AW, Kashley...I'm so sorry you are in a bad place. And a two week vacation is hard to deal with, with no T. I am sorry. I can understand how your mom's commetn wouldv'e thrown you into a tailspin...it always seems like the relationship is about her getting her needs met in one way or another...and it is awful for her to say that she would cut off contact with you until you get yourself together. How about, "Honey I am here to support you in what you are doing?" Hm, I don't wnat to make you feel worse, but I'm guessing you are doing a pretty good job of beating yourself up for needing anything from her in the first place...so I think you deserve to at least, allow yourself a bit of compassion, that this is not right, and that you do not deserve to be treated this way, that she should really be there to support in what you are going through and encourage you and help you and take responsibility for her part in what has left you in such a hurt place. (((((Kashley)))))) I am so, so sorry, honey. You take care of yourself, and post here as much as you need to, ok?

Love,

BB

Hey Kashley,

I second BB's post. Don't hesitate to share with us if you feel like it. I'm sure many of us will try to help you get through those 2 weeks.

Best,

MHP.

Ditto. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, Kashley. Breaks from T are rough at the best of times, but given your current stress and your mother's recent comment, this probably couldn't have come at a worse time.

I hope that you'll post about the feelings that you're having during this break.

Take good care.

agent

BB, MHP (welcome!), and Agent -

Thank you endlessly. Lately, and even more so now, I've had strong urges to just back into a dark corner because I feel like everything I do and say is bad. I've done that some I guess, but there's no way I can for the next couple weeks, and that's part of what has me paralyzed. Overwhelming feelings of inadequacy. It scares and intimidates me, especially now, when someone expects something out of me, even if it's just to be a friend. It's tough, because I think to most of the outside world (probably everyone except my T) it looks like I've got it together. I'm double majoring, working, am involved in several activities on campus, and as my T has pointed out to me, I am very hard on myself when it comes to my grades. And, of course, I seem to smile all the time in public. In reality, I think I'm drowning myself in work to force myself to avoid my feelings, because I can't keep all of that up when I'm trying to deal with my emotions.

BB, you've done anything but make me feel worse. That was the biggest thought plaguing me after talking to my mom was that I asked for too much and didn't give enough. My T helped me put it in a bit of perspective - actually, the way she nonverbally seemed to react to what happened spoke more to me than her actual words. A lot of times I still feel like I'm being unfair, because my mother just has no idea how pervasive some of my problems are or how hard it is for me to share anything with anyone, so I feel like I'm only getting what I deserve. A smaller part of me sees the other side of this - that I asked her for privacy and patience in this, and though she says she understands that, her words are drastically different from her behavior. The incongruence (as my T phrased it) between her words and actions are what drive me crazy, because I don't know what to believe.

I'm fighting with myself not to just delete all of this. I'm scared to take too much. I'm scared to share too much. The thoughts torture me. Thank you again for the support.

Oh Kashley,
It sounds like you have a ton of pressure to be what people around you (and you) expect. I can so relate to wanting to just back into a corner and hide when the expectations feel like too much.... so difficult. I'm sorry your T is gone to top it all off. I think you are taking good care of your self by coming here and reaching out to find some support.

Kashley, you might not be in a place where you can hear it, but I'm going to say it anyway - You are not bad!!! You deserve to ask for and to feel support!! Do what you can to be gentle with yourself!!

Kashley

Please don't delete.... please, please. I can hear you hurt and distress and although I feel helpless to make your situation any better, I want to offer support and a hug (((kashley))). It is exhausting to go through this, be gentle on yourself kashley and post as much as you need to,

starfish

quote:

Originally posted by starfish:
Please don't delete.... please, please.

It is so hard to put your stuff out there and leaves me at least feeling so exposed. I think often it feels like we have revealed more than we have though.

I second starfish - please don't delete! You deserve support!!

Seablue, Starfish -

There's no way I can express how much your posts mean to me. Having this kind of support...I don't know. Words cannot express. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but it's hard to accept it. I feel like I have more to say, but I just can't form anything coherent...it's all a jumbled mess in my head.

(((((Kashley)))))

So sorry you're struggling so much right now. I'm not in such a great place myself so I don't have much to offer, but I want to say that you're more than welcome to bring your feelings and issues here. Most of us understand what you're dealing with, at least to some extent and are here to support you as best we can. You're dealing with a lot, and not having your T around doesn't help. We can all understand that! Please take some time to just breathe and relax if you can. It's so crucial considering what you're involved with right now. You need some down time for yourself, even if that's only ten minutes here and there. I wish I had some great advice, especially to help with the situation with your mother. Hang in there, girl!! You'll be okay. And please post to us when you need to.

