(((AH))) First, I'm sorry for how tough things have been. That sounds really scary and overwhelming! Second, I'm so glad your H is being so supportive of you (mine is like that too regarding my therapy) and hope you will find just the right match for you.

congrats on being able to get a new T that's wonderful news.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed you quickly find one that's a good match - just take your time.
I recently found the courage to find someone and go again and she's just lovely.
(btw - I'd never never ever be able to see a man either. nope. no way.)
I'm VERY sorry about what happened with the car. That's very traumatic. and triggering.

((AH))Congratulations, I'm so happy that you can finally get a new T. I bet things will really start to turn positive for you. Like you said, you are going forward, and it will be exciting to see the new doors open to exciting things. I'm hoping you will find a great T, because you deserve that. I'm also sorry that your H's car was broken into, and stuff was stolen. Just keep trying to move forward. Let us know when you find that special T.......

I'm glad for you AH. My next T will be a woman also. Good job hanging in there and I'm glad your H understands how good this will be for you. Good luck in your search.

(((AH)))

I'm so happy for you. What great news. I'm so sorry about the burglary. I can't even imagine how scary it must have been to find out that one of them had been hiding in your backyard.

Great news AH!!! I am very happy for you! Good on your H too. Best of luck in your search for your new female T.

AH I am SO thrilled to hear this news about getting a new T. It actually would likely be easier to find a female T, since there seem to be more of them. I agree it would probably feel safer for you. In my case, I had no issue with seeing another male T. Either way it's very difficult to learn to trust again in the T relationship. It's a hard road but very worth it if you stick it out. I look forward to hearing about your new journey.

Sorry about your dh's car and the break in. I would be very scared and feeling unsafe too. I hope things get better for you soon.

TN

AH, I am so happy for you! Your husband is a good man.

Sorry I am late to this, AH. I've been up to my eyes in essay. I poked my head up today and saw the best news

I am so pleased for you!

Thank you ((((each and all))))

(((yaku))) thank you so much I'm really glad your H is there for you and supportive of your therapy, I think that's awesome . It is a wonderful gift to feel that sort of acceptance, and so important especially when things are tough.

(((lucy))) so good to meet you! Thank you for the support about T and H car, it sure did trigger all sorts of chaos in me. I'm a little jumpy around the house now That's really great you have a new T you love, congrats! (and I hear ya about working with guy T- that won't be in my cards in the foreseeable future again for sure!)

(((eme))) Thanks eme! I love how positive you are, it's very uplifting You are right, the best thing is to look to the future, and what good things are possible to accomplish. That helps with the anxiety of it all, to think of what exciting things could happen now.

(((quell))) I've been meaning to get back to your other post, wanted to tell you I'm so sorry you're having to wait to get back for your appt Just keep using the time to sort through your feelings. Taking 3 weeks before my termination was ultimately helpful for me, so maybe it will help you to have that time too. Wishing you best luck

(((liese))) thank you!! and yeah it was super scary, I'd just like to move now tbh. I took our dogs out in the back later that day and found where the guy left some of his things, which I can't begin to describe my freak out over. And then I found out someone at the other end of the street in the neighborhood was actually shot in a robbery!!!!! (he lived thank goodness, but about sent me straight over the edge for real) anyway thank you for support

(((becca))) Thanks so much! I really appreciate all the thoughtful things you have said and support you've given me in going through this, it does mean a lot to me Hope all is going well with you

(((TN))) I've read back through a lot of your story of everything that's happened in your therapy with oldT (Some things took me awhile because I felt so much pain for you, and in too raw of a place to confront that) but let me say that all I've read, everything you have overcome with that situation, has inspired me tremendously. You really have helped me through this situation in so many ways. Words feel very empty to convey this, but thank you truly for all the insight and encouragement, means more than you know

(((RM))) Thanks so much! I'm a little biased, but I agree I'm really struggling to still learn to accept that sort of kindness he offers so freely, It's confusing and wonderful and strange. It really makes me have even stronger feelings of anger toward exT when I think of some of the things he said about H or our relationship that seem unflattering. I'm thankful that he offsets the bad experiences I've had with other men in my life.

