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Hi Ms. Control,
I think no one is saying too much or explaining too much because memory can be a delicate thing. Research has proved that we can dissociate to the point of having no conscious memories of things that happened to us: repressed memories, which are usually traumatic in nature. But it has also definitively proven that human memory is mallable and false memories can be created by suggestion especially by people seen as authority figure. So it is important that if you are struggling to make sense of your experience that you are allowed room to do so and for you to piece it together without inside intervention. I do not mean that you are on your own emotionally, only that a therapist will not offer any suggestions or interpretations of what may or may not have happened to you.
That said, your description of the associated emotions being close to the surface indicates that you may have some events or memories that were not emotionally processed at the time so that when they are triggered they can feel very intense or even as if they are happening NOW instead of sometime in the past. And its not unusual if something was really upsetting or overwhelming to think we are over it when really we just put it aside until we sense (all of this happens unconsciously) that we have the strength and resources to actually process what happened. So I think the best approach is just be open and curious to what you are feeling and remembering and compassionate with yourself while you work to make sense of what emerges. It can be a confusing difficult process (for some reason we don't tend to forget the lovely happy stuff
) but if you are allowed to do this at your pace and without too much outside input, you will find it easier to trust whatever you decide or remember happened.
And last but not least, no I do not think the process of healing involves remembering every detail of every past hurt. If we deal with the same types of painful injuries over a long period of time we conflate the memories and also form implicit memories of the pattern of what was "dangerous" so there is no need to remember everything. There is no value in itself of remembering something painful. I think we only remember what we need to bring understanding of what happened and acceptance of that part of ourself. Enough so that when similar memories are triggered, instead of overwhelming us, we can recognize what is happening and move through it. We learn t tolerate and and feel our past without being overwhelmed by it.
For myself the most effective way to deal with the past has been to pay attention to what has come up in the therapeutic relationship because it is within that relationship that my behavioral patterns and responses, created by what happened to me, have played out. It is much more effective using my feelings about my T and then seeing what my beliefs were and then tracing those feelings and beliefs back to things which happened in my past for me to make sense of what happened to me. You are in a very vital sense, re-writing the story of what happened to you, allowing you to now see it through an adult's eyes, using an adult's resources rather than being trapped as a powerless child. We cannot change the past but we can change how we understand the past and that can make a huge difference. And you do not have to go any faster than you feel like you can handle, Looking back over decades and thinking you have to face it all at once would feel overwhelming for anyone. Its ok to just let it unfold and follow where it goes.
You mentioned your T is graduating. One thing I would recommend if you think you have long term injuries to cope with, is finding a therapist with whom your relationship is not time limited. It can be hard to know how long it will take to work through these kinds of injuries and if a strong attachment is involved, it is better for the healing process if you can stay with one person and develop trust in them and their presence. Having to regularly switch therapists could be very disruptive to your process.
I hope that helps, please as if anything was confusing.
AG
I think no one is saying too much or explaining too much because memory can be a delicate thing. Research has proved that we can dissociate to the point of having no conscious memories of things that happened to us: repressed memories, which are usually traumatic in nature. But it has also definitively proven that human memory is mallable and false memories can be created by suggestion especially by people seen as authority figure. So it is important that if you are struggling to make sense of your experience that you are allowed room to do so and for you to piece it together without inside intervention. I do not mean that you are on your own emotionally, only that a therapist will not offer any suggestions or interpretations of what may or may not have happened to you.
That said, your description of the associated emotions being close to the surface indicates that you may have some events or memories that were not emotionally processed at the time so that when they are triggered they can feel very intense or even as if they are happening NOW instead of sometime in the past. And its not unusual if something was really upsetting or overwhelming to think we are over it when really we just put it aside until we sense (all of this happens unconsciously) that we have the strength and resources to actually process what happened. So I think the best approach is just be open and curious to what you are feeling and remembering and compassionate with yourself while you work to make sense of what emerges. It can be a confusing difficult process (for some reason we don't tend to forget the lovely happy stuff
) but if you are allowed to do this at your pace and without too much outside input, you will find it easier to trust whatever you decide or remember happened.And last but not least, no I do not think the process of healing involves remembering every detail of every past hurt. If we deal with the same types of painful injuries over a long period of time we conflate the memories and also form implicit memories of the pattern of what was "dangerous" so there is no need to remember everything. There is no value in itself of remembering something painful. I think we only remember what we need to bring understanding of what happened and acceptance of that part of ourself. Enough so that when similar memories are triggered, instead of overwhelming us, we can recognize what is happening and move through it. We learn t tolerate and and feel our past without being overwhelmed by it.
