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(((CD)))
That does sound like a disappointing session. I don't have a whole lot to offer in reply, but it did occur to me as I was reading that seven months is an awfully long break, and that I know you've been thinking about going back for so long. . . maybe there was such a build up to this one session that it made you tense and unable to take it in in as positive a way as you *may* have otherwise? Just a thought. I can tend to experience things that way sometimes.
I would have reacted to the comments about DB and DS the same way you did. I'm not always so keen when T points out the coping mechanisms I have besides her, lol. But maybe he did that so you wouldn't feel dependent or like you were screwed if you couldn't manage to keep seeing him? Maybe because of the financial issues he was trying to be tactful, like. . . presenting therapy with him in the light of a potential option you might choose rather than a necessity, so you wouldn't feel overly discouraged if you decided continuing wasn't feasible.
Just some thoughts. Feel better.
That does sound like a disappointing session. I don't have a whole lot to offer in reply, but it did occur to me as I was reading that seven months is an awfully long break, and that I know you've been thinking about going back for so long. . . maybe there was such a build up to this one session that it made you tense and unable to take it in in as positive a way as you *may* have otherwise? Just a thought. I can tend to experience things that way sometimes.
I would have reacted to the comments about DB and DS the same way you did. I'm not always so keen when T points out the coping mechanisms I have besides her, lol. But maybe he did that so you wouldn't feel dependent or like you were screwed if you couldn't manage to keep seeing him? Maybe because of the financial issues he was trying to be tactful, like. . . presenting therapy with him in the light of a potential option you might choose rather than a necessity, so you wouldn't feel overly discouraged if you decided continuing wasn't feasible.
Just some thoughts. Feel better.
(((HIC))) i appreciate that. dependency/trust with a T is actually big for me, so i appreciate your thoughtful insight. i'll have to noodle that one over a bit. the mind-f*ck i am referring to here is that he was trying to shift the comfort/care/attention i need/want from him to somebody else. i get that he can't be what i want him to be, it just felt like such a rejection. hence the title of this thread. therapy really is a painful bitch.
((((CD))))
That comment would get my back up too. Kind of like, so why are you coming here? It certainly wasn't the most welcoming comment. It sounds like he thinks you might be going to therapy to have someone to talk to? That's what I get from that. And, even if that was the case, what would be so bad about that? It's your therapy, after all. You get to set the agenda.
Is it possible that he said things like this when you saw him last time and that is the reason you stopped seeing him? That he wasn't making having the feelings comfortable or easy for you and/or maybe even was in some way exacerbating them? (For me, signs of rejection usually exacerbate idealization and obsessiveness.)
Do you find him to be emotionally accessible?
If I was to return to him, I would want a clear answer as to what he meant by that comment.
That comment would get my back up too. Kind of like, so why are you coming here? It certainly wasn't the most welcoming comment. It sounds like he thinks you might be going to therapy to have someone to talk to? That's what I get from that. And, even if that was the case, what would be so bad about that? It's your therapy, after all. You get to set the agenda.
Is it possible that he said things like this when you saw him last time and that is the reason you stopped seeing him? That he wasn't making having the feelings comfortable or easy for you and/or maybe even was in some way exacerbating them? (For me, signs of rejection usually exacerbate idealization and obsessiveness.)
Do you find him to be emotionally accessible?
If I was to return to him, I would want a clear answer as to what he meant by that comment.
(((Liese))) which comment specifically are you referring to? the one about DS and DB?
I am sorry this is causing you distress. Forgive my lack of knowledge on this, but what is DB and DS?
There is no doubt about it, therapy is extremely difficult. I hope you can clear this up with him...the next time you see him.
T.
There is no doubt about it, therapy is extremely difficult. I hope you can clear this up with him...the next time you see him.
T.
What does your gut tell you CD? Just reading what you wrote was enough for me to want to run.
