Hi Russ,
I'm sorry what a painful question to struggle with. My gut feel is that if there was a consistent, warm connection you would have some sense of it. I do have some warm memories of my mom, the strongest being of climbing up on her lap and laying my head on her shoulder and her rubbing my hair behind my ears. But its an isolated island surrounded by a lot feeling like I was often on my own trying to handle too much. That my feelings were not welcome and my needs weren't important. Don't get me wrong, my mother loved (loves) me and she did the best that she could but she failed me in significant ways. So, my opinion, fwiw which may be not much, is that if you can't remember its probably not there to recall. I mean, why would you choose to forget the good part?

What you may be struggling with is that part of your defense against the lack of connection with your dad was believing that you had that connection with your mom. I know I believed for a LOT of years, that my dad, who abused me, was the BAD one, but Mom was good. It was a primitive split so that I had something good to cling to. Ironically, its been more difficult to face what I didn't get from my mother because I expected more of her.

All that said, that's my experience, not yours. I don't want you to think I'm saying that's absolutely how it was. But since you were asking, I just wanted to share my experience.

AG

Hi Russ, I’ve sort of felt a similar dilemma in wondering about the trueness of my relationship with my mother. I always believed that we were very close and that she was a wonderful mother. She _had_ to be in light of my father being an unpredictable, belligerent alcoholic. As I look back however, I recognize that I was always the one hugging my mother, consoling her, and clinging to her for fear I would lose her. There wasn’t any reassurance or sense of security with her or any definition as to my place, but she was the best that I had, and as children do I adapted. One of the things I remember doing when I was growing up was fantasizing about ideal parents. What used to seem odd to me is that neither of them were ever my actual parents. They were always other people assuming this role because I subconciously knew that my actual parents were incapable of ever being ideal or meeting my needs.

The important thing to remember Russ, is that a secure attachment does not develop because of mothers who took their infants in their arms most frequently or by infants who were held the longest, but a secure attachment is made when a child is hugged that wants to be hugged and put down when he wants to be put down. When he was hungry his mother fed him; when he became tired his mother knew to tuck him into his crib. It’s the ability of the mother to sense her infant’s inarticulate needs and desires and to respond to them accordingly. (A General Theory of Love, pg 75, paraphrased)

In regards to a different situation I’ve been facing and putting too much emphasis on the absence of certain memories as opposed to the sensations and feelings I was experiencing, a good friend recently told me “there is no virtue in remembering just for the sake of remembering.” So while you are “guessing that she wasn’t able to fill in the gaps” doesn’t mean that she didn’t try. It’s the feelings you are experiencing that may indicate that whatever she did just wasn’t enough that you need to explore and is no suggestion that she was a bad mother.

I hope this helps and that I did not personalize this too much.
JM

Thanks so much AG and JM. Both of your responses really make sense and ring true for me. As Dr. LaCombe writes on this site, even if your best friend steps on your foot, it's still going to hurt.

I just spoke to my mom on the phone and we were talking about the time I told a friend's mom that I thought my dad didn't like me. I was probably 8 or 9 at the time. She was so alarmed that she told my mom about it. My mom then went out and bought a book for my dad called, "How To Raise a Son." When I asked if he read it she said, "No! He said 'why don't you read it!'"

So my mom had me and my three sisters to raise on her own. She did the best she could, but I don't think I got what I needed, namely the things that JM outlined.

For me to get better, I believe I need to get as many facts as I can about where I came from, understanding also that my parents' version of history may be colored by what they wished it was and may not the most accurate data.

This whole issue came up when discussing my numerous failed, initimate relationships with women. My T feels that it goes back to what I didn't from my mom, despite her best efforts.

Thanks again so much.
Russ

quote:

This whole issue came up when discussing my numerous failed, initimate relationships with women. My T feels that it goes back to what I didn't from my mom, despite her best efforts.

That's probably true, as is that you never learned that you deserved to be loved the way you needed to be loved so you can't take it in when it _is_ offered to you, you don't know how(YET). I hope that you DO learn that you DO deserve to be loved. But now I think we have to learn to love ourselves first and that can "feel" like an icy uphill climb from our vantage point.

It sure does sound like your mom tried. But how can one person maintain what is difficult under typical cisrcumstances let alone when you add any dysfunction or chaos to it. The woman probably worked hard in the face of defeating circumstances.

Hang in there. It sounds like you are making progress. BTW: It is nice to hear fom you. It has been a while. Which is ok, but I just want you to know that is is nice to hear from you again.

