Oh, Lamplighter...you are so not alone in this. I know about reams.

The writing started as a letter to my old BF - not to send, but just to get the thoughts out of my head that were building up and becoming painful from no one to talk to about them. I knew I would never send it to him, though. One letter turned into several, and it quickly became a journal. It was the first time I could express myself so well, and it just poured out like an avalanche. Maybe because for so long I haven't been able to? And it felt really, really GOOD. So I knew the way I was going about it was weird, "telling" all my thoughts about everything "to" my old BF, but I decided, who cares, I'm going to keep doing it because I'm finding out a lot about myself by writing all this down. All kinds of stuff was coming out and it was interesting, at least to me. And I thought it might come in handy if I ever found a therapist willing to go through it with me. So I kept writing.

When I started with my first T, he said, "So, tell me the story of the old BF." So I pulled it out of my purse and said "I'm so glad you asked, I happen to have it right here." All 17 pages of it, typed single-spaced in Word. I had written it out because I was trying to find the "hooks" that were keeping me attached to him. This was the only thing I wrote that wasn't addressed to him. I referred to it in therapy as my "dissertation". I have to give my former T a lot of credit - we spent the first several sessions just reading through that. I appreciated that because I knew I had written it completely from the heart, as if no one else would ever read it. I had only brought it in case I needed to refer to it during a session. (One thing I will add, though...reading through it was also very scary because by doing that I was telling him things WAY faster and more personal than I would have just speaking to him. Think downhill skiing on a black diamond "expert" hill compared to cross-country. It was extremely condensed and in hindsight might have been a bad idea because I didn't trust him enough to make myself vulnerable so quickly. It felt very intense to me.)

The rest of my writing was in a folder for the year 2008 in my bag. I started another one for 2009. I wanted to go through the letters for 2008, but I knew we would never have enough time to go through each and every one, so I spent a few hours "indexing" them by date, length in pages, and main points so we could focus on the ones most relevant to my therapy. I think there were over 300 hand-written pages just for that year. We only got to a couple of those, but I still have the letters and I still bring them to every session.

When I was in therapy with the former T, my writing was addressed to him. Again, not because I was ever going to give it to him, but because I can't journal unless I'm kind of "tricking" myself into thinking I'm on one end of a conversation. Don't ask me why, I have no idea. I just know that it works so I keep doing it. I know I'm never going to send it to the person I'm writing "to". In fact it probably helps to know they're never going to see it, because then I'm more honest. If I try to write without doing this, then it just falls flat and writer's block takes over. So I keep writing "to" someone in my head, even though it's weird. It's such a relief to have found a way to express my thoughts.

Now I address my journaling to my current T. Also, I don't journal as much because I'm spending more time writing on here than I did before. But here, I'm addressing it to someone too.

My current T has agreed to look at my writing with me. I always bring it but don't read from it very much, just here and there. Today I showed her a drawing and a picture that were part of my journaling because it was relevant to what I was talking about. And that got me talking more than I would have otherwise. So right now I'm treating it as backup if I'm having trouble expressing something to her. Just having written it out helps me vocalize it later, even if I don't say it all. I still seem to say it better.

I was quiet for a really, really long time, but I'm finding out, and maybe you are to, that it's definitely not because I don't have something to say! There was, and is, lots of stuff that needs to be expressed somehow. Expressing myself in private journaling is one thing...expressing myself here is sometimes really, really scary because I'm so afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing or make a mistake or hurt or offend someone. If I ever do, I really hope someone says something to correct me, either here or in a PM, because I'm still so new at this. I'm really grateful to be here for so many reasons, but also because it is a place where I can "talk" with others at my own pace...and length, if necessary.

SG

Hi LL.... wow 32 pages! My T would never read that much of my writing. The most I have ever written to him was in an email where I was upset by the day's session and needed to tell him before I exploded or maybe imploded would be a better word. I manage to talk to him pretty well and have been getting better about telling him really hard stuff, although I pull back once in awhile to see how he's taking what I tell him, if it's safe enough to continue and I check to see if there is any sign that he is judging me.

