quote:

In that session, I told T how I used to play games in which I imagined I was an abandoned orphan, fending for myself and T said coldly, and then you went inside to where your mother had prepared a lovely meal for you? I keep thinking about her saying this. She was so dismissive. I was a miserable child and yet she didn't care. I'm thinking that she must've thought I was trying to get attention by making out things were worse than they were. But I wasn't. I played those games. Maybe they're irrelevant and all kids do

Yikes, tygr, I felt a strong reaction as I read that. Bad T! It makes me think she must not understand children, or playing, or emotions and how all that works. I think (probably?) those kinds of games are common enough, but that doesn't mean they aren't expressive of an aspect of the truth of your emotional experience, one that's worth grappling with and integrating esp. if that kind of childhood role play seems memorable and significant to you even now.

That's how I would take it if I was a T. . . I am sorry you are hurting.

(((TYGR))))

Oh, Tygr. She sounds off to me. What the heck was that comment about how you then went inside to a mother who had prepared you a meal?

What kills me about this profession is that there might be people who haven't worked through their stuff enough to be helpful. And, sometimes, they are even harmful.

Sending big hugs. I would be struggling as you are. Try to hang onto the fact that there wasn't just you in the room. She was in there with you and surely had a huge impact on how things went.

Thank you, all of you, for your words of support. It really means a lot. I'm struggling with all my old insecurities, many of which I thought I'd worked through. Thinking that my 'stuff' is trivial and I'm making things up for attention etc.

I was definitely unhappy as a child. Not all the time but I used to do things to punish myself and hurt myself and I was under 10 when it started (not sure exactly how old) and it pains me to think of me feeling the need to do this when I was so little and should've been carefree.

I don't talk about it often - this was the first time I EVER shared some if the details of what I was doing and I hate that I told this T about that and that she knows something so intimate about me and wasn't prepared to help me with the feelings or even take it seriously.

I wasn't abused. I've never pretended I was or made out that I had a horrible childhood because I didn't buy I was very sensitive and my parents were often arguing, my Dad was having an affair and there was a lot of conflict and unhappiness. I don't know why I started hurting myself. Maybe because I never cut then she thought that it wasn't proper self-harm.

I'm so confused. I feel like she's punished me now. I know I didn't behave very well - driving away and crashing a bit and lying outside her house but I was hurting/ terrified on both occasions because of her coldness and distance and forgetting about the break and being so casual with my time.

I'm at least taking steps today to look after myself better - cooking proper meals and starting to catch up on months if backlog with the housework. I deserve nice food and a nice environment. I deserve to be treated kindly and with compassion. If I say it enough, I'll believe it.

This is a nice article about attention seeking:

http://www.lucydanielscenter.o...on-seeking-behaviors

I saw T2 today. She was sympathetic. I cried a little bit. That's rare for me in therapy and a good sign I think. I read her the termination email and told her a few details of the last few sessions. I started blaming myself for the termination and even exT forgetting to tell me about the break. T2 said that even if I was doing something to make exT ignore my needs that it was her JOB not to forget to tell me. She asked me if I'd considered making a complaint. This evening I have emailed her professional body to ask for their complaints procedure, just to have a look. My instinct says to leave it as I wasn't blameless and dragging it all up won't do either of us any good but I can at least look at the policies.

I told T2 about either being very detached and unemotional and rational or totally overwhelmed by powerful emotions and she said it would be good to work on integrating those two aspects of me as neither seem to be serving me very well. I agreed. I tentatively asked whether that would be possible as I've lost quite a bit of hope. I can't remember whether she answered.

I only have another 6 sessions with her as I only get 10 in total. At the end of the session today, the disappointment and anxiety about ending were strong. I feel so alone at the moment. She commended me for calling the Samaritans for support to get through this crisis but I don't want that. I want someone I can talk to and who can support me whenever I need it. I hate being needy and having to call strangers to get my needs met. Being single is tough. Maybe a partner would be sick of me moaning about my exT by now but I wish I could freely talk about all these things with someone who I know already knows and likes me rather than people who have to make a snap judgment in a few minutes about whether or not they like me and can trust what I say. I tend to not believe them when they say nice things about me. Maybe I wouldn't believe people who know me either but at least it'd be easier. I guess everything is so subjective. My ex partner and a friend have already told me my behaviour was unacceptable and T was right to terminate. I think there's an element of truth in that.