Take Care!
JM

quote:

Originally posted by Just Me:

quote:

That's probably true, as is that you never learned that you deserved to be loved the way you needed to be loved so you can't take it in when it _is_ offered to you, you don't know how(YET). I hope that you DO learn that you DO deserve to be loved. But now I think we have to learn to love ourselves first and that can "feel" like an icy uphill climb from our vantage point.

Boy, that sums it up just about perfectly. Your insight is really terrific, JM.

The hardest thing about this whole journey for me is that whenever I hit upon something in therapy that is really painful, my mind responds by giving me awful symptoms of fear and anxiety. And as I deal with the feelings, the symptoms gradually - very gradually - recede. The anxiety response to difficult feelings is another thing I learned somewhere along the way.

Thanks for the kind thoughts. While I don't post all that often, I do read this site a lot. It's an amazing resource.

Russ

quote:

The hardest thing about this whole journey for me is that whenever I hit upon something in therapy that is really painful, my mind responds by giving me awful symptoms of fear and anxiety. And as I deal with the feelings, the symptoms gradually - very gradually - recede. The anxiety response to difficult feelings is another thing I learned somewhere along the way.

Russ,
I think when we aren't getting what we need repeatedly, we try to avoid feeling that need. And when we have emotions that we're not getting the help we need to handle them, we start avoiding those emotions. Its how we learn to protect ourselves. But what was true then, isn't now. In the present, you have a T who can help you learn to contain your emotions, and make sense of them. But it makes sense that going towards your emotions, and feeling them, would evoke anxiety and fear. Its something you learned and it was a reasonable response to what was going on. It takes a lot of courage to move through that fear to experience the emotions and look at your past to make sense of it. I think you're doing really good work that is very difficult to do. And JM is right, it's good to hear from you!

AG

Thanks, AG. I completely agree with you. I think symptoms like anxiety and fear can also serve as a distraction from and a signal about really painful feelings, almost like a very loud message from your soul that something needs your attention now.

Last night I got home from work and felt so awful and agitated that I just sat down on the couch and sobbed on and off for about three hours.

During this sobbing, all sorts of things ran through my mind, but mostly it was an image of me as a sad, frustrated little kid whose dad had little interest in him and whose mom tried her best but wasn't really up to the task for filling in the gaps. I guess being able to see myself as a kid and cry about it is itself a sign of progress.

Thanks again, as always.
Russ

I was just thinking about a similar topic when I saw this thread. I guess the approaching holidays are making me pensive.

My mom passed away in January this year...two weeks after I started therapy. She had been sick so it was not a surprise. But I never did get the opportunity to try to talk to her about some of the issues from childhood that haunt me today. Mourning her has been a much more complicated process than I expected. I think because I have such mixed feelings about her as a mother. She had her moments when she was a very good concerned mother but there were a LOT of bad moments where she was out of control with anger and she was very abusive physically and emotionally. I think if she was all bad it would be easier to deal with her death and of course if she was a mother who met my needs and provided a secure attachment then I could mourn and grieve in a more honest, uncomplicated way.

As for my Dad ... he was pretty much uninvolved in our childhood except to continually tell us not to "upset" my mother and we lived in fear of "upsetting" mom. So we (my sister and I) learned to walk on eggshells and to make ourseleves scarce when Mom was in a "mood". I also learned not to risk or try anything because I was punished if I failed. Or I was discouraged and scared out of even trying.

The problem with trying to figure out what kind of mother I had was that she was so erratic and inconsistent, hence my having an unsecure attachment issue now. If I moved towards her in need she may react in a postive way...or she more often would react in an abusive, humiliating and bewildering way. So I became fearful of asking for anything and decided it was better to be invisible and keep my distance. I have over the years built a fortress to protect myself from anyone "knowing" me truly. And I'd much rather suffer alone than ask anyone for anything.

This is what I'm working on with my T who now gets my need for reassurance and my struggle with making my needs and wants known. It's a hard uphill battle and sometimes that hill gets real slippery. But at least now, being in therapy, I understand myself a lot better and I'm thankful for that.

TN

True North,
I can understand the holidays being difficult since they're the first without your mother. And I really understand how complicated your mourning must be. I had not seen my father for 28 years when my sister and I went to the hospital a 14 hour drive away to attempt to see him when he was dying. It was an extremely emotional and powerful time, but I remember how complicated it was to see him again and to mourn him. I think when we lose a parent, we mourn. Some mourn for what they lost, and some mourn for what they didn't have and now never can.