SG, I also do what you do in tricking myself when I'm journaling so that it seems that I'm talking to someone. I have a hard time just writing for writing's sake so I "talk" to someone....sometimes it's my T, other times it's a friend. In the early days of my transference, before I found this board and some friends who would listen to me talk about therapy, I began a fictional story about therapy and while it's mostly fiction there is some autobiological elements to it. I had all these feelings for my T and no where to put them or a way to understand them so I wrote a story. My T has always encourage me to write because this is what I did for years before I started therapy. Writing out my feeling within the context of a fictional story allowed me to go to many places that I could not access when directing those thoughts to myself. I have actually written five novels (one remains unfinished) and a short story. I'm talking beyond 200 pages single spaced. When I look at them now I see very specific themes that run through all of them and specific issues that I struggle with and have always struggled with.

And so back to the topic, I send my T emails in between sessions sometimes when things feel urgent but I keep it to one page or a few paragraphs because I know he would not read more than that and honestly, I feel like I would be taking too much of his time to send him more. I have also written him letters expressing things to him and have read them in session. I think only once did I hand him something to read while sitting there with him and found it excruciating so I never did it again. I have also found that when I DO read to him in session something I have written, it does not go over well and maybe that's because my T needs time to consider what I write before we discuss it and so emailing works better for us.

TN

Hi LL,

I think it's awesome that you are able to write so much about what you're feeling, even if it is outside of session. I journal, and I typically just go straight to pen and paper, but I think my longest journal, if typed out, would be about 4 pages. But I tend to write/type a lot if I have enough to think about and say, so I know that the only reason I'm "limited" to 4 pages is because I am just not in touch enough with myself and my feelings to know enough of what to say. Sometimes I'll have this tight feeling in my body, like I'm aching to release some of my pent up feelings. So I'll pick up my journal and my pen, open to a blank page, and then I'll just stare at it and wonder, "Ok, what am I feeling? How do I put this into words?" Most of the time I'm able to get something down, but I always have a point where I just lose touch with myself, and I don't know how to articulate anything else.

So, I think it's great that you're able to write 32 pages! And it's also great that you give it to your T. Even if I were still in individual therapy, you'd have to pry my journal out of my dead hands before I would give them to my T.

K

I am go glad other people do so much writing too! I don’t think I’d get anywhere if I weren’t able to write out the stuff that goes on in my head, even if it’s not going to be read by someone else. Actually ESPECIALLy if it’s not going to be read by someone else. I seem to be back to front, I find it almost impossible to write what I really feel and think if I’m writing it as if TO someone, all this censoring and editing automatically happens and I end up getting nowhere.

I recall a couple of people in another thread talking about writing letters to people, even if they don’t get sent, and I’m pretty convinced that that actually would be a big help - I suspect I’m being swayed by fear so that I always write in the third person.

Kashley I would never have dreamed of giving to my T anything I wrote, it just happened accidentally one day when I’d been trying to explain something to him and couldn’t and said oh I managed to write it out ok and totally without thinking about it asked him if I could email it to him instead (that was the 32 page volume one). He (foolishly) agreed. When the next session he showed not only that he’d read it but had all these post it stickers in relevant places that he referred to I was so impressed!

True North I have to ask, have you considered getting your novels published? I love the idea of using a fictional setting to work out things you need to express, that’s true artistry! I get the same feeling as you with reading stuff I’ve written in session - it never comes across as I want it to, more like just reading a whole lot of words that don’t relate to anything. And also I try and make sure I give stuff to T to read well before a session, because he needs the time to think about it. Is that for real that your T wouldn’t read it if you wrote a lot of pages? I’m asking because I wonder whether he’s actually said that or whether you are just afraid that it would be taking up too much of his time.

Strummergirl

quote:

So I pulled it out of my purse and said "I'm so glad you asked, I happen to have it right here."

ROFL! I love it! I have visions of the T with a strained look on his face and a cartoon bubble above his head saying ‘oh s**t’.

Not so funny though that you experienced it as information overload - giving away too much too quickly. I know you said in another thread that you wondered whether it wasn’t this sudden and very emotional disclosure of yourself that contributed to the breakdown of your relationship with T. Do you actually believe that or was that something you just wondered in trying to work out what had gone wrong?

Have to say I have never before in my life shown anyone anything I’ve written. Even though a lot of the time the stuff I write doesn’t actually help me in the long run (I suspect because I don’t write in the second person hm) - I still pour out a lot of things that I definitely do not want anyone to know about me, at least not until I’m ready to disclose it.

quote:

I find it almost impossible to write what I really feel and think if I’m writing it as if TO someone, all this censoring and editing automatically happens and I end up getting nowhere.

