I don't think that makes you an awful, rotten person at all. I often send T texts about my feelings in order to be able to let go of them and live my life a bit more.

I think, in your position, I do it in a way where I can be sure I'm not being misunderstood, like:

"I'm not expecting you to do anything about this right now and I don't nee a response, but I just need to say it, so I deal better with the week ahead and not be stewing on it." Otherwise, I get myself worked up about if I have hurt my T or if he feels like he HAS to respond or I am demanding changes from him, then I feel mean or manipulative and start the self-loathing stuff. However, if I'm really up front about owning my feelings and my lack of expectation on him, it usually helps to text my hurt feelings to him.

I'm sorry he was so giddy. I can understand why he was, but still, I get that. I had a session where I got really upset and T was just in a playful mood, shaking this little monkey rattle someone left in his office at me and making me feel completely like he was just trying to distract me from my pain instead of deal with how I was feeling. Yuck. I appreciated his playfulness as an attempt, but it wasn't helpful at the time.

Yaku,

I really like your reply. If I preface it with the fact that I'm not expecting an answer and I'm not trying to ruin his vacation, it'll ease some of my guilt. BUT leaving a message will FEEL good and will be taking care of me and obviously, he is taking care of himself. And, he didn't seem too worried about my pain yesterday while he is going to be away.

I just wrote out what I wanted to say. I guess what it all comes down to is emotional abandonment, yes? I actually think this is the point he's trying to make about my H.

My H and I went to see his mother yesterday, who was transferred from a hospital to a nursing home. She was upset because she thought she wasn't going to get rehab anymore and we were just dumping her with the alzheimers patients. So H and I went to go see her to try to calm her down. H goes on a long-winded intellectual explanation as to why she is where she is. And his Mom just sat there. Finally, I said, "it was scary today moving to a new place, wasn't it?" and she said, "yes, it was very scary." And then I said, "well, they are just settling you in here today. And tomorrow, they are going to start your rehab again. You made so much progress in the hospital and you are going to continue to make more. This place is really nice. Maybe you can give it a week and see if you like it. If not, we can find another place for you." I hate to float my own boat but she was so much calmer after I talked to her and I realized that my H either didn't get the emotional issues or didn't want to address them with her. It was very enlightening.

It would have felt so much nicer if T had met me on an emotional level too!!! Sometimes I think he won't let me email him because I have such a hard time saying things to him in person or even on the phone. But I am totally guessing here. I do leave him voicemails occasionally when I can't summon up the courage to say things to him in person or I get really mad at him.

So I do have to be totally honest here. I was just thinking to myself, what if he doesn't check his voicemails while he's gone? And, then I felt a little pissed off again, like I'd be holding in all my anger until he got back, even if I left the message but I knew somehow that he didn't get it until he got back. And, so I AM getting some satisfaction in the fact the I think he would get the message before he left on his trip as opposed to after he came back. I wouldn't get the same release. And, so am I being evil and spiteful? On the other hand, we do, afterall, affect each other in relationships. And he just wasn't there emotionally for me yesterday. And, I pay him to be there for me. And, so is it really fair that he didn't meet me on an emotional level yesterday and then he gets to go away with impunity? Well, I guess if he's not going to check his voicemails while he's away, that's his choice and that's him taking care of him. So, will I be able to find the release I am looking for if I just leave the voicemail but am not sure when he will get it? Can I just hold this anger for 10 days? Should I hold the anger for 10 days? Is there another way to set it aside until he gets back?

I think you should do whatever you need to do in order to take care of your needs and not worry so much about how T will respond or how he will cope.

PS. WTF is it with Ts getting all giggly before they go on vacation? T2 did the same thing. It annoyed the hell out of me.

Oh, LG, so glad my T is not the only one who was giggly. What did you do? Did you let it go? I really felt like he wasn't there for me.