Sorry. I know I'm rambling now.

Having another difficult day today.

It was the dreaming workshop with the local psychotherapist this morning, that I've been looking forward to for weeks. I don't know what I was hoping for really because I knew that he couldn't be a T to me. I went along determined to put on a brave face and to be strong and to show that the loss of my T wasn't sending me over the edge emotionally (I don't know why I felt the need to do this). Anyway, I think I did.

At the end of the group, I wanted to speak to him one to one so I lingered around chatting until everyone else left. He asked me how I am and I said I was ok. He asked about my brother-in-law and I spoke about the children and my worries but that I hoped they were through the worst. I told him about my 5 year old nephew's nightmare and he said it was really good that he felt able to share that with me.

Then I told him that I have my first P appointment coming up in two weeks and how concerned I am about it. He reminded me, as if I needed reminding, that he would be more concerned with prescribing meds than listening to me. I told him that I knew that and I didn't expect him to listen and I'm worried about being labelled, having resisted for so long. I then explained that I thought therapy offered the greatest potential for healing but now I'm not so sure.

He then asked how long I was seeing exT for (20 months) and said that however disappointed I was with the ending, I would have gained a great deal from it and over the next 6 months to a year, I would realise just how much.

I apologised for involving him by sending him emails (including exT's termination email) and he said that it was the right thing to do to come to him in distress. Then I left.

Last month, I came home feeling on top of the world from that group and emailed exT to tell her how good I felt. In that last session my anger was validated and I felt understood. This time, I feel really empty and flat. I think his comment about feeling the benefits over the next year has hurt me. What about all the negatives I've been feeling over the last few weeks? I felt that he was taking her side and that despite her recent actions (which I guess I assume he thinks are all my fault), she's still this brilliant psychotherapist who has done all this good work with me. Well, I don't feel it. Maybe my anger is getting in the way, but I still feel she ripped me off and set me back a very long way. I would NOT be contemplating seeing a psychiatrist if therapy had gone better. He seems to suggest that psychiatry is not the way forward and that I'd benefit from more intensive therapy. Yet, she says that therapy is not appropriate and I have to see a P.

Angry with both of them right now. Angry with the whole blimmin profession, who profess to care but just go around screwing people up. No, I probably don't really mean that but right now I do.

Thanks Monte

I suppose the only thing that goes in my favour is that for 18 months things we were fine. It was her forgetting the break that totally sent me over the edge and even then, there were so many opportunities to rescue things but it seemed every action and word on her part triggered me more rather than repairing things. I was definitely open to repairing things right up until the end. I think she'd already decided she wanted rid of me once T2 came on the scene.

She actually started the whole thing with a scheduling wobble. I can't remember the exact details but at my first appointment she was ambiguous about what day and time she was offering. I ended up completely confused and upset because it turned out that she meant something totally different to what she'd said and my second appointment rather than being at the regular time she'd offered, was at a different time to suit her and ended up clashing with a really important workshop I wanted to attend. She initially offered Wednesdays but then it turned out that once a month she had to switch to a Monday (which she hadn't mentioned at the start) and then after a few weeks of Wednesdays she was pressuring me to switch to Mondays every week, even though a Wednesday suited me better and was what she'd initially offered. I remember spending the first couple of weeks really upset, confused and wondering what was going on. Pretty much like the last few weeks of our relationship.

I've been reading a lot about dissociation after a few things T2 and local T have said about my recent experiences and now I'm worried I will be diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder. Until this breach, I would have said that I'm bipolar and don't have a personality disorder but I've reacted in a classic BPD way to this real abandonment. I'm scared. My P appointment is in 10 days and I don't want to go.

Thanks Monte

I worry anyway but this feels like one of those life changing things. Either I steer clear of psychiatry or I dive right in. It doesn't change who I am or how I cope but it probably changes how other people see and relate to me.

So, I've provably set myself up for another disappointment by emailing oldT, who I stopped seeing in 2011, to seek some reassurance about my ability to be a good psychodynamic client. I got an out of office message back so I know today is her first day at work. I've had no contact from her at all in the last two years so I don't really expect a reply but I'm checking frequently just in case.