Wishing I was sharing Xmas with my T and his family.

sadlyMember

Okay, I know this is an obvious one. But it is not SO obvious as I am having yet another really lovely Christmas with my own family and I do love Christmas with my kids and husband and guest or two. BUT ....

I am fully aware that my mind occasionally drifts off to remembering that my T said he had his kids coming by for Christmas tea and that tomorrow he is taking them both off for a visit to see his parents and he will meet his sister and brother in law there.

Why on earth he disclosed all that I don't know. I think he thought he was being 'real'.

But for me it just means that I seem to yearn/ache to be magically included. Of course I wish his loving mum and dad were kind of my mum and dad, (what on earth did *I* do to be denied loving parents?? etc etc) and I would so like to have him as a brother and his sister as a sister and also I wish I was there - just enjoying being like his kid, him taking me for a lovely visit to his family.

Oh I know, they might not be so lovely, I might be rose tinted about all this....

but actually knowing him, they are probably one of those loving caring happy balanced families I used to dream of as a kid.

My own family is lovely, (I don't mean my birth family of course) my own kids are lovely and well balanced and very happy and we have a GREAT time together.

But I guess my little me wants to be there, with him, loved by him, cherished by him. Heck, it STILL hurts.

I can never have that. I cannot do a darn thing about it.

Does it get anyone else like this, or do we guiltily try to bury it deeper in the mind when we think such things?

and worse, it means that I cannot contact him for a whole week which is unheard of this past year, so it hurts that I just have to manage somehow.

AND whilst I am on a roll, I gave him Christmas gifts and card etc, all carefully thought through and funny and all that. And of course, he did not give me a card or ANYthing. It must be rule 434:never give a client any kind of card or small gift. Blurgh.

12/25/111:00 PM

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athenacusMember

I feel like I'd like to be at my T's too. I miss her soooo much! I wish I could get a hug from T right now.
I had an argument with my mom last night. ugh.
I think we've smoothed it over today, but I'd still like to see T.

12/25/111:48 PM

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sadlyMember

Free on Thursdays, I want a hug from him so badly right now, I feel slightly sick. His kids will be driving with him in his car, (at this moment) as he takes them and his partner to spend the day with his parents and sisters, who ( and I quote) "love me so much and always have and always will."

I WANT TO BE INCLUDED!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, Athenacus, not only did he thank me for the cards and presents, (he left two to be opened later) but he said that he would listen to one of the CD's on his car stereo as he drove home that evening. It was a recording of my own choir singing a magnificent Handal's Messiah so I hope he enjoyed it. I think he will be impressed. It is a VERY good choir. I also thanked him in the card for being kind and caring, gentle and steady, for listening when I hurt and for not walking away. His eyes filled with tears and he said it was so sad that I was thanking him for things that should naturally be in my life. Then I gave him the card from my family and my 14 yr old son had written spontaneously inside it, "thank you for looking after our mom so well during this difficult time" and that made him well up with tears all over again. And my daughter had written "many thanks"

I am NOT going to mope today. I cannot change the fact I did not have loving doting emotionally mature parents - I never will have - (though I am working out a way to adopt a daddy somehow) and so I have to think how to make today as good a day as yesterday for us. Maybe cinema, maybe walk, maybe meet up in a pub tonight with friends. So that I can think "well I had a good day TOO!"

Why can't he be my Daddy?

12/26/112:24 AM

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ladygreyMember

(((Sadly))))

I can relate. It kills me that I'm not a part of Ts family and that I didn't get to spend Christmas with her. I'm thinking about telling her this when we talk next.

12/26/1110:19 PM

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LittlemeMember

Wow you dare to say what I just keep as a secret in my mind. You are brave.

I´m floating with tears when I read this.

I terminated with my dear T on the 16th of December. I don´t know how I will survive this.

I had felt it coming since sept/oct. Everything has been going downhill in my therapy for three months and I was admitted to the psychiatric ward on the 30th of November, because I haven´t been eating or sleeping for weeks.

They say it´s not good for me to stay too long at the hospital. I went home a week later, was home for few hours, tried suicide, went to the emergency for 36 hours, then back to the ward and came back home on the 19th of December.

Christmas has been terrible. Went twice to family parties “everything is fine with me” I said and smiled. Glad they couldn´t see my inside. I am so hurt and depressed,it feels like my heart is tearing apart.

Guess I´m grieving… but it´s sooo hard to grief alone, it is so hard to grief someone that you were not even allowed to love and no one understands me.

The doctors say I´m just having a hard time with my Borderline personality Disorder and I should take more medicine and this will pass.

Maybe they are right, maybe it´s because of my BPD that I can´t cope with my feelings, maybe I just don´t know how. But I feel the medicine just makes me numb and that’s one thing dear T taught me, that it does not work to stuff all feelings down, like I had been doing all my life, they will not go away, I have to work through them … but the feelings are so terrible.

Sometimes I think maybe it would be better just listening to the doctors, take the pills and sleep 18 hours a day. But how will that end?

I have been looking at T´s family Christmas photos on the internet and I miss her so much, I want to call her, I want to tell her how much I miss her. I want to tell her how much this termination hurts me. But I can´t, I will never talk to her again.

12/27/117:05 AM

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sadlyMember

LittleMe I have just posted a personal reply to you. I hope you manage to contact your T and tell her that you miss her so much

quote:
I miss her so much, I want to call her, I want to tell her how much I miss her. I want to tell her how much this termination hurts me.

I am sure she would be delighted to hear from you. Unless there is something I don't know about the termination, T's are very pleased to hear that a client wishes to continue, especially if you were doing productive work and then had a really bad time. sounds like you could do with her loving support.

12/27/118:41 AM

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LittlemeMember

To others; maybe it´s not so clear in my post, as my head is really messed up. But it was T that terminated with me

12/27/112:01 PM

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forgetmenotMember

(((Sadly))) I'm sorry to hear about this. I sometimes am like that with my T...imagining sitting next to her opening presents or something. Feels painful. All I can say is stay strong (God I hate saying that because...well, I wish I could magic those feelings away for you!) and you'll see your T soon!

You should maybe talk about it? I plan to talk about it with my T. Though it embarrasses me I bite my lip and just do it to hopefully get used to saying such things and get used to being needy of compassion. Guh.

(((Little Me))) Oh, I feel for you hon

I'm sorry your going through such pain now. It won't last forever. Keep well. Again I'm sorry for such lame words. Hugs again. xx