Take care of yourself!
MTF

(((((kashley)))))

I hope you don't delete! at least not on accout of feeling like too much or taking too much. You are given support because you are cared about - you are not taking too much at all!

what you wrote about feeling inadequate - just this weekend I was journaling about how I always feel like too much, and never enough... and always deeply insecure... it is awful feeling that way. yet, i know you ARE good enough just as you are and you are NOT too much at all!

I can also relate to difficulty connecting and at the same time, being so scared of becoming dependant on a T. It's like I think I am too much and never good enough so I am drawn in to try to connect, and then when I do at all, I totally freak out and numb out. For me, reaching out to people helps and I am so glad you are doing that too - it will get easier in time... Grace, love, kindness, acceptance is so super hard to for me to receive, I'm so used to the bad, and unless I "earn" the kindness in someway, I get scared of it. It's all twisted up for me... but it's begining to get easier...

Kashley, you deserve kindness and support just as you are! If it is helpful for you, please keep posting on how it's going. It sounds like you have a ton on your plate. hang in there.

((Kashley)) So sorry for the place you are in. I know that your T being away really sucks. Mine went away last year for like 3 weeks and I was not liking it at all. I was lucky though, she did call me and e-mail me. Can you e-mail your T?

I also understand the bit with your mom. The thing is they just don't get it. In my case, I feel alot of my stuff is because of my mom, and she just doesn't get how any of it could affect me like this. There is no support on my end either which really gives you a bad message. The only thing I can say is try not to look for anything from her. We always hope, but the reality is that it probably won't happen the way you want it to. That being said, I have come to terms with my mother and I feel a whole lot better for it. I think when we realize that they didn't help us, that they aren't helping us, anjd that they probably won't help us, is when we can say - enough - I don't need you anymore. Very hard but does empower you and make you feel better about yourself.
I hope I haven't upset you - I would be glad to stay and listen for the next 2 weeks with you, as I'm sure everyone else here is too.

Hugs (())

Kashley:

Sorry to hear that you are in this place right now...please know that we are all here for you!!

(((Hug)))

Kashley,

I'm so sorry that you are in such a stressful place and your T is gone for two weeks. What a rough combination! I'm also sorry to hear that your mother gave such a crushing ultimatum and it sounds like a bit of crazy making with her actions and words not matching. You have every right to reach out for support and you are not taking too much. I hope that the next two weeks go by quickly for you and that you can lean on all of us for support here while you wait for your T to return.

MTF, Janedoe, Smiley, Sarah, STRM

I'm sorry you're in a bad place right now, MTF. No great advice is needed at all. Honestly, just having anything acknowledged is more than enough for me. Thank you for the support.

Jandoe -

Only now that I've started to take notice have I realized that I think I have this deep, instinctive fear of taking too much from people. I imagine them having only a certain reserve (so-to-speak) of tolerance and kindness for me, and I treat it like a savings account…I'm scared to tap into it for fear that I'll deplete it. So I never do. Anytime someone is kind to me, I scramble to back off, take the subject off me, and see what I can do to help the other person to make up for the kindness they just gave me, because I automatically assume that they had to go out of their way to be kind to me. Looking at it written out makes it seem like I think it's all on the other person, but I believe (even though I know it's convoluted) that it's me that makes people this way. And yes, it's easier just to be numb. That way, I won't think about how much this type of thinking isolates me from everyone and everything else.

Smiley -

You haven't upset me at all. Perhaps it's just because I'm the most numb when I'm busy.

I can't email my T. I actually don't even know her email. It doesn't matter to me, though, because I know that at this point, I would never reach out to her. I'm still in the stage of trying to believe that she believes all of the incredibly nice things she says to me. She gave me her cell phone number a few weeks ago after a particularly rough session, but even at that time when I felt more vulnerable than I have in a long time, I knew I would never call her and I told her this. Unfortunately, it would take something huge, major, to happen that would spur me to contact her at all.