(((draggers))) thanks! I still think that's the cutest emoticon on here Been thinking of you, Hope all is going okay for you!

(((mallard))) So glad to hear from you, hope essays are going well!! best wishes, I'm sure you're doing a great job. You have a very insightful way about you, and I feel like you probably do very well in your studies thank you for all the encouragement!!

************* update **************************

Some interesting developments in the search... and a real puzzling opportunity. I'm on the fence about it, and can foresee it going marvelously well, or disastrously wrong. Don't you love those sorts of situations?

I was able to find and speak with the first T I ever worked with, the woman from about 5 years ago. When I started working with her, I'd been living in this new state for about a year, (moved here when I got married and left home state and FOO) So I was starting a new life essentially, in a new place, and just coming to terms with how destructive everything I'd left behind had really been. I'd never seen a T before her, and she really had her work cut out for her.

I worked with her for 2 years, and the reason we parted ways was because I saw her at a low cost training clinic, and she was still a student. She graduated at the end of that time and moved away for awhile to finish up other degrees she wanted to pursue. Then, I worked with another female at the same clinic until she graduated and moved, and then I worked with exT...

Soooo. I found out she moved back here and has her own clinic about 30 min away now, and would be more than happy to work with me! Speaking to her, I had a flood of memories and emotions come back of just how influential she really had been in my life. Even though she had been a student at the time, she was miles ahead of some of the T's I've tried out in between her and my 2nd female T (I shopped around a bit at that stage in transition) and a couple people I had a session or 2 with who had 30+ years experience paled in comparison with T1. She was so gifted, just as though it came naturally to her to attune with clients. I admittedly had trouble connecting or attaching to her often, but that seemed totally my own issues at play, not her skills.

She was humble and freely admitted if she said or did something upsetting. She was such a hard worker and dedicated in every way, if she didn't fully understand something she did extra research until she knew it inside and out. She worried over me, checked on me often, cried with me. Yet, at the same time her boundaries were tight as banjo strings (I tried to FB friend her and she said that was a tremendous no in her book) She really kept herself, her needs, 1000% out of the room. She fiercely protected me, and was so gentle and comforting. Yet at the same time she pushed me hard. She pushed me right to that line of 'I can't do this anymore!' but never over it. She just had such a skill for pushing to the point of growth and independence, but never with a heavy hand or coldness. The balance she achieved in all this was remarkable, and I can say I wouldn't be half of where I am today without her dedication. I've found out she's since been awarded countless times for various achievements in her field.

Needless to say, I want to go there. I am ecstatic to have the chance, even to have spoken with her again.

But here is my fear, my very, very deep fear: She knows exT well, they are from the same original training clinic. He told me she did some sort of work with him at the clinic when she came back last year in a supervisor position, and they have both taught classes at the same college. The status of how they view one another exactly, I can't say. But it terrifies me that she's so familiar with him, and will likely have interactions with him in the future. I don't know if she knows anything about his actual methods or practices, or if she just knows him more in passing from a professional standpoint. For all I really know, they could be best friends! My mind is reeling with all the possibilities. And what if she defends him out of some sort of loyalty to that friendship/professional relationship?



I just don't know, even as trusting as I've always been of her, if I could trust that she could view what I have to say in an unbiased way. Could she truly be objective? Is it even fair of me to put her in that position? And then, what if she hears me out and decides to go after him as having done unethical therapy? I would be horrified and crushed to know that she had to do that, and really I don't want that. As strongly as I feel anger and hurt, I don't want to hurt exT, really. I do care about him a lot, and that's part of my fear and confusion. I still feel a strong loyalty to him for what good he did do. I think I'm crawling into that space in my mind of 'telling mom what dad did and hoping they won't fight, or worse, blame me.' It's a strong childlike reaction. Very strong...

What do you guys think? I really need outside perspective on this one... I feel so conflicted and afraid. Part of me just wants to at least see her for one session, and ask if she could hear my thoughts about work with exT, and do so objectively. I feel like she would probably be honest enough to tell me if she couldn't handle that.... I'm so scared....

Armored Heart, I don't have as much experience with therapists as you have. I haven't been here that long, either (don't even know how to put a hug in a post).

