My T will say my name...and different parts names too, those that have them. Um, feel weird saying that, but it's how it is in the work we do.

He doesn't do it all the time, though. It's not like he says my name even every session. I have noticed that he does it mostly in two different ways:

1) To really connect, get my attention and focus. Like, when we were mid-rupture and I was in a lot of distress, he said, "Yaku, please listen to me! I feel like I need to say I'm sorry." So, if I am trying to push away something important he is trying to tell me, especially if it is something that is going on between me and T and I am just not wanting to deal with it, he might slow me down and draw me in by using my name.

2) To help me to look at things objectively. He will use my name a third person way, as if we're both observing me from outside of myself. He has done this all along, but it especially makes sense when discussing our observations about other parts or other parts thoughts/feelings about me. It feels very natural to me to process information in that way.

I don't think it would feel comfortable for me if he used my name very frequently. I am actually a bit phobic of using his name. I call him...nothing at all. I have never called him by his first name or his last name or even Dr. [initial], which is how he signs texts and how I address him in emails/texts in person. I find it interesting that your T seems to struggle with that. I have tried to nail down my own issues with it, but to no avail. I wouldn't say it is just a way of keeping distance, because I'm pretty attached already and still can't call him anything. I almost think it is the opposite in my case, some weird sort of object relations thing where I can't even see him as a separate person yet? I don't know. I'm probably not being much help here.

I guess I can see the value of not overly using someone's name (it might seem contrived or give the session a social feel), but it seems a bit strange that a T would avoid it as a rule. There are times where hearing my name is distressing, but also times when it's like T has thrown me a life-preserver and I'm able to stay with him, not go under, because he reached out in that way.

Hi, my T says my name at least once a session, sometimes twice. If I am not alone in the waiting room, she only looks at me and I get up and follow her to her office and she will just say, "How are you?" But if I am alone she says, "Ninn, come on in," or just, "Hi Ninn." She always says my name at the end, "See you next time Ninn." Like that. She never says my name during session.

Hello Quell, welcome to the forum!

That’s a really interesting question you’ve posed and had me realizing that actually, my T doesn’t call me by my name. I think he might have used it once or twice in the third person but never directly to me. Hmmmm. Like Yaku, I would feel uncomfortable if a T used my name frequently, it would come across as artificial and as if I were being talked down to. But then, the fact that he doesn’t use it at all makes me realize that that’s another reason for my feeling that he’s not really hearing/seeing me properly in sessions. I’ll have to think about that a bit more, because like Monte says, a T using my name - “in doing so he is saying I exist as an individual and he knows me personally.” And I’m not feeling that from my T. Double hmmmmmmm.

Quell, it bothers me that your T has said he is uncomfortable calling you by your name. Did he actually use the word uncomfortable? That to me would be a very bad sign in a therapist. I could understand his not using your name as a deliberate ‘technique’ but if he’s not doing it because it makes HIM uncomfortable, that begs a lot of questions! I also don’t really understand the comment about it being a way of encouraging intimacy within formality – did you understand what he meant?

However as Monte suggests, maybe he works in the blank screen way and deliberately avoids doing anything that would encourage a real world relationship within the therapy. Do you know what his modality is – from what you’re saying it sounds as if he might work psychoanalytically?

Good for you for being able to talk to him about it and all credit to him that he actually did start using your name sometimes – shows that he’s willing to adapt to your needs and that’s definitely a GOOD sign. In your discussions with him about this issue, did he ask you or did you manage to explain to him why it’s important to you that he use your name? To me it’s self evident, but it’s nevertheless all part of the work that you are able to express your feelings and needs around the subject, for instance, maybe you’ve had experience in the past of being wiped out by someone deliberately not using your name? (Just a throw away comment there, I’m not actually suggesting that’s what’s happened.)

