quote:

if I can't believe myself, no way T would believe me.

Yaku, you can't believe your self already half the time and yet your T believes you.

I think it would be cool to listen to. Just because you were happy sometimes doesn't mean bad stuff didn't happen to you. But I agree I wouldn't listen alone if you think it might destabilize you.

I hope you figure out a solution.

yaku,

It seems like you've been in a bit of crisis recently so if I was in that position I probably wouldn't right NOW (and my T probably wouldn't recommend either - it took MONTHS before she thought it would be productive of me to write/journal because I was doing so bad when I first saw her). But, if now feels like the right time and you and your T feel like the resources are there then it's the right time - your gut feeling is enough. I'd definitely listen to it SOMETIME.

I brought my baby book to show my T (last year I think) we went through it and it was weird. She did say I looked very happy and cute/playful (I'm a camera ham) and not dissociated in many of the pictures. It made me worry too that she didn't believe me, but realized she just meant in the picture I looked happy we didn't take many photos growing up but if we ever did it was exclusively happy stuff at happy times (holidays, vacation, etc). If you're worried it's invalidating I'm sure your T will reassure you... like BLT said neither the sad nor the happy negate each other. Good luck, but I say... listen to it! It will give you a chance to connect with yourself

BLT - Yeah, it's less that I worry I'll objectively believe T thinks I'm lying. It's more like when I am projecting that onto him, it's so painful, I'd rather avoid it altogether.

Cat - I definitely do want to listen sometime and it probably needs to be in the next few days or else I need to waste $20 on my own tape player. But, I'm going to sit on it until I'm not already on the verge of tears as it is, lol. I can't rightly remember, but I think some other parts actually did some crying in session today (beyond what we did when they tried to hide on the other side of the couch and ungracefully smacked the kneecap hard on the corner of his coffee table). It is just the tiniest bits of time that it breaks through, but it seems when it does, I am stuck with lingering blues for hours or days after. Sucks if that's what certain parts or states are stuck in all the time...

I dunno whether I'd prefer to listen to it in a more objective state, though, or if it might be better to listen to it when I have access to my emotions like this, because that might be more connecting. Taking it slowly, though, seeing when it feels safe.

You can pick up a tape player at goodwill super cheap. Just saying... so you don't waste $20 unless you want to listen to a ton of NKoTB mix tapes or Meatloaf tapes or... something like that.

Good luck on whatever/whenever you decide! Keep us posted.

Oh, I didn't think to hit Goodwill. That's a great idea! Yeah, I don't think I have any New Kids tapes anymore or Milli Vanilli or whatever else to listen to.

I listened and survived. I listened with Boo, so she could hear "Mommy when she was little," like she is now.

It feels like I am almost five. I predicted before I heard it what I thought might be on it and was kind of right (about the singing and reading part of a book). Inside, it felt like it was a specific book and then I thought, "No, I don't think it was," but it ended up being the book that part was saying it was, which is "The Monster at the End of This Book." It got cut off before I had finished reading it, unfortunately. Most of the tape was me playing the harmonica and singing nonsense songs, lots of "nanananana" while drumming on something.

Connecting things: The sing-songy stuff about mundane things we're doing is something that still happens from time to time, especially when I play with Aya. It is a very childish way I get that relates to this part, I think. Aya does it too. It was cute to hear me making up songs about that we were about to leave on a trip. I also sang bits of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," which I know I used to do, because there are all sorts of stories from the older sisters about me thinking I was singing well when they told me I wasn't. And, "I've Got Spurs..." Her voice also sounds, well, like it sounds.

Disconnecting: I was kind of hoping it would bring up a sense of having existed or a connection to the past, but it didn't. Also, hearing a certain figure's voice was disconnecting. They were just busy in the background, "I'm too busy making breakfast to talk to you right now," when the tape recorder was brought over. I knew this person until they died when I was 16 and expected some sort of familiarity, but just went numb hearing it. Like, "Oh, that's what they sounded like?" Shrug.

I mentioned going on a trip (like we're going to leave soon) with my grandma, dad and sister, but I don't know if that was just me making up a story or something that was about to happen. I asked on of my sisters if we went on a trip around the time this sounds like it was made and she only remembers one that is at least two years older. So, either my time is off or hers is. I could ask my dad, but there has been triggering stuff lately, so I'm afraid to initiate contact. I'd kind of like to be able to place a concrete time on it. That would be neat. Even if I can't, it was still a good experience to hear. I just wish I felt more like I existed. Also, I was able to hear me being a silly, playful kid without it making me feel, "Obviously nothing bad ever happened to me," which is huge progress. I felt no need to use it to either prove or disprove anything about my experiences.

So, overall, positive experience.