This is interesting...funny to see how we are all "wired" differently!

quote:

I have visions of the T with a strained look on his face and a cartoon bubble above his head saying ‘oh s**t’.

Actually he seemed surprised, but really into it, that day...he jumped up and asked if he could make a copy of it so he could read it along with me. At first he made little notes along the way and asked questions...but after the first few sessions he "seemed" to get impatient, and I started to feel bad about that, so we blew through some points that were important to me that I had wanted to look at more closely. I was probably supposed to speak up and say I wanted to talk about those things...but I really wasn't ready to yet, it was too uncomfortable, I hadn't built up enough of a rapport with him yet. And you know how it is, if I'm already worried that I'm irritating him, I certainly don't want to make it worse. Oh well...if you never try, you never learn, right? Yeah, sometimes I wonder if I overwhelmed him...or maybe I gave the impression that I was really trusting, and so my fear later on was confusing to him...ach, I don't know, I'll never figure it out.

SG

I always write really long stuff to my P and it drives him crazy! He tells me almost every time that I bring something to session that he will only have time to read it and we wont have time to talk about it because it is so long. And he always says my emails are way too long for him. He sometimes tells me I cant email him when I ask if I can and when I ask why he will say "because I dont have two hours to spend sitting at the computer reading your books that you send to me." SO you are not alone in this at all.

quote:

True North I have to ask, have you considered getting your novels published? I love the idea of using a fictional setting to work out things you need to express, that’s true artistry! I get the same feeling as you with reading stuff I’ve written in session - it never comes across as I want it to, more like just reading a whole lot of words that don’t relate to anything. And also I try and make sure I give stuff to T to read well before a session, because he needs the time to think about it. Is that for real that your T wouldn’t read it if you wrote a lot of pages? I’m asking because I wonder whether he’s actually said that or whether you are just afraid that it would be taking up too much of his time.

Hi LL, I have thought about trying to get my novels published but have put that on the back burner until therapy eases up a bit. The novels need some editing and revisions and then I have to put together a query letter and a synopsis to send to publishing houses and right now that sounds too daunting to me. Hopefully some day.

As for my T... he does not like to read and I know if I send him lots of pages of reading he won't read it and then I'll just feel awful so I don't do it. I send hime emails that are usually around a full page or less. I know if I sent him more than that he 's want to have a discussion about it regarding why I cannot say these things to him in session. Luckily, I don't usually seem to have a problem in telling him how I feel.

TN

I've never written anything for my P to read. A couple of times I've made some notes/list for myself to prod me to speak up about things, but I don't give him the list.

I did write him an email once, in response to a letter I got from him after I quit therapy (I've since returned). He never replied. It didn't require a reply, but a "got your message, thanks for your input" would have been nice. He mentioned it once after I came back, and kind of smiled/laughed to himself about it, and I felt a little humiliated. I will never email him again.

Well I just managed another eight page missive for T today. I’ve decided that it’s getting a bit out of hand and from now on I will do my best to just say in session the stuff I write about between sessions.

I’m finding that one of the drawbacks of giving him so much stuff to read is that he doesn’t pick up on a lot of what I’ve written that I think is important, and there’s only so much time in each session to discuss things anyway

I actually admire those of you who email your Ts - that’s something I’m far too paranoid to do (emailing him something for the next session, having cleared it with him in advance, that’s not so scary) and as for phoning!!!!! Forget it! So maybe all my writing really is a form of avoidance after all.

Hi All,
I really need to head to bed, but I wanted to just throw out something from my experience which has really helped me identify what I want to bring up in sessions. I would figure out the thing I was the most scared to talk about and make that the first thing I talked about. I figured if I was that scared to look at something, it probably meant that I really needed to look at it. It is a rule of thumb that has really served me well. So I offer it up for what its worth, in case it would work for other people.

And I do think speaking in session is so very important because so much of the healing happens because someone is WITH us, understanding us and being present. It is not just the speaking of our truths that is important, it is having them heard.

Sorry for the hit and run!

AG

I am a great writer. I keep journals that I fill in afer ever session and have done for years and years. I would NEVER show them to my T but if I died I have often thought I would not want anybody to see them but her! But I do write loads in big folders - thoughts from the session, general thoughts, poems, rants, musings. mindmaps etc etc. It hepls enormously, even if I just go over the same ground agaan and again.

