Oooohhh - I so need to see the responses to this post. BrokenessisMe I have the some of the same issues. I suffer with ED and do not express anger except at myself. I'm looking forward to the replies you might get.

Jillann

I will be interested in other responses to this also. I have to work on this too.

Expressing my needs and wants in an assertive manner is difficult for me. I usually hold anger in, listen to angry music, or it turns into sadness. I usually don't go back to the person or people that evoked anger in me and explain myself for a long time. It usually takes me weeks to do that.
I think this has been one of the most difficult things about therapy and working on myself.
I spent my whole life dealing with things a certain way and to change that is extremely hard.
I wish you all the best with this!

Uhh sorry this is long... I'm never brief and I type fast.

Hi,

My ED is so much about anger, too. Mostly self-hate, and a lot of holding things in that the only way I can express the collection of feelings is acting it out with myself.

There are been a lot of times I can healthfully process anger, mostly through art, physical movement (I've taken walks when I'm pissed off since I can remember), and screaming in to a pillow or ripping paper... writing sometimes and venting the foulest stuff I can think of to my T in a steam of consciousness.

I also do some physical pushing away work too - with both my T and the somatic T. It releases blocked anger somatically and I always feel amazing after.

When I started therapy, my anger was directed through my projections on my T (many times they still are) and the intensity behind them. As well as fear (of closeness, of being seen, of many things...). My T will prod where she can at any hint of anger I have, and push my limits. So... it's prominent in my therapy I guess is how we're starting to "process" it. I have a long way to go (especially because of my SI, ED, etc).

Do you and your T see anger and assertiveness as one in the same? I'm very assertive, but still a long way with dissipating anger.

Sorry to keep typing... another thing I found that helped process my anger in therapy was dismantling some of my defenses, particularly with irrational thoughts. If I woke up late on the weekend (like past a specific time) I would be enraged [I have a thing about time - it's definitely related to growing up]. It would ruin my whole day that I woke up at 10:15 instead of 10:00. I haven't felt that way in 2.5years and it's a relief. I don't even think about it anymore, or care. It honestly does not matter, even if I had something I wanted to do and missed it; my whole day is not painted by sleeping in.

The major part, that's really hard to talk about is boundaries with others. People do not have to agree with me, and what I think can still be true (my T wrote this on an index card for me that I have posted up on the inside of my medicine cabinet). I do a lot less blaming. If I'm angry it's not "someone else's fault" no one can MAKE me angry, only I can make me angry. If I'm angry about something... I'm angry, that's it. I feel that way because of something inside me. From this I've learned that... I can't MAKE other people angry (including my T, and anyone). If people are angry they are angry, I don't have some mystical power to force them to be (even though their reactions to me or my actions can cause anger). This also means I eventually have to accept that I didn't CAUSE my parents to treat me how they did - because I don't have the power to "make" anyone do anything.

So... working with those thoughts was HARD. I wanted to bludgeon my T a million times. And I certainly went to war with her on keeping my defenses and magic powers. In my uneducated opinion... anger can be processed in a lot of ways. It doesn't mean screaming and yelling. I think processing it means reclaiming yourself. My somatic T told me once that anger is a "DO" emotion, and can indicate one of my values was violated. I value being listened to, so being ignored can irritate me. I value... not robbing people, so if I was robbed I'd be pissed. I value you my relationship with my T, so when it is compromised for whatever reason (from my feelings, or an actual thing) I'm angry. I value having a body I like, and I don't like it... so I'm angry, and I punish it and the person who owns it (when I change that value, which I'd like to... my reaction will change).

I think it's something we always work on... different ways to express, or direct anger even if it's not called "anger". Anyhow, working on self awareness has helped me process my anger. I think I'm a long way from being complete and embracing the anger I have about the past. My disposition isn't one that tends toward anger, not always but I tend not to avoid confrontation. So, if someone does something that irritates me, instead of making up 1000 stories and brooding on it... I'll usually tell them and go work it out. T has said she appreciates I can keep it real (more so now than before), so have my friends (thankful that they don't have to waste time wondering, and as a result... neither do I because they'll be real too). Some of my friends can't handle it, and I'm not as emotionally close to them as a result because I have a low drama tolerance - I think I'm more okay with rejection because I gently reject people on a regular basis.

OKAY THIS IS LONG. To work on it... I think you're right..... there needs to be some assertiveness 'thing' involved in it. And I think the work can be covert as much as overt sometimes. Basically, I don't know either... and would love to hear others experiences

quote:

I've been told a lot by people at work (after they get to know me) that they were a little afraid of me because I seemed so intense and intimidating but they'll say I'm "the nicest person".

Hello! This rings a bell.

Hi muff,

I find it interesting you quoted the one thing I removed from my post. After I post, I tend to edit down things I feel are irrelevant additives (at least from my perspective). Unfortunately, my mouse decided to crap out and I had to find batteries.

So, I'll bite. Does it ring a bell for you personally, or is there some point you're trying to make?

Bite?

Maybe I should have put But I keep forgetting those wee critters.

It's interesting Cat, that you found it necessary to remove it from your post.

I definitely can relate to work colleagues saying good stuff like that to me.

I tend to dismiss it though because of my constant underlying feelings of anger. I feel I dont deserve any praise for it, or myself.

Thanks for clarifying, muff... sometimes I don't know how to respond if I'm not sure you're saying more? Not sure if that makes sense. Bite to mean ask ("Okay, I'll ask"), slang...

I'm not sure why I took it out, I take out a lot of stuff I feel is "too personal". Actually, to be honest it felt boastful to me. So, a form of non-acceptance.

They'll say I walk like I have a place to be and don't really look up and like I'm concentrating. Well, I'm shuffling out of public as fast as possible and too ashamed to look at people. It's interesting how others see us.

My job is very creative so I spend like... 90% of my time listening to techno music and playing with my slinky and often have no where important to go except the potty.

/end hijack

I'm not sure if shame is like depression where it's sort of anger inward (anyone else heard that??). It's where a lot of my self-anger comes from.

We are naughty to ourselves Cat. I do wish praise could be swallowed as easily as anger.

Potty/loo/toilet/dunny/outhouse are the best places for thought?

It caught my eye Cat, and the first thing I thought was, 'Ah, I knew Cat was a nice person, and so do others.'

on a purely theoretical note - anger is normal, healthy can be very helpful in alerting us to when our boundaries have been stepped over. It helps to protect and empower to keep ourselves safe.

I think it becomes problematic when our parents don't handle it well. If as a little kid we express our anger and rage at our parents and they reject, humiliate, abandon, punish or abuse then there is nowhere safe for that anger to go except inwards. It becomes viewed as dangerous because of the reactions it brought on with our caregivers. IT is much safer for a young child to think they are bad and hopeless/defective than their parents because of a child's incredible dependency on their caregivers.

Toddlers also need to go through a time of being able to express their rage and knowing it won't destroy the parent or their love for them. If that isn't navigated and resolved, then anger tends to become repressed and feel incredibly dangerous.

So as adults we are now living with all these deeply learned emotional lessons around anger. By getting angry with our T's and having them not reject us, but to understand and validate our feelings in this domain, it gradually starts to shift things internally. As we become more solid internally we are able to deal with deeper and more intense anger and rage.

Words words. Their only words to describe this fuking hell!


"Toddlers also need to go through a time of being able to express their rage ...."

Infants do too, to alert their primary care giver for the need to be loved. And when they were forced to stop asking, that rage was also repressed.

There was a ransom to be paid for the dream of love. I'm paying for it in therapy.