((AH)),

I'm so sorry you have had such a rough week. I agree with you I would not know how to handle such a disclosure from my T. I hope you can find some way to talk with him about this at your next session. I'm also sorry for your interaction with your mom. I've had some similar ones with mine and it is so painful when they just don't get it.

Hang in there,

Jillann

Armored, I hope you'll go back and discuss with your T about his disclosure and how it affected you. It's exactly in noticing when you are re-enacting something similar to your childhood, when talking through it can be the most helpful. And in case you feel guilty, I'm pretty sure your T was not telling you that because he wanted any kind of sympathy from you, nor to shut you up about your own problems, but simply because he was trying to illustrate a point. He just picked a bad way to do it...

BLT gave you some wise advice. I'm sorry things have been so difficult for you. It seems that your T's disclosure triggered a lot of buried emotions in you and if you can manage to take them to your T I feel you can do some very good work in this regard. T's do have to be careful with what they self-disclose. Perhaps your T did not think it through fully as to how it would impact you. But all of this is "grist for the mill". The best therapy is done when things just happen in the relationship and we have to work through them.

As for your mom, I can totally understand your anger with her. It seems like she works hard to stay in denial about what happened in your childhood. I don't have any advice on how to handle her except that you may have to find some tolerance for her denial if you want to keep any kind of relationship with her. I'm not saying to accept her behavior but either ignore or tolerate it if you feel the relationship is important enough to you to do so and it's not causing you further damage.

Best,
TN

Hi AH

Don't think we've met, but welcome to the forums!

I think T's disclosing such personal stuff isn't appropriate because being abused creates an enormous amount of confusion that doesn't need to be compounded by T's bringing their own emotional history into the room. There are other ways for T's to try and engage people. I think your reaction says a lot about the unfair role reversal you endured with your parents, and I suspect the guilt you're feeling might be to do with buried anger and rage.

As for your mom, that sort of cruel sadism is very hard to handle. Even if she chooses to remain in denial, it's important you are able to know and hold onto the fact that the abuse was wrong and she should've protected you from your father.

Hi AH,

I definitely agree with the others that talking about it with your T would be useful. I don't think you are overreacting at all. If I had been in the middle of a very personal difficult re-telling it would have felt very jarring if at that moment T had shared a difficult memory of her own.

"stuff like this makes it all the more confusing and emotional. I feel like I'm re living my past of needing to protect my parents and take care of them instead of vice versa"

Sometimes this happens in therapy, I know I've ended up in a re-enactment of past stuff with Ts without realising. Sometimes it's so powerful that the T doesn't realise it either. It sometimes feels like falling in the sea, being dragged under and only really figuring it out properly when you've been washed back up on the beach.

I think you're right, he may have been trying to connect. When clients are telling Ts stuff, Ts need to listen to their 'personal self' because it helps them figure out what's going on, stay attuned and figure out what emotions are theirs and separate it from what the clients are feeling in the moment. Responses though need to come from the 'professional self' to make sure they're appropriate. Put simply, the personal self is a good navigator but a lousy driver!!

It sounds like for whatever reason T's personal need to either share or comfort got in there first, or he made a professional judgement that disclosing his experience would help you connect but it didn't go as planned. No good T wants the client to feel they have to take care of them but it can end up happening.

It is a tough judgement call to make and Ts need to be really careful they are disclosing for the right reasons. It should only ever be done for the benefit of the client. Attachment Girl posted a really good link to an article on self-disclosure that goes into it in more detail.

I'm also sorry to hear about your mum's denial. that must immensely painful to deal with. I know you are not alone with that here.

Hi Armored Heart:

I agree with the others that it's important to broach the topic with T. Talking through it can really help to alleviate some of the initial reaction. I think you are on the right track.

Your interaction with your mother sounds so familiar to me. I've experienced such difficulty myself. Both of my parents have denied that anything ever happened to create this upheaval in my life. They choose not to confront the realities, and place blame on how I am just different or have always been the quiet, isolating one. I was always that way because I was never validated or loved in the way a child could have been. Handling your mother will be one of the greatest challenges you will face. I have been there. I am not saying that there is a right way to deal with someone like this because it's hard to especially gauge a situation unless you are in it. But managing or finding a way to protect yourself is vital. I have chosen what path works best for me and I can offer support and advice if you ever need someone to understand or share what it's like setting stronger boundaries, or choosing limited to no contact. I really just wanted to reach out and tell you that I feel your pain and know what it's like to fend off comments that make you feel invalidated.

((Armored Heart))

Your heart is SO kind. Thank you from mine to yours. I really look forward to getting to know you and sharing in some of our stories together.