I have not posted much lately because I have been dealing with some health issues and it has distracted and exhausted me. I am also aware it could be triggering for some so I have kept a low profile. In general terms I have to report to the hospital on Wednesday for a procedure that requires general anaesthesia for a female health concern.
I have also spent the last 10 days with my T away on vacation (he's back today and I saw him). It was difficult having him away while I had to go for my pre-admission tests although he was available by email and was very supportive. I missed him very much while he was gone. He has been absolutely perfect in helping me deal with my anxiety and fears surrounding this issue and is very comfortable discussing women's health issues. He did part of his training in a hospital setting so he also has some medical perspective.
So today, his first day back, we sat together and talked about how I feel about this procedure, why it is triggering me so badly and what I expect from it. He gave me his perspective of being in the OR with patients who needed him to be there (during his training in neuropsychology). He was kind and very empathic and understanding. I know I was struggling to stay present but he kept grounding me and asking me to look at him because he wanted me to take in his non-verbals which are important to me.
We talked about how during my last surgery my oldT was trying to terminate me and how after just 4 days out of surgery when I made a huge effort to get to my session (he was leaving for a 3 week vacation the next day) he terminated me and then had me dragged to the Crisis Center by the police. So, yes, I do have a scary feeling about when I return to see my T on Thursday (if I can make it there). I also had complications from the surgery which was frightening but I had no T at that time. I was traumatized emotionally while at the same time my body was sick. It was a terrible time for me and we talked about how that has influenced my experience of hosptials and how oldT contaminated it for me.
As we were getting towards the end of the session I stopped and got quiet and told my T I needed to ask him for something and I was afraid he would get mad at me. He said that I would have to ask to find out. So I asked if he would be okay with holding my hand for a few seconds just so I could have that experience and that feeling to take with me before I go under. I hastened to add that it is just like shaking my hand (which he does) but without the up and down stuff
He smiled and said he thinks he understand the concept 
I need to add here that my T and I had a huge disruption over a year ago regarding touch. He will shake my hand and sometimes he pats my arm or shoulder when I leave but that is IT.And so he wheeled his chair closer to me and held out his hand. My T has very big hands. I put my hand into his and closed my eyes just trying to take in and memorize the feeling. I immediately felt a sense of peace and safety decend over me. Safety and protection. Precious things that have been in very short supply in my life. My hand felt small in his large one. In fact, I told him that I don't even want to talk. He replied that he was not saying anything. I opened my eyes and then pulled my hand away. I thought maybe I had "overstayed". We looked at each other and then he held out his hand again and I took it again and we just sat there like that for maybe another ten seconds. I knew that I would retain the feeling and experience of him holding my hand for a very long time.
We finished up the session and he reassured me that he would be there for me when I returned and that he was not oldT and not leaving me. He told me I could contact him whenever i needed to over the next few days.
I'm still anxious but having him with me makes such a difference and having him be open to the touch that I asked for and needed has taken our relationship to a whole new level of trust and emotional intimacy. I feel like I am the most blessed person in the world.
Thanks for listening and reading
TN
It is so heart-warming to read about this, TN. I am so glad you experienced that sort of peace and comfort from your T to take into your surgery. I'll definitely be praying for you. Lots of love and thanks for sharing your session.
I am really happy for you!
when i stood up to leave, he was waiting at the door for me. although i inferred that i was leaving for good, he said something about a therapy vacation (bless his heart). i approached him and it was all slow motion. i truly felt like i was 5. we'd only shook hands once before at the beginning of therapy. i reached out my hand and glanced at him and he had a big smile. and i looked at his hands as he offered them and he wrapped them both around mine. the flashback is that he enveloped my hand with both of his. and they were big and warm and nice. your post just brought this out of me. yesterday i would have told you that we shook hands, but now i'm telling you that he took my one hand in both of his and it was like being hugged in a good way when i was 5. 