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Dear BG, i`ve noticed you`ve been absent for a while, and even though i am glad hear from you, i am sorry you`re dealing with the grief. Very understandably this is a hard situation. Also, i wanna say that your poster is nothing but kind and respectful, so dont worry about the content. Its very good that you reached out here, and are able to write about this. Even though you may on one level feel guilty for not helping your mother (the way she wants) - it seems like you are doing the very right thing, when holding those boundaries, limitate the contact and look after yourself. You do NOT seem "harsh" to me at all. In a way, the best thing you can do for your mother, is to take care of yourself, and not let the old (unhealthy)patterns from childhood be repeated. You seem very aware of your mothers situation, and your history, and as a child (which you still are to your mother) its not your task to "fix" her. She need proffesional help, and taking that step, only your mother can do. Being there and support her, *if* she chose to seek help, is the only "help" you can offor, IMP. I am sertain that you are doing the right thing, holding on to the firm boundaries, and i would also assume- that in the long term, thats in the best interest of both you and your mother. Your T knows the history and the dynamic between the two of you, so keep listening to your T`s word. (i assume its your T that helped you to set these necesary boundaries.)I am so sorry though, that it feels so wrong, its just very very human and very understandable. Try to hold on your "intelectual" understanding of this, that tells you that you`re doing the right thing. It will be better BG. Feel free to post about it if you need to. Thinking of you.
Hi BG,
So glad you shared with us. You are so supportive. Glad you reached out to us.
It is such a hard place to be in when you "know" that you are doing the "right" thing but "feel" that you are doing the "wrong" thing. It sounds like you feel like you are abandoning her. I can see now that I didn't set certain limits with my kids because I didn't want them to "feel" abandoned. But the truth is, I felt abandoned, they didn't. They had to learn to be able to cope on their own and I was setting them up to be exactly that, abandoned. Because no one can be there 24/7 for someone else. So, I was able to back off and realize that I was helping them more and actually loving them more by setting boundaries and forcing them to deal with their "aloneness" sometimes. It did help me, when I did it, to say to them, "it's not that I don't want to help you, but ... you need to learn to do this on your own. I will be here for me if you really get stuck."
The obviously tricky part is being able to separate yourself from your mom. And be able to have the life you want for yourself. To help her in the way that you can: offer to connect her with social services in her area. But not to go above and beyond that because you know it won't really be helping her. She is the only one with the power to help herself.
I don't know what your Mom has done to you and your siblings or what she still does. It must have been bad if most everyone has a NC policy. It's so hard, for me at least, to leave my parents behind. My Dad already passed so it makes it a little easier. But to acknowledge their very real and serious limits as human beings. And to have the life you want. And not feel guilty or ashamed for wanting something different. For wanting to feel good about myself. I know sometimes that I feel like I'm leaving my Mom in the dust. And I should love her. She's my mother. She wants me to love her. She really doesn't have anyone else in the world except for my very dysfunctional brother with stage 4 cancer. But to love her the way she wants me to love her is to kill me. And then ultimately that would trickle down to my children. So I have to find a way to take care of myself first and her second. And, her in a way that hopefully is loving but not enabling.
Wish I could say something more soothing or insightful. I know the guilt and know it well. I hope you can find a way to come to peace with your decision not to help her too much.
(((((HUGS and HOPE))))))
Liese
So glad you shared with us. You are so supportive. Glad you reached out to us.
It is such a hard place to be in when you "know" that you are doing the "right" thing but "feel" that you are doing the "wrong" thing. It sounds like you feel like you are abandoning her. I can see now that I didn't set certain limits with my kids because I didn't want them to "feel" abandoned. But the truth is, I felt abandoned, they didn't. They had to learn to be able to cope on their own and I was setting them up to be exactly that, abandoned. Because no one can be there 24/7 for someone else. So, I was able to back off and realize that I was helping them more and actually loving them more by setting boundaries and forcing them to deal with their "aloneness" sometimes. It did help me, when I did it, to say to them, "it's not that I don't want to help you, but ... you need to learn to do this on your own. I will be here for me if you really get stuck."
The obviously tricky part is being able to separate yourself from your mom. And be able to have the life you want for yourself. To help her in the way that you can: offer to connect her with social services in her area. But not to go above and beyond that because you know it won't really be helping her. She is the only one with the power to help herself.
I don't know what your Mom has done to you and your siblings or what she still does. It must have been bad if most everyone has a NC policy. It's so hard, for me at least, to leave my parents behind. My Dad already passed so it makes it a little easier. But to acknowledge their very real and serious limits as human beings. And to have the life you want. And not feel guilty or ashamed for wanting something different. For wanting to feel good about myself. I know sometimes that I feel like I'm leaving my Mom in the dust. And I should love her. She's my mother. She wants me to love her. She really doesn't have anyone else in the world except for my very dysfunctional brother with stage 4 cancer. But to love her the way she wants me to love her is to kill me. And then ultimately that would trickle down to my children. So I have to find a way to take care of myself first and her second. And, her in a way that hopefully is loving but not enabling.