Hi Liese... yes there is another way to deal with your anger and I think it would be less harmful to you in the long run. You could post here for one thing, which is what you are doing, and that is good. And you can write him a letter explaining how you feel now, how he made you feel in session, why you felt you needed to have the email option open and anythiing else you need to say to him. Then read it to him when he gets back and you are in session with him.

If you leave that vm you are setting yourself up for ten days of torture... wondering if he heard it before leaving and didn't respond, if he heard it and got mad at you, if he heard it and didn't give a shit, if he didn't hear it and you left it for nothing, or if you left it to be spiteful and ruin his vacation, and then you may regret doing it and you cannot "take it back". I think leaving a vm would cause you more anguish and more issues.

The crux of the matter here is, once again, your T does not understand attachment. Oh, he may give it lip service but if he truly understood attachment he would never have denied you that email option. And I do think that if you had the option to email him and you left him in a good place.. you would not even use the option. You would be feeling secure and comfortable in the relationship. Even oldT who was shaky on the attachment stuff allowed me to email him on his first 3 vacations.

My T now tells me that when he goes on vacation he assumes he will have to deal with abandonment issues of some of his clients for the session before he goes and then when he gets back he deals with the anger issues. He also gives us permission to email or even call for an emergency. He says he trusts his clients not to disturb him unless they REALLY need to and he does not define that. It's up to us. It's feels good that he trusts me to decide. I was fine when he went on vacation in March. I missed him for sure but I felt secure and not abandoned at all.

I have a question. When he denied your request for email, did he explain? Did he hear all your feelings about this and give you a good, therapeutic response and explanation?

The other thing that disturbs me is that he made the session too much about him and tried to distract you from talking about your anger and abandonment feelings due to his leaving you for a vacation. The fact that he went on and on talking about the FUN he was going to have on vacation when you were struggling and have already told him how this affects you... that is outright abuse on his part! And THAT makes me very angry! He was not putting your needs first.

I'm sorry for being so harsh about this but he really hurt you and that is not forgiveable.

I hope you can find some solace here with us while he is gone. Keep posting your feelings.

Hugs
TN

quote:

Originally posted by Liese:
Oh, LG, so glad my T is not the only one who was giggly. What did you do? Did you let it go? I really felt like he wasn't there for me.

Yeah, I just internally rolled my eyes and let it go. She was all giggly and excited about her trip and how she had found a really cool messenger bag for her trip. I was disappointed in myself not being able to just be happy for her. I feel like I must not truly love her if I can't just be happy for her but instead felt resentment and jealousy. Seeing her so excited about her messenger bag made T into a real person....a person with a life outside of therapy. A person who gets excited about silly things like messenger bags and being packed a week before her trip. Much like myself, actually. I hated her for that.

I was also upset to hear that your T was giggly and excited about his vacation, while you were asking for email contact and dealing with abandonment issues, which are extremely painful feelings to feel. If you were clear, and not hiding your feelings from him (pretending to be fine) than his response is terrible, and you need to discuss it with him. But, if you were laughing along and pretending to be fine, then I guess that is the lesson- to be more honest and real with your feelings.

quote:

And, so there I was, trying to be real about how I'm going to miss him and I know he's not going to miss me and yes, I have to deal with it and he's on a completely different emotional level first of all because of his medical emergency and secondly because of his vacation. It really sucked. Frowner I am so angry at him. Mad

Do you mean that you actually *said* all these feelings out loud, and expressed them directly to him, and he was *still* just acting giggly and excited about his vacation? Because in that case if you were not just thinking it, but actually *said it out loud* -you have every right to be extremely angry. I agree with what TN has said. Don't bother to torture yourself by leaving him a vm that he may or may not hear. Write about all of your feelings about this and present it to him when he retruns. And watch his response to those feelings very carefully.
And in the meantime, vent your anger here, or let us support you with it. Start a thread asking for daily support with the break, where you can express all of your feelings daily.

