BG,
Having one.

But seriously, one much like you described. A satisfying session is when I go deep into my feelings and are able to feel them and express them openly and really feel that deep attunement and acceptance from my T. The very best are when we find a space near the end where we just "sit" with each other, knowing the peace of passing through the storm.

And BG, I have asked the same question, what was wrong with me that my parents didn't love me. I agree with your T, there is NOTHING wrong with you. What was missing was in your parents. I also relate to how you're feeling about your MIL. My MIL lived with us the last five years of her life, and I loved her dearly. And surprisingly enough, the feeling was mutual. She actually showed me what it was like to have a close, warm, loving mother. I remember one of the feelings I struggled with so much after she died was thinking why I had to lose my MIL whom I was so close to, but still had my mom, to whom I barely talk. I am not proud of feeling that way, but it was there. The truth is that there are really good reasons for why you take care of your MIL but keep your distance from your own mother. I am sorry that you know this pain but equally glad that you have a T who sees you so clearly and can reflect that back to you.

AG

My most satisfying sessions have been the past two weeks. And I think the thing that made them satisfying was just me being able to talk, to be completely honest, and to feel OK about receiving T's acceptance. It made me feel connected to the loss inside that swirls around that charged question you asked, that many of us are asking, about whether there is some sort of defect that has made us unlovable to those who by the nature of our species should have instinctively cared for us. But, it isn't true! We are mistaking the symptom (struggling to receive love, care, nurture, kindness) for the cause, when the reality is that there is nothing in you (or me, if I am honest) that justifies them not fulfilling their role in our lives. I am not saying they did not have their own injuries, reasons or excuses that got them to that point. But, it certainly has nothing to do with anything being wrong with us.

What a fascinating question and I suspect my answer will reveal loads about me.

When I think back to the most satisfying sessions so far with my P, I think it is when I have dared to feel the worst hurts and pains and he has not only heard and listened, but he has transmitted kindness, acceptance and care. It is when I have taken the biggest risks and dared to be honest even when i don't know what will happen next. I am left with a glow afterwards that lasts for at least three days.

(I wonder if he teaches about that, as I know he teaches psychologists on the major university post grad course, at three universities. I wonder what his lectures are like? His tutorials?)

I usually find it an okay time if I do not leave in a rage.

BG-It does not sound to me like you are a terrible daughter. You have not cut your mother off by setting appropriate boundaries. I believe you cannot save someone from themselves. It sounds like your mother in law is a great person to have in your life.

And I know - I should keep my goals more realistic(ha ha) (I cannot figure out little picture things to show I am kidding).

BG,

Props to you for setting boundaries with your mother. It sounds like she didn't take it so well, but hopefully in time the boundary setting will be a good thing.

BG - those boundaries are so important. I'm the only one who doesn't do financial entanglement stuff with my mother. Low and behold, I'm the only one with any sort of independence and credit score to speak of. It doesn't mean I won't be there for her. I've been helping her a lot with documents for a legal issue she's dealing with. But, I'm not going to do anything that jeopardizes my ability to care for my own family. It's a really hard line to draw, but essential!