Wish I could say something more soothing or insightful. I know the guilt and know it well. I hope you can find a way to come to peace with your decision not to help her too much.
(((((HUGS and HOPE))))))
Liese
Hi BG,
Just wondering how you are doing today? Feeling a little less stressed? I hope so anyway.
(((((HUGS and HOPE)))))
Liese
Just wondering how you are doing today? Feeling a little less stressed? I hope so anyway.
(((((HUGS and HOPE)))))
Liese
Hi BG,
Sounds like your Mom is throwing a tantrum. So hard to stand back and just let her throw it. I've cowtowed to my mother's anger for years. She's not as histrionic as your mom but anger is anger and withdrawing love from a child is withdrawing love. Recently, my poor dying brother informed me that it was my fault that my Dad died alone in the hospital. My mother told me it wasn't nice that he said it but basically said she was too overwhelmed to deal with it. So, again, for the ten millionth time, she let him get away with his bad behavior. But I decided that I wasn't going to ignore his bad behavior this time, even if she got mad at me. I didn't call my Mom for a week. (long time for us.) She usually babysits my baby once a week and she never called to follow up on babysitting. So I just made my own arrangements. I knew she was feeling sorry for herself. And she probably wasn't happy that I was "making an issue of things". I can only imagine that she was mad at me for that. And, of course, I'm sure she thinks it's my responsibility to call her.
Finally, I called and we chatted. Still, she said nothing about the baby and babysitting. A couple of weeks later, she called wanting to see the baby. They were missing the baby. I told her, You haven't been babysitting the baby for weeks and sorry I made other arrangements. I made it clear to her that not only does she have expectations of me but I have expectations of her. I'm a working mother. She was my babysitter. I have to be able to rely on her. I can't depend on her if she's going to let all this garbage get in the way. But I have to tell you that I think she actually saw that something was expected of her. That she has a responsibilty too. It's not all on us to sit there and be good children and give her the love and attention she wants when she wants it. And our relationship grew. Just a little. But it grew.
For years I've felt so guilty for not loving my mom. I loved my Dad, no questions asked. But never ever felt the same way about my mom. Now she's getting older and the sibling with whom she has a good relationship has cancer and is dying, I think. And, so I am grappling with the fact that I will, despite all my negative feelings, be the one who has to sheppherd my mother through her last years. And how to love the sibling who is dying, the one I spoke about above, the one who beat me, the one who got a hold of one of my dad's credit cards after he died and wracked up $13,000.00 in debt in two months, the one who took my mother's car out in the middle of the night without permission, without a license, drank alcohol and wrecked her car?
I envy people for whom relationships are easy. The ones who can and do love freely. I don't know, do they exist BG? I'm learning in my old age that relationships are hard. Lots of emotion. Lots of work. Ups and downs. For me, anyway.
xoxoxo HUGS
Liese
Sounds like your Mom is throwing a tantrum. So hard to stand back and just let her throw it. I've cowtowed to my mother's anger for years. She's not as histrionic as your mom but anger is anger and withdrawing love from a child is withdrawing love. Recently, my poor dying brother informed me that it was my fault that my Dad died alone in the hospital. My mother told me it wasn't nice that he said it but basically said she was too overwhelmed to deal with it. So, again, for the ten millionth time, she let him get away with his bad behavior. But I decided that I wasn't going to ignore his bad behavior this time, even if she got mad at me. I didn't call my Mom for a week. (long time for us.) She usually babysits my baby once a week and she never called to follow up on babysitting. So I just made my own arrangements. I knew she was feeling sorry for herself. And she probably wasn't happy that I was "making an issue of things". I can only imagine that she was mad at me for that. And, of course, I'm sure she thinks it's my responsibility to call her.
Finally, I called and we chatted. Still, she said nothing about the baby and babysitting. A couple of weeks later, she called wanting to see the baby. They were missing the baby. I told her, You haven't been babysitting the baby for weeks and sorry I made other arrangements. I made it clear to her that not only does she have expectations of me but I have expectations of her. I'm a working mother. She was my babysitter. I have to be able to rely on her. I can't depend on her if she's going to let all this garbage get in the way. But I have to tell you that I think she actually saw that something was expected of her. That she has a responsibilty too. It's not all on us to sit there and be good children and give her the love and attention she wants when she wants it. And our relationship grew. Just a little. But it grew.
For years I've felt so guilty for not loving my mom. I loved my Dad, no questions asked. But never ever felt the same way about my mom. Now she's getting older and the sibling with whom she has a good relationship has cancer and is dying, I think. And, so I am grappling with the fact that I will, despite all my negative feelings, be the one who has to sheppherd my mother through her last years. And how to love the sibling who is dying, the one I spoke about above, the one who beat me, the one who got a hold of one of my dad's credit cards after he died and wracked up $13,000.00 in debt in two months, the one who took my mother's car out in the middle of the night without permission, without a license, drank alcohol and wrecked her car?
I envy people for whom relationships are easy. The ones who can and do love freely. I don't know, do they exist BG? I'm learning in my old age that relationships are hard. Lots of emotion. Lots of work. Ups and downs. For me, anyway.
xoxoxo HUGS
Liese