I think a lot of it has to do with shame, maybe a fear of rejection and... I know for me at first... A lack of personal boundaries and/or trust in the ability of others to take care of themselves. I grew up being the parent and did not have good boundaries in that I'd want to fix others and I figured no one had their own boundaries enough to make sure they take care of their own selves. So, I'd avoid bugging my T at first because I saw her as potentially weak and incapable, then because of my own shame and desire not to be invasive (it's a cultural and also a deep guilt thing for me anyway) and now.., I protect her less knowing she takes care of herself. Yes means yes, no means no... Neither mean anything about me and I can trust her to handle herself personally and in my therapy. A very attractive thing to my sense of safety and trust.

So maybe I think it comes down to trust in the end? I don't trust people who can't actualize to a person separate from others and/or pain,.. I'm Lesrnjng bit I get triggered because I'm afraid of my own boundaries being violated., or me violating my own boundaries by letting myself get in relationships where the life is sucked out of me by need that I get lost in trying to attend to (sorta like codependency).

Sorry this may be confusing. It's hard to trust ourselves and our Ts and the relationship with them. Maybe fear of ourselves and any intensity or well, any range of things. I can empathize... It does prevent inviting our needs in to a relationship.

For me, I know that I am a demanding and time consuming patient and I have told two of my Ts exactly in those words how I am so it is not that I don't put my WARNING label right out there. I definately know my T can take care of herself and I know what her boundaries are.

I just went through asking my T for what I need which was more validation and warmth in her responses to me. It was so incredibly difficult to do that. I grappled with guilt over asking because even though I know I want and need validation and warmth I still believe on some level that I don't deserve it. Her response was favorable and it has left me feeling really confused. I have some shame attached to asking in the first place. Getting the need met feels very strange. I am glad, but it is not something I am used to.

Sky what a great question. I have a lot of the same feelings you do. I did finally call my therapist this week for an earlier appt. I did get the apt but have felt horrible for doing that. Even though after the apt he told me he was glad I called and went ahead and came in, I still feel I overstepped the boundary.

It took a lot of support from my husband for me to even attempt the call. Ok so husband actually called and handed the phone to me while it was ringing. (Oh I so wanted to hang up!)

I think part of it is the shame like cat mentioned. I have never had my needs meet as a child so how can someone meet them now? I am still waiting for the day he turns out just like all of them (the people in my past).

For me its a combo of core shame, huge fear of intimacy, but more that my primary caregiver (mother) was an abusive alcoholic who emotionally raped me. It was my job to take care of her. If I failed to ensure HER needs were met; or if I over burdened her to the point SHE was overwhelmed, MY life would be at risk.

For me, taking care of others - as well as believing I WAS THE PROBLEM and had to ensure I did not over burden her, was a matter of sheer survival.

maybe its similar for you? Did you feel growing up that your parents could not cope and so in order to create some sense of Stability you internalised 'I must not express I have needs'?

Wow, these are good answers. I never thought of some of these, or about boundaries for both the t and myself. My T seems very mild and (I think) tries very deliberately not to seem powerful and smart (but she is). But has many years experience,and with psych hospital, so must know the ropes very well. Maybe I should try them out, eh? and see what I can get away with...

For me it came from several things:
- being shamed, by my family and childhood therapist so it partly is protective of myself: it is bad to ask for anything.
- the other part is just family history: my needs (non-vital needs, so not food and shelter, but emotional) were always shown as hurtful to my mother. The only way to have my needs met would be if the person sacrificed herself... and then would end up leaving me, because who would want to stay with someone with "so many needs"?

+... my T is very good at holding boundaries, she mentioned several times things she would not do. Which led me to think she was very fragile and I had to take care of never "hurting" her by being too much, by not being cheerful...

But I am getting a bit better at it: I may not be good at asking, but when my T offers... once in a while... I can say yes. I checked twenty times that she really really really is okay with it. And keep being scared of hurting her by sending an email. But progress is slow.