(((COGS)))

quote:

Why do I keep torturing myself? Why didn't I ask him to call? Why do I tell him that I know it won't help?

Because it's really hard to ask for what you need especially when you could not express need or feel a sense of safety with your original attachment figures. It was dangerous to ask your parents for what you needed and, clearly, they weren't able to provide it.

quote:

Why would he want to call someone who already knows that the call won't help her? Wouldn't he rather call some client who actually gets better?

I don't believe that for a minute. He is committed to you and even though you might not feel it right now, you've made a lot of progress. It's like we have this ball in pain inside of us. It's so incredibly painful that we can't go near it, like a hot stove. But everything that happens in our lives gets filtered through that pain. At some point, it won't hurt so much to go near that need. You will find that it gets responded to. Or you might find that some people are more reliable than others in terms of responding to it.

Maybe it would make you feel better to talk to him. Maybe you need to know that he's not going to leave you. Just getting the reassurance can help sometimes.

(((COGS)))

(((incognito)))


DR

thanks Red, Cat, Liese, and DR

I didn't talk to him. I can't contact my T after he leaves his office and I didn't call until just after 4 pm. He probably read my email but I'm not surprised he didn't respond. I have calmed down or at least I have hit the stage where sometimes I feel okay and sometimes I feel terrible and all the time I'm ashamed.

I don't want to go to my session and try and talk about this. I am supposed to go tomorrow night but it feels like I would be better off to avoid therapy completely. Cat, I do feel like I will never get better. It will never be enough for me.

It isn't even that I think he is going to leave anymore Liese. I think I don't matter to him. I think I am worthless and I feel the most useless when I'm in therapy. That is why I don't think it will get better. I started to believe he wasn't going to leave and then that wasn't good enough because he doesn't care. Then I realized he does care and it became he didn't care enough or in the right way or I don't matter. It is like I'm stuck on and merry-go-round from hell.

Interesting questions Cat and it is always okay to ask. I think I will never get better because I will always want what isn't there and what the relationship with my T doesn't provide. I don't do it on purpose but I resolve one concern (like is he going to fire me) and then another thing comes up. I thought I would want to call him less between sessions when I accepted that he cared and wasn't on the edge of quitting but it hasn't happened. I still think about talking to him almost everyday and I struggle with the desire to call him.

I think I feel worthless a lot of times. Mostly I prevent myself from being in touch with my worthlessness by not letting myself slow down and think about myself. So therapy pretty much sucks. For example in my session on Monday I was talking about the fight I had with my husband recently and the marriage therapist we are going to meet and parenting issues. Things seemed to be going well and my T asked me if I was worried about what he was thinking about me (because the session before when I was giving him the details of the fight with my husband I shut up and said I felt like he thought I was wrong and later emailed he probably thought I was a b***h). So when I thought about it I realized yes I thought his question about how I could utilize marriage counseling actually implied that I wasn't using individual therapy very well. and so on and so on.

I don't know how to be cared about or why anyone would care.

(((COGS))))

quote:

Then I realized he does care and it became he didn't care enough or in the right way or I don't matter. It is like I'm stuck on and merry-go-round from hell.

The reason you are stuck on this merry-go-round is fear. Have you ever had anyone just listen to you the way T does? Have you ever had anyone just accept you the way T does? Who wouldn't be afraid to lose that? We all needed that in childhood and didn't get nearly enough of it. Sooner or later, Cogs, your mind will begin to calm down and believe that yes, it is enough and I am okay.

It seems to me that what is happening is exactly what should happen. Why judge yourself so harshly? If he didn't think he was helping you or that you weren't making progress he would have referred you a long time ago. You suffered some pretty tremendous wounds as a child and it's going to take a long time to heal.

The truth is, you work really hard on your therapy and on your life, trying to make it better for you, your girls and your marriage. You are one of the hardest workers there is.

This crap (and that's what it is, Cogs, crap) that we all have deep down inside of us and that runs our thoughts and our lives just takes a long time to bring up to the surface and it really sucks, COGS. Who cares how long it takes? You are doing it! It's hard to speed up the process. This crap was laid down a long time ago over a very long period of time.

quote:

I still think about talking to him almost everyday and I struggle with the desire to call him.

Can I ask, what is wrong with that? You are engaged in a power struggle against yourself. There is a part of you that still really needs him and, personally, I don't see anything wrong with that. You haven't come close yet to the goals you have set for yourself in your life and your T is a very important part of helping you reach your goals. On top of that, your personal goals often get put aside because you are dealing with a lot of difficult stuff IRL and he also helps you navigate your way through it. He is very important to you. It is what it is, Cogs. Why all the shame there?

Cat, I've never discussed the idea that I would leave messages just because I want to. I usually call because I want to talk to him. I email thoughts when I just want to get them out of my head. I think my T is trying to get me to talk about my fear of his judgement while I'm in the session instead of leaving the session and emailing or calling out of fear. I haven't tried to discuss what being cared for feels like.

Monte, it is nice to hear from you and I'm so sorry that my feelings resonate so deeply with you. I have a similar response to your posts. I also get there will never be enough because it wasn't in the past and that can't be changed but I don't know how to deal with it yet. I wish I felt more confident that I will ever get past the knots. I wish you well.

Liese, you make a lot of sense but I hate needing so much. I wish I could stop fighting myself and accept where I am. You are right at my core I am ashamed of my feelings. I want to stop feeling the way I do or at least stop acting the way I do. Self-compassion seem like an impossible goal right now. thanks for the hug