(((TAS)))
I was trying to be more openminded than I feel but, after reading Monte's post, I have to say I really second what she wrote. I've had similar issues in my own therapy. My therapist changed some boundaries and now we have a great relationship. Now we can work on the hard stuff. Oh, but getting to that point wasn't easy either and was very important stuff to work through.
I also agree with Monte with her TOO MUCH PAIN statement. Some therapists think that therapy is super painful. It is painful. But I think they might tend to minimize TOO MUCH PAIN and write it off to the experience. I've had two therapists tell me therapy shouldn't be THAT painful. You should be able to function in between sessions.
I think what really bothers me the most, and this is just my opinion, is not whether your therapist is right about the contact or not, but that he doesn't offer anyone outside contact says something
to me about his level of commitment to his patients and his ability to care. He is entitled to have any boundaries he wants but I'm just saying how I would view that.
My own therapist has a 24/7 contact policy but he does not advertise it in the least. In fact, the first couple of years I was with him, he didn't seem to encourage any outside contact at all. There were a couple of scary things I went through psychologically out of session that had never happened to me before. When I told him about them, he just took it all in. He never said, "Liese, that sounded really frightening. You could have called me." I thought he was a cold, disconnected SOB.
Somehow it came up in a conversation that he is available 24/7 and that it was part of the job to him. This little piece of knowledge transformed my view of him from a cold and uncaring person to this incredibly dedicated, caring therapist who "got it". Someone who gets how hard it is to contain these incredibly intense emotions to just 45 minutes once a week on command. It doesn't matter that I have never contacted him in the middle of the night. But, just knowing that he would be there for someone who might need it, tells me what I need to know about him that helps me feel safe.
The problem now is that you don't know what to do. Do you believe your T and the people here who say you need to respect his boundaries? Or do you believe the others who say he should give you what you need and you should fight for it?
My big fear for you is that if you concede this point and stay with him, you could lose any sense of trust in yourself and trust in your needs. You
need to have that sense of integrity. You should continue to hammer away at this issue until it's clear to you what is good for you and you feel resolved about your decision. Otherwise, you will feel an incredible loss of personal power. That just doesn't sound like a good thing. And, I could be doing a lot of projecting here so take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Personally, I don't see a problem with sending the letter. It might save a lot of time if he reads it before session. He could choose to not read it until your session. Again, it's the same problem here. Your work with him is making you second-guess every move you make. Therapy should help you learn how to trust in yourself.
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This is what I don't understand. The Therapist does something like this and in the same breath, asks "What feelings are coming up?" That confuses me even more because I am so thrown by all of this.
My last therapist worked like this and it just didn't work for me. I wasn't ready for it and you probably aren't either. It's only now - and I'm almost 6 years in - that I can work like that. I felt very invalidated when she would say things like that, as if what was happening to me wasn't real.