TAS, db=dear brother and ds=dear sister
may have to go into hiding for awhile. i really do like this guy but i tend to like everybody, so if i disappear for awhile that's why. nothing to do with anybody here.s to all
may have to go into hiding for awhile. i really do like this guy but i tend to like everybody, so if i disappear for awhile that's why. nothing to do with anybody here.
s to allquote:i tend to like everybody,
That is our vulnerability CD and too many fuk with it.
Nope. Personally, I would be really certain about this one CD - Way tooooooo many mind FU*Ks for me in your post. All of them would have done my head in and after the 3rd one I would have decided that this T is a waste of time and space.
He is not up to standard. I couldn't go back if it was me.
SD
He is not up to standard. I couldn't go back if it was me.
SD
Hi Closed Doors,
While reading your initial post, what stuck out the most was what seemed like the T's lack of interest. And, when he did respond, he put everything on you...much the same way a narcissistic parent would. That's not right. From my own experience with my T, whenever something comes up that she's not sure how to handle, she very openly admits it and says she consulted some of her colleagues. Her doing this tells me two things: she admits to not knowing everything; and, she cares enough about her client's well being to extend herself and try to figure out how to genuinely help her clients. Suffice it to say we have a very good connection.
Your description of your last session raised so many red flags for me. You have every right to feel the way you do about therapy but only with this particular therapist. Not therapy itself. It can and does work wonders but with the right fit for you. As difficult as it would be, you may want to consider changing. The money you're paying is a pretty important investment - in yourself. Wish you the best on this land mine-filled journey.
While reading your initial post, what stuck out the most was what seemed like the T's lack of interest. And, when he did respond, he put everything on you...much the same way a narcissistic parent would. That's not right. From my own experience with my T, whenever something comes up that she's not sure how to handle, she very openly admits it and says she consulted some of her colleagues. Her doing this tells me two things: she admits to not knowing everything; and, she cares enough about her client's well being to extend herself and try to figure out how to genuinely help her clients. Suffice it to say we have a very good connection.
Your description of your last session raised so many red flags for me. You have every right to feel the way you do about therapy but only with this particular therapist. Not therapy itself. It can and does work wonders but with the right fit for you. As difficult as it would be, you may want to consider changing. The money you're paying is a pretty important investment - in yourself. Wish you the best on this land mine-filled journey.
i graciously appreciate your honesty, everybody.
now i am wishing i did NOT send that stupid email. WHY do i do these things?!?? i think i will send another email and ask him to ignore it.
now i am wishing i did NOT send that stupid email. WHY do i do these things?!?? i think i will send another email and ask him to ignore it.
Ya, I have sent emails that I really regretted later. It isn't fun. But T usually would focus on the why behind sending the email and not necessarily what i said in it.
Hang in there and focus on soothing yourself.
Hang in there and focus on soothing yourself.
thanks, River. i'm glad to know i'm not the only one with a trigger finger.
i sent another email to tell him to forget about the first and he replied and said some really nice stuff and invited me to come back
and i want to believe he is genuine but i DON'T! and i still feel sick to my stomach. and although i do appreciate everybody's honesty here, i think people have the wrong impression about him. anyway, now i really don't know what i'm going to do, and if anybody posts something and i don't respond, please don't take it personally because i probably need to hang back for awhile. i'm fairly easily influenced and so i may creep in the shadows for a bit while i figure out my next move. take care all you wonderful people! 
i sent another email to tell him to forget about the first and he replied and said some really nice stuff and invited me to come back
and i want to believe he is genuine but i DON'T! and i still feel sick to my stomach. and although i do appreciate everybody's honesty here, i think people have the wrong impression about him. anyway, now i really don't know what i'm going to do, and if anybody posts something and i don't respond, please don't take it personally because i probably need to hang back for awhile. i'm fairly easily influenced and so i may creep in the shadows for a bit while i figure out my next move. take care all you wonderful people!
Scary stuff if you did believe him CD? I hope now that you dont do another runner.
CD,
I hope you can find a toehold soon and be able to do the best thing for you. Be gentle with yourself.
