Ms. Control,
While reading that about your T might have been a factor by unconsciously helping you to believe he would understand, I would venture to guess that it had more to do with the inherent structure of therapy. You are going to see someone who is imbued with a sense of both authority and knowledge (after all, they're the "expert" on these issues) and they are paid so that they attend completely to your needs, focused on understanding how you feel and accepting you just as you are.

In an any other relationship we have as an adult it doesn't work like this. We are either an equal, where there is give and take, a subordinate where we are taking direction and serving (in a job though which in some ways exempts our emotional life except insofar as we need to manage our feelings so they do not interfere with our functioning) or a caretaker when everything in the relationship flows to the other person (our child or taking care of a dependent, elderly parent).

If you go back to early childhood, ideally the setup is that you depend on a wiser, stronger person (mom and dad) who you believe has all the answers (we believe this in order to feel safe and because for most of our problems mom and dad do have the answer). They are also focused on being attuned to us, understanding us and they love us no matter what. If you didn't have that (and sadly, most of us here did not) than the structure of therapy is so close to being the child in a parental relationship that our long repressed needs come back. In the case of someone who suffered long term trauma, our most urgent need is often to have someone help us process the terrifying and overwhelming feelings caused by the trauma and to understand and integrate what happened to us. Often we have carried this for decades and the split-off, traumatized part of ourselves is desparate to speak (even while it terrifies us) so when we see someone who "fits" the role of being capable of listening, we open up.

Does that seem to fit for you at all? I know this is really confusing because the truth is you are getting hit with a whole lot of stuff you have unconsciously kept buried and out of your consciousness for a long time. We don't tend to bury the good stuff.

AG

Hi Ms Control,

I guess at some level that child part of you suddenly decided this situtaion was safe for whatever reason. All dissociation is a safety mechanism; the things that happened were too overwhelming, so the trauma is stored 'separated' from 'you'. It stays that way until there is a safe place/person/way to deal with it. As an adult I switch parts if I'm under threat (much to my horror at times) - but it is my minds way of trying to find a part of me that will cope with the situation I'm in. It is rather maladaptive for me now, but it saved me when I was small.

You may or may not ever figure out why this T, at this time was the 'right' place to be able to begin to process the trauma - but it is a good sign (if uncomfortable).

Hope those thoughts help a bit?

SB

quote:

The only hiccups are that I walked into therapy knowing nothing about therapy, including what a therapist does.

MC,
The dynamics I am talking about are definitely unconscious. Part of the reason I remember I first felt attracted to my T was that my husband and I were going to couples' counseling and one of the major problems on my part is that I felt like I was jumping up and down, screaming at the top of my lungs and waving my arms about and my husband still didn't hear me (turned out there were complex reasons for this that we both had a part in, just to be fair to DH). So I walk into therapy and there's this caring, compassionate man who is not only listening to me, he is expressing real understanding of how I feel and why I feel that way. When I finally went to see him to tell him about my feelings one of the things I told him was that I felt like a sponge in the dessert and he came along and started pouring water over me. I knew nothing of attachment theory or those early dynamics either at the time. Human beings are just built that way.

It also sounds like your T may have been a good emotional match for you as indicated by using the same wording you did to describe something you felt you were looking for.

And I totally get what you are saying about your bosses (I was the same way). But I think it was the combo of authority mixed with a willingness to attend to you.

And I have no doubt it does not totally cover what happened. The truth is that human beings, and especially our emotional dynamics can be very complex and sometimes we are working towards very antithetical goals. So we don't always seem to make sense until we see ourselves and our actions in the right context.

AG

I think reading about yr T you realised (deep down - your inner child) here was someone who would 'get it'.

Quite probably at an unconscious level; but it sounds like to me that your inner child felt safe enough, just a little, to venture out a little bit.

For me, I know it's no coincidence my inner child never made herself known (I had no idea I had one) until there was an adult (a T) who she recognised as SAFE ENOUGH to come out and make herself known to me.

That and - maybe it's the right time, right person, and you're more ready to do some of the inner child / deeper work?



Just my opinion of course

((Ms C)) I'm English. We do understatement well