I'm really glad that you have a wonderful T who understands you and understands what you need. Keep him close through the holidays and take good care of yourself. I hope you find peace and learn to open up to let people know you truly, because I know that you're more than worth knowing.

AG

TN,

Thanks for your thoughtful post. Yes, it seems like it would be much easier if our parents were either consistently good or consistently bad because knowing where things went wrong would be much clearer. But neglect, abuse and a lack of providing what children need can be very subtle and hard to detect.

My feelings about my mom are so confused because she was never erratic, never violent, never way up or way down...she was very even and predictable always. This makes discerning where exactly our connection was lacking or missed really hard. It may be something as subtle as her not being inclined toward being physically warm despite fulfilling all our needs otherwise (even today, if any of us hug our mom, it's this kind of awkward, half-hearted embrace).

A picture is starting to form, however. I've talked to my mom about this whole thing quite a bit. I recently asked her if my dad resented my presence (I was NOT planned). She became really upset and adamantly said no, no, no, he never resented me. She even told me to "get that idea out of your head."

But then she told me a story which pretty much contradicts this statement.

In response to his total lack of interest in me, she once bought him a book called, "Raisng a Son," in the hopes that it would make him more interested. When I asked if he had read it, she said, "No! In fact he scoffed at me and said 'why don't you read it.'" Ok, so he had no interest in his son, but he didn't resent me? It doesn't add up.

I then asked her if she tried to comfort me when I had told her once that I thought my dad didn't like me. She said she couldn't remember. Then she started to cry and said, "I feel like I enabled all this."

So I'm in kind of a similar boat as you, TN. But in my case my mom is kind, considerate, generous, thoughtful and emotionally stable, but something was missing. She's not particularly warm. Is this enough to cause someone serious emotional issues later? For a kid who really needed it, actually I think it is.

Russ

TN
Sorry about your loss.

I understand the feelings of being on eggshell all the time and making a protective fortress. I seem to have done that myself. My mother was sick for as long as I can remember. She was forever in the hospital for long periods of time. I know that she did love me, but I just don't think she had it in her to show me. Then she started to drink heavily and then there were no more affections at all.

I managed to protect myself by living in my own world and being scarce. I never did learn how to associate with people and that is hard.

quote:

And I'd much rather suffer alone than ask anyone for anything

That is my national anthem, one in which I am trying to break out of, but I just don't feel worthy of all the help at time. Something T and I are working on.

Please stay strong over the holidays, and feel free to message me anytime if you need to. I am usually on line more often than not.

Kats

Russ... don't sell short the importance of physical affection from a parent. Attachment reseach has shown that babies and children need so much more than just food and shelter and they will suffer without warmth and affection from their caregiver. In some cases they even die from lack of it. My mother could be affectionate but she could also be very harsh and scary and we never knew which mom we would find when we needed her. Very confusing for a child.

I agree AG, we mourn so much more than just the person when we lose a parent. It's so much more complicated than that and when the relationship was a rocky one it can be confusing. I do mourn for what I lost and can never have now. I'm trying to learn to just accept some things but it's hard and I guess it will take time. I am lucky to have my T and I do plan to keep him very close. He is my anchor.

Kats...thanks for the condolences. And for the offer to contact you. It's good to know it's there if I need it. You have to keep remembering that you ARE worthy and you have the right to ask for what you need. I tell myself this a lot but it's still hard to digest and put to work in life. My T and I are working on this also and there is so much more to explore as to why and how the unworthy messages were internalized by me for so many years. I told my T that my house was the house of the shifting sands. There was no foundational support and I was always off balance, never knowing what to expect and always feeling like the house could collapse at any moment. It's no wonder I feel insecure and crave his reassurances and whenever I have anxiety I yearn for that connection with him. He has become the attachment figure I never had and now we both understand this and are working with it.

And the offer goes both ways, Kats. You can contact me anytime you need to.

TN

Another oldie but another goodie

This whole idea of having had a "bad parent" - which had to make the other parent the "good parent" is me.

And then you realise that the "good parent" - the one that you idealised - turns out not to be as good as you originially thought. The "good" parent is falling off their pedestal. After all, had a parent been so "good", surely they would have managed the home situation much better in the first place so there didn't need to be a "bad" parent (ie: they could have stood up to the the bad parent, made the bad parent get help, put boundaries in place etc).

So the bad parent was bad and the supposedly good parent is not so good after all.