I hope you can find a toehold soon and be able to do the best thing for you. Be gentle with yourself.
i'll leave this up overnight, but will take it down in the am. for those following this thread i value your commaradere (spelling?)
this was Ts response to email telling him i felt sick about the original email and to please forget about it:
this was Ts response to email telling him i felt sick about the original email and to please forget about it:
quote:Don't feel sick. Thank you for that and the recall. I was troubled and worried about you. If you come back, even though it's hard, please try to confront those feelings as they occur. You are welcome here. If it works for you we can take that stuff on.
LOVE the response. He cares.
Thank you for posting his response. It adds a bit more clarity to the overall picture and where you're coming from. Please don't delete anything. It helps others.
(((((SD))))) thank you <3
thanks, ((TK))
((CD)))
Glad to see his response. He opened the door
Glad to see his response. He opened the door
CD,
I think his response shows he is opening the door for you to return and that he cares about how you are. I also think he is telling you that if you can confront those feelings when you are there you can work through them together. Something my T keeps telling me and I have trouble believing so I am not saying that it is easy to do, just that it sounds like he is willing and able to do it with you.
hugs because it is so painful.
I think his response shows he is opening the door for you to return and that he cares about how you are. I also think he is telling you that if you can confront those feelings when you are there you can work through them together. Something my T keeps telling me and I have trouble believing so I am not saying that it is easy to do, just that it sounds like he is willing and able to do it with you.
hugs because it is so painful.
I am so glad about his reply CD. Metaphorically speaking, it's as if he put his arms around you...reassuring you.
i'm sorry this one hasn't died yet 
so, the email that T sent me that was really a nice email, right? i know it was a nice email, but this is from where i sit:
he almost makes it sound like a bargaining chip.
he makes it sound like i can just turn my feeling on or off. i can't do that. i can't seem to "feel" while in session. my feelings are felt after i've listened to our latest session. THAT is when things come up and i FEEL, and i struggle and want to contact T to touch base, but that is not okay, so i struggle alone. and by the time i see him next the feelings have died down and it seem stupid to even mention them.
so, he wants me to TRY to confront my feelings as they occur. the problem is: i don't "feel" in therapy, like alot of people here, it seems. i FEEL between sessions. THAT'S when i could use the support. but THAT is their down-time. they need down-time. i get it and respect it.
so, what i CAN promise him is that i will TRY to tell him what i'm THINKING in session and maybe the feelings will follow. but, i can't turn them on or off, ESPECIALLY on demand. so what i'm thinking is that maybe what T can do, other than to tell me that i don't "want" to lower my defenses (like i'm making a consious decision to do that) is point out my defenses when they're being displayed. then maybe after i know what they are i can begin to lower them, if that's what i'm supposed to do.
i'm sorry if this is cryptic. i could repost my original post if it is helpful. i think i'm beyond feeling like i'm betraying him by posting here.
i have not responded yet to his kind email. i am really struggling. i'm looking for feedback and suggestions ..;. anything, really. i feel like if i don't go that i am losing THE chance of a lifetime, because if i can't work stuff out with him, there will be no other. on the other hand i feel like since i don't know what i need or want, what is the point of this? i really feel like a pain-in-the-ass, and is that worth it? i'm able to function and maintain stuff, but on the inside i am crumbling and i'm not sure how much longer i can hold 'er up. every day is groundhog day and beyond. sorry this is such a downer. i'm really just at a loss
so, the email that T sent me that was really a nice email, right? i know it was a nice email, but this is from where i sit:
he almost makes it sound like a bargaining chip.
he makes it sound like i can just turn my feeling on or off. i can't do that. i can't seem to "feel" while in session. my feelings are felt after i've listened to our latest session. THAT is when things come up and i FEEL, and i struggle and want to contact T to touch base, but that is not okay, so i struggle alone. and by the time i see him next the feelings have died down and it seem stupid to even mention them.