(((((Liese)))))

BB

It's sounding to me like TN has the right idea here (and probably a better grasp on your T's history than I do). If it is not just about getting the stuff out, but having it really heard and received and addressed and processed together with your T, I think bringing it into your next session would be DEFINITELY the way to go.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

TN, You are probably right about the attachment stuff. I asked him if I could email him and he said he won't be reading any emails. He's just turning his brain off. He didn't give me a good therapeutic answer or reason. It was about what he needed, to rest. Would your T give you a therapeutic reason?

It just doesn't make any sense from a logical standpoint to not allow these things. What if he said, yes you can email but only if you feel really bad. I'm going to trust you with this because I know you will only email me if you really need to or you are really in crisis. Or go ahead and email me if you need to but I'm not going to answer because I won't be checking my emails.

I was really hoping that he would help me explore ways I could feel connected with him but I feel like it fell short. Well, he did tell me to pretend I was having a session with him. I made a face at that one. And, he did offer to set up an appointment with another therapist in the group. I turned that one day. I'm not sure what I really wanted. What would have made me feel good and connected? If he'd let me email but forewarned me that he couldn't respond? Would that have been okay?

I guess I also don't get why he told me to ask for things but twice now he's said no. I guess it's supposed to be a safe place to hear no. But what the heck can I ask for that he will say yes to???? Obviously so far I haven't been able to think of anything that is permissible to him, except for the 2 weekly sessions.

LG, I feel the same way. I know that my response to this whole thing isn't very loving towards my T. It's all about me. I also know in a "real" relationship, it would be loving of me to let the person go and relax without interruption if that is what they needed. but this isn't a "real" relationship. Part of my "problem" is always catering to everyone else's needs. Being polite. Being cautious. Knowing how I would feel in a certain situation. I think I have to learn to look after my needs. That's part of my problem, not being in touch with my own needs and feelings. And so, what I was trying to do during the session was to acknowlege my needs and his needs. But, it just didn't go the way I wanted it to go. I too have a hard time coping with the fact that my T has an outside life and probably has lots of fun without me very often while I am pretty miserable most of the time. Maybe I am idealizing his life but that's what I think.

BB,

I actually said to him, "and this is where I feel vulnerable, that I am the one missing you and you will not be missing me." And he said, It's okay to miss me. It was Julia Robert's line straight out of Eat, Pray, Love: so miss me, she said to her ex-husband.

I'm just not really getting the point. The last time he went away, I couldn't acknowledge how attached I was to him or how hard it would be. I really thought I was being mature by admitting that I will miss him and how vulnerable it will make me feel. I guess I thought I'd get some kind of prize for sharing that with him. But I didn't. Is the prize a gift to myself? I know that the vulnerability in this relationship is due to us doing all the needing, the loving, the missing. I had a fantasy that it is actually a gift to myself that I am allowing myself to stay in a relationship wherein I FEEL so vulnerable, that there is going to be something therapeutic about me loving and me missing and me needing and not being NEEDED back. But just when I thought I was going to get rewarded somehow by him for allowing these feelings, he just wasn't there for me on an emotional level.

Yaku, thanks again for supporting.

Speaking again of separation and individuation, does anyone out there think from that standpoint, these angry feelings of not getting needs met are actually important to be felt?

I think there may be a difference between "it is okay to miss me" and "so miss me." i know the failure to connect was rough and your t does sound like he may have already been checked out when you saw him, but his response about missing him may have been related to you feeling what you were feeling and being okay with feeling it rather than denying the feeling or masking it or trying to be rid of it and that acknowledging it and being with it would be better than the other things.

UV and Stoppers,

Thanks for weighing in. Stoppers, for what it's worth, I agree with you. It wasn't meant in the way Julia Roberts meant it in the movie. I was just being dramatic!!!!