Thank you for offering advice about my mother. It's been a long time since I've felt an emotional connection with her, though she really has no idea. It's been a long time since I've really opened up to her at all (until recently, in exasperation), but I don't think she realizes how much I've held back, either. So when she started pulling this incredible guilt trip on me, saying how depressed and torn apart she was feeling regarding our relationship, I felt myself getting angry, which of course I felt ashamed for. She had asked me questions about my therapy, then said that she wanted to help me, and though I was cautious, I decided to tell her a little bit. Very little, but I did. She was supportive for a few days (she had come to visit me), but then left abruptly and in tears with no explanation. Then a few days later was the conversation that sent me into a tailspin and just made me feel like a horrible daughter. The hard lesson of this is that I'm finding out that my extreme reluctance to tell her anything was there for a reason, despite anything my mother told me to assuage those fears. At least I'm starting to see that maybe I'm not completely fundamentally messed up, as I tend to tell my T.

Sarah -

Thank you so, so much.

STRM -

It does feel like crazy making. When I don't know what to believe from her, I just doubt myself even more, convinced that it must have been all my fault. Thank you to you (and everyone else) for reminding me that you're all here. It's so easy to feel completely alone and lost in all of this. Which is fine when I'm busy, but the minute I have a moment to myself, even though I can't find it within me to release emotions, I feel like I have a boa constrictor tightening around my chest.

Well, I've taken up enough time at work responding to this, but I wasn't sure when I'd be able to reply later. I just wanted to express my extreme gratitude to all of you. I'm so thankful to have this place, because I'm so far from asking and receiving this kind of support in my everyday life. I don't think I'd even be able to accept it. So thank you. And thank you for being persistent - maybe one day I'll accept that it's okay for me to ask for help.

Hi Kashley!

I'm on the run right now, but wanted to respond quick since I totally feel where you're coming from with the stress levels of having to move and do school, and on top of that no T. Goodness my dear, you deserve so many hugs!

What got me through packing thing was thinking I was packing up the pieces of my life I didn't need to see or deal with right now. And I told myself I would unpack as slowly as I needed. Guess what, it's been exactly one month and I'm still 3/4 packed. Oh well, I said slowly didn't I...

It is stressful and I 100% understand. I just started school the weekend of my move and boy has it been intense. But Kashley, you will make it. I know those words seem unreal but you will. I totally just wanted to crawl away and not deal with any of it and screw the consequences. But I pushed and pushed and pushed and finally popped out on the other end. Got everything out of old apartment at the literal last minute. Was achingly exhausted. And my schoolmates probably thought I was some kind of crazy (if they only knew, right)

I know the others have written beautifully supportive things, so I just want to say ditto to that and to keep us in the loop.

Can you write a letter, to your T to help you through it? That helps me when I'm missing her sometimes. Maybe even make it funner and get her a postcard with "thinking of you" or "wish you were here"?

I hope you take care. It's terrible to not have your mom being supportive either. But things will get back on the right side of the world soon.

Keep reaching out here until it does. And even after!!!!

(((((((Kashley)))))))

Hi Forlorn,

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. The most annoying part (or one of them, at least) about all of this is that I actually can't move into my room in my apartment until August 10th. It's an apartment complex meant for students, so they clean each room before the next renter moves in. Anyway, I have to be out of my place by Friday. I'm going to be living on my (new) roommate's couch for about 10 days while I finish up the last week of my summer classes. I am renting a small storage space to put most of my stuff in the meantime. It's such a hassle. And it feels so overwhelming.

I think I'm in this mood where I'm always on the edge. My former roommate did something fairly inconsiderate today, and though it wasn't that big of a deal, I just had a mini breakdown for about an hour before I could think of how to deal with it. Again, it wasn't a big deal, but I feel like that's all it's going to take these next couple weeks to send me into a million little tailspins. I'm trying not to be pessimistic about it, but it's hard.

I wish I had the guts to write a letter. Even if I were to write one and never give it to her...it's hard for me to acknowledge this dependency I feel even to myself, let alone to my T. A lot of times, like now, I berate myself for even feeling like I need my T.

Anyway, I have procrastinated enough. Thank you again...this all means so much to me.

I don't know if anything will be triggering, but I'll err on the side of caution and mention that it might be for some.

