AH... you are grieving the loss of T and the nature of grief is that it hits you when you least expect it to. You are going along thinking you are fine and then you get triggered by a sound, a scent a memory and then you are in pieces again. Eventually it will lessen but for me it took a long time.

You are doing the right thing for yourself but I know this is hard and scary. I would really wish for you that you find another T you can afford to help you through this. But you are not alone, we are all here to help keep you standing tall. You can write as much as you need to. I found it very helpful when I lost my T. When things get bad maybe you could make use of the crisis hotline in your area. There are some numbers posted if you look to the bottom of the page where all the forums are listed you will see "Crisis Resources".

Maybe you can find a low cost group to help you through this until you can afford to pay a new T. Have you asked your family doctor if he knows of any low-cost therapy? Some larger psychology practices employ interns that you can see for a much lower fee.

I'm sorry you are facing this but you are doing so with courage and dignity. We are here for you.

TN

((((AH))))

You are such a sweet person. I am so sad that you are going through this. I wish I could give you a hug. You inspire me too.

AH...please know you really are not alone. Keep coming here to get whatever support you need. You've been so kind responding to others...let us now do the same for you, 'k?

Big cyber hugs.

The Kid

I'm so sorry you are struggling with the fallout of losing your T. Even though it is immensely difficult, you are doing something positive to protect yourself, something very courageous. I appreciate that your wounded parts don't feel massively consoled by that right now though. Edit: on rereading it feels like I kind of glossed over your immense pain and jumped straight to the coping strategies so I just wanted to reiterate how very sorry I am that you are having to go through this, especially as T crossed some boundaries. It is one thing to leave a T having had time to process. It is another thing entirely to have to deal with the loss while simultaneously processing inappropriate behaviour.

Try and take it one day at a time. What you are going through is in many ways like a bereavement. Are there things you do to soothe yourself? Even though it makes me feel a bit like a crazy person I sometimes wind up in bed either with a favourite stuffed toy (imaginatively named Blue Rabbit) or with a special blanket. Sometimes all that works is distraction, not to make the pain go away but to get through an evening. In my case distraction tends to be the DVD variety. I have unchallenging go to series for this purpose.

I have been thinking about you and hope you are OK.