Anyway, I feel freer tonight, my emotions a little less tethered to this man. It is a beautiful night here and so my 4 year old and I bought a kayak and brought it down to the beach. We went for a little paddle right before sunset. It was a beautiful evening. In a little while, I have my book group, which is always a ton of fun. So lots to look forward to. I have so many things I want to do next week and now have more free time, since I'm not seeing T twice and won't be exhausted from the toll therapy takes. So, I feel really good about what I want to accomplish next week.

UV, I do agree that it is sad that I can't celebrate the fact that my T was fine. But to be honest, the same thing happened to my leg and the first thing they always check for is a blood clot. You know, CYA. My leg got swollen from an injury and so did T's. And, so, I'd been through what he went through. Was his joy an overreaction? Maybe, maybe not. I told him that the same thing happened to me. I'm not sure he remembered because it happened a long time ago, probably before I began to see him but I know I told him the story!!!

Anyway, I was just hoping the focus would be on me and how I was going to cope. I was really trying to be empathic to my needs and his needs. I know he wants to get away and relax. I wasn't even sure I needed him to answer my emails. I just wanted to feel connected to him. But when he said he wasn't reading any emails, I got intimidated and didn't pursue the conversation further.

We really hadn't talked much about his trip. He told me 4 sessions ago. After he told me about his trip, I came in the 3 sessions ago and said, "it will be hard for me but if you promise to have warm thoughts for me when you are away, I will be okay." He said that he would think of me on Monday at 12 and Thursday at 1:30 when I usually have my sessions. And we talked about the time change. He thought it was two hours and I said it was three.

And, so yesterday, he offered that he would think of me at 10 on Monday and 1 on Thursday. So, I said, no it would be 9 on Monday. And then he said, oh, well, 9, I don't know if I'll be up. Of course, I was extremely jealous about the thought of him going out late, going out with a woman, or just plain ole doing anything without me. He's going on a PA conference because he teaches two psychology classes for a physicians assistant program. So he's probably not paying for the trip but he told me that he's really not going to be going to any of the seminars anyway, that this is a vacation for him. I have no idea who he is going with, obviously someone from the college that he teaches at.

And, so, rather than express my jealousy, I said, oh, no, you will be up at 9 because it'll noon here and you won't have enough time to adjust to the time change until the end of the trip. And that made him laugh even more. It WAS a really odd session.

I't's the third time within the last 2 or 3 months that I can recall when I've shared something really intimate with him, difficult things for me to tell him and I didn't feel as though he was there for me emotionally. I DID feel emotionally abandoned. The first time, I really wigged out. That was when I told him about the rape. I left a series of voicemails for him and when I finally went in to see him, he just said that he was trying to understand what happened, what I went through. And he acknowledged that I wanted empathy from him. It happened again actually not that long ago when I also revealed some difficult feelings and the fact that I'd cried all weekend about the feelings. He said something sort of appropriate but definitely not emotional. He did not meet me on an emotional level.

And, the same thing yesterday. I think my Dad was and my H is emotionally unavailable and so the reasonable person in me thinks he is trying to teach me what it feels like when someone isn't there emotionally for you. I don't know. I just think I'm going to have to talk to him and tell him that I need him to meet me at that emotional level or else I can't work with him anymore.

And, so UV, I'm glad you are okay and you are coping!!! I didn't call my T tonight because I felt strangely calm. And then I decided that I have to find another therapist because I am head over heals for him and he is unavailable to me and I need to move on and work with a woman therapist. I guess my emotions have been all over the map tonight!!!

So, ya all, I hope everyone else is doing okay out there. Thanks for being there today. It was a rough day!!! Thanks for advising me not to call T. I'm glad I didn't!!!

quote:

Your therapist thought he was going to die. i do not agree your therapist is abusive because he is so thankful and happy to be alive, and did not make therapy 'all about you' one time.

UV... I think you misunderstood what I was discussing here. I was not discussing the fact that he was happy to be alive. I was referring to the fact the Liese told him it is upsetting for her to hear about his personal life and she was struggling with the fact that he was going away on a vacation... and what did he do? He kept talking about his vacation and all the FUN he was going to have. This caused Liese a fair amount of anguish and pain and THAT is abusive, aside from being unethical in self-disclosing for his own benefit and not for Liese's.