Nice to see you posting Quell, I hope we get to hear more of your story

LL

Hello Quell(like your name)
My t will use my name sometimes in session as a kind of aid to bringing me back into the room when I have dissociative moments, so it gives a focus when she is trying to help at those intense times, she will say it to get me to look at her so she can help me come back. Other times she has used it as a simple greeting 'how was your weekend (name)' or like when I forget something in her office, she texts me by name. She doesn't use it excessively at every point or indeed in every session but as and when kind of thing. To me in attachment pyschotherapy (which is the model t uses) - names are part of it as it is very much a two way street, I use t's name and she uses mine - its helpded build the relationship up for me and it means she is a real person who can make mistakes, be right, be challenging whereas for me if I couldn't use her name we could not work as closely as we do sometimes, the attachment wouldn't be there.

Hi Quell- welcome to the boards.

Yes to all of what LL said. (good insights)
My T has sort of a pet name for me- a derivative of my real name. He does not work on the blank slate method, he mentioned that to me once. He uses the pet name when addressing me quite frequently- but really does not use my full name. I am not in therapy at this time, so I don't post much any more, but I just loved your topic.
Regarding attachment- I txted this to my T once (while I was reeeeeeally missing him) -
"I have learned that-one of the best things about therapy is-the attachment, as this is where the healing lies, and one of the hardest things about therapy is -the attachment, because it is so hard to let go." His response- "exactly".
In my opinion - it is such hard work, but so worth it with a loving T. All the best on your journey.
Hele

Hi Quell and welcome to the boards! I'm not sure if you are familiar with it, but I love the game Quell.

My T uses my name very occasionally and I'm glad it is only that often because I despise hearing my name. It makes me cringe. I don't like to hear it or say it, but probably because I don't identify much with my birth name. She does use names of other parts when asking specifically about them, but once they are out and talking with her she doesn't use their names very often.

I can and do call my T by her first name, but I don't say her name very often either. It just doesn't come up all that much, but she refers to herself by name in the 3rd person a lot which I always find kind of funny (in a good way).

Hi QUell, welcome! Glad you are enjoying it here.

T calls me by my first name when she is particularly sympathetic when I am crying perhaps. Or once when I zoned out, she said my name to get my attention.

I'm not sure how I feel about her using my name. When she said my name to get my attention, it felt too formal and I felt hostile at her. I felt she was belittling me. When she wants to press on a particular point with me so that I have it ingrained, she might say my name.

I never say her name. Even thinking of her name is weird. It feels too personal and intimate. I keep her at a psychological distance I think. I'm not sure. If I said her name, that would mean a much more interpersonal relationship and I get embarassed enough and timid as it is when I cry too much etc. Maybe in the future.

My T calls be by name frequently and especially if he is responding to something emotional. When he greats me, he says my name. I use his name, even in my texts. I love using his name. I feel very connected. Sometimes, he'll even sign his text and I like that too.

When my current T says my name it's like the most beautiful music in the world. He uses it now and then, not too often. Definitely on the phone. It really helps me to feel like I exist and that we are connected. I use his first name on the phone and sometimes in session. I like his name and I like saying it. What's funny is that it's the same name as my hated boss LOL... but they are nothing alike.

TN

I've never really thought about it, but yes my T says my name quite a bit and I say hers too. She does it more so when I am needing to be grounded, her voice saying my name IS very grounding. I guess I say peoples' names a fair bit when I talk to them , so it doesn't seem unusual to me at all. And T says my nickname and not my full name as the latter is triggering in itself sometimes.

starfishy

Quell,

My T says my name T and like many of the others, it's music to my ears. I don't know why. Maybe it's just that in that moment, I really know he knows who I am. It never occurred to me to look for him to say my name or not but I certainly take notice when he does say it.

Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to wrestle a piece of steak from a dog. And it doesn't feel good when I "win" the steak. So I totally get how you are feeling there.

It really does seem though that it is a very personal thing with your T. He applies it across the board to everyone. Although, I wonder if out of the office he calls people by their first names or not. And then, why would he make a distinction for his clients? What would be the therapeutic value in that? I don't know where you live but where I live no one calls anyone Mr. Lastname or Mrs. Lastname. It's just too formal. Although, my kids teachers will actually address me as Mrs. Lastname and I give them the same respect. That goes for the prinicipal of the school as well.


You are very generous to only want him to say your name every six weeks.

xoxo

Liese