so, he wants me to TRY to confront my feelings as they occur. the problem is: i don't "feel" in therapy, like alot of people here, it seems. i FEEL between sessions. THAT'S when i could use the support. but THAT is their down-time. they need down-time. i get it and respect it.
so, what i CAN promise him is that i will TRY to tell him what i'm THINKING in session and maybe the feelings will follow. but, i can't turn them on or off, ESPECIALLY on demand. so what i'm thinking is that maybe what T can do, other than to tell me that i don't "want" to lower my defenses (like i'm making a consious decision to do that) is point out my defenses when they're being displayed. then maybe after i know what they are i can begin to lower them, if that's what i'm supposed to do.
i'm sorry if this is cryptic. i could repost my original post if it is helpful. i think i'm beyond feeling like i'm betraying him by posting here.
i have not responded yet to his kind email. i am really struggling. i'm looking for feedback and suggestions ..;. anything, really. i feel like if i don't go that i am losing THE chance of a lifetime, because if i can't work stuff out with him, there will be no other. on the other hand i feel like since i don't know what i need or want, what is the point of this? i really feel like a pain-in-the-ass, and is that worth it? i'm able to function and maintain stuff, but on the inside i am crumbling and i'm not sure how much longer i can hold 'er up. every day is groundhog day and beyond. sorry this is such a downer. i'm really just at a loss
quote:i feel like since i don't know what i need or want, what is the point of this?
I think often, most of the work is the 'what do i need/want'. It's okay. I am having trouble finding worth to have my Ts time... but if you are crumbling on the inside, it is best to catch now. I hope you can go to see him, if maybe writing back is too hard. Going slow is okay.
Not everyone responds in session CD. It makes no never mind, as long as there is a response. Note it and bring it up in the next session if need be.
There is much to learn in therapy, and it cant be taught in a day. Settle!
There is much to learn in therapy, and it cant be taught in a day. Settle!
can't be taught in a day?!? what? well, that sucks. i'll try to settle, same as you
Might as well settle a wee bit cuz those boundaries they put on us teach us to wait it out until the next session.
quote:Might as well settle a wee bit cuz those boundaries they put on us teach us to wait it out until the next session.
Right on! Took me years to settle even a little bit with those boundaries.
thanks for reeling me in, folks. i don't know what i would do without you
(((Hollow))) that might be scary thinking to some, but i'm right there with you! so no, if you feel safe enough to leave your post as is, then do so. it doesn't scare or offend me at all.
i like what you said about it feeling more like being trapped and tormented rather than stubborn. i actually wish i could "feel" more while in therapy, but the truth is i seem to "process" more outside of therapy, and frankly that is hell! i want so bad to contact T, but it was usually more that a phone call type issue, and by the time next session came around, the feelings were all gone and it didn't seem important to bring it up anymore. the problem with once-a-week or every-other-week type therapy.
the puffer fish analogy is spot on! it's like, i know there's something going on that i should be reacting to, but i know it's unsafe so i will stay here in oblivion until the feeling passes. i know it's not good to do this in therapy, but i also know it's not entirely in my control.
you're good, Hollow. try to trust yourself with your posts. it can be hard, especially when you're so new to a forum. do what you're comfortable doing. we're here to support you. i'm glad you're here and welcome!
i like what you said about it feeling more like being trapped and tormented rather than stubborn. i actually wish i could "feel" more while in therapy, but the truth is i seem to "process" more outside of therapy, and frankly that is hell! i want so bad to contact T, but it was usually more that a phone call type issue, and by the time next session came around, the feelings were all gone and it didn't seem important to bring it up anymore. the problem with once-a-week or every-other-week type therapy.
the puffer fish analogy is spot on! it's like, i know there's something going on that i should be reacting to, but i know it's unsafe so i will stay here in oblivion until the feeling passes. i know it's not good to do this in therapy, but i also know it's not entirely in my control.
you're good, Hollow. try to trust yourself with your posts. it can be hard, especially when you're so new to a forum. do what you're comfortable doing. we're here to support you. i'm glad you're here and welcome!