My T knows I write lots. If I tell her about a specific list, poem, reflection, mindmap etc, she will often ask to look at it. If I say no, that's fine but it's sort of understood that I never mention anything unless I might be prepared to discuss or show her. Sometimes that's quite painful, other times really helpful. Sometimes I will show her things that I have written that I could never bring myself to say.

AG I so agree with the do the difficult stuff at the beginning of a session. My T and you have obviously read the same book for when I have a choice of what things to start with she always says 'which is the hardest? Let's go with that'. It always throws me but is better in the long run - nothing worse than spending a session building up to something you're dreading.

LL I do email my T. Not very often cos I try to save it for sesions but if there is a big need I might. I don't like it though, there's a really stubborn bit of me that likes to think it doesn't need anybody else's help - not sure what that's all about. Probably rejection in the past from care givers I expect. She usually replies and always says I can email if I need. I'd never call except in a real emergency.
32 pages LL - WOW! That's quite impressive from me who tends to try and compact all I can. Maybe you could teach me a thing or two

starfish

I have written my T e-mails. I thought 4 paragraphs was way too long - I can't even imagine writing 32 pages! LOL I think it's great that you can get all that out. I don't really write anything private like that anymore. I'm too afraid that someone will read it. What if they find out what I'm really thinking? What if they think I'm crazy? What if????? No I am very careful even when I send the e-mail that I don't put anything down on paper that is too close.

Smiley

BB - It never really bothered me before - maybe because I was always numb,but since I started in therapy and looking at things it bothers me when I can't share at least with my T. I am in the middle of this right now with my T. I can't form the words to speak and I can't write it either. I don't know what to do but I know I have to talk about it or it will never stop popping up and ruining my life. This is two sessions now where I can't do it. I even tried to speak it to myself by looking in the mirror - I think I zoned out because before I knew it I was looking at the floor or the top of the dresser! I don't even know if I had continued speaking. Anyway, no I'm not lonely but it can be isolating.

Smiley

BB

I'd forgoten I 'd written about mindmaps! I love them, find them really useful for getting thoughts on paper. There are al sorts of ways of doing them - I read 'Mapping the Mind' by Tony and Barry Buzan. you start with a central topic/theme/problem/task and then draw out branches of thoughts from that central word(s) written in the centre of your page; branching out further and further with new thoughts and links. Haven't really explained that well but this might help- http://www.mind-mapping.co.uk/make-mind-map.htm

Ooo AG I so need your advice on how to reference a web site - the one you did a while ago was lost on me I'm afraid!!

Anyway there are lots of examples on line if you search 'mind maps'.

BB yes she ALWAYS asks me to either: read out loud what I've written ; reads it aloud herself; or reads it quietly but asks that I talk it through with her. The difficult things we often end up doing the latter for, but I always then know she has really understood my meanng as words can be open to so many interpretations can't they? It's difficult, but now I'm used to it and only show her something that I know I'm prepared to discuss. My T is very receptive to what I write and I do show her poems, funnily enogh those are not discussed in the same detail - I hand them over with a sort of 'this is just how it is so no discussion ok?' attitude. They are so personal I don't feel they are up for debate, but she has been visibly moved by poetry I have written, which has felt quite profound for me... have felt truly understood I guess. BB keep writing, if only for your benefit. Your T may not connect with poetry but everything you write will be helping you express a side of you that's otherwise difficult to express sometimes. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, it's an expression of what you're thinking so that's what's important....and I secretly bet it's good poetry too

starfish

Gosh AG forget that - it worked without me doing anything fancy!!!

starfish

Amazed I have done anything remotely snazzy on the computer BB Well there'a a first time for everything!! Haven't dared check to see if it works ok!!

starfish

Mind-mapping sounds pretty neat, Starfish. I think I might have to give that a try. I like to handwrite everything in my journal, but sometimes I have so many thoughts that I think my hand is going to fall off before I get it all down on paper! This sounds like a much smarter method. Thanks for elaborating on that!

kashley

I know what you mean about too many thoughts and not enough hands (even for a starfish) - that's why mapping can be quicker and easier. My T seems to find it useful to look at what I've mapped - especially those I've not thought about too much, just written or drawn as thoughts came into my head.

starfish