Hey TN,

I'm sorry you're in such a rough place right now. You know these feelings (like disconnection) ebb and flow; try to hang in there if you can. I can't offer much more... Wordless is kind of a way of life for me. But having followed your other threads, I know you and your T will find a way through this stage.

((((TN))))
RabbitEars

(((TN)))

I'm so sorry you're in such a painful, wordless place, where it's so hard to touch those moments when your T made you feel safe and cared about. If he's "losing" you, you should definitely tell him. I know he cares deeply and he will want to help you through this, as always.

(((((TN)))) do tell him, that's the only way he'll understand. I have to go to sessions rushing from work and I find it hard to switch off from the smiling, in control work person, to face the difficulties and challenges of therapy where there can be little pretence that everything is fine (though I try!). BUT I can go home straight after and don't have to face going back to work whilst I recover from my session and try to process it - no wonder it's difficult. I wonder if the silence is your safety mechanism to not say the wrong thing in the wrong environment, because the consequences for recovery back to 'being ok' are too difficult?

45 mins?? Man these therapy "hours" keep getting shorter and shorter. I remember when I saw Ts for 60 mins and that was the norm. Now it seems that 50 mins is the norm. That ten minute wrap up time is so important to me and I am sure it is important to many others.

((TN)) I can so identify with having to leave therapy and be "ON" as soon as it is over. I ususally leave my Friday afternoon session and drive the 5 minutes to the high school to pick up my son! No time to process or contain myself.

Could you work with T to find a better time slot for you? One that would give you a little more processing time? Also know that it is OK to take a break from therapy. Sometimes a little time away might help you see what you really want to accomplish in therapy.



Jillann

((((TN))))

It sounds like a night spot would really work best for you. One T I saw wouldn't see me at night because he saved those spots for people who worked. Why not broach it with him? At the very least maybe you can get one night spot. Maybe it will take a while for a spot to open up but hopefully he can make it happen.

RE thanks for the hugs and confidence in T and I.

cogs... thanks for the hugs. they are always welcome

Yaku, thank you for reminding me my T cares about me and how difficult that can be to remember when you feel so low and for encouraging me to let him know how lost I feel.

Monte... as always you put things into words that so well describe the issue at hand. You are correct. It's the pressure I feel all the time that renders me frozen and unable to do anything at all. Something has to give or change in order for me to shake loose from this place I'm stuck in.

Hi Hollow... it definitely stinks that I lost my private office and have to sit out in a hallway with tons of other workers milling around and if you look out of sorts in any way they want to know what's wrong or what's going on. It's so hard at times.

starfishy... thanks for your words and for sharing that you know how hard it is to rush from work and get into T mode. There might be something to the silence being a safety mechanism. I need to talk to T about that.

turtle... I used to get a minimum of 60 minutes with oldT. Most times it was 70. Having 45 feels like I'm always doing half sessions now. It's been an adjustment I'm struggling with. Part of this is the new insurance regulations. They either see you for 42 minutes or 55 I think and that is how the T has to bill. My T used to give me 50 minutes and I miss that last 5 minutes now. He does not do long sessions because he says the client cannot work that hard for that long. Ha. He has no idea how much I can handle if I can get started!

Jillann... you absolutely understand how it is to have to switch to ON when picking up your son. Especially that kids do pick up on our moods. It's hard not to have any processing time for the work we have just done or the hurts and memories we have just tackled. I wonder if we do ourselves an injustice by not having this time. I know it was much less of a problem when I at least had my office. I would come back and eat lunch and then sometimes call a friend to talk or email another or journal right after and that helped me so much. Now I choke down some food and one boss asked me the other day.... why are you eating lunch now when you already took your lunch hour. I told him I had a doctor appointment and he does not like patients eating in the examination room!!

Liese thanks for the encouragement. Yes an evening spot would be great and helpful for processing.

I did email much of what I told you all to my T. I wanted him to understand what was going on with me and why. He wrote back a wonderful email filled with empathy and understanding. He said he could see my struggle to communicate and understood how hard it must be to go back to work. He said we can look at ways to change how we work in session and then also look at a change in time. So at least he is open to doing that and making other changes to help me. He said if we focus on this together he is sure we can move me out of this despair and he reminded me we are stronger when we work together. He also told me that the hopelessness, and self-hate is coming from the child part and he knows those things I tell myself are not true at all. He said on Monday we will tackle this.

So I feel better that he has taken me seriously and is willing to look at things to help us move forward and to pull me out of this horrible hopelessness and despair.

Thanks and hugs
TN

((TN)) I'm so glad your T's response was empathetic and you guys can work together on either organizing session or moving your time! I couldn't imagine going right back to work after session Especially out in the open. You're brave!

Any way this could be related to T's vacation?

Cat... it could be related or just a small part of my "frozen-ness" but this has been happening for a long time and I just found out about his vacation.

I had a terrible anxiety attack this morning and having that email to hold onto really helped me through it. It was a warm, fuzzy email and my T is not normally warm and fuzzy... or at least he has not been lately. I'm glad I had it to hold close to me so I didn't feel so alone.

TN

((TN))

I can't fathom how to possibly go back to work after a session, you are amazing for having done that!! I am such a slow processor, it usually takes me well into the next day (at least!) before I'm even functioning again. I'm so happy to hear you stuck with it and got such a wonderful response from T!! It feels like so many times there are those moments where it feels like 'I have to stop, I can't do this anymore!' can be right before the best changes. Almost as if those moments are the brink of positive change, if only we can hold on just that little bit longer through it. You are doing such a wonderful job sticking with it

AH