And IF he understood attachment and felt he HAD to deny her email access he could have heard her out and then made another offer to help her through the interim time. He could have given her a transitional object, he could have written her a note of encouragement. He could have told her to call his office vm to hear his voice. He could have loaned her a book of his to read while he was gone. There are a ton of things he could have offered her to help her through the separation. But because he does not understand attachment and the pain Liese was in he did nothing. And perhaps your T went away and offered nothing to you but that does not make it right either.

There are many very good psychodynamic T's on here that do offer their attachment injured clients something to help them through vacations. What is the harm in that? Having us tough it out alone just reenacts our childhoods when we had to tough everything out alone.

This is my opinion and I will stand by it as the more compassionate and humane way to handle vacations and IF I ever make it through grad school and become a T this is how I would handle it.

TN

quote:

Anyway, I feel freer tonight, my emotions a little less tethered to this man. It is a beautiful night here and so my 4 year old and I bought a kayak and brought it down to the beach. We went for a little paddle right before sunset. It was a beautiful evening. In a little while, I have my book group, which is always a ton of fun. So lots to look forward to. I have so many things I want to do next week and now have more free time, since I'm not seeing T twice and won't be exhausted from the toll therapy takes. So, I feel really good about what I want to accomplish next week.

Liese... I'm glad you are feeling freer and your emotions are calmer tonight. Beautiful weather and the ocean to help with that.

I'm glad you didn't call.

I'm sorry your T did not meet you emotionally. I think if he did then you would not have even really minded the no email. You just needed for him to understand why it was so important to keep some kind of connection. I totally get that. My T does too, thankfully.

I don't know if you need a male or female T, you just need a T that is okay with your attachment to them and feels that is normal and acceptable so you can feel free to experience a healthy attachment w/o the worry and guilt and having to worry and be empathic to your T's feelings!

Please keep posting here. Maybe do a countdown thread like STRM does to help you get through the separation.

Hugs
TN

This is an interesting thread.

My 2 cents? or 20 bucks with inflation?

I know how it feels ot have your T leave on Vaca. Mine went to Africa for two weeks. (I live in the US) That was very, very difficult for me because my mom had a heart attack and a stroke during those two weeks. (She's elderly and frail but none the less) Last summer my T was on vaca when my dad died. Yeah that was fun. not

She goes on Vaca every 3 months for a week except the time she went to Africa for two weeks. Damn I hope she never does that again.

Anyway, she gets kind of excited before her trips too. I sort of obligatorily ask her about them and sometimes I don't really want to know too much just because I have so much to deal with right now and I don't want to lose time in therapy sessions on other things. But at the same time I want to support her in taking care of herself. It did kind of bother me though in the last one when she said "We're thinking of going to Prague next" I don't know why but that irritated me. =/

Anyway, she does not take phone calls or email messages when she is gone. Usually she leaves the country. I can send her messages but she's not going to read or get them. That works okay for me but I am also not very attached to her. I mean she is special to me but not like my last T. I would have felt like I was going to die when my old T left. Incidently I had no contact with her (my old T) either when she was gone. What was worse is I'd call her machine and she'd instruct her clients to call their "back up therapist" and I never had one! I forgot how that hurt. My new T has a back up shrink for me but I am not very fond of his form of therapy.

I have had alot of therapy and seen a lot of Ts. lol I can speak from experience. I really think it was not right for your T to go on and on about his Vaca when you clearly were saying you were vulnerable and feeling stressed about it. I feel that he could have and should have put his giddy stuff aside until after the session. I read a book by Judith Herman and it was a great book called Trauma and Recovery (I believe) she speaks about how any breach of the therapeutic boundaries only harms the client. In my long experience I can say that is true. Would a telemarketer get far if they were trying to sell a product and they began to talk about their up coming vaca? Or wouldn't it be odd if you had an attorney you were paying 300 an hour and they started discussing the details of their vacation? And then add to that that you made it clear that it was difficult for you to hear about it. I would talk to him about this when he gets back.