Ok, so I feel bad (what's new) for asking for help when I haven't helped others. But I know I need to reach out, despite the fact that I'm having to force my fingers to type this. The loneliness these past couple days has been staggering. I'm so overwhelmed. I had some bad thoughts last night...I was in a bad place for nearly the entire night, barely getting any sleep. I would never act on any of the suicidal thoughts I was having, but they were so strong. It scared me (and scares me now, because I feel on the brink again after being distracted for most of the day), because it feels so out of the blue.. I thought of methods. I understand that I have a lot on my plate, but I don't understand why it's thrown me so much and so drastically. I've had stress like this before, why can't I deal with it now?? These thoughts that I'm having...they're not me and I feel ashamed about them (but I would never judge others for them, please don't get me wrong).

Kashley,

I think it is fairly common to get into the kind of place you are in when in the midst of such stress and the absence of your T on top of that. Would you consider calling and talking to someone from the suicide prevention hotline. I realize that you don't intend to act on these feelings, but I also know how scary they are to have as I've been there myself. It can be really overwhelming and to not have your T available right now would be a very lonely place. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so alone and so down. Please post here as often as you need to. We are here for you.

Thank you STRM. I had my phone out to call, but I couldn't do it. I feel so lost right now.

Kashley,
How many more days until your T is back? Sounds like you are in a scary and uncomfortable place right now. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Try to remember that feelings change - it won't always feel this bad.

Kashley, If you could reach out and make the call it may help - even a little bit would feel better than where you are I'm guessing.

Either way, I hope you keep posting here for support.

kashley

Can you try again to make that call? Even if you say 'I can't talk right now, but just want to know that someone is there and talking to me'.

Seablue is so right kashley, feelings do change, but right now you could do with some extra help. It is not being weak either, it's simply doing what's best for you.

(((kashley)))

starfish

Seablue, Starfish - thank you endlessly.

I haven't called, but that's because the thoughts are gone. At least temporarily. And I feel more numb, too. But I'm almost positive that's because I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning packing and distracting myself while I try to get tired enough to sleep. I see my T in exactly 2 weeks from today. If I do end up feeling again like I have been lately, I will call the hotline. Or I'll try even harder this time. It scares me so much to call. The suicidal thoughts have been so strong when I've experienced them these past two days. I guess my defenses against my emotions that have been in place for so long are wearing thin - especially with the added stress. This just feels like more than what would be from what's happening in this moment.

Thank you for being here for me.

Kashley - I can understand those feelings. I have never called a hotline, mostly because I was always afraid they would send the police and stuff to my house right away and take me to the hospital! Ya know talking on the phone and then you hear them banging on your door? That would be scarier for me then actually killing myself! Anyway, I know how dark those feelings can become and I hope you could reach out to someone at that time even if it isn't the hotline. Glad to hear you are feeling a little better right now.

((((kashley))))

i called a hotline once - it took me three tries to say anything. in the end, i told em i had the thoughts, i didn't want to live, the pain was too much - and i said maybe i just needed to talk and try to get through it but I wasn't sure what to do. and they really helped... they tend to only send folks if you have a serious plan and are really gonna act on it. they know such a thing is really traumatic in and of itself. just to be sure, i still called from my car away from home, yet all the same, they explained that they don't send people out often and when they do, it's just because they want to make sure you stay alive... so it's ok to call and just say hey, I;ve been having these thoughts - even if you say they are gone now, and i'm scared they will come back (if you are) - they told me they get that all the time... they were really helpful for me in riding it out until i could see my t. they helped me feel a little hope too when things were so dark.

pls know it's an option, and it wasn't as scary or hard once i got on the line with them - and i felt so scared to call. they are really used to that. in fact, my first words were "hi, i dunno what to say..."

either way, i'm so glad you are posting and you are still fighting and staying in there. oh, that pain is so awful that you are in... my heart goes out to you. you are deeply cared for.

another option - there are a few online chat "hotlines" too my old T gave me once... I'll see if i can find the links again...

Having everyone's support here has been so valuable. I'll even have trouble telling my T about any of this, let alone a friend. I don't know where I'd be if I weren't able to reach out to you all.

I must be stuck in a rut, because I'm in a small lag time during my day, and I feel like I'm sinking again. Even in just this hour or two of down time. I have to study for a very long time this evening (with a friend), so that will keep me distracted. However, in some ways, it makes it worse afterward. It's kind of hard to explain, but it just makes everything so much more confusing and disorienting. I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle, spiraling down. And the more I go down, the more emotions I begin to feel, and it gets that much worse. This keeps me from being able to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time, but the less sleep I get, the more easily I seem to fall.

