This compassion, like for a lot of us here, is something so new and almost alien-like.
I'm worried however, that these feelings of loneliness will pervade too much in my daily life.
For instance, today, on the way back home, I felt low, lonely, sad, I had to let out my sadness on the train and cry. I was thinking of T and the hurt on leaving her...the realization that I don't let myself go because of fear of feeling loss which has happened so many times in my childhood along with disappointments that I've become extremely emotionally sensitive to it.
I see T next week and I trust she will be there...but I'm starting to worry that I'm 'regressing' into a sort of infant like state where I want her there all the time and even just weekly waits will be too much for me to handle.
All my life I have been in seclusion and I'm simply worried that these feelings that I cannot deal with too well (at all!) will pour out and I will start to feel chaotic etc.
As an example of how it gets, I became suicidal when I had to leave for University in another county. I didn't realize it at the time as it threw me but I had an extremely strong transference to T. I had never been suicidal before but those 2 weeks...well, the first week started off as depression which made me feel entirely empty, very alone in which I panicked a bit...I didn't know how to deal with such strong feelings. The 2nd week consisted of being bed ridden out of depression that came over me very quickly, suicidal thoughts/gestures/attempt to starvation upon one day, self-harming and texts to friends worried that I wouldn't make it. I didn't end up going to Uni. The feelings were too much. I thought I was going to die.
I've told T this.
I'm getting to a point where I'm slowly realizing how pathetic my parents were and how unloving and selfish they were blah blah. But above this, which makes me worry a lot, is that throughout childhood, I don't think I had one single good role model. The family I loved lived in America (I'm in the UK)so the happiness there was rare felt. Teachers yes, but I never got close to them. And now as I've grown older I've realized that even my family in America arn't at all that great. They've kept secrets and are the type of family who brush emotions of conflict under the carpet. They're all insecure and not emotional enough to understand what I go through. I feel cut off..
I mean..when you start to realize the tragedies in your life, how real they were, were you ever worried if you'd fly off the handle so to speak? I'm worried that there will be too much emotional flooding because I have also realized that the reasons why I feel so much in conflict ever day is because there's that inner child girl who wants Mum and Dad and then there's the robust, adult, attempting to be responsible because thats what society asks. It's a quick world out there...
What do you do when you get those moments of new emotions that you feel you cannot handle or are scared of? Do you spend time with friends? Watch a movie? Write?
I'd just like to know because I think I've been raeching some good crossroads lately but scary ones too.
And I've been indifferent to my abuse most of my life, preferring solitude over anything else to help me through tough times. Solitude and intellectualization. Well now I think some of that might be breaking away and I'm noticing how EXTREMELY emotionally sensitive I am to rejection, abandonment especially, all that..
I feel a bit pathetic writing this because all of us on here have gone through this and are going through it. I guess I'm just starting to realize that the indifference I have is a result of actually surpassing such strong emotions in order to survive. To go back and deal with those emotions is a very hard and almost impossible phase to be going through.
Any advice on how I could help myself when strong emotions might come to the surface is greatly appreciated
Thank you 