And to clarify. You made it clear that you were okay with him being happy about his sudden freedom from the idea of a blood clot. You took that okay. But I think it was his insensitivity toward your feelings on the vacation that irks me anyway.

Jo

Yes, TN and Jo,

Hi Jo, by the way. Yes that's exactly it. The insensitivity to how I was feeling. It was hard for me to admit that I would miss him knowing he wouldn't miss me. I was so proud of myself for letting myself be so vulnerable. It was hard for me to attach to him. And I let myself. And I told him. And, well, we all know what happened.

I know it sounds drastic but right now I'm thinking I won't go back to him. I can't blame him at all for wanting the vacation. And not wanting to be bothered. But, but, what is it? Part of me is so in love with him. I'm just not getting over it. I don't know when or how I will ever get over it. Maybe it's just time to see a new therapist and move on. He really has helped me in so many countless ways.

Another part, and I hate to admit this part, is that I did FEEL myself becoming more independent tonight and making plans to do things next week and thinking that the separation is not necessarily a bad thing and is actually a good thing. And, truthfully, I WILL have a hard time going back to him and admitting, you know what? that wasn't so bad. I was okay. Because then I am afraid that he'll want to cut out my twice weekly sessions or he'll say, see you don't need me anymore. And, I also hate to admit that he was right, that I would be okay. He told me I'm a lot stronger than I think I am, than I give myself credit for being.

It could actually be that he feels bad about going away and his whole laughter thing was actually his coping mechanisms. Look, this isn't a T who takes a lot of time off. Maybe it was hard for him to say goodbye to me. I would like to think this is the case.

Maybe he thinks the separation will be good for me. I actually googled "when your therapist goes on vacation" and read a portion of a book writtin by a therapist about how to handle vacations. My T handled the whole thing exactly the way this book recommended, minus the giddy part. The book actually said that even though some clients have a hard time with the separation, it can actually be an important growth period for them (us).

BUT, as TN has pointed out, it's the whole accessibility thing. If he had appeared more accessible, perhaps I wouldn't feel so needy. I wish he had helped me explore more ways for me to feel connected to him. But I got intimidated and shut down. And he was NOT encouraging exploration. It was what it was. It was a boundary thing.

It was interesting to me to note though that in the same conversation, he mentioned separation/individuation re: my 16 year old, who I don't think has really separated from me yet. And, I do remember the first conversation we had about him caring about me that forced me to find this forum, and how angry I got. I did suspect at that time that he was working on separation/individuation.

My T hasn't taken a vacation for 2 years, unlike Jo's T. If I had Jo's T, I'm not sure I would get as attached either. Jo, I hope you don't mind me saying that. That would be a little unnerving for me knowing my T was going away every three months. Who can begrudge my T his vacation? Not one of us. He's NEVER EVER cancelled or rescheduled an appointment. He's been incredibly consistent in that regard. Yes, it hurt that he wasn't there for me emotionally. Yes, I felt like an ass revealing something so intimate and not having it "met". It is making me realize, however, that I do reveal very intimate things to people in general and how dangerous and vulnerable it makes me feel. I don't think I ever learned to put on a "face". People actually do tell me I'm very real, which is supposed to be a compliment but when you can't protect yourself, I do believe it's time to learn to be as fake as everyone else.

Thanks again for all your support and wisdom. I value all your viewpoints and opinions and find something worthwhile in what everyone has to say, even though they may vary. I know I was feeling up tonight but I'm suspecting that's my coping mechanism kicking in, a little denial going on there. It's going to be painful and hard. I do rely on him an awful lot.

Sleep well, everyone!