I apologize for not giving any support to others, especially considering how supportive you all are for me. I have been reading when I get the chance, so I guess all I can say is that my support is just silent right now. You all are so incredible. Janedoe and Smiley, thank you. I hope that if I will be able to call, because from what I'm hearing, I think it will do me a lot of good. I just have to get over that first massive hump.

Kashley,

I know it is so hard to pick up the phone and make a call like that, but please do try if you are feeling alone and scared with these thoughts. I know for me that when I don't get any sleep that all of the overwhelm is much harder to deal with. Please remember that we are all here for you and care about you. This bad place that you are in won't last forever even though it feels like it might.

Kashley - great to hear from you again. I think you are really insightful.

quote:

And the more I go down, the more emotions I begin to feel, and it gets that much worse. This keeps me from being able to get more than a few hours of sleep at a time, but the less sleep I get, the more easily I seem to fall

sleep is so really important to feeling ok... lack of sleep biochemically makes us much more emotionally vulnerable and depletes us and our brain in all kinds of ways. the good thing is that we can get through it and recover from it. i got stuck in a cycle once and the worse I got emotionally, the less I slept, and the less I slept, the more I slid downhill. It happened once when I was in school... eventually I finally I started to get some rest and that helped a lot. Maybe now, while things are tough, and you can't get the sleep you want, don't worry about it but just try to keep in mind that some of what you are feeling may be super hightened by lack of sleep. In time, hopefully soon, things will calm done enough and you will be able to get some good rest and feel better.

many many hugs your way

Kashly I'm sorry you are feeling so down and struggling with scary thoughts and feelings. I agree with janedoe and STRM about sleep or lack of it. It makes us less able to deal with those feelings that come up. We are tired and have less tolerance and resistance. I know your T is away and that is making this doubly hard for you. Does your T allow contact when she's away?

Please if you do feel like you are unsafe make that call to the crisis line. There are wonderful people who will listen to you. Our own AG works a crisis line and I'm sure she can vouch for the other caring and concerned people who are there to help and want to help.

Another thought would be to make an appointment to see your general practioner MD. Maybe he/she can give you something to help relieve some of what you are dealing with (which I am very familiar with myself). Or it could be just talking to him/her will help you feel connected with another caring person who understands just how difficult life can get sometimes. It may be enough to get you feeling stronger and more able to deal until your T returns.

Of course, please post to us and let us know how you are doing and how you are handling things. We care and we do believe you are strong enough to beat this temporary sinking feeling. If you were not a strong person you would not be in therapy or sharing your feelings and thoughts here with us. This shows me that you have a very strong pull towards life and healing and I know that once you are over this hump you will continue your healing journey.

Sending you hugs
TN

I am just constantly amazed at how kind and understanding you all are to me.

The whole lack of sleep thing just makes everything hard. I will try and call if I find myself in a very bad place again. My T normally would answer if I were to call, but she's out of the country, so I wouldn't be able to get a hold of her. I am now wishing that I'd had the time to talk to her about the concerns I had prior to her leaving, but it was so last minute. She only had the arrangements made recently as well, but it doesn't change the fact that having a week's warning kind of sucks. The thing is, I can't ever imagine calling her. I just have no clue how to reach out like that. I worry about expecting, hoping, and taking too much. It may seem so cowardly, but the thought of calling her scares me beyond belief. If I am still having troubling handling things, I will maybe contact my GP. I hadn't even thought of that, so thank you TN.

I will be over the first hurdle of moving by tomorrow - hopefully I can keep it together. Thank you a million times over.

I just wanted to add that I'm sending big hugs to everyone, too, because I know a great many of you are dealing with tons of stuff right now. Even more reason for me to be thankful for all of the support that I have been given.

Hi Kashley,
I just wanted to drop in real quick (I evidently suck at this break thing! ) and tell you two things.

1) You're doing nothing wrong and everything right in reaching out for support here. Life can bring great pain, but the love we find in our connections is the answer to that pain. But unfortunately, so many of us learned differently as children.

2)Please, if you find yourself in a dark place again, feel free calling a crisis line. As TN said (thanks TN!)I volunteer on one and I can say from experience that the people who man the line are an incredible bunch of people who really do deeply care about helping the person on the other end of the line. I am honored and humbled to be counted among them. And they won't call anyone if you talk about thoughts of killing yourself. We spent two out of eight three hour training sessions dealing with suicide, and the training focused on teaching us to be comfortable discussing the subject and hearing someone's feelings about it. It can be such a difficult subject to discuss because of people's reactions, but the truth is that the most helpful thing for someone contemplating that step is to be ABLE to talk about it. I know our crisis line is completely confidential, and the only time we would call anyone, such as 911, is if we thought that you were in immediate and close to certain danger of actually killing yourself. So please if you find yourself in a dark place,struggling with those feelings, call. That's what they're there for.