I'm OK

Oh, wow - thanks, I'm OK, for resurrecting this thread! This is exactly what's on my mind today, from Russ's first post to yours.

Other than a handful of rather dramatic (or traumatic) moments or events, I have a hard time giving details that support my general idea of what the relationship I had with my parents was like. There have been a few times that my T has pressed me for details, and I just go blank...it is alarming and frustrating to me because I want to connect to it and grieve whatever it is I need to grieve, but when I'm looking at empty space I start to wonder was there ever anything there in the first place.

She suggested that it would help to write it out like a narrative, so that's what I'm going to do. Fortunately there is someone willing and able to help me remember - the woman who lived across the street from us when we were growing up (she has actually been a part of our family since I was five years old and eventually became my aunt). I just emailed her last night about this, after having lunch with her, and she responded today, saying she'd be glad to help me out, and even gave me some general insights that she remembers.

One of the things she said coincides with what you said in your post. My mom was the "bad" parent (at least in her behavior toward me) and my dad was the "good" parent, in that he would at least try to rescue me from her anger. I had said to my aunt, sometimes I feel guilty for being the only kid out of four who is in therapy, when I was supposedly favored by my dad. My aunt said she doesn't think that made it better, that it probably made it worse. Then I realized, it just increased my mom's anger toward me every time he took my "side". So an unbalanced situation just became more unbalanced over time. When I was 12, they divorced, and during that time my dad's issues came to light as well, and so the unhealthy alliance we had kind of blew up.

So like you said...the bad parent was bad, and the good parent wasn't so good after all.

I know I'm rambling here but thanks for listening...
SG

Strummergirl that’s really interesting what you’re saying. In fact this whole thread raises lots of ideas in me (and questions).

Good parent versus bad parent I’d never thought of it like that before but it makes sense. For the first 11 years of my life there was certainly some kind of split like that, my mother left when I was three but she used to see us from time to time and in my mind she was always wonderful and loving and kind and caring and always smiling and was never angry at me or displeased with me in any way - unlike everyone else in the family. (In retrospect I realize it’s VERY easy for a parent to be like that when they only see their kids for one day every once in a while). I don’t think I saw my father and grandmother as ‘bad’ though, just that I really preferred to be with my mother.

But when I was 11 my father remarried and suddenly they ALL became bad parents, including my mother who suddenly started screaming and yelling and throwing real tantrums about the whole remarriage thing, and dumped most of her rage and jealousy on me. I pretty quickly realized that she wasn’t going to save me from my wicked raging stepmother and my coldly angry authoritarian father after all, that she in fact was just as angry and unloving as them. At 11 the only way I could deal with the awful stuff that was going on was to shut down on all of them and count the years until I could legally escape from ‘home’.

It’s interesting for me to make the distinction now between good/bad parent because for decades I continued to be torn - having to take sides, having to try and find a middle ground where I could reconcile the hatred that was flying about the place between all of them and which ended up falling on my head, desperately trying to find an image in my head of at least one of them vaguely caring about and wanting me. Ha ha no such reality exists - but if I dig up images from the back of my head it’s the memory of my nice kind smiling loving mother that has the most positive emotional power. Needless to say that between my mother and my father it’s my mother who is actually the really ‘bad’ one, though it’s my father I more consciously think of as having failed so spectacularly in his role of caretaker.

And it’s interesting for me to say that too, because it’s all of course always been MY fault for everything that happened (and didn’t happen). What this thread has suddenly made me realize is somewhere in my mind I’m still holding a sense of one or the other of my parents as HAVING to be a ‘good’ parent in order to make the other one the ‘bad’ one - so I can align myself with that ‘good’ parent in order to maintain as real whatever crumbs of apparent love and care and wanting my need makes me believe were actually given. But holding onto seeing one or other of them as good in order to allow myself to believe they really did want and care about me means I’m stuck with all the negative messages as well.

Well why don’t I just agree with myself that they were ALL bad and be done with it. Chuck out the lying hope that I’m wrong and that they really did love and want me only I’m too selfish and needy to realize that, and by chucking out all notions of any of my family being ‘good’ then I can get to chuck out all the self blame and self hate too. Sounds so simple. I wish.

I was also thinking very hard about it. I know that there was nothing from my father and as a child I didn't expect any affection from him. It wouldn't even cross my mind to expect some goodness from my father.