For myself the most effective way to deal with the past has been to pay attention to what has come up in the therapeutic relationship because it is within that relationship that my behavioral patterns and responses, created by what happened to me, have played out. It is much more effective using my feelings about my T and then seeing what my beliefs were and then tracing those feelings and beliefs back to things which happened in my past for me to make sense of what happened to me. You are in a very vital sense, re-writing the story of what happened to you, allowing you to now see it through an adult's eyes, using an adult's resources rather than being trapped as a powerless child. We cannot change the past but we can change how we understand the past and that can make a huge difference. And you do not have to go any faster than you feel like you can handle, Looking back over decades and thinking you have to face it all at once would feel overwhelming for anyone. Its ok to just let it unfold and follow where it goes.
You mentioned your T is graduating. One thing I would recommend if you think you have long term injuries to cope with, is finding a therapist with whom your relationship is not time limited. It can be hard to know how long it will take to work through these kinds of injuries and if a strong attachment is involved, it is better for the healing process if you can stay with one person and develop trust in them and their presence. Having to regularly switch therapists could be very disruptive to your process.
I hope that helps, please as if anything was confusing.
AG
Ms. Control,
Thank you for saying you're getting attached, I take that as a great compliment.
I am glad that you are looking for a more permanent therapist and I know it can feel very difficult to open up and trust another therapist but it is possible. There are a number of members who have managed to do so. You may want to look at their posts. The one's that spring immediately to mind are True North, Summer and Anchored Heart (with my deep apologies to the people I have no doubt overlooked!).
It can be difficult to know what you are getting into when entering therapy, and it sounds like you were cut very off guard. Think of this as a chance to start afresh while being much more aware of what you need.
If you haven't seen it, you might want to look at Questions for a New T for some ideas about what you might want to discuss with the new therapist before deciding to work with her.
AG
Thank you for saying you're getting attached, I take that as a great compliment.
I am glad that you are looking for a more permanent therapist and I know it can feel very difficult to open up and trust another therapist but it is possible. There are a number of members who have managed to do so. You may want to look at their posts. The one's that spring immediately to mind are True North, Summer and Anchored Heart (with my deep apologies to the people I have no doubt overlooked!).
It can be difficult to know what you are getting into when entering therapy, and it sounds like you were cut very off guard. Think of this as a chance to start afresh while being much more aware of what you need.
If you haven't seen it, you might want to look at Questions for a New T for some ideas about what you might want to discuss with the new therapist before deciding to work with her.
AG
If you're looking for a good trauma therapist, I suggest trying the online ad listing at Psychology Today. That's how I found my therapist. You can search by city and state, and the ads generally list the therapists' specialties and methods, and often includes a picture.
I also recommend talking to any potential T on the phone before going to see them in person. That way, you get a sense of their personality and contact setup. Are you ok going to a large office with several Ts and dealing with a receptionist? Or would you prefer someone with a private practice? The first time I called my T, he answered the phone himself. No receptionist. He takes all payments and files paperwork himself. However, I know others may be more comfortable doing that stuff through a third party.
Just something to think about. Good luck!
I also recommend talking to any potential T on the phone before going to see them in person. That way, you get a sense of their personality and contact setup. Are you ok going to a large office with several Ts and dealing with a receptionist? Or would you prefer someone with a private practice? The first time I called my T, he answered the phone himself. No receptionist. He takes all payments and files paperwork himself. However, I know others may be more comfortable doing that stuff through a third party.
Just something to think about. Good luck!
Ms. Control,
If I contact any professional on a Friday afternoon, I would not consider Sat and Sun as "part" of their response time, I would go by business days. I usually allow 24-48 hours as a reasonable response time for business issues. Therapists who work alone in private practice, I provide a little more leeway since 1)it is not unusual for private therapists to not work on Fridays' and 2) if they are on vacation and do not have any clerical staff, no one may be checking their messages.
All that said, some are better than others and its not unreasonable to factor in response time in making a decision about working with someone. Just do not read it as saying anything about you; response times in my experience are about the other person's resources and time management, not about the person they are contacting.
AG