But since you asked for our thoughts ... I think you love your first therapist a lot and it would be a good idea to see her. At least for one session, but probably longer as it will take some time to find your footing with her again.

I don't know what your issues with your ex therapist are (the one you don't like), but your first therapist sounds intelligent and gifted at her work and like she cares about you. She should be able to separate your feelings about Ex-T from her feelings about him, and not let that affect her view of either of you. It must happen to therapists all the time.

She earned your trust before, as well as your respect and affection, and so I think that she's earned your trust now. I can understand why you are afraid, though. Maybe you should tell her that you would like to talk about your Ex-T in session before you book an appointment, to give her a chance to decline. But I don't think that she will. She's going to want to help you overcome your fear of talking. I think talking with her might be a good way for you to vent some emotion about Ex-T in a place that is safe for both of you. Therapy is confidential. She's not going to tell him what you said.

Those are my thoughts but I don't know any of the people here, so you have to go with your own heart and intuition. What is it telling you? I wish you peace and luck.

AH, I definitely think a reconnecting session is a good idea where you talk openly about the work you need to do and lay bare some of this is a good idea.

quote:

But it terrifies me that she's so familiar with him, and will likely have interactions with him in the future. I don't know if she knows anything about his actual methods or practices, or if she just knows him more in passing from a professional standpoint. For all I really know, they could be best friends! My mind is reeling with all the possibilities. And what if she defends him out of some sort of loyalty to that friendship/professional relationship?

I think these are really valid worries to have. I think saying this out loud to her would be a good place to start, actually. You need her to know that part of your goal in therapy is to process what happened and heal from the experience with ex-T and explore with her whether she can do that with you.

I had to hunt around to find current T and had a few really frank conversations with Ts because of potential conflicts of interest. Basically I needed to know up front whether they knew or worked with particular members of my family - because it is a small world and there are people in my family who are Ts too. One T and I decided not to work together because of this; not because I was worried about confidentiality but because both the T and I felt it would feel a bit weird for us.

quote:

Is it even fair of me to put her in that position? And then, what if she hears me out and decides to go after him as having done unethical therapy? I would be horrified and crushed to know that she had to do that, and really I don't want that. As strongly as I feel anger and hurt, I don't want to hurt exT, really.

This feels a bit like you are carrying all the burden of responsibility here. Your old T will be very used to making decisions about what she can and cannot work with. If she decides she can work with you again, then you may have to take a leap and trust that she has made an informed decision and trusts her own capabilities.

Another thing to remember is that you did not cause this situation. It isn't fair that this happened to you. If ex-T hadn't behaved in such an extraordinarily unethical way, then you would not be needing to work through this hurt in the first place. You shouldn't have to hold all the responsibility to protect potential new T from ex-T's choices.

I have to run now so I've not sanity checked what I've written so my apologies if this comes over a bit bluntly I'm also operating on a bit of a self-inflicted sleep-deficit from being an idiot over my essays. Do let us know how you get on. xx

(((pengs)))
Thank you sp!! I think you're right, it is worth giving a chance, and at least seeing how she reacts. Worst case she says no at that point, at least I gave it a go? and I think deep down I'm going to have a hard time not at least seeing her once more, she was really special to me & I hadn't realized how much I'd missed her

(((sandy))) So nice to meet you!! Thank you for all your insightful thoughts, I feel I should give this T a chance. My last one had some very questionable ethics and couldn't seem to keep himself out of the room, so I left a couple months ago I'm looking forward to getting to know you more and thank you agin for the reply! (wanted to add that all the little emoticons are found when you write a message click on the yellow smiley face, and it should bring up a box full of other pictures you can use. Not sure if that really makes sense or is helpful at all? But wanted to add that in case you were wanting to find them )

(((mallard))) Thank you so much for taking the time for your thoughtful reply, it really was helpful. And you really made me realize that I am still shouldering the responsibility, still in 'take care of T' instead of letting T take care of me mode. I hadn't quite realized just how much I'd internalized that line of thought, that I still try to protect and take care of those in charge of doing that for me. Gosh exT really reinforced some childhood messages! I will let you all know how it goes. Best luck with your essays

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