(((AH))))

OMG I am so sorry you are facing this pain. Please come and talk to us about it. We are bound to trigger each other here and you have a right also to seek the help and support you need.

AH,

My heart breaks for you. As someone who has experienced this type of loss, I can understand where you are at right now. Please know that we are here to help you, support you through this difficult time. I know it's hard to talk about but just let us know what we can do to help in any way at all. I'm so sorry.

Thinking about you, my friend.

AH, I very much understand the pain and agony and grief of losing a T, especially with little warning and no time to process the grief and the loss. I don't know your circumstances but I will be here to support you as best I can.

For me it was very helpful to keep posting to express my sadness and loss. Don't worry about triggering others if you put a warning to the thread those who get triggered will stay away. It's important that you do have support now.

Sending safe hugs
TN

Keep writing and reaching out. I got lots of support from people on the forum who went through what I went through

Somedays

I'm not sure what words could help right now AH, I know this is so painful, so I wanted to lend some hugs.

So sorry AH

I'm so sorry AH. A lot of forum members can relate to this. I have had an experience of having to quit therapy abruptly too and struggled a lot with the fallout.

With regard to being triggering, my perspective is that posting a trigger warning would be okay if you feel talking about it would be helpful.

I think most people here know how to look after themselves and are sensible enough not to read posts if they are not in good enough shape to cope. I worry about you denying yourself an outlet.

Thinking of you xx

(((((AH))))))))

I'm so sorry.... It's an ending I think we all fear. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it so unexpectedly. Please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to post here or be silent, whichever helps most on any given day.



RabbitEars

Thinking of you, AH. So sorry you have to go through this.

PLEASE keep coming here and posting, if you can.

Sending giant and gentle hugs.

The Kid

Hey AH,

You opened your heart coming here, so don't close it again, will you? If posting about what you're going through feels right, then do it. With a TW, anyone can decide for themselves to read or not to read. Point is, so many here can relate and will be able to support and that's what you need right now.
Sorry you're hurting

AH - if I may, I think you're discovering how much strength you already have. Just the fact you feel a sense of calm and sureness is a definite sign. Good for you!

Sending gentle hugs.

The Kid

Hey AH,
Sounds to me you're making all the right decision to take care of yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this pain but from what I read, I think you are strong enough to navigate through this and come out in one piece on the other side.
And keep checking in, we're here

(((AH))) I am really glad that in the midst of something so very difficult, that you are seeing the need to and finding the strength to take care of yourself. And be compassionate with yourself about what you need to get through this. Keep taking good care of yourself, I hope you are able to find affordable treatement somewhere else.

AG

so sorry to hear it's so difficult.

(((AH))) I can only imagine how confusing and painful all of this must be for you. I can't help but see the irony in your name "Armored Heart" because it seems you are trying so hard to be strong but inside it's filled with raw emotion. I hear your pain!


B2W

(((AH))) I think when it comes to vulnerability there are always two parts to us (for me anyway - the adult and the child). Maybe I'm just assuming that and it's not the case, but it is the case with me so I understand the logic (adult) feeling (child) and the dilemma of making adult choices with that in mind.

I don't want to hijack your thread, but when Ex T terminated me it felt like she terminated the child part of me. The child part of me was screaming so loudly and in so much pain the adult's logic could hardly be heard. That pain is more than I have ever felt before in my life and it's because, like you, for the first time I let down my "armored guard" if that makes sense. The adult part wants to kick the crap out of the child for being so stupid and the child part keeps remembering all the kind words and feelings that T gave like a gift from God. The child is left confused and the adult is angry at the child for trusting and wants to protect the child from ever doing that again. Make sense? Maybe it's just close to my heart, but that's what it feels like you are saying. If I knew how to block out my feelings I would have.

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from regarding going into the same building as Old T. I know I would never have coped if I had to find a T in the same building as Ex T. In fact even now if I had to bump into her I honestly do not know how I will react. I couldn't do it. Is there no other T that you could possibly go to? I'm sure there must be one somewhere. I'm thinking from what you said in your posts that maybe a female would be the best option??? You other 3 have all been males, it may be a good idea to try a female - just my opinion. Not saying anything against male therapists though.

