Sorry you had this come up. Can you tell me the answer when you find out .

I had a session like that today.......

I'm sorry it was so hard . Maybe it is negative transference...but sometimes I find when things are hard it's easier to get cross with T than with those that I should be angry with. And yes, the reality is that Ts are not gods, that they are normal human beings with faults just like ourselves. Take it as a sign of your own increasing insight that you can see her normality shining through



starfishy

I regret that I am not up-to-date on your journey or know how long you have been with this T. I have been gone for quite a long while and just recently returned to the Forum. I am glad you see again but I am very sorry you had such a crappy session today. I hate that you have such deep and painful "mother-wounds" because you did not get the love and care that you deserved!!!

I really hope this new view of your T is a sign of tremendous growth in you and not a return to negative transference. That experience, I know is horrible!


deeplyrooted

edited to remove reference to name as poster's request

Sorry you had such a frustrating session.

I've had that feeling, or at least a similar one, a couple of times. I'll be sitting in therapy and it's like for a few minutes or more I'll seem to snap out of the mindset and think, "Who the heck are you? And why do I think you know anything about anything? And what am I doing here, anyway?"

I don't know if it's a sign of progress or regress or what. Maybe just a transient fluke? For me it is a mood that has never lasted very long, at least not so far.

!

I'm sorry to hear about the crappy session. That sucks!

Lucina-just last night I broke down crying realizing that I think I wanted former T to be a mother-like figure in a way. It hit me like a ton of bricks! I seem to have always had mentor like crushes on females that I look up to in areas that I'm interested in (famous female scientists/social scientists, my 7th grade science teacher, my first Anthro. prof, and at least 2 more female Anthro. profs, My OB/GYN and then my former T). I wish I could be with former T and hang out with her as her mentee or colleague.
My T did say to me once in session how she didn't think I got my emotional needs met. That made me want to get even closer to her.

Ok....I don't want to hijack this thread any more than I already have.

-I hope the next session goes better for you. How long have you seen this T? Are you planning on going back or are you unsure right now?


Edited to remove a poster's name at their request.

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear you had such a crap session.

quote:

it was like the goggles came off or the fog lifted or something.It was like i saw HER for the first time, not the vision of 'Go*dess T' i normally see...just a plain old simple lady with no clue who i was either.

I wish I could take my goggles off! I just found out after nearly two years of exercising with the same people that at least two of them, that I know of, are therapists. Wow. I just see them as normal people. Actually both of them are really nice and friendly. But still, I can't imagine having the feelings for them that I do for me T. What a mindblower!

quote:

At the end of a one and a half hour session, i talked myself into her not caring, her not giving a crap about my issues, her not understanding me, me hating myself, me wanting to quit therapy , me not knowing my therapist or myself...questioning why after nearly twenty years im still in there, well the list was endless....
Is this normal? the end of transference and seeing the light or what? anyone know? or just a bad day at the office?

It sounds like a bad day at the office. Sometimes we have to cut ourselves off emotionally a little bit when things feel overwhelming. I don't know if that's what was going on for you but that happens to me.

quote:

its too bloomin late anyway to be saved from my own mothers lack of love and affection.

Not so. Don't believe that for a minute.

Thoughts for today ((())). Whether you have new insights and feelings towards T or things return a little to how they were; I hope that you are ok in all of this and are able to share with her some of your feelings from last time so you walk away at the end this time a little stronger and more settled

hopes today is manageable for you - it is never easy trying to figure these things out or work them out with our t's.
whatever happens we will be here for you and please go gently afterwards

pingus x

(((D)))
hope it went better today!



puppet

I want you to know you are in my thoughts today.

deeplyrooted

Edited to remove poster's name at their request.

Hi... thinking about you and hoping things are looking up for you.

Lots of hugs

Wow . you made a huge amount of sense to me. You have really made awesome connections about it and it resonated with me.

And it does make sense - if you have chaos or lack of perfection on the inside, but you are trying to maintain the outward facade of everything being ok, in control and appearing perfect - no wonder these feelings are coming up and you had a reaction.

It pricked a few things for me that I will have to think about .

And no wonder you were exhausted - this is big. And yes. You have to keep plugging away at it and you have to keep turning up to see T. By order...Somedays.

Like the others I have to say that it sounds like you’re making progess, even if it feels so rubbish. Is this what therapy is supposed to be about in the end? That the good stuff vis a vis the T is just transference and that one day the scales fall from the eyes and it all goes grey and crap? Surely not. Maybe in time you get to view your T just as warmly and affectionately, but in a different way? Maybe... Who am I to talk though so just take what I’m saying with a lot of scepticism.

I find that really interesting that you feel you have to appear as perfect in front of her. Does that mean you haven’t been able to be the ‘real’ you all this time you’ve been seeing her? And does it also mean that having seen her feet of clay and recognized how your own defences might have been affecting your healing, you feel safer now to be able to be the real you and not have to be perfect anymore? If so that really is huge progress .

In any event, I’m sorry it’s so painful and I hope you are hanging in there and doing ok
(((((((((( )))))))))

LL

p.s. Like Monte I just have to get the correct and equal number of hugs on right side as on left, it still looks out to me, anyone care to count them and tell me if they're even?

i so relate to what you said about not being perfect inside and there being a mess inside that you try to hide and keep control over. i am so afraid that others will see inside of me and see what is really there.... and i am so sad that you feel this way too because its so painful and sooo unfair - that after having been through horrible things you end up feeling horrible inside, instead of seeing those horrible things as a separate thing from you, that happened to you, but that wasnt your fault.

i think you're so brave though and i hope it will get a little easier.

gentle hugs,
puppet


Edited to remover a poster's name at their request

Thinking of you dear ((((((Poppet)))))