However with my mom, it's also a bit tricky. Whatever she was able to give me, I don't think it was enough. I remember one event from quite an early childhood when I got a very rejecting reaction from my father when I just wanted to hang out near him. I remember this really painful, confusing sort of shame and thinking very hard about what did I do wrong. I know that my mom was just few meters away and it didn't cross my mind to go to her with these feelings that I didn't understand. It just didn't occur to me that she may have a response, comfort, soothing for me when I literally didn't know what to do.

quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
I was also thinking very hard about it. I know that there was nothing from my father and as a child I didn't expect any affection from him. It wouldn't even cross my mind to expect some goodness from my father.

However with my mom, it's also a bit tricky. Whatever she was able to give me, I don't think it was enough. I remember one event from quite an early childhood when I got a very rejecting reaction from my father when I just wanted to hang out near him. I remember this really painful, confusing sort of shame and thinking very hard about what did I do wrong. I know that my mom was just few meters away and it didn't cross my mind to go to her with these feelings that I didn't understand. It just didn't occur to me that she may have a response, comfort, soothing for me when I literally didn't know what to do.

Amazon,

I had a similar experience in that my mother never stood up for me when my father was distant, dismissive or just plain abusive.

She once told me of a time that my father scolded me in that awful, sneering, super-hostile way that he has, over some minor infraction. I asked her if she did anything about it. She said no.

I remember a time when my father totally humiliated me in front of another friend about my bad report card. She did nothing then, either.

To many, this might sounds like nothing, or it might sound like some stereotypical psycho-babble whining. But the truth is, when you're young and one of your parents is cruel to you in anyway, it's like getting shot in the stomach with a shotgun.

And when one parent does something, and the other does nothing in your defense? Well, what kind of message does that send to you about yourself. It's not good.

So yeah, in my opinion, there is "good" parenting and "bad" parenting, and often, it's all mixed up in the same person.

Russ

quote:

Originally posted by Russ:

quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
I was also thinking very hard about it. I know that there was nothing from my father and as a child I didn't expect any affection from him. It wouldn't even cross my mind to expect some goodness from my father.

However with my mom, it's also a bit tricky. Whatever she was able to give me, I don't think it was enough. I remember one event from quite an early childhood when I got a very rejecting reaction from my father when I just wanted to hang out near him. I remember this really painful, confusing sort of shame and thinking very hard about what did I do wrong. I know that my mom was just few meters away and it didn't cross my mind to go to her with these feelings that I didn't understand. It just didn't occur to me that she may have a response, comfort, soothing for me when I literally didn't know what to do.

Amazon,

I had a similar experience in that my mother never stood up for me when my father was distant, dismissive or just plain abusive.

She once told me of a time that my father scolded me in that awful, sneering, super-hostile way that he has, over some minor infraction. I asked her if she did anything about it. She said no.

I remember a time when my father totally humiliated me in front of a friend about my bad report card. She did nothing then, either.

To many, this might sounds like nothing, or it might sound like some stereotypical psycho-babble whining. But the truth is, when you're young and one of your parents is cruel to you in anyway, it's like getting shot in the stomach with a shotgun.

And when one parent does something, and the other does nothing in your defense? Well, what kind of message does that send to you about yourself. It's not good.

So yeah, in my opinion, there is "good" parenting and "bad" parenting, and often, it's all mixed up in the same person.

Russ

Hi All

I've been missing in action from here for a few weeks - but I've been doing some really good work with my T. Today I feel good about therapy and feel that perhaps we will all get there (wherever there is!) after all!

A few weeks ago, I posted the below in this thread:

quote:

This whole idea of having had a "bad parent" - which had to make the other parent the "good parent" is me.

And then you realise that the "good parent" - the one that you idealised - turns out not to be as good as you originally thought. The "good" parent is falling off their pedestal. After all, had a parent been so "good", surely they would have managed the home situation much better in the first place so there didn't need to be a "bad" parent (ie: they could have stood up to the bad parent, made the bad parent get help, put boundaries in place etc).

So the bad parent was bad and the supposedly good parent is not so good after all.

Let me expand on the above.

I had idealised my dad growing up. I thought he was wonderful. I thought he was good and safe and perfect. In comparison, my mum has been ill – suffering with depression & anxiety – and struggling so much with her own life that she had little energy left for tending to her children in a loving, nurturing and consistent manner. The most troubling part with mum is her lack of insight regarding depression & anxiety and it's impact on her and those around her.

So I guess dad had to be the “good” parent because Mum certainly wasn’t capable of that role most of the time.