((Liese))

I am sorry your session wasn't good. I hope your T break goes as well as possible and you get to do some non-therapy things. I'm struggling right now too but I'm thinking of you.

Well I hope you are able to resolve this with your T when he comes back. I know sometimes when my T went on Vaca I wanted to leave her too. Even the one I have now when she was gone for two weeks and there was a huge family crisis in my life I thought "that's it I am done moving on." But it got better when she came back. Of course the family crisis had conveniently passed as well.

quote:

My T hasn't taken a vacation for 2 years, unlike Jo's T. If I had Jo's T, I'm not sure I would get as attached either. Jo, I hope you don't mind me saying that. That would be a little unnerving for me knowing my T was going away every three months.

Yeah I hear what you are saying. Her vacations aren't why I am not that attached. If I were as attached to her as my old t I know I would not be able to handle it. I just learned a huge lesson when my old T left her career and me after over a decade of seeing her and thinking she was everything to me. Something changed in me. I could seek out a new T that would bring that dependence out in me again but I know that I don't want to go there again. Plus this T the new one is really helping me out.

Anyway, let us know how it all turns out.

Thanks DF and Jo,

At first I was in anger, panic and disbelief. Then I went into a manic-type phase and decided I was going to do all these wonderful things while he is gone. (denial???) Then just the pain started to hit again. I guess feeling the boundaries really hurt. Sometimes I like to pretend they aren't there. (OOH, am I just describing the Kubler-Ross stages of grief?)

I'm not sure how bad I would feel if he hadn't been so giggly that last day. If he'd been more somber and I still walked away without an amail address, would I be as mad? I am just mad I didn't get the email address? It's hard to separate it all out.

My next appointment is the first day he's back in the office and I think I'm going to cancel that appointment. I don't want to see him his first day back. I don't want to talk about his vacation or see the afterglow. I know I'm not a giving person. I wish I could be. But I'm not there yet, I guess. It might be easier to be a giving person if the relationship was more reciprocal. I do think I struggle quite a bit with the power differential.

I'm trying to let go of what I can't control (him) and focus on what I can control (me).

One thing if you did see him on his first day back and he was "giddy" and talking about his vaca it would give you a perfect opportunity to discuss your feelings around it. I don't think that it is about you not being a giving person. I think it is more about your transference. if you knew him in a different context you probably would not feel this way about him. I used to feel this way about my old T. I hated it whenever she brought up her personal life. Toward the end she had a lot of friends die and I grew to resent how much that was invading our sessions. I felt sort of selfish but at the same time I wanted to be so important to her. I think it was the young parts of me wanting a doting parent to love me and focus on me. That was something I NEVER got. So to have even a little bit of it made me just want more and I felt intensely jealous and upset when I saw that in deed I was not that important to her. It was horribly painful. Underneath it all was my grief over my lost childhood.

Also consider that if he is back from Vaca he may not have openings in his schedule to reschedule this week. But then again you can find that out first right?

UV

Thanks for putting such a positive spin on all my pain. LOL!!! Where do you find your info on emotional processing? Exactly what is it called?

Funny, I'm the youngest of 3 and I was the first to move out of my house. A little older than you but before my brother and sister.

The only thing about his leg problem is that when I had the same thing (the swelling is caused by an injury) the technicians, etc., were being dismissive about the blood clot thing, just something they HAVE to rule out. And, my T works with a bunch of physicians assistants. I could be wrong but my guess is that they would tend to tell him the same thing, if he was really worried about it. Maybe I'm being too dismissive of his relief and I shouldn't do that. Maybe it was really a combination of it happening right before his last day of work before his trip and all the anxiety about everything was just rolled into this one thing. Anyway, in any event, he wasn't on the same emotional level as me.

Jo,

I see T Mondays and Thursdays. So if I cancel Monday, I know I will see him Thursday, if I don't cancel that one as well. We will see how I am feeling and how the week is going. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm just taking it day by day. 4 days down so far. I hope there is a point to all this because it really s*cks.