AG

Kashley - yeah, it really really stinks your T is gone and you had little time to prepare. In spite of that, you've made it pretty far already! Ok, so I know that it has miserable, but I see so much beauty aand strength in how you are walking through this day by day.

Keep just trying to take it one day at a time... I'm sorry for this sounding so horribly trite, but it will get better... it really will... and I'm saying that in the middle of my own panic and mess - and I know it will get better because it has before...

quote:

I worry about expecting, hoping, and taking too much. It may seem so cowardly, but the thought of calling her scares me beyond belief.

So do I! oh, I could have written that myself... I don't think it's cowardly, NOT AT ALL, but honest and real. It's hard to admit you are hurting and to reach out. It's scary to wonder if it is too much. You are so not alone in that.

I just recently told my T that I would be too afraid to call her or her back up person while she is on vacation, or even when she is in town. My T assured me she wouldn't offer if it was asking for too much and that if I ever did ask for too much, she would tell me... I'm guessing that is true with your T too. Try not to do your T's boundary setting and thinking for your T. If she's as good as she sounds, I'm pretty sure she would tell you if you asked for too much - and I really don't think you are at all.

oh, I hope this doesn't come across badly. Kashley, I just think you are awesome and my heart goes out to you. Keep hanging in there.

p.s.
AG - you made me smile I was hoping someday you would comment about your experience volunteering! Well said AG. Good for everyone to keep in mind for themselves and anyone they care about that those crisis lines are really helpful resource and there for a reason and used to people in tough places and they really rarely do send folks out (and even if they do, it's worth it.) Call if you need! They know people get into dark places sometimes and they WANT to help - that's why they are there...

kashley,

I hope the move went well and that you are hanging on in there, hug and thoughts to you,

starfish

I just wanted to pop in really quick with a huge thanks. I got all of my stuff out (and my security deposit back -- always nice). The place was furnished, but it was still difficult moving and cleaning everything out by myself.

Now I'm finding that I'm feeling a lot of self-hatred toward how I was earlier in the week. Mainly I think it's because, in my 'numbed state,' I can't feel empathy toward how I felt, so then I disregard it with self-hatred. But, of course, I doubt myself too much to stick with that explanation.

I figure I'll just try to come right out and be open and say that I feel completely inadequate and incompetent to respond to anything right now. Even though I logically know that what I felt before was real, I still think of all of your support as something I stole. You're all so readily giving. Ugh, I feel like I sound like such a broken record. Just know that I appreciate all you have given me more than I'll ever be able to say, and I wish I were capable of giving back in the same way.

kashley,

Well done for getting through the move, that's some ordeal.

quote:

I still think of all of your support as something I stole. You're all so readily giving. Ugh, I feel like I sound like such a broken record. Just know that I appreciate all you have given me more than I'll ever be able to say, and I wish I were capable of giving back in the same way.

Oh I'm sorry you feel like that kashley. You haven't stolen anything at all, because it was freely given out of care for you, when you really needed it. And I know that you have so willingly given likewise to others here on many, many occasions (to myself included) so no guilty feelings there needed at all.

Keep posting kashley, please let us know how you're getting on (((kashley)))

starfish

K,

I agree with Starfish. You can't steal something that is freely given. It's impossible. You have given to us freely as well, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. We each have our struggles where we have to take, and times where we can give. That's how it goes, and we all know that here. I'm glad you're doing a bit better and have made it past the move. Please be gentle on yourself! And do keep us posted.

Hugs,
MTF

Thank you Starfish and MTF. I'm finding it hard not to just retreat right now. I'm just in this downswing where everything I do/say/think seems wrong and completely fake. And it feels like I'm being fake to myself and to everyone else. It's so confusing. Thanks for being here and listening to me. I never realized how long this break would feel.

K,

Sounds like you've got some defenses in place or something. Some self-protective mode you're in and you're aware of it this time. I don't know, I could be wrong. Sorry you're still struggling, girl. Time always seems to drag on when we want it to hurry up and fly by. Hang in there, K. You've done a good job so far!

MTF