Hi Catalyst,

I can relate to your struggle. I have had feelings of feeling "infectious" or "toxic" to people in my life too. I sometimes feel like I am not good enough or that my mere existence is damaging and have left relationships with people I so entirely love because of fear of hurting them with me.

Despite the fact that most people in my life and in my close relationships actually enjoy me and actually want me around and want to connect, I usually don't get too close to anyone. For me it boils to my core belief about my self-worth. I often wish I could see myself through other peoples eyes. I might actually like myself.

((gg)) Does your T say anything particularly helpful with the toxic stuff? Both of my Ts respond playfully but compassionately. It's particularly hard because I do a lot of touch (somatic) work with them. That's an interesting idea, to see ourselves through someone else's eyes... I've always rather assumed that even the people who like me are just restraining themselves. In my growing up it was like that, my parents told me they did not like me very often. I'm unlearning it... and it seems to go up and down.

((MC)) Thank you for the reassurance. Isolating is not a good thing... sigh, my T said something along the same lines and printed out a really cheesy article for me about humans being social animals, etc. At least she knows but buttons there... liking to know it's a "right" and "morally legal" thing to do with some basis. It's ok to say things that are easier said than done it helps get creative I suppose for the little I can do. You've helped me a lot. Can I be honest? I have no clue what it looks or feels like for someone to have earned my trust. I know I DO trust, I'm just not sure how I would identify it... I'm sure there isn't an easy way knowing emotions.. It is hard to do things we don't normally do - and congrats on pushing yourself also! I know when I joined a social/art group early in my therapy it made my T tear up... it's crazy that something like that was so profound at the time. I'm thankful for what you told me you're doing... it reminds me I've made progress, too. I did group therapy in my ED program.. I never thought it would be okay and it was. I'm still unsure which parts of me are okay to share, or which I'd even want to.


I've gone in to a bit of a cocoon... purposefully avoiding calling T to leave a message to get support, wanting to cancel plans I have for tomorrow w/ a friend, haven't left my house all day despite busying myself (which puts me at risk for spirals, so after I write I need to go for a walk... sigh), feeling embarrassed about this rather intensely right now.

T asked me what it would be like to 'wash out' the feeling I have of invasion (as if every cell in me is teeming with parts of my parents)... and all I could visualize was ripping my skin off. T said in a follow up session that she wrote down I'd used the word invaded, and what did I think people did when they felt that way... I was in a "little" place at the time and I replied with something and also 'they shrink' (to get away). I can't visualize it any how else, I know some people fight or freeze... in my mind I evaporate.

No surprise I'm having ED issues right now.

There is a part of me resistant to finding relationships, especially romantically... because it reminds me that if I want a relationship... I have to take care of me. I can't be open to the new things I want to do if I'm not eating, self harming, etc. So I know my eating disorder and shame pull me back and say 'Hey... aren't we your friends? Please don't leave..." and they are comfortable... and this is risky... and as my T says these sorts of things 'die hard' and they are. I feel pulled in two directions. While it's so intense and terrifying and painful and I have 1000 reasons not to make an attempt at anything screaming in my brain.. I have to try. I don't want a relationship where I'm not taking care of me... because I want to BE there for the relationship.

It's a lot to work out, and embarrassing to admit that part of the difficulty is sacrificing comfort.

Hi MC

Do you have people in your lives who do not encourage your self-hate? For me it is often those who treat me well, it can actually trigger suicidal feelings... out of no where. It's a flashback of some sort, emotionally.

You're brave to read books, I will occasionally look at articles but I've never fully read a therapy book because I find them triggering and it muddies my therapy. I've taken DBT therapy before, and still see my T who specializes though we do something else now. It was for my ED treatment. It's helped a lot w/ controlling the self hate... sorta. Maybe that is like what is in your book?

I'm sorry you've been burned where your health issues are concerned. I've been so fortunate with my therapists... most of the stuff I Deal with is past related.

Thank you ((MC))