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Ms. Control--speaking only from my experience with therapy and doing trauma work...I have had a safe connection with my current T, as well as the two T's I had before them. I think it's a phenomenon that occurs once you have begun work with trauma and a T. If he/she establishes appropriate boundaries and trust, there becomes a connection. It does take time, however.
Hope this helps and good luck on your journey.
For what it's worth,
LJB
Hope this helps and good luck on your journey.
For what it's worth,
LJB
Ms. Control,
That's a great blog to go to for info. I am a big fan of Dr. Smith's as he does an excellent job of explaining therapy very clearly and without jargon.
I do believe a connection with a new counselor would help. A lot of the reason our attachment mechanism's get so activated in therapy is the similarity in setup to the parental relationship. While they are not our parent, nor can they replace everything we didn't get, they are a caretaker who is attuned and focused on our needs, who do not seek to get any of their own needs met through us. That is a description of what a "good enough" parent looks like. Because we did not have "good enough" parenting we have unmet needs and unfinished development to complete that requires this kind of relationship. As an adult, we cannot expect this kind of treatment in a normal friendship or romantic relationship, because an adult cannot have an expectation that a relationship with another adult will focus only on their needs, there has to be give and take or the other person will burn out. It's why we pay therapists, so that they ARE getting some of their needs met through the relationship just not their emotional needs.
So it is this setup that activates our attachment and evokes the longings and unmet needs. I do want to be up front and tell you that while I do think eventually it is the attachment that heals us and can bring us a great deal of comfort (love is the answer to pain), it can be very painful, because it is providing the safety in which we can finally address our unprocessed griefs and hurts and make sense of them.
And I agree with LJB, it may take time this go around. And it takes even longer to work through the distrust left over from our prior experiences. So it makes total sense that you are missing your first T. And a new T will not be exactly the same, they can't be because they are a different person, so your relationship with them will be unique, but you can form as deep a bond in which to do the healing.
AG
That's a great blog to go to for info. I am a big fan of Dr. Smith's as he does an excellent job of explaining therapy very clearly and without jargon.
I do believe a connection with a new counselor would help. A lot of the reason our attachment mechanism's get so activated in therapy is the similarity in setup to the parental relationship. While they are not our parent, nor can they replace everything we didn't get, they are a caretaker who is attuned and focused on our needs, who do not seek to get any of their own needs met through us. That is a description of what a "good enough" parent looks like. Because we did not have "good enough" parenting we have unmet needs and unfinished development to complete that requires this kind of relationship. As an adult, we cannot expect this kind of treatment in a normal friendship or romantic relationship, because an adult cannot have an expectation that a relationship with another adult will focus only on their needs, there has to be give and take or the other person will burn out. It's why we pay therapists, so that they ARE getting some of their needs met through the relationship just not their emotional needs.
So it is this setup that activates our attachment and evokes the longings and unmet needs. I do want to be up front and tell you that while I do think eventually it is the attachment that heals us and can bring us a great deal of comfort (love is the answer to pain), it can be very painful, because it is providing the safety in which we can finally address our unprocessed griefs and hurts and make sense of them.
And I agree with LJB, it may take time this go around. And it takes even longer to work through the distrust left over from our prior experiences. So it makes total sense that you are missing your first T. And a new T will not be exactly the same, they can't be because they are a different person, so your relationship with them will be unique, but you can form as deep a bond in which to do the healing.
AG