Good luck in finding someone suitable!

B2W

quote:

Out of curiosity, how long did it take you to cope with feelings after termination, and to find another T? (if not too personal to ask

Truth is I still battle - it's been 18 months. It's not always about missing her (sometimes it is), sometimes it is the fear that new T will do the same to me, so I'm constantly on the lookout for signs and wanting to push her away so she can't push me away if that makes sense. In a nutshell Old T just reaffirmed all my insecurities related to trust and even exacerbated them, not to mention the feelings related to rejection, unworthiness, shame etc. I can't think of a worse kind of emotional devastation to be honest. Besides that nobody knew I was going to her or about any of my issues so when she left I was completely alone - mourning takes on a whole new role under those circumstances. I took about 6 months before finding another T and another 6 months to even begin to trust her - I'm still not completely there. I've been with her for a year now and I still ask her all the time if she wants to leave me. Lets just say it's been a long road.

Hopefully you find yourself in a better place soon and sooner than it took me.


B2W

quote:

when Ex T terminated me it felt like she terminated the child part of me. The child part of me was screaming so loudly and in so much pain the adult's logic could hardly be heard. That pain is more than I have ever felt before in my life and it's because, like you, for the first time I let down my "armored guard" if that makes sense. The adult part wants to kick the crap out of the child for being so stupid and the child part keeps remembering all the kind words and feelings that T gave like a gift from God. The child is left confused and the adult is angry at the child for trusting and wants to protect the child from ever doing that again.

B2W that is EXACTLY how I felt when oldT abandoned me. And what I am still struggling with 3 years later. You described it perfectly. My adult part is so angry at the child for being so stupid and trusting with oldT that she cannot even bear to acknowledge her or care about her. I had finally just lowered my guard and told oldT that I felt safe with him and trusted that what he said was true... that he would not leave me. And a few months after that I was gone. And the pain was the worst pain I have EVER felt. And I NEVER want to feel that again and this is what is blocking my relationship with my current T and what hold me back from ever trusting again.

AH... I am so sorry you are having to experience this anguish and pain. I was in shock and trauma after oldT abandoned me and I knew I had to find a new T quickly or die. It really felt life and death. So within six weeks I saw five T's. One for as long as ten sessions, others 2 or 3 sessions. I finally settled in with number 5 which is my current T. I began to see him six weeks after the abandonment. It took me almost 2 years to begin to feel attachment in a true sense and I still don't trust him after 3 years. He says nice things to me and I'm like "yeah I heard that before" and I let it slide off me. My original trauma was bad enough but when you add T trauma on top of that it becomes a chaotic nightmare to sort out.

As for seeing a new T in the same building....I would find that extremely difficult. I had to pass my old T's office quite often as it's on the main road to town. I could also see his office building from my office building each day when I got to work or went home. I could see his car outside and knew other people were seeing him but I was banished from his sight. That was so difficult to come to terms with. My adult understands a lot more than the child. And in some ways the adult blames the child still for being so stupidly trusting and for allowing her to come out to interact with oldT.

I think you are handling things really well but I do know how painful this is. I would try to find a T in another location. I also know that it's impossible for those who don't have attachment issues to understand the relationship we have with our T's and how painful it is to lose them.

I just wanted you to know that someone else understands exactly how you feel and what you are facing.

Hugs
TN

Such a sad and triggery thread for me, but I wanted to say that there is so much powerful and well written words here that well and truly resonates with me. You all have written things in such a way that it has helped me understand what I am feeling and have felt - it has really given me words to the unknown.

I will copy some of it to take to my T as you guys have explained it better than i could.

I also find it interesting that in the past few weeks I have become more aware of the parts in side me - they had been gone for 1.5 years. So it makes the words even more helpful for me.

Thank you

WOW...just......WWOOOWWWW!!!

Even tho this isn't my thread, I have to say everyone's words and insight into their very hurt little ones have truly shed a bit more light on things for li'l one and I.

Thank you all for this unexpected gift today!

To you, AH, I really, really wish I could use a magic wand to take away even just a tenth of the pain you're experiencing right now. Unfortunately, all I can offer are cyber hugs and words of support.

The Kid