When I started therapy, we spent the first few years working through my relationship with my mum. I eventually gave her a letter acknowledging the impact her health has had on me and the fact that I would be putting boundaries around our relationship to protect me (ie: I would no longer let her dump all her fears & worries on to me). It’s been 2.5 years since I gave her that letter and I am so much happier for not having to take on or hear Mum’s issues any longer. We don't catch up much anymore but I am healthier this way.

But then my T and I started discussing Dad. I almost wondered what was there to discuss. I mean he was PERFECT. What had he done wrong (other than marry a woman who had significant emotional issues)?

Anyway, my T has made me realise the following:
- Dad must have had his own stuff going on in order to have entered a relationship with someone in the first place who is often so unwell and so removed from reality
- Dad had an obligation to take care of his two children (my sister & I) when we were growing up. If Mum was too unwell to brush my hair before I went to school, Dad should have stepped up and done it.
- Dad should have taken responsibility and insisted that Mum get professional help instead of burying his head in the sand.

I now realise through my work with my T that Dad wasn't nearly wonderful as I had originally thought - he just used "avoidance" and "denial" as his coping mechanisms most of (or even all of) the time.

I am so angry right now with my Dad. I can’t believe how in denial I have been. I can’t believe how in denial he has been. I can’t believe that I put him up on a pedestal when I now realise as a parent myself that he could have – and should have – done so much more to protect our family unit. Clothing, feeding & providing shelter isn’t enough – and certainly isn’t where the role of parenting ends. I am so angry. I am so angry. I can’t believe I am so angry. Have I mentioned I’m ANGRY?!

But my T said that feeling “angry” is great because she said “it’s real, it’s here & now, it’s an appropriate feeling, and it’s so much better than me being in denial, zoned out & avoiding”.

I think my dad has picked up on my change in feelings about him. It’s hard to hide. I want to talk to him (he’s 80 years old now) but it feels like he is annoyed with me and is siding with my mother. I mean Dad & I have previously caught up on our own for coffees, etc – and I guess I had been hoping to do that again with him to try and obtain some more information about my childhood – but instead he has put up a wall – and has even said that mum & he were pretty much in it (ie: their relationship / life) together and that if I want to see him, mum needs to be invited too.

So as T's do, my T was hypothesising that perhaps Dad’s sudden resistance to meeting with me alone is because he is sensing something is up and wants to avoid a confrontation. That he has a vested interest in maintaining the role of the "good" parent. My T said that my Dad has actually got off quite lightly as Mum has shouldered nearly all of the blame / responsibility for my upbringing - when in fact he was equally responsible for my upbringhing. My T said perhaps, unconsciously, he is now appearing more vulnerable to me (ie: he is playing the "80 year old" card which wouldn't be an issue except I have evidence to suggest what he is telling me isn't accurate in terms of his health / abilities, etc) b/c he is in fact presenting himself as more vulnerable to aoivd a confrontation. My T said she doesn't know if any of the above is / isn't the case but she wonders about his sudden change of position.

I can't help but think that my T is a very wise woman - who so far has been pretty much on the ball with these types of matters to date. It's just an awful, yucky feeling to think that - even unconsciously, this is how he is reacting to me. I guess deep down I now know that this is exactly how he copes – by denying and avoidiing - and I have way too many examples to support that this is way of handling issues. How can I have been so blind for all these years?

I want to discuss this all with my dad but it’s like being a little girl again and terrified of either disappointing him or finding out he can be just as frightening and inconsistent as mum was. But at then end of the day I am now an adult. In my case, I don’t think there was a “good” or “bad” parent. I had two parents, with their own major issues (probably brought about in part by their own upbringings) who failed a little girl in so many ways and so many times. Yes, they are human but to that little girl they were everything. They were her parents.

I'll let you know if I have any luck catching up with Dad in the near future. Thanks for reading!

I'm OK

Hi Everyone

I feel so incredibly selfish. I only post here ocassionally and I seem to have no time to read all the courageous posts by other Myshrink members. I just wanted to say 'hi' and that I am thinking of everyone as we continue our journey with therapy.

One last thing, just a quick update on where I'm at.... I am still struggling with my Dad. I can't believe I have idolised a man who is so human. I am aching on the inside. I feel so much - but it's feeling in isolation. I can't explain what I feel as it doesn't make sense. And sometimes I don't feel at all. Right now, after almost 5 years of seeing my T, it feels less about intellectulising / discussing / analysing and more about learning to feel parts of me that I shut down a long time ago.

Thanks for letting me share my journey here too.

I'm OK