I think this is something that should be discussed in person rather than on the phone or on a text or voicemail.

Secondly, your T was clearly strained by the circumstances of waiting to hear about his sister's health. However, I don't think he needed to say "she's more important than you", that will leave you possibly feeling hurt and unimportant and having to deal with those or other feelings on your own.

Thirdly, it is normal to push parental longings onto your T. It sounds like you are trying to find a way to prove to yourself that everyone leaves you in the end and they leave because of you and your qualities. It can mean you don't have to risk the hurt and heartache that can come with relating to someone in a deep and emotionally intimate way. It is so hard to trust someone's love and support and to really, REALLY believe they won't abandon you when you've had a rotten childhood.

I refused to leave a session once and while my T didn't say anything harsh, I knew he was irritated. I've slammed the doors on my way out of his office. I've hounded him with text messages just to piss him off. But he always focuses on what's driving that behaviour. I have felt guilty about my conduct and always apologised.
T tasMember
I thank each of you for your replies...I felt horrible about bothering him and on Thursday I asked if he would please forgive me for not respecting his boundaries...He said yes.

I did call him and told him if he didn't want to work with me anymore that I would understand...He called me back and left a message which stated, "I have every intention of seeing you Saturday." I guess that was his way of saying that he was still going to work with me.

Thank you for replying and I have read and reread the replies...hoping that it will go a little deeper than the brain...into my soul...where real change needs to happen.

All the best to each of you.
T.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I felt horrible about bothering him and on Thursday I asked if he would please forgive me for not respecting his boundaries...He said yes.


Hey TAS... I think you realized just how important "your" therapist is to you. He IS your therapist you know. Even if you refuse to admit it. If you didn't care about him and care about the relationship you would not bother to apologize and ask for his forgiveness. And you wouldn't feel so relieved that he said he would forgive you and that he would continue to see you. Sometimes we have to almost scare ourselves into realizing the depth of our feelings for our Ts.

I clearly remember one time when my T talked to me about burning him out. How when I refuse to take what he offers and push away his attachment to me it will eventually cause him to burn out. Not right away but over time. He explained that if someone offers you a meal and you only eat a tiny bit of it you will remain hungry. And then you will need more to eat. If you always only eat (or take) a tiny bit of what is offered you will never feel full. And the other person will feel sad that you never accept their offer of the meal. Maybe one day it won't be there to offer any longer....

And so I began to try to take more of what he offered to me and it did help me. I felt better taking in his nurturing and holding onto OUR attachment. I will admit that lately other things have gotten in the way again (his wife sharing the office mainly) and I have again pushed him away. I need to sit with myself and rethink our relationship and how much I am losing by not accepting all his offers, without fear and anxiety and the urge to shove him away again. This is the legacy of disorganized unsecure attachment with our original caregivers. It's really hellish to overcome but with a good steady and consistent T I have to believe it's possible.

I hope your next session goes well TAS and you are able to talk to him about